Chef's note: Feel free to experiment with the ingredients in this recipe. For example, any exhausted new mother will suffice, it is not necessary to have a parenting partner at hand, and you can include any number of babies or children.
Also, if any of these ingredients are non-local or non-organic, they will likely cause irreparable harm to your child, so, you know, LET THAT BE ON YOUR HEAD.
Green Smoothie in 39 Easy Steps
Eight cubes of honeydew melon
About two inches of cucumber, peeled
One apple, seeds removed and quartered, sliced
Handful of spinach
Slightly larger handful of kale (ALL HAIL KALE)
Four slices of frozen peaches
One cup almond milk
One New Mother, slightly awake
One Partner (optional)
One 11-month-old baby (Feel free to add other children as well)
One highly disruptive pet (We used a 70-pound, bull-headed, large doberman/pit/rottweiler mix with great results)
One wristwatch (waterproof, preferably)
Prep time: 45 minutes.
1. Wake up to the sound of your baby vocalizing about 35 minutes earlier than your body wants to, preferably in the middle of your sleep cycle so you will be massively disoriented and 30% less of a good human being than you usually are.
2. Use the bathroom holding your baby on your lap because he will not tolerate being set down or handed to anyone else this morning. (Optional: nurse your baby while using the bathroom because he is so upset.)
3. Realize you are hungry. Go to the kitchen, being thwacked in the shin by the dog's intensely powerful tail along the way. Consider attaching a small mace to the dog's tail for home security when you're away.
4. Holding your baby, pull the above ingredients out of the fridge. Squat instead of bending over: this keeps baby from falling out of your arms and also gives you a little exercise for your neglected core which did so much work to get your baby out into the world.
5. Stepping around the sniffing dog, set all food ingredients on counter for Partner to make smoothie.
6. Pull paring knife from drawer with sleepy hands.
7. Drop knife onto wood floor. IMPORTANT: react quickly and jump out of the way as it clatters to the floor, hitting nothing but the wood. Say prayers of thanks to whomever receives your prayers that the baby was in your arms and the dog was out of the way.
8. Squat again to pick up the knife (CORE MUSCLES!). Put knife on cutting block and walk away.
9. Partner should now start to make the smoothie. Cut into the cucumber and notice that the tiny metal point of the knife tip is missing.
11. Check the bottom of all eight feet in the kitchen (excluding the baby's; now it is fortunate that the baby has screamed every time you went to put him down this morning).
12. Locate super-strong magnet on the refrigerator. Run it across the floor, including the crunchy under-counter corners. (Optional: Feel deep shame because your mother taught you how to clean better than that.)
13. Come up with only food crumbs. Partner and baby should now retreat to the baby-proofed part of the house.
14. Put dog in his crate. Pretend his whining is non-verbal dog appreciation for the way you keep everything together and take such good care of him. Assume the same of his ear-piercing barks.
15. Sweep carefully the entire kitchen and eating area. Once swept, use wet mop over the same floor area. Notice that the wet mop's scent is called "Open Window Scent" in English, and "Parfum GRAND Air" in French.
16. Finish cleaning the floor. Partner should set baby down in living room to do another sweep.
17. Try not to jinx the fact that baby is now entertaining himself with a plastic block.
18. Mother should put ingredients into blender in the order listed above.
19. Baby should find dog's water bowl, tip it over, and splash happily in the water. Baby should not finish until his lower half is entirely soaked and he is grinning and clapping his hands, thus disarming any frustration you might be tempted to feel.
20. Partner should clean up the water, undress and re-clothe the baby, who should screech in protest.
21. Mother should finish putting ingredients into blender.
22. Mother should wait to start blender until baby is reclothed, in arms, and has his sound-dampening headphones on, because the sound scares him.
23. While waiting, Mother should wash the bowl of caked-on rice soaking in the sink from two days ago and put away dishes in the drying rack.
24. Dog should settle and accept his crated state.
25. Once baby is in arms, run blender.
26. Notice that, despite it being a fancy super-blender (that you bought in an emotional purchase at a wholesale warehouse while five months pregnant), the apple quarters are sticking in the blade and not blending.
27. Use blender wand to push apple chunks into the blades. Pretend you are Hermione Granger and try to remember any of those useful spells.
28. Notice that smoothie is getting warm and frothy because of blade action. Marvel that super-blender company audaciously markets the "warming function" as a desirable way to make soup and not the product flaw that it so clearly is.
29. Add more frozen peach slices.
30. Apple chunks should now loosen and blend.
31. Turn blender off, remove baby's headphones, and place him on the almost-certainly-free-of-small-metal-bits floor.
32. Once mostly smooth, pour into glasses and sippy cup.
33. Hear plop in the bathroom. Wonder if you engaged the childproof lock on the toilet the last time you used it. Realize that you probably didn't.
34. Rush in and find wristwatch in the toilet. Thank your lucky stars that you did not follow the hippies' directives to "let it mellow" the last time the toilet was used.
35. Remove and clean watch with hot water and soap. Wash baby's hands. Wash your hands.
36. At last, put baby in highchair, feed rice crackers, salmon, and smoothie. 37. Wish you had screwed the sippy cup cap on more tightly when baby throws smoothie on the floor, coating the floor with green goodness.
38. Let clean-up crew out of crate.
39. Parents, drink now-lukewarm smoothies.