being a mom

I Went On A 24 Hour Juice Fast And Made My Kids Mac N Cheese And Didn’t Cry Once (Not Really)

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shutterstock_155147969I have a lot of stupid ideas. Bleaching all of my super long hair and dying it lilac. Trying to back out of my garage when the electric door is frozen with what looks like just enough room to get my car out but isn’t. Going on a 24 hour juice fast and cooking my children Annie’s bunny organic Mac N Cheese and almost breaking into tears over the boiling water.

Ok, so the juice fast isn’t as bad as I’m making it out to be, or as bad as I whined to my Mommyish co-workers that it was. Maria Guido is the asshole who got me into this nonsense. Claiming she once juice fasted for 21 days and by the end of it she had lost 14 pounds and her skin was DEWY AND GLOWING. I don’t know about you guys, but because of this awful winter my skin basically has the texture of the cheapo paper towels you buy at Walgreens when you realize you are out of paper towels and you grab the ones closest to the checkout lane because you have to rush home and watch Scandal. My face is all dry and flakey. I have gained a mess of weight over the winter due to tator tots covered in cheese and bacon (NO LIE) and the occasional three cupcakes in one sitting, and I just feel sort of blah. Plus, I have been drinking more tequila than water.

I caved and bought the juicer everyone buys on Amazon and experimented making my own juices, but quickly learned that in order to make a decent green juice that doesn’t taste like lawnmower clippings and snail tears that you have to add a mess of yummy yummy fruit to it, which sort of defeats the whole purpose of juice cleansing. Heathy juices are sad juices. The juices I was making had basically the caloric equivalent of a Big Mac. Sure, I was making them with organic kale and celery and cucumbers but then I was adding enough fruit to make them taste like a Pop Tart. I was getting my vegetables, but I was also getting a giant dose of sugar.

I decided I wanted to be more hardcore for just a small frame of time to see what the big whoop is. So I spent a whole mess of my grocery money ordering a 24 juice cleanse from Williams Sonoma. My Life Juice cleanse cost me 65 dollahs, and you can double that because I purchased one for my husband as well so I didn’t have to suffer alone.

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There goes all of our FUN money for the month, which means there will be no movies with delicious popcorn covered in fake butter or like, laundry detergent. Because I don’t know how to read I blindly purchased the juices not fully realizing I would have to drink SEVEN in one day, and that those yummy looking red juices aren’t yummy because they are made with pomegranate juice or blood orange juice or red apples, they are like that because they are made with healthy shit like beets and red cabbage.

The first “juice” you drink isn’t technically a juice, it is a water made with water, lemons and pink Himalayan sea salt. Sounds sexy right? Sounds nice and sexy and healthy and cleansing. This water tasted vaguely reminiscent of Visine when you accidentally put too much into your eyes and it drips onto your lips and you instinctively lick them.

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79 Comments

  1. Valerie

    February 18, 2014 at 8:25 am

    You had me at snail tears.

    • Eve Vawter

      February 18, 2014 at 8:55 am

      Not that I know this is exactly what it tastes like but am assuming 🙁

    • Valerie

      February 18, 2014 at 10:08 am

      I knew exactly what you meant even though I have never tasted snail tears myself. I mean, do snails even cry? I know I would if I were them- trailing around goo everywhere, always being last, having kids burn you with a magnifying glass in the hot sun. Must suck being a snail.
      #snaillife

    • Eve Vawter

      February 18, 2014 at 10:59 am

      New daily hashtag #snaillife

    • Valerie

      February 18, 2014 at 12:01 pm

      For days where you feel like you are leaving a trail of goo and tears everywhere you go.

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      February 18, 2014 at 6:37 pm

      I’ve known children with colds who do this already.

  2. Bethany Ramos

    February 18, 2014 at 8:56 am

    Hahah you lost me at bleaching your lower back hair, but then I had to reread.. 😉

    • Eve Vawter

      February 18, 2014 at 8:58 am

      I clarified just for you #HDY

    • Bethany Ramos

      February 18, 2014 at 9:00 am

      I loved the thought of you having silky, blonde lower back hair. #fanfiction

    • Eve Vawter

      February 18, 2014 at 9:01 am

      which I make you comb #fanfiction

    • Bethany Ramos

      February 18, 2014 at 9:05 am

      Hahahaha

  3. Kelly

    February 18, 2014 at 8:59 am

    LOL I’ve never understood why people put themselves through this hell. I mean, if you feel like you need to “cleanse” why not just eat really healthy foods for a couple of days? Way easier and better for you.

