effective parenting

There’s Nothing Wrong With Married Couples Who Don’t Share A Bed

By  | 

 

empty-bedIf you sleep next to someone that is a quiet, motionless sleeper who does not have a lot of night time quirks, you have no business judging the couple that can’t share a bed.

I never used to understand the concept of not sharing a bed. Night time always seemed to me to be the time of day when everything finally stops – and you can be alone with your partner. Admittedly, I’ve never dated anyone who snored or had any other quirks that would disturb my sleep. I never understood how completely exhausting it could be to sleep next to someone who kept you awake – therefore I really never understood the concept of wanting to sleep in a separate room from your partner. Then I had kids.

Being consistently woken by small children over the past few years, I’ve developed some serious empathy for those who sleep next to a partner that keeps them awake at night. I’ve seen firsthand how consistently disturbed sleep can affect your day-to-day. It annoys the shit out of me that I still have to wake up every night to tend to one of my children at one time or another. I let it slide, because they are kids who will eventually grow out of this behavior. But if this was my partner disturbing my sleep every night? I can see how that could cause a serious riff in the relationship.

I thought about this today because I read a post on Mamamia today about couples who don’t share their bedrooms.

Even though we had already experienced a few sleepless nights when sharing a bed at each other’s place, we still trotted off down that well-worn path of all couples, and hopped into the same bed on the first night of our new domestic arrangements. Seven nights later we were bleary eyed, unable to function properly at work and re-thinking our decision to live together.

The immediate action needed was separate beds. Fraser’s bedroom furniture had been put to good use in the spare room, so he happily returned to his familiar sheets, pillows and bed. At that point we agreed we would need separate beds during the week, but on weekends we would share.

The main cause of the disturbance was the man’s snoring. They made the decision to sleep in separate bedrooms during the week. I think that’s healthy. I think it’s easy to default to the belief that couples have to sleep together, but if that arrangement is making things difficult – why not fix it like you would attempt to fix any other problem in the relationship?

I used to have a co-worker who would often complain of her husband’s snoring. She wouldn’t mention it to me in confidence, it became a joke she would bring up in mixed-company whenever she had the opportunity. She would laugh and try to make it seem light-hearted, but the sheer frequency with which she brought it up indicated that it was something that really bothered her. I never gave it too much thought – because it’s not like I’ve never heard couples occasionally take passive-aggressive jabs at each other. But it wasn’t really light-hearted, do you know what I mean? There was something under all of those little comments. In retrospect, I think the situation was really affecting her. I don’t think couples even think about the separate room thing as an option, really. But if you have the room and you’re willing to try it – why not?

After waking up  a couple times a night to deal with young children, I can’t even imagine adding being awoken by my husband’s snoring – or vice versa. I respect couples who are willing to work things out and take steps that may seem unconventional, but in the long run might end up saving their relationship.

(photo: CrackerClips Stock Media/ Shutterstock)

68 Comments

  1. Linzon

    August 25, 2014 at 12:09 pm

    Whenever I see this discussion come up online there’s always a lot of “I could never do that with MY partner, if you’re not sharing a bed you may as well just be roommates!!” etc, but I actually know quite a few couples with young kids who don’t currently share a bed.

    My husband and I both have frequent trouble sleeping and more often than not one of us ends up sleeping on the couch so that our tossing and turning doesn’t disturb the other person. Sometimes a change of bed scenery helps me when I’m having trouble dropping off, and I’ve been that way as long as I can remember. We still have a cuddle and a chat before we go to to sleep and being able to get quickly back to sleep after being up with Baby No Sleep is a huge help.

    • Spongeworthy

      August 25, 2014 at 12:21 pm

      My husband and I are the same. I toss and turn sometimes, sometimes he snores like crazy, and we have different days of the week when we have to get up for work. So often one of us will sleep in the guest room just so we don’t disturb one another. We are still affectionate, we still talk, we still do married people stuff. I think it’s odd that sharing a bed is seen as a “must” for all cohabitatin couples.
      Also, people do realize you can have sex other places than a bed, right? That always seems to be implied. If you aren’t sharing a bed, you aren’t having sex. FALSE.

    • js argh

      August 25, 2014 at 12:25 pm

      And, I mean, just cos you’re not sleeping in the same bed doesn’t mean you still can’t use one of them to get it on.

