This MacGyver Parenting Style Is The Hot New Parenting Style You Have To Try
Let’s talk for a moment about MacGyver. Yes, that one. Angus MacGyver, mulleted genius, making bombs out of sweater fibers, chewing gum, and a pushpin. To this day, I have no idea what the rest of the show was about, all that I remember is that MacGyver made some crazy shit out of the crap you find in your couch cushions.
No, I wasn’t really an ’80s kid. What I was was a kid whose family was too poor to afford a cable subscription OR the new releases at the video store, which means most nights we watched extremely old shows like MacGyver or Star Trek. But reminiscing about this led me to ponder all of the ways that we, as parents, are ALL MacGyver. All of us. In moments of life-or-death, necessity is the mother of invention, and each of us belong at the Phoenix Foundation.
1. Impromptu Nursing Pads
What you need: Anything within grabbing distance. Seriously. A maxi pad, a used sock, a newborn kitten. Anything that can stop the gushing flow of chafe liquid, if only for one blessed moment.
What you do: Shove it in your bra, obviously.
2. Out-Of-Nowhere Diapers
What you need: Set of keys, old t-shirt, five paper towels (folded), two rolls of duct tape.
What you do: Distract child with keys, form t-shirt into a sort-of diaper shape, wad paper towels up into crotch area, secure entire shebang with a fuckton of duct tape. Pretend it’s working.
3. Impromptu Baby Wipes
What you need: A houseplant, a clothespin, a black hole.
What you do: Plug nostrils with clothespin, wipe your child’s rear with the leaf off of a houseplant. Launch dignity into a black hole.
4. Bottle Warmer On The Fly
What you need: Any heat source, including the radioactive ones, asbestos-lined gloves (optional).
What you do: Go near the heat. Hold the bottle in front of it. Pray for a warm bottle or a quick death, whichever comes first.
What you need: A suitcase, a pillow, scissors, plastic wrap, bungee cords.
What you do: Cut pillows open and shove fluff into suitcase, secure with plastic wrap and strap child in with bungee cords, spend all night arguing with your partner about how “this won’t work, you moron!”
6. Jury-rigged Sound Machine
What you need: A pound of rice, two paper plates, a stapler, and a tube of Bengay.
What you do: Pour rice onto paper plate, staple other paper plate on top, and rotate at regular intervals to make the soothing sound of rain. Apply Bengay when muscle death begins to occur.
7. A Sort Of Baby Gate
What you need: Everything you’ve ever owned, ever.
What you do: Pile it up in front of the area you don’t want your kid to discover. If something falls on top of them, convince yourself they’re learning a valuable lesson about the unfairness of life.
What you need: Tampons
What you do: Scatter tampons on floor. Give up on life.