Clean Up In Aisle 3: Customer Throws Jizz At Female Shopper He Thought Was ‘Hot’

Picture this, you are minding your own biz, possibly busying bulk paper towels and cat food and mayhaps some lovely and delicious snack products when some dude interrupts you enjoying the easy listening of the Doobie Brothers “Takin’ It To the Streets” – the muzack version!- when you suddenly hear someone say “excuse me” and feel something wet and vaguely slimy on your “thigh, buttocks and leg.”

I will give you THREE guesses to guess where this happened!

You guys suck you never play my guessing games. SAD FACE.

It happened at Wal-Mart! Yes, I am being elitist about Wal-Mart here because I have never heard of any semen-tossing incidents at Target!

According to the Smoking Gun:

Upon examination, the woman–who thought she may have been spat upon–realized there was a ”a ”˜glob’ of semen on her leg, just below her knee,” reported police. Preliminary testing of the substance was ”indicative of semen,” investigators added.

The woman, who said she was initially ”in shock at what had happened,” told cops that as she walked through Walmart looking for help, Short followed her. She subsequently was escorted by workers to a security office, where a store manager called police (who, upon arrival, arrested Short).

When confronted by troopers, Short initially claimed to have ”sneezed into his hands, then shook his hands off,” adding that some of his mucus may have ”flung on to her.

UGH PRO TIP HERE MUCUS IS JUST AS GROSS AS SEMEN IT IS ALL GROSS.

One of my friends made this amazing pic for me so I had to include it!

This happened in New Castle, Delaware, and the victim was a 20-year-old college student. The dude who flung his own trouser sauce is facing offensive touching with bodily fluid; harassment; disorderly conduct; and lewdness counts. I think he probably needs some sort of therapy.

Why does this happen and why don’t we ever hear about woman doing creepy junk like this? I have never heard of a woman splooshing all over her panties and then throwing it at anyone. The war on women is real and it’s also taking place in the hollowed aisles of Wal-Mart. This all reminds me that I’m out of paper towels and I’m so not going to be the one buying them this weekend.

(Image: the Smoking Gun)