Unless you've been living under a rock (or perhaps trapped under a mountain of clutter?), then you've undoubtedly heard of Marie Kondo. The organization expert wrote a book a few years ago about her Konmari method. Kondo really wants to free you from clutter and mess, and spark joy in your life. Like, REALLY badly. She gets a kick out of this stuff, and we love her for it. Maybe you read her book, maybe you didn't even know it existed. But there's no ignoring her now that she's got her own Netflix show. Tidying Up with Marie Kondo is the feel-good show of the year. Like Queer Eye but for your home! Watching her go into homes and help people solve the clutter issues in their lives is incredibly soothing. She's basically Mary Poppins but for messy and stressed out grown-ups.
Now, people seem to fall into two camps. You either love Marie Kondo and want to Konmari the hell out of your life. OR, you find the whole process stupid and pointless and have genuine anger over the suggestion that you donate that skirt you loved in the 8th grade. But regardless of how you feel about her and the show and decluttering your life, you have to admit: the Marie Kondo meme game is strong. The pictures are hilarious. The tweets are side-splitting. Marie may have inspired us to throw away 90% of our belongings. But we are hoarding these memes like they will save our lives when the apocalypse hits. THEY SPARK SO MUCH JOY.
Marie has some very specific rules about decluttering, but the most important is that an item must spark joy within you in to win a spot in your home (and heart). You have to hold it and decide if it makes you happy enough to keep it. Then, if the answer is no, thank it and gently send it to the donate/trash pile. Simple, yes? But like ... let's be honest. We don't spark joy within ourselves a good chunk of the time. We can just imagine Marie calmly saying we had to thank ourselves and toss ourselves away. RULES ARE RULES, PEOPLE.
OK, so watching the show, it's clear that a lot of what people part with is literal garbage. Not just junk, but actual trash? It's kind of insane how much trash we hang on to! But when it comes to clothes and shoes and kitchen stuff and books, man ... thrift store shoppers are about to scoooooooore. But that's the beauty of Konmari, right? Accepting that something no longer sparks joy in you, and releasing it into the world to hopefully spark joy for someone else. It's really one big pay it forward, when you think about it. Everybody wins here!
Here's where we struggle with the Konmari method: sometimes something DOES spark joy in you the minute you see it, so you buy it! You probably forget about it, or use it or wear it once or twice and then never again. But it did, once upon a time, spark a crapload of joy in you, or you wouldn't have bought it! So clearly this Konmari thing is an ongoing endeavor. And honestly the thought of doing this to our homes a few times a year is enough to make us cry. Marie needs to do a follow-up show on how to live the Konmari life after you've thoroughly ransacked your own belongings. We bet Marie is the kind of person who goes to Target and only gets what's on her list.
We kid, we kid! Sort of, LOL. If we're being real, half the reason we have to spend two weeks sorting through our belongings is because we went and had kids and completely lost track of reality and/or our minds. One day, you're a put-together, organized person. Then you have some kids. And suddenly you can't find one of the 42 sippy cups you own so you go to Target to buy more and walk out $200 and some throw pillows later. Kids are great, we love our kids, but they ruin everything nice. Side note: trying to Konmari your kids' stuff is impossible if they are present. How you speak to someone rationally who says an old straw from McDonald's makes them happy?
If we're going to get really serious about it, lots of stuff we own doesn't spark joy. Hell, being an adult doesn't really spark joy. Can we throw that away? Donate it to a youth? Get rid of the dishwasher, and all the dishes while you're at it. That iron? LOL, like you even use it. You know all those cleaning supplies spark the opposite of joy (although getting rid of your cleaning supplies during a cleaning purge might be counterproductive). Let's really take this Konmari shit seriously and rid ourselves of all the things that bring us down. We'd have like four possessions.