    • guest

      August 25, 2014 at 1:03 pm

      I worry for people whose marriages are being held together solely by sleeping in the same bed as one another.

    • ted3553

      August 25, 2014 at 2:16 pm

      my husband snores and insists on hogging the whole bed and throwing his legs over me. He sleeps like a rock and I am a light sleeper. He also works shift work and is a night owl which I am not. When he’s off shift, he watches tv well after I go to bed because he doesn’t have to work the next morning. I am quite happy to sleep by myself and actually get sleep. I still have a happy marriage and we still figure out the sex thing.

  2. middleofnowheremom

    August 25, 2014 at 12:14 pm

    My husband SNORES. He is also an over the road driver, so not home most nights. Although, I do miss him while he’s gone, I do not miss the window rattling, sleep depriving nights while he’s out on the road.

  3. aCongaLine

    August 25, 2014 at 12:16 pm

    My husband snores *very* loudly. Since we had kids, he has picked up the habit of shifting over to the middle of the bed whenever I get up to deal with said kids. I come back to a room vibrating with noise, and ~6-8 inches of space.

    F that noise. Sleep is precious.

    When he decides to take up the whole bed, I decide to move to the guest room. He gets upset, because he doesn’t realize he does it, and is in serious denial about it, buuut hell to the no. THe sleeping part is so much more about rest than it is about intimacy. I’m good with the guest room for a few hours here and there, no problem at all. We always start in the same bed, but 3-4 nights a week, we wake up separately, because sleep.

    It’s a total whatever works situation.

    • Rachel Sea

      August 25, 2014 at 12:46 pm

      At one point I took a picture of my wife’s diagonal-spread-eagle-blanket-stranglehold maneuver, because it was the only way to get her to understand why I have occasionally resorted to sleeping on the couch rather than trying to wrestle blanket and square footage back from her.

  4. js argh

    August 25, 2014 at 12:24 pm

    I can’t stand when couples passive-aggressively make comments about each other in front of anyone else. Great, now you’ve made things awkward for everyone and not just you. THANKS.

    My husband and I are both snorers (Florida’s allergy season is basically all year, yay!). He could sleep through a freight train running next to the house. Me? Not so much. So I use ear plugs. Which work if he’s on the other side of the bed and not snoring directly in my ear.

    There’s just some nights it’s a lot easier sleeping in the guest bedroom, and it’s not because I don’t love the man to pieces.

  5. Wicked Prophet Kay Sue

    August 25, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    Pssh, this may be the route we take after I nearly smothered him for not just stealing the blankets but *yanking them entirely off of the bed and throwing them on the floor* while sleeping. Apparently, he got hot.

    Toast don’t judge, and neither do I.

    • nikki753

      August 25, 2014 at 12:40 pm

      Hahaha. We once stayed in a hotel that had two down comforters so you share a bed but you each get your own. So he can’t throw your blanket on the floor or do the tuck the blankets under one arm and roll over about twice. In winter I keep an extra blanket on my side for just that.

    • Wicked Prophet Kay Sue

      August 25, 2014 at 12:55 pm

      He’s bad about stealing them, so I do the roll around in them thing usually. It made it all the more interesting when he yanked it. I was wide awake, and he was clearly snoozing…I think that was the part that frustrated me the most! 😉

    • Maria Guido

      August 25, 2014 at 1:13 pm

      Yup. In my house he uses the blanket and I use the sheet. Makes our nights much more pleasant.

    • KaeTay

      August 25, 2014 at 1:24 pm

      we have our own blankets.. mine is heavy and his is light.. no more night sweats for him

    • Alicia

      August 25, 2014 at 3:05 pm

      We do this too!!!

  6. nikki753

    August 25, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    Whatever works for people. It’s much better to do what you need to to get good sleep and not be crabby with each other than to insist on sleeping in the same bed even though there’s some reason it screws up your sleep. For us, it’s a king size memory foam bed. When we want to, we can scootch on over there for a snuggle or roll back to our side when it gets too hot. The memory foam seriously reduces motion transfer so one person can slip out of bed without waking the other–when someone has to go to the bathroom or is still on another time zone and wakes up at a crazy hour or just has insomnia.

