7 Ways To Hack Your Kids To Make Your Life Easier
Children these days are almost completely useless–they just drain all your money