People really honed in on the book thing, and man, book Twitter was BIG MAD. Marie Kondo didn't tell you to throw away all your books guys, calm the hell down. Do all 293854749 of them spark joy? THEN GREAT. What she suggested was that you read them when you are interested in them, and once you are done and they do not spark joy, donate them. We swear, people were acting like she demanded you burn them and rub the ashes on your naked body while reciting your favorite passages. For people who read so much, they sure don't seem to understand context or nuance.
Damn, Marie Kondo is savage AF and her rules offer no mercy, LOL. We love the memes that turn Marie into a merciless monster who wants to rid your life of literally every single person and thing. Because if you've watched the show, you know that she is quite possibly the sweetest person to walk the earth. She's so prim and proper and her voice is like wind chimes! But cross Marie and Marie will cross you back and will laugh as she walks over your desiccated corpse on the way to the rubbish bin. But she'll say thank you and smile, of course, before casting you off into the landfill to be eaten by rats.
Like, there's going to be erotic fanfic written about Marie Kondo and her Konmari method (this probably already exists, tbh, the internet works fast). "Oh Marie, tell me I spark joy in you!" "You spark nothing in me, you are useless and unnecessary." "Don't stop Marie, tell me I'm going to the rubbish pile!" God, we feel really dirty know, Marie would 100% throw us away. But seriously, this kind of stuff cracks us up. Because Marie Kondo 100% would not touch most of us dirty plebes with a 10-foot pole. We are undeserving of her affection, just look at our massive trash piles.
We would pay good money to see the inside of Marie Kondo's home. Like, real paper money. When she tee-hees and says, "Oh, my house is messy too!" Uh, we are going to bet that is a complete lie. What is Marie's version of messy, do you think? A stray receipt on her desk? A fork in the sink? Perhaps a (gasp!) dirty sock laying right next to the hamper! We are endlessly curious about what brings Marie joy, and how she maintains her home. She has small children! Who, according to Marie, enjoy tidying up with her. That statement alone proves she's either lying or some kind of diabolical overlord.
Maybe we've all gotten a little cynical and fatalistic thanks to the nonstop barrage of bad news and terrible events going on in the world. But we could ... we could totally see something like this happening. A Hunger Games/Handmaid's Tale/Konmari mash-up, televised on Netflix (of course), where Marie Kondo carries out punishment for applause and to spark joy. This tweet might be the most believable of all the Marie Kondo memes, LOL. Just picture tiny, demure Marie, a half-smile gracing her face, a slight bow as she fulfills the wishes of the bloodthirsty (joy-thirsty?) crowd and chucks a condemned person into a bottomless pit.
You know, we really don't give much thought to 90% of our possessions. We're going to be honest - when we Konmari'd our homes, we found stuff we had absolutely no idea we even owned! And we bet that was the case for most people who set out on this journey of joy. Sure, it's a little weird to hold a spatula or a bathing suit or whatever ans ask yourself if it brings you joy. OK, maybe it's a lot weird. Clothes were easy (we donated so much clothing it's actually sickening), but the kitchen ... that was strange. But we'll be damned if one of our measuring cups didn't make us happier than all the others.
Haaaaaaa! Marie Kondo with the fake out! Can you even imagine?! Marie's like, oh you like this book? This one? Then she probably giggles to herself and sends a sideways glance to the camera person and her assistant like, watch me make a sucker out of this guy. But, this tweet (as funny as it is) does bring up a good point: what exactly does it mean when something sparks joy? Where does the joy come from? How do we know it's genuine. Marie says you will just know. But you know what we know? The mesh panties we wore after the births of our children legitimately spark joy, but we are also certain we probably should not keep them. It's been quite a few years - they clearly go in the sentimental pile (and hopefully the trash when our joy threshold is heightened enough).
Has anyone considered that? Like why is Marie Kondo so damn insistent that we purge all of our possessions and only hold onto a few that spark joy? What does she know that we don't? Maybe she's got a team of helpers all over the country, ready to buy up our discarded goods as soon as they hit the thrift shelves, so she can market and sell them back to us at an incredibly high mark-up. Or maybe there's some kind of apocalypse brewing, and we've just given away everything we could use to fight back. Marie Kondo will be the last one standing, laughing as she ascends to power over us. It's possible, is all we're saying.