  7. Lackadaisical

    August 25, 2014 at 12:39 pm

    That sounds heavenly. As much as I like a cuddle with my husband before bed I cannot sleep if anyone is in physical contact with me while trying to drop off. I can see logistical problems with fitting either two big beds or working out nooky on two smaller ones but sometimes when my insomnia is bad and hubby rolls against me in his sleep I would love a separate bed.

    • js argh

      August 25, 2014 at 7:07 pm

      My husband twitches as he falls asleep. The first time he did it, I thought he was having an epileptic fit or something.

    • shainamaydel

      August 25, 2014 at 8:49 pm

      My boyfriend does that too! He once fell asleep with his hand on my boob…let’s just say it was not pleasant for me! It’s intense and lasts up to ten minutes before he really relaxes. He normally rolls away to fall asleep but he’s not allowed to put his hands anywhere sensitive while cuddling just in case 🙂

    • js argh

      August 25, 2014 at 11:59 pm

      Oh my gosh, I can’t imagine. I almost made him sleep on the couch when he accidentally kneed me in the crotch once during his twitching; I can’t even with the boobs. I’m glad that’s never happened. (Well. Yet.)

  8. val97

    August 25, 2014 at 12:40 pm

    My husband and I have completely separate bedrooms. We only ever sleep in the same bed when we go on trips. I am a terrible sleeper. He snores. He also sleeps with the dog, which is something I never signed up for. It’s all good. We have a great marriage and an amazing sex life, so I don’t know why people think it’s weird (although it’s not like we tell people about our sex life. I guess maybe they assume it’s non existent just because we don’t sleep in the same room).

    • Rachel Sea

      August 25, 2014 at 12:42 pm

      It’s so silly, it’s not like all that much sex happens when one or both of a couple are asleep.

    • Linzon

      August 25, 2014 at 4:44 pm

      The last time I woke up to have sex in the middle of the night I was 19.

  9. The Redhead

    August 25, 2014 at 12:41 pm

    I suggested this to my boyfriend and he acted as if I had kicked him in the gut.
    The fact is, I am a light sleeper, every sound and movement wakes me. He snores, he rolls over repeatedly, I wake up over and over and over. I know it’s not “romantic” to sleep in separate rooms, but neither is me constantly being in a bitchy mood because I got almost no sleep last night!

    • KaeTay

      August 25, 2014 at 1:23 pm

      until we had a kid.. earplugs and me going to bed before my husband is what solved these issues.

  10. Rachel Sea

    August 25, 2014 at 12:41 pm

    My great-grandparents had separate bedrooms for most of their marriage because of my great-grandmother’s snoring, and until they were elderly it was like a terrible secret that outsiders weren’t to know. Now I know a few couples who have separate bedrooms. One has wildly different comfort arrangements: he likes a hard-as-rock mattress with one thin blanket, she likes a soft mattress with a pair of down comforters. Snoring is a big factor for the rest.

  11. Azalea

    August 25, 2014 at 12:44 pm

    My husband and I figured out very early on in our relationship that we couldn’t share a bed. He is an extremely light sleeper that needs a TV on to fall asleep. I am a very heavy sleeper that snores, but can’t fall asleep with the TV on. It just couldn’t work – especially when his work schedule became much later than mine.

  12. beth

    August 25, 2014 at 12:54 pm

    my husband and I have separate bedrooms, he uses a sleep apnea machine and I can’t sleep with that loud thing on! we are so much happier and well rested now.

  13. guest

    August 25, 2014 at 1:08 pm

    I’ve actually heard this is quite common and that new home builders and doing two master suites now. My husband doesn’t generally make noise but he hogs the bed and sometimes I’ll wake up stuck to one corner of the bed with a dog, cat, and human arm all on me. A person needs to stretch out once in awhile, geez! I told him I’d just get us two queen beds since we have the space in our master but I think we’re just going to upgrade to a giant king memory foam bed for our next upgrade. When we get a bed put in our guest room I’ll totally take advantage of it occasionally- there is something nice every once in awhile about sleeping by yourself.

  14. Nameless Mom

    August 25, 2014 at 1:09 pm

    Posted on Facebook but wanted to say it here too.
    My grandparents were married 56 years. As long as I can remember they had slept in separate beds. Unfortunately my family is VERY open about everything, and I have the “pleasure” of knowing that they were still intimate until he no longer knew who she was near the very end. They slept in separate rooms. I have never seen a couple as perfect as my grand parents. My grandmother took care of him when she had to change his diapers and he had no clue who she was. He said to her one time “I don’t know who you are, but obviously you love me very much and I appreciate it.” Sorry to ramble. It is still a fresh wound. He’s only been gone a few months, but it is proof that marriage isn’t graded on where you sleep.

