Reddit Is The Worst Place In The World For Many Things, Like Providing Live Updates Of Your Wife’s Affair

Reddit. I don’t understand it. To me, it’s a confusing place filled with randomness. For example, the first two links on the home page right now are, “How to blind your girlfriend,” and, “TIL fruit stickers are made out of edible paper. Even the glue is food grade.” It’s also well-known as a place where you can find pictures of dead children and upskirt photos of teenagers. And, apparently, it’s also where you give strangers live updates about your wife’s affair. A couple of days ago, a Redditor with the screen name “MyLifeSuxNow” (uh, a spoiler alert would have been nice)

A couple of days ago, a Redditor with the screen name “MyLifeSuxNow” (uh, a spoiler alert would have been nice) posted on Reddit’s relationship board that he was pretty sure his wife was cheating on him and wanted the internet to tell him if he should get a divorce or start following her to get proof. That is because the internet is the right place to go for well-thought-out, reasonable advice about your most personal problems.

Reddit was all, “Hire a PI! And keep us posted!” And the dude was like, “Yeah, ok!” And that’s where things went bananas. The story was first written up on UpRoxx, which is where the good folks at Jezebel found it and shared the insanity. I say, “insanity” because  MyLifeSuxNow started sharing detailed updates in real time about what he was learning about his wife’s affair. From UpRoxx:

(5:15pm) 1/16/2015: Private Investigator hired to tail her Saturday, Sunday and Monday

(6:00pm) 1/16/2015: It took a while, but passwords to everything changed, backed up personal info, created throwaway email to send proof to.

(6:47pm) 1/16/2015: She’s home, It really sucks speaking to her normally, but I’m dealing with it. No sex. Also, I’ve found 3 excellent divorce lawyers for myself. Luckily I make much more than her so I can afford an excellent lawyer while she can only afford a mediocre one at best.

(8:13pm) 1/16/2015: Hired a divorce lawyer (pricey) but he’s known to do excellent work. I’m in good hands. It’s tempting to have sex, my soon to be ex-wife is trying extra hard to seduce me tonight for some reason. She’s either super horny or is trying to get me to have sex with her as a form of infidelity forgiveness.

(8:54pm) 1/16/2015: Goddammit she’s on her phone texting again in the bathroom. I can hear the send button being pressed over and over. It’s probably nudes and sexy talk. Jeesus this hurts.

(9:55pm) 1/16/2015: She went to bed, I’m sitting here watching TV on my laptop. She’s trying to initiate sex, I of course have to decline. I went to have sex with her but I’ll control myself. Despite what she did being unforgivable, she’s still beautiful on the outside.

“Wow,” said Reddit. “I guess we should have figured that it might go this way when we asked you for updates, though the time stamps are a bit of a surprise. Um, do you have any friends you can talk to? Or maybe your wife would be a good person to ask about this?” Nah, I’m kidding. Reddit was totally into it. And so the updates continued. His sister-in-law Carly got involved, as did Starbucks and lots of group conversations in cars, and then:

(3:51pm) 1/17/2015: Remember the guy that met up with Carly in Starbucks? He just got into the car that Zack and Jenny are in. They’re all sitting together discussing something. Things are heating up again. I’ll post proof later on I’m trying to follow the situation now. It’s escalating quickly just like earlier.

(3:55pm) 1/17/2015: They’ve pulled out of the shopping center, PI is tailing.

(4:04pm) 1/17/2015: They have arrived at the hotel. Zack, Jenny, and stranger are heading into the hotel, Carly is inside the hotel somewhere. The stranger is probably the person Carly is having an affair with i’m guessing. If the stranger was a hitman, I’d think he’d be a bit taller or muscular. He looks like an average guy, although he’s fairly short. Not sure how the PI can go about following without looking suspicious.

(4:11pm) 1/17/2015: My PI followed them into the lobby, Jenny picked up a room key and all 3 of them headed for the elevator. We’re essentially blind right now, we don’t know what’s going on in the hotel room(s). PI want’s to know if he should stakeout the hotel or if we should call it a day? It seems like they’ll spend the rest of the day in the hotel and they’ll also sleep together there.   I think Carly was trying to portray Jenny as the only person who was cheating, that’s why she texted my bro right away. I think now if Jenny rats out Carly, Carly will deny it and say Jenny is just saying that because she was caught cheating. Once again, my head is spinning.

(4:16pm) 1/17/2015: Okay, so essentially all four of them are inside the hotel doing something, most likely having sex. The thought of my wife having sex with another man makes me want to puke, but I’m coping. There is no way for my PI to get upstairs in the hotel or to find out what’s going on in there. He’ll stake out the hotel for a few more hours before heading home.

(4:28pm) 1/17/2015: Jenny just texted me that Carly is cheating”¦”¦”¦”¦”¦”¦ I actually don’t know where to go from here.

(4:41pm) 1/17/2015: Still not sure what I should reply to Jenny. What should I say? My life is being destroyed here :/

So for those of you who are confused, basically this man’s wife and sister-in-law are helping each other cheat on their respective husbands in some weird and uncomfortable group conspiracy, and now the two women are turning on each other, and this guy really needs to get off Reddit and talk to his goddamn wife.

As of yesterday afternoon, MyLifeSuxNow had confronted his wife and was telling Reddit how it was going while she was in the bathroom (like a grown-up). He promised to update, but there has been radio silence since 6pm yesterday. This can only mean that a) he is dead and therefore unable to type, or b) someone discovered his posts, which were all over the front page of Reddit all weekend, and asked him to stop. It has to be one of those two, because it certainly isn’t c) he realized this was the wrong thing to do and decided to stop posting. And what are we, the people of the world, left with? Here’s how Jezebel’s Mark Shrayber sums it up:

…even if nothing more is written about this sad, sad affair (double meaning there) here are two ruined marriages, at least two broken hearts and the most interesting case of sister-in-laws bonding with each other.

Gross, internet. Maybe keep it zipped next time (pun intended.) (Photo: PathDoc / Shutterstock)