Not-At-All Biased Meat Company Says Meat Eaters Have More Sex Than Vegetarians
Listen, I love a good steak. Or a burger? Hell yeah, I will murder one of those (hold the bun, please, it just takes up room). But even as an unreformed and unrepentant carnivore, I’m having a hard time chewing this latest “scientific” study. According to the Gourmet Meat Company, A LITERAL MEAT COMPANY, meat eaters have more sex than vegetarians. If we can’t believe the meat industry, what’s the point even?!
Meat eaters have more sex than their vegetarian counterparts, if this study conducted in the UK is to be believed.
According to the study, a whopping 46% of people who eat meat report having sex one or more times per week. For vegetarians, that number drops down to 16%. Welsh carnivores are the randiest, as it turns out, with just about half of polled meat eaters getting busy at least once a week. The English come in at 46%, and 40% of lazy Scots do the deed weekly.
Now, Gourmet Meat Club is literally in the business of selling meat.
Could it be that they’re just trying to drum up business? The promise of more sex IS very tempting. Or, is this random guy who goes by the name “Professor” on Twitter is to be believed, maybe there’s something to it.
So, meat eaters have more sex, participate in more revelry, and kill more people. It’s a really tough decision, guys. Steak and sex and murder? Or sad vegetarian life with no fun at all? What happens when a carnivore marries a vegetarian? How to vegans factor into all this? I have so many questions.
Now, before you go and buy a year’s worth of meat and lube, here comes the flaccid part. While meat eaters may have more sex, they’re also at a higher risk of heart disease and failure. Highs and lows!
A mostly plant-based diet can cut your risk of heart disease by as much as 42%. Which is no small potatoes (vegetarian joke). Like everything, it’s about moderation and balance. And maybe instead of eating more meat in the hopes of getting more meat, you can try making perfume from your own vaginal secretions. We hear it works.