    • JulesInNC

      August 25, 2014 at 2:57 pm

      That’s incredibly touching, and I’m sorry for your loss. My grandparents were similar–slept in separate rooms for as long as I was aware of it. I wasn’t privy to the details of their sex life (and I’m really ok with that), but they sure seemed happy and in love for the 63 years they were married.

    • Nameless Mom

      August 25, 2014 at 3:08 pm

      Lol yea, my cousin told me who heard from her mom. Things really are over shared in that family. Come to think of it, they may have been married 60 something years. My grandmother was in college when they were married. She had an associate degree and was working on her bachelor’s degree. She was born in 1933

    • JulesInNC

      August 25, 2014 at 3:20 pm

      That’s awesome. Sounds like a cool lady.

  15. LK

    August 25, 2014 at 1:11 pm

    This is a lot more common than people talk about. Who honestly cares?? And once you have kids, who the hell has the luxury of having fancy sex right before a blissful sleep anyways? Take it where you can get it, and get a good night’s sleep HOWEVER you can get it.

    • koolchicken

      August 26, 2014 at 12:16 am

      I’m sorry, I just couldn’t help laughing at the term “fancy sex”.

    • ChickenKira

      August 26, 2014 at 6:40 am

      I imagined sex while wearing a monocle and holding champagne flutes.

    • koolchicken

      August 26, 2014 at 6:50 am

      I imagined candles, draped sheets, and all the other nonsense you’d see on the cover of a tacky romance novel.

  16. Rya

    August 25, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    I would love to have my own bedroom. I prefer to sleep alone and I like to have my own space. I don’t think that’s weird at all. Having to be around people 24/7(and yes children count as people) is exhausting for me. I knew it would be a challenge before I had them but it didn’t really occur to me that even being around their dad would irritate me because I just like to be alone or sleep alone sometimes. We don’t have a spare bedroom but sometimes one of us sleeps on the couch so we can have alone time or binge watch our separate shows on Netflix(don’t judge!) lol

    • NotTakenNotAvailableWTFDisqus

      August 25, 2014 at 6:19 pm

      I’m the same way as far as needing my own space. That is one of my main reasons that I’m investing in permanent sterilization in spite of the fact that I have no interest in dating–being in a situation in which I HAD to be around people, adult or no, 24/7 would drain all my mental resources in a matter of minutes.

  17. KaeTay

    August 25, 2014 at 1:19 pm

    My husband and I don’t sleep in the same bedroom. It wasn’t planned. He has to wake up at 5am. Not only that but we haven’t cleaned out the 3rd bedroom from when we moved in so our daughter is in the bedroom with me. I don’t need her waking up at 5am. Not only that but he snores like a chain saw! I don’t need that waking her up either. So until he finishes up the 3rd bedroom she is sleeping in the room with me and he’s on the couch (he hates air mattresses).

  18. wispy

    August 25, 2014 at 1:28 pm

    My husband is a horrible snorer and I am a horrible sleeper. I have had to use earplugs since we moved in together. I’ve since become addicted to them and can’t fall asleep without them even if the room is silent. Sometimes when he is snoring REALLY bad I try to kick him out but he is ridiculous and doesn’t want to leave the room so he will sleep on the closet floor. Whatever. As long as I’m asleep I don’t care where he is.

    Also, my grandparents never slept in the same bed, they had two twin beds like Lucy and Ricky. My parents rarely sleep in the same bed either because my dad has restless leg syndrome and kicks all night. I really don’t see what the big deal is. Just because you’re not sleeping in the same bed doesn’t mean you’re not “intimate” or whatever and it’s really no one else’s business to get worked up about anyway.

