Mama Love Junkie and Mothertougher: How To Deal With An ‘Old Flame’

MamaLoveJunkie And Mothertougher advice There is never just one way of looking at things. Mama Love Junkie and Mothertougher answer your questions on motherhood, sex, love and life from both sides: the logical and the emotional.

 

Dear Mama Love Junkie and Mothertougher,

I have been in love with my husband for as long as I can remember. We were children when we met, really, and we have grown to love each other deeply, and without condition. We have two children, and I adore them, every second of every day. Which is why this situation I am in is so confusing. 

I ran into a high school flame. Or, I should say, a would-be-flame, that is defined in my memory only by the crush I used to carry around. It was all innocent enough, we exchanged numbers, and are now texting. A lot. I know that if my husband found out I was texting all relatively flirtatious but nothing over the line with this old ”friend” he would be hurt. I also know that if my children ever found out they are 9 and 11 year old girls their innocence and their respect for me as a woman might be challenged. But to feel that high school rush again, especially when there is no chance of it ”going anywhere” is something I actually hold pretty sacred. Should I delete the number, or enjoy the writing?

Thanks for your thoughts,

Confused and Crushing Mama

FROM MAMA LOVE JUNKIE

Dear Confused and Crushing,

I am so jealous. I know I should say that you need to be very careful and your husband’s feelings are the most important thing on earth and I will say that soon but not yet. First, I just need to say that I am jealous. What mama, covered in a day-long film of tiny people’s needs, doesn’t want to have a few moments of being the center of attention? What wife, after so many years, doesn’t want to have the possibility (even if never realized) of another man one who hasn’t seen her throwing up during a spell of the stomach flu or pushing out a watermelon sized human through her vagina thinking she is sexy and mysterious and lovely? What person doesn’t want to be wanted? And reminded so by a little ping of a glittery phone?

Don’t have sex with this high school flame. That much I know to be true. Don’t even kiss him, even if you bump into each other at the old bar in town and the jute box is playing ”More than Words” and you actually feel transported into the time in your life when bare midriffs was an actual possibility. Because no matter what, even if it is the best kiss of your life, you are sure to regret it.

You ask if your girls might lose their respect for you as a woman and a wife and I think you know the answer to this. They will. And they will be wrong and right all at once. They will be wrong because at 9 and 11 they cannot possibly understand the tremendous strength it takes to know everything there is to know about someone and still love them. They will be wrong because you never had any intention of leaving them or their father, not in body or mind, of course.

But they will also be right, and here is the rub on this one. Because if you text with your flame too much, your husband will find out, and if he finds out he will feel like a fool. And the worst thing you can do to a man who you love is make him feel like a fool.

So my advice is this. Stop, breathe in, and read the texts you have a few hundred times. Relish in them, especially the ones that get really close to the line. And then delete them. And then tell your husband about it. You don’t need to show him the string of texts, and hopefully, by telling him about it he will understand your need to have a little privacy in your life. And he will also understand that it was important to you that he not be a fool and that you be honest about what is going on in your life and why you need it.

And one more thing he will understand, and this may be the best part. He will understand that there are other people out there who want you, and he will remember that he has you, and that will be a very good thing indeed.

Last thing: make sure that you remember what this means. Your husband may too have an old flame pop back into his life one day, and maybe that’s OK. Because you have him, and that too is sexy.

Yours in love,

Mama Love Junkie

FROM MOTHERTOUGHER 

Dear Crushing,

When I was pregnant with my first, an older mom wistfully asked me if I’d started “feeling invisible yet”. She explained that once she started showing, she felt like she ceased to exist as a sexual object to men – something that continued even after she’d given birth. At the time, I thought she was being incredibly anti-feminist and depressing. Now, I realize she was just being realistic.

Motherhood is an amazing thing, but it does change the dynamics – with yourself, your significant other, and with the world. I won’t go into the larger issues at play here, because it won’t help you figure out your life. But I think it’s important to realize that just because we are wives and mothers doesn’t mean we suddenly cease to be human, sexual beings. This relationship obviously links you to your past – a past where you were young and free. That’s sexy. But you were also alone, then, and now you’re not. The decisions you make affect your kids and the person you committed to being with. And you know, that can be sexy, too.

You may have lost that young, unencumbered part of yourself, but at the same time you’ve become this strong, capable person who has people who depend on her. Our society is really screwed up in what we’re conditioned to think of as ”sexy” illicit affairs, lithe bodies, danger. It’s Scandal versus Parenthood. One we watch for escape, one we watch for commiseration. And that’s what these texts are, for you: escapism. If part of you didn’t feel they were wrong, they wouldn’t be so thrilling.

Problem is, we don’t live in an episode of Scandal. And even if we did, we’d be dodging bullets and getting sent to insane asylums (although we’d be wearing really great outfits and have perfect hair while doing so, which I suppose takes the edge off). If your husband finds out about your text affair, he’s going to be hurt, and angry, and there will be a hugely unsexy mess to clean up. So as fun as this has been, it’s time for you to stop it. Flirtation is healthy, but this has gone too far. Think of it this way: how would you feel if your husband was texting these things to an old flame?

You say there isn’t a chance of it ”going anywhere”, but honey it’s already gone somewhere. You’re having an emotional affair. Those can be just as toxic as the physical kind.

The very fact that you wrote in and asked what to do means you already have your answer. End the conversation with Texty McTexterson. Whether you tell your husband about the texts is up to you, but consider this: you know your heart. He doesn’t. He might perceive what you’ve done as more hurtful than you’ve intended it to be. I’m not saying you should lie, but part of marriage is knowing your partner only tell him if you think he’d want to know; not because you want to unburden yourself. If it’s better kept a secret, that’s okay. And it’s also okay to allow that secret to fuel your inner confidence and sexuality. Because you’re not invisible, and you are definitely still sexy. Which is exactly why you need to end this, and end it now.

Honestly,

 
Mothertougher

Have a dilemma you need advice for? send your questions to mamalovejunkie@gmail.com!

Similar Posts