If clothes and shoes and books and kitchen utensils can spark joy, then we should 100% hold our work-related stuff to the same standard. That email? No joy. The invoice you need to submit? Absolutely joyless. Big project you don't want to work on? Doesn't sound like it's sparking a whole lot of joy! Why should our work also spark joy? After all, we spend as much time at work as we do at home, maybe more. Let's Konmari our offices and work spaces and coworkers and computers. Joy should be sparking all over the goddamn place, as far as we're concerned! And as an added bonus, when you're finally fired for throwing away all your work, you won't have money to buy more crap you'll eventually need to purge.
We had a very similar experience when we started Konmari. We were excited, we were committed to living a decluttered life, we recognized that our possessions were bringing us down and holding us back. SO READY. Five minutes in is when it turned bad, and suddenly our rage for adorable little Marie Kondo knew no bounds and we were more attached to our meaningless stuff than ever before. It's ... all part of the process, LOL. It may be junk, it may be trash, it may be completely useless. But it our useless junk and trash! It's hard to say goodbye.
Watching Marie Kondo's show while surrounded by all of your glorious clutter is sort of like watching those extreme fitness shows while sitting on your couch eating ice cream directly from the carton. You maybe aren't getting the most of the message is what we're saying, LOL. Watching the show can be a bit uncomfortable, we're not going to lie. But we guess if you're good at suppressing that and ignoring the glaringly obvious, it's probably more entertaining. Not saying everyone needs Marie Kondo, but we certainly think applying at least a few of her methods could be helpful! Or you know, keep hanging out in your clutter. You do you, boo.
Like, legitimately: we want to see Marie Kondo's kids and watch them tidy up. We want her to teach us how to get our kids to understand WTF sparks joy actually means. Because listen - every single thing they own sparks joy in them, much like a dog! A dog finds an immense amount of joy in their own feces, for crying out loud. A kid probably would too, if we're being honest. There needs to be three separate Konmari methods: regular, parent Konmari, and pet parent Konmari. Because some of those principles in the regular method just don't work. Every time we throw something in the donate pile, our kid or dog finds it and suddenly it's the greatest goddamn treasure they've ever seen.
Uh, the couple from the first episode of that show? Shooooooo, that whole dynamic made us cringe. There are more problems there than laundry, but we would have Konmari'd that dude right out of the house if he'd nitpicked our housekeeping skills the way he did his wife. Thank you, next! The thing we really love about Marie Kondo is that she is not judgmental at all. Like, she really gets why that mom from the first episode was so stressed and overwhelmed. She's got two kids to care for all day! Laundry is not as important as keeping the kids alive, so yeah, that's going to be neglected quite a bit. Husbands should spark joy too, we need an episode on that.
Let's apply Konmari to all areas of our lives! Because yes, as much as our possessions can stress us out and make us feel overwhelmed, they're nothing compared to what surrounding ourselves with the wrong people can do. We'd be totally down with a method designed to remove people from our lives who do not spark joy. Keep your 11 pairs of jeans and the 17 different serving spoons you have - get rid of the bad friends and asshole partners. They're doing you more harm than your overflowing closet. Help us out, Marie! We would watch the hell out of a Konmari: Assholes edition.
Keep your stuff! Keep all your stuff and collect more stuff and create new piles and nests for your stuff to gather! The more stuff you the less feelings you can feel, and that's never not a good thing, right? There are definitely people for whom every single material object they own sparks joy. Those people ... should not watch Marie Kondo. But also those people aren't hurting anyone else and they really like their stuff and that's fine! The Konmari thing is on a big upswing right now, but pretty soon the tides will turn and the next big thing will be to have SO MUCH STUFF and all the people who threw away 90% of their possessions are going to be so sad, LOL.