  19. Mad Overlord

    August 25, 2014 at 1:32 pm

    My partner is a sleep hugger and likes to turn me with him whenever he moves. During sleep he needs physical contact with me all the time. He also is crazy hot (in all ways

  20. lpag

    August 25, 2014 at 1:34 pm

    We don’t share a bed. It happens to be, we had two beds from the start for religious reasons (long story short, Jewish laws of family purity, among other things, during the times of separation, we can’t share a bed). We would separate the beds when we needed to, and then push them back together when we could be together. We quickly figured out that we slept a lot better when we kept to our own beds, so we just stuck with that. I’m a tossing, turning, head-kicking blanket hog. It’s just better this way. This does not preclude us from enjoying each other physically or chatting merrily like schoolgirls at a slumber party before we drift off to sleep in our separate beds. But we need our space to sleep, and this is what works for us.

  21. Write4TruthToday

    August 25, 2014 at 1:55 pm

    Nothing wrong but it is sign for having Divorce……………..

    • guest

      August 25, 2014 at 2:23 pm

      False. Unless you are sleeping in different rooms because you hate each other.

  22. NotTakenNotAvailable

    August 25, 2014 at 2:17 pm

    I was the snorer, though not all the time–just when I was sick or had allergies (so okay, most of the time). Which I would’ve felt bad about except for the fact that my ex, who didn’t get to bed until 5 a.m. anyway and therefore only had to put up with it for a couple hours, would wake me up and haughtily explain that I’d been snoring. I’m a bit of a restless sleeper, so it can take me over an hour to get back to sleep. After the first few times that happened, I finally snapped, “Look, until you get this thing called a JOB that a lot of people have for which you actually need to be rested, either put up with it or go sleep on the couch!”

    He continued anyway. He’s really lucky he wound up moving back in with his parents instead of lying in a ravine somewhere in the mountains.

  23. Julie

    August 25, 2014 at 2:37 pm

    My husband and I have separate beds. 2 queens in the same room. He snores on his back, tosses and turns all night long and also kicks the covers on and off. I sleep on my back and don’t move all night long, am a total blanket hog, and am incredibly grumpy when his tossing around wakes me up… We are not so compatible in this area.

    We are plenty compatible in most others though, so separate beds work great for us. By the way, we have a normal sex life, we just get to wake up rested and not resenting each other in the morning!

  24. Foleygirl24

    August 25, 2014 at 2:50 pm

    My parents have had their own bedrooms for as long as I can remember. My dad has sleep apnea, and his machine keeps my mom awake. He also has that sleep disorder where you act out your dreams, and he had accidentally punched/kicked my mom numerous times (dreaming that he was fighting bad guys, haha) before he moved to the guest room. Now he punches the wall instead (or falls out of bed onto the floor)! They’ve been happily married for 42 years this fall!

  25. JulesInNC

    August 25, 2014 at 3:00 pm

    I’m a very light sleeper, and my husband snores occasionally. I can usually fix the issue by making him roll on his side, but if it were chronic, I would absolutely entertain this. As long as we spent our evening hang-out time together, and then just parted ways for bed, it really wouldn’t make much difference in the level of intimacy. Better than being constantly sleep-deprived (something every mother on here can likely attest to from personal experience).

  26. Alicia

    August 25, 2014 at 3:04 pm

    My husband and I slept in the same bed for years, but never slept together. He worked nights, and I worked days, so we were both sleeping while the other was at work. Now, we spend lots of nights apart because he is gone a lot. He’s a freight train engineer. When he’s on vacation is about the only time we sleep more than one night together at a time. Ever couple has their own dynamic. Whatever works

  27. Kapibara-san

    August 25, 2014 at 3:04 pm

    My husband sleeps still and quiet like an angel, but I on the other hand like in the picture below. I’m kinda amazed we still sleep in the same bed.

  28. Jen TheTit Whipper

    August 25, 2014 at 3:18 pm

    while we sleep next to each other most nights, there are definitely nights where my husband sleeps in the guest bedroom or on the couch. He has a bad back and between pain and snoring he tries not to wake me up. I’m not happy when he does that, but it’s the only way either of us will sleep.

  29. Looby

    August 25, 2014 at 3:36 pm

    I moved across the Atlantic to marry my husband on the understanding we got separate rooms. Not only does he snore like a monster, but he likes to sleep with the light on, loves his tempurpedic mattress, no blankets, and only need 5 hours sleep a night. I think 8 hours is a bare minimum, have a thick winter duvet on year round in GA, firmly believe tempurpedic mattresses are the work of the devil and if there is a single crack of light in the room start making grumpy huffing noises.

