Vacation becomes something of a chore once kids are involved. More than once I've returned from a "relaxing" family trip and uttered the tired line, "I need a vacation to recover from my vacation." That's probably because I'm one of the poors, though, and I can't afford a luxury getaway like Maria Rocco's Me And Mom in Tuscany retreat. Yes, that's right: you can take your kids to Tuscany for a special mommy and me getaway.
According to Forbes, Me And Mom is an "exclusive retreat and summer camp" offering you and your child the chance to experience what creator Maria Rocco calls "real travel" as you do yoga, taste wine, and relax by the pool. Oh, you can also take excursions to see Italy, if you're into that sort of thing. There's one other thing about this getaway, though; something I find sort of odd considering it's marketed as a mom and me trip: you don't actually have to spend any time at all with your kid(s) if you don't want to. From the Forbes write-up:
Mom’s stay at a stunning 8 bedroom villa, a short walking distance from the children’s accommodations. Children stay at a renovated farmhouse that provides room inside and out for the children to explore... Mom’s are offered a flexible range of services and activities that are designed to let them relax and enjoy their Tuscan adventure, while knowing that their kids are having just as much fun. Opportunities for shared memories are also encouraged by organizing combined activities and excursions for both the mom’s and her children.
So, you can go to Italy with your kids, sleep in, get pampered, and never have to actually see them. Is this a normal thing that happens when rich people vacation? I don't know about you, but my vacations are not at all like that. In fact, I'd argue with Maria Rocco that the hell we experience is the "REAL" travel. Here's what vacation looks like for this mom and her brood:
1. Gather the WHOLE family.
There is no "mom and me" about it. We saved up for this. This is our one trip for the year. Everyone is going. Everyone. We will stuff someone in the trunk if we have to, which brings me to point #2...
2. Airfare? Nope.
That shit is expensive. We drive.
3. Fast food.
Rich people cook with Italian chefs. We eat fast food. In the car. Once we've arrived at our destination, we'll probably hit up a couple restaurants for dinner because we're fancy, but nothing even close to fine dining sans kids. What even is that?
4. Holiday Inn.
It's a step up from La Quinta, but not quite Embassy Suites level. I would've preferred a Hampton Inn & Suites, but they charge more. I think you have to pay extra for the "& Suites."
If you've never shoved your entire family in a king-sized bed and then been up all night while the baby cried and the toddler pretended the bed was a giant bounce house, who even are you? Go back to your Tuscan Villa. You disgust me.
6. Continental breakfast.
I don't normally eat any of this stuff for breakfast, but since it's available I need 7 pastries, a yogurt, oatmeal, 2 different kinds of kid cereal, coffee, hot chocolate, tea, juice, milk, and whatever the hot option is. Hold the gross "scrambled egg" blob, please.
7. Burning eyes from the over-chlorinated hotel pool.
If this isn't a part of your vacations, you have a better life than me. Try not to rub it in too much.
8. Vacation exhaustion.
I am sick of this stupid shower with no water pressure, I've gained 5 pounds from free breakfast pastries, I'm washing my hair with fumes from my empty travel shampoo bottle, and I just want to sleep in my own bed without anyone farting on me or accidentally punching me in the face. Yup. Normal people vacations make home look nice by comparison. It's not a private villa in Maremma, Italy, but it is where I want to be.