    • Eve Vawter

      February 18, 2014 at 9:01 am

      RIGHT? I am trying to be trendy! all the cool people juice.

    • Kelly

      February 18, 2014 at 9:22 am

      I admit I’ve been tempted by the juicer infomercials now and then. I don’t think I’d stick with it for more than a day though, I like chewing too much.

    • allisonjayne

      February 18, 2014 at 10:53 am

      Masticator.

    • tieduptwisted

      February 18, 2014 at 5:36 pm

      Holy crap! I’m cool?

      Seriously I’m on day 2 of a 5 day juice fast and I cheated by buying coffee while I was out. It was manna of the gods and I have zero shame about it.

    • Harriet Meadow

      February 18, 2014 at 9:47 am

      Yeah, the whole time I was thinking “Why the F*CK would you do that to yourself?” I couldn’t do it. I just love love love food way too much. If I feel the need to lose some weight (which, sadly, at this moment I do), I stop my midnight snacking and beer drinking and kick things up a notch at the gym…But, you know, at least this made for a good story! And I’m glad you felt good afterward!

    • Eve Vawter

      February 18, 2014 at 9:54 am

      Part of the reason why is because I wanted to actually see if I COULD do it

  4. Alex Lee

    February 18, 2014 at 9:14 am

    You used a picture of a baked good…as a weapon.

    I won’t go all sciencey because it’ll just earn me a big, fat, GTFO.

    Just be careful, don’t hurt yourself, and glad you’re feeling a bit better.

    • Eve Vawter

      February 18, 2014 at 9:22 am

      There is nothing sciencey to it. I am just too lazy to eat five pounds of kale, OK?

  5. Véronique Houde

    February 18, 2014 at 9:22 am

    OMG never do that again i love you too much and I don’t want yout o die from liver failure or anything of the sort. Juice cleanses are so horribly bad for you…

    • Eve Vawter

      February 18, 2014 at 9:23 am

      from drinking juice for a day?!

    • Alex Lee

      February 18, 2014 at 9:37 am

      There has to be a reasonable alternative. #vodkacleanse

    • ShanLea

      February 18, 2014 at 10:35 am

      Oh, I would be so down for a vodka cleanse!! True story, I went to make my one after-bedtime cocktail last night, and found my tween drank the last of the diet coke, so I mixed my pomegranate vodka with kombucha. #drunkandhealthy

    • tieduptwisted

      February 18, 2014 at 5:39 pm

      Coconut or vitamin water is also an option. (whistles casually)

    • ShanLea

      February 18, 2014 at 5:51 pm

      Oh my G…I am totally drooling all over myself imagining pom vodka with coconut water…if I didn’t have to go to dumb old spelling bee tonight I would be all over that already!! Dang smart kid cutting into Mom’s drinking time!! Lol

    • tieduptwisted

      February 18, 2014 at 7:28 pm

      Actually if you juice cranberries (or pom seeds) and mix them with coconut water you will have a drunkgasm.

      You’re welcome.

    • ShanLea

      February 18, 2014 at 11:54 pm

      Ooh drunkgasm! I likey! Oh, and just because I have to brag or I will explode…the kiddo won the county spelling bee tonight, so this proud mama is having 2 cocktails!

    • tieduptwisted

      February 19, 2014 at 8:35 am

      That’s excellent! And it’s always nice when our kids achieve things too. (Mine is majoring in under-achieving.)

  6. Kay_Sue

    February 18, 2014 at 9:26 am

    “you can double that because I purchased one for my husband as well so I didn’t have to suffer alone.”

    You pretty much just summed up the entire reason that I got married.

  7. Muggle

    February 18, 2014 at 9:27 am

    This is one of the funniest things I’ve read on Mommyish in a while, but… why? why do people still go on juice cleanses? Doesn’t everyone know how horribly UNhealthy they are?

    • Eve Vawter

      February 18, 2014 at 9:30 am

      I did the math because I’m a nutritionist and decided drinking kale for a day was no worse than my normal diet of diet coke, cupcakes, tequila and leftover mac and cheese I stole from my kids used dinner plates.

    • Kay_Sue

      February 18, 2014 at 9:33 am

      The best mac n cheese is pre-owned. #Truth

    • Kelly

      February 18, 2014 at 9:33 am

      But kale tastes like farts. That’s got to make it worse.

    • Eve Vawter

      February 18, 2014 at 9:35 am

      I LOVE baked kale with olive oil and sea salt and nom nom kale but it’s basically air

    • Megan Zander

      February 18, 2014 at 9:37 am

      How do you keep it from going soggy? I love it when it first comes out but it always gets soggy after an hour so I end up binge eating it all as soon as it comes out of the oven and then I’m burping seaweed for the next three days.

    • Eve Vawter

      February 18, 2014 at 9:38 am

      OH you need a salad spinner, it has to be SUPER DRY. Either buy pre washed kale or else use a spinner or else leave it on the counter for a day on paper towels. I have heard that some people actually blow dry it before baking it!

    • Aldonza

      February 18, 2014 at 4:06 pm

      You make your own? I’ve been wanting to try but weirdly intimidated by it.

    • Eve Vawter

      February 18, 2014 at 4:20 pm

      It’s SO easy trust me. Make sure your kale is BONE DRY. Put a piece of parchment on a cookie tray. Take your dry dry dry kale, toss with a bit of olive oil and spread out in cookie sheet. Sprinkle with sea salt and bake for about ten minutes at 350 – you can check it. It’s so good this way

    • Toaster

      February 18, 2014 at 6:31 pm

      http://allrecipes.com/recipe/baked-kale-chips/

      Even my 3-year old eats them and the only other vegetable he will eat is cucumbers. I sprinkle oregano and garlic on them and salt once they’re cooked.

    • Kevin Miskel

      February 18, 2014 at 10:09 am

      Some nutritionist you are

    • Eve Vawter

      February 18, 2014 at 10:58 am

      does this mean you are doing my nutritionist skills?

  8. Megan Zander

    February 18, 2014 at 9:35 am

    I’ve always wanted to try a juice cleanse, just to see, but I had a coworker that did the cayenne pepper and honey cleanse for a week and by day three snarling was her primary method of communication, so I’m scared. I could get behind tuna water for a day I think. Kinda like a fear factor challenge.

    • Muggle

      February 18, 2014 at 9:37 am

      Going for a day would be fine for most people, but more than that and that when you feel the effects of starvation. Because you’re actually fucking starving and you need real food, not tuna water.

    • Eve Vawter

      February 18, 2014 at 9:40 am

      I think that water pepper lemon things sounds way better than what I drank

    • Megan Zander

      February 18, 2014 at 9:41 am

      It’s what Beyoncé tried a few years ago, and if it’s good enough for Queen Bey…

    • Megan Zander

      February 18, 2014 at 9:42 am

      I know you said it was gross, but I’m still intrigued by the almond water.

    • Eve Vawter

      February 18, 2014 at 9:42 am

      I think it was the color, it was a very pale beige with black flecks which made the whole stink bug comment really throw me off. It was like a mildly spiced brown water.

    • chickadee

      February 18, 2014 at 10:00 am

      Are you talking about the brown marmorated stink bug that crawls on CHAIRS THAT YOU ARE SITTING ON and the WALL RIGHT NEXT TO YOU WHILE YOU ARE ON THE TOILET and also THE CHRISTMAS TREE AND ALL THE PRESENTS? Because THAT stink bug is made of pure evil. I live in a state with none of those, but my aunt lives in PA and we spent Christmas there and I brought one home in a suitcase ewewewewewewewewewew.

    • Eve Vawter

      February 18, 2014 at 10:58 am

      My husband likes to put them in the toilet so they get flushed. alive. But he does;t flush them. So I get to open the toilet lid and see one happily swimming. and yes, those exact stink bugs

    • chickadee

      February 18, 2014 at 11:16 am

      Those things are the worst. And the girls, both usually mature individuals, called for me or another adult to ‘come get the bug!’ Because they are evil.

    • Tea

      February 18, 2014 at 12:22 pm

      I did that a few times back when I was dealing with disordered eating. It makes even the nicest person into a honey badger.

    • elle

      February 18, 2014 at 12:25 pm

      I love master cleanse but it’s true…you do get so mean on the third day.

    • MaebykittyRN

      February 18, 2014 at 2:28 pm

      Oh lord, the Master Cleanse. I tried that. Once. Never again…

  9. Kevin Miskel

    February 18, 2014 at 10:25 am

    Wow, you drank juice for ONE WHOLE DAY. What a martyr you are. I’m guessing you were complaining from sip one, and your husband finally had it with you, leading to your hilarious divorce lawyer joke, har har. I was without a job and had to live on hardtack and water for days at a time. It’s really not that bad. You were able to turn down man and cheese, you’re an inspiration. Websites like this make me understand why misogyny exists, you’re all a bunch of simpletons.

    • Kay_Sue

      February 18, 2014 at 10:45 am

      Imma let you finish, but first:

    • Alex Lee

      February 18, 2014 at 10:54 am

      “man and cheese” is the greatest typo I’ve read today.

    • Maria Guido

      February 18, 2014 at 4:58 pm

      agreed.

    • Eve Vawter

      February 18, 2014 at 10:57 am

      I would never ever turn down man and cheese. What is hardtack? I need to google this.

    • Kay_Sue

      February 18, 2014 at 10:59 am

      According to Master Google, it is “hard dry bread or biscuit, esp. as rations for sailors”.

    • Eve Vawter

      February 18, 2014 at 10:59 am

      so this ragey dude is a sailor?

    • Kay_Sue

      February 18, 2014 at 11:01 am

      I’ve personally decided to picture him as Mitch from Modern Family in his sailor suit after reading this definition, if that helps.

    • Eve Vawter

      February 18, 2014 at 11:01 am

      How bad can he be he has man cheese!

    • Tea

      February 18, 2014 at 12:30 pm

      Man and Cheese is good, Man Cheese is bad, trust me. I know these things.

    • Maria Guido

      February 18, 2014 at 4:57 pm

      WHO would turn down man and cheese?!

    • BrendaKilgour

      February 18, 2014 at 2:39 pm

      “Websites like this make me understand why misogyny exists, you’re all a bunch of simpletons.” — angry hairless guy

      And yet you apparently have nothing better to do than hang out with them.

  10. TwentiSomething Mom

    February 18, 2014 at 11:05 am

    Get a blender! You can add almond milk, plain Greek yogurt, veggies and fruit and it is filling, satisfying and a balanced meal.

  11. Tea

    February 18, 2014 at 12:21 pm

    At first, I thought you were a little wimpy, then I read that it was Annie’s Bunnies and knew your pain and felt terrible for Mac-N-cheese-shaming you, because that stuff (and the little crackers) is made of happiness and possibly a few organic hard drugs to keep you hooked.

    • SA

      February 18, 2014 at 2:35 pm

      It is totally the crack of Mac-N-Cheese.

    • Shea

      February 19, 2014 at 10:14 am

      That’s Crack-n-Cheese to you!

  12. Crusty Socks

    February 18, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    Aren’t juice extracting self defeating?

    You’re missing out on the fibers, which is where a lot of the benefits are.

  13. Rana

    February 18, 2014 at 2:37 pm

    Have you put ginger and lemon in your green juice? I think they make it taste a lot better!

    • Eve Vawter

      February 18, 2014 at 4:17 pm

      Yes they do help!

  14. Maria Guido

    February 18, 2014 at 5:01 pm

    I’m going to make you do another one with me when i’m done with this breastfeeding business.

  15. SusannahJoy

    February 18, 2014 at 11:07 pm

    So the only other person I know of who is named Eve (sorta) is Eva Longoria and your pic looks really cute and sexy/flirty and every time I see that you wrote something like this I”m like “WTF? She’s super hot already!” because yeah, in my mind, you are Eva Longoria.

    Also, did you know it’s national drink wine day or something to that effect?

  16. Sam Inoue

    February 19, 2014 at 12:04 am

    I feel your pain! I tried to do a juice cleanse to lose weight about 9 months ago when my son was born. Ugh, my friend did it with me so I had to keep at it, plus she made the juices so at least it was cheaper. We did it for two weeks and I felt like I was dying. But I did lose 11 pounds which was a bonus.

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