    We get our fair share of marital naughtiness and as much sleep as you can expect with a teething toddler

  30. LiteBrite(UterineDudebro)

    August 25, 2014 at 4:09 pm

    We have a California King Bed, so it’s almost like we’re sleeping in separate beds anyways. When we went to Europe, we couldn’t handle the smallness of the beds because we’re not used to that much physical closeness at night. We stayed in Belgium our last two nights, and I almost cried with relief when I saw two twin beds in our hotel room.

    I think this is one of those “whatever works for you” situations. We share a bed most nights, but there is a lot to be said for having your own space.

  31. Katherine Handcock

    August 25, 2014 at 5:31 pm

    Unless someone’s resenting the two-beds arrangement, who cares? It actually sounds like a far more mature relationship decision to say, “You know what, it’s better if we sleep separately” than to say, “We’re both miserable but we MUST STAY IN THE SAME BED.”

  32. Guest

    August 25, 2014 at 6:44 pm

    My husband has snoring issues and I am a light sleeper. At least twice a week he sleeps in the guest room. It has not hurt our marriage, it has made it better because I actually have energy for important things, like work or going places or sex if I have slept. *gaspshock* What a concept. Our marriage is very strong.

  33. HelpfulRiver

    August 25, 2014 at 10:19 pm

    Thank you for this article!! My husband snores very loudly and has severe restless leg. When we first got married it was terrible. He was deploying for fifteen months just 4 months after we got married, and I was counting down the days just so I could get some sleep. I know that sounds awful. When he came back we tried once again to get used to sleeping together. I was really worried about our marriage. I don’t really remember when we decided to do it, but on work nights we started sleeping apart. It worked wonderfully. Our sex life got better because we were rested, and we made time every night to cuddle and talk together in bed. Now eight years later we kind of go back and forth. I do wish we could share a bed and still get a good nights sleep, but that’s just not how it is. Like the article said if it’s a problem why not work on it like you would any other problem.

  34. footnotegirl

    August 25, 2014 at 10:21 pm

    Before moving to separate beds/bedrooms over snoring, the snorer should REALLY go to a sleep clinic. Snoring can be indicative of sleep apnea, which is very serious. Soon after starting to date my husband, I was the first of his SO’s to ever tell him that he actually stopped breathing in his sleep, which I would never have known if I’d just chosen to sleep elsewhere than beside him. He was able to be treated with a CPAP, and that has solved both of our sleeping issues and we can sleep happily together.

  35. Kathryn Mackenzie

    August 25, 2014 at 11:24 pm

    I’ve always thought a lot of relationships might last longer if couples had separate rooms. Have all the sleep-overs or sex time you want, but everyone needs their own private space (if your budget can accommodate a house with an extra room), and even with separate beds, if you’re sharing a room, you still don’t have a space that’s completely yours, when you need to just have time to yourself, to get over being mad/upset/just feel like you need to be alone/whatever.

    Of course this only works if the partners are respectful of the fact that they can’t just barge in whenever they feel like it, infringing on your time & space uninvited.

  36. Mememe

    August 25, 2014 at 11:35 pm

    My husband and I have been married for just over 10 years and we’ve never shared a bed. When we bought a house, we made sure it had enough for he and I to have our own rooms and our kids to have their own. My husband has to have the lamp on, his laptop on, his cell phone making racket all night, and the tv BLARING from sun down to sun up. I, on the other hand, take ambien for insomnia, have to have the room pitch black with black out curtains and tinted windows, and a white noise machine. I also keep my room at 62 degrees and he keeps his around 75. We even have separate rooms at hotels. It works for us. He won’t change and I can’t….I can’t suffer one second in his room.

  37. koolchicken

    August 26, 2014 at 12:09 am

    My great aunt and uncle didn’t share a bed, they were in separate rooms. And according to my mother it was always like this. Yet they’d been married forever, had children and grandchildren, and seemed very happy. And sadly, it’s why my uncle wasn’t there when she passed away. She liked to get up in the middle of the night (hence the separate rooms) and she died in the living room. He found her in the morning and was just devastated. I’ll never be able to erase the sounds of his screams at the funeral, it was bad. So it’s not as though they didn’t love each other.

    My husband and I on the other hand can sleep apart (he used to work 24-48 hour shifts and before that we lived 3 hours apart so we got used to it). We do however have a strong preference for bed sharing though. And before any important events we have to sleep together, as we get a more restful sleep that way. In fact the night before his medical boards he was yelling at me for taking so long to come to bed because he needed to rest and couldn’t do it without me, lol. But everyone’s different. Not everyone can sleep well with another person crawling all over them. I mean I have nightmares and we both talk in our sleep. He’s literally tried to fluff me as a pillow (I woke up during that one). So I get it if people say they can’t share a bed. One of my friends dated a guy that had violent night terrors. He’d start punching and kicking in his sleep but would remember nothing when he woke up so just had the guilt from kicking his girlfriend while she was sleeping. They would periodically break up because she couldn’t handle it. But they wanted to be together so one would just move to a different room and they’d live like roommates. That was until they couldn’t keep their hands off each other and they’d move back into the same room. Why they had to be in the same bed to be together never made sense to me. They were happier when they were together just sleeping apart.

  38. trazadone

    August 26, 2014 at 6:03 am

    I’m a long time reader of this site, but have never commented until now. I guess this is the article that really got to me. For over a year now I have been absolutely suffering from lack of sleep. Trust me, I have tried everything, all the different pills and medications, seeing my regular doctor, and then a sleep doctor, redoing my bedroom to make it more inviting of sleep, my husband & I sleeping separately, etc on & on you name it I have tried it. Every single thing has been unsuccessful. I am at my wits end. As a dog trainer I have a very physical and demanding job, and getting two hours of sleep a night or less seriously isn’t cutting it. So now, not only am I very deeply exhausted mentally and physically and don’t just fear that this is how I will die, but KNOW this insomnia IS slowly killing me, but now I also miss my husband so very much. He feels too guilty to sleep in bed with me for fear of he may be the reason I am not sleeping. I assure him that it’s not his fault & that I may just be doomed to suffer. So since I am not long for this world, can’t we just fucking cuddle? I desperately want nothing more than to sleep together, or to sleep separately. Any SLEEP at all will do please. PLEASE?!

    • Jezebeelzebub

      August 26, 2014 at 11:13 am

      insomnia blows- i have bouts of it myself and while I can think of a few things that are worse, I can’t think of very many. i know you said you tried everything- hypnosis? acupuncture? those too?

    • trazadone

      August 26, 2014 at 3:04 pm

      thank you, I appreciate the concern, and yep I have tried those, too. I admittedly wasn’t sold on the hypnosis, but I did pay for it and went thru with it. Acupuncture was nice for my anxiety for a while, but not much more, sadly.

    • Jezebeelzebub

      August 26, 2014 at 4:06 pm

      have you tried Michener? As in the author, James Michener. I know lots of people just LOVE HIM, but …. I think he’s really boring. Hawaii literally puts me to sleep. I’m not even being flippant, I swear. Reading Hawaii is like watching paint dry for me.

  39. Aussiemum

    August 26, 2014 at 7:28 am

    Hubs and I don’t share our bed. Not really by choice, cause he works night shift Sunday thru Thursday, so we only have 2 nights a week together in our bed. AND. I. HATE .THOSE. 2. NIGHTS!!
    He snores. He pulls the Doonas over to his side and let’s them dangle on the floor and then the dogs end up sleeping on them, all while I’m slowly freezing my ass off over on my side of the bed. He sweats. A lot! He’s also a leg hugger and an arm hugger.
    It don’t mind so much about the leg hugging if he wants to get it on, but just randomly chucking your heavy, hairy man leg over my leg is soo not on!
    I don’t think that not sharing a bed is theend of your marriage or relationship. To be honest, hubs working night shift has probably saved me from spending time in prison because my pillow ‘accidently’ fell over his head while he was sleeping.

  40. Anci

    August 26, 2014 at 9:22 am

    My husband and I haven´t slept in a bed together for ~10yrs now. I move around like a hurricane and he sounds like one:/ haha… hope y´all get that picture:D we´re still happily married.. in different rooms and beds:)

  41. Ashie

    August 26, 2014 at 1:56 pm

    I Don’t share a bed with my husband. We have been married for almost 9 years now, and maybe shared a bed for the first year. I LOVE not sharing a bed. I boil to death when I sleep, and my husband is all over my all night when we share a bed. I think you do whatever works for you as a couple. We have 2 queen size beds in our room lol. And trust me, just because you dont share a bed doesnt mean there is no sex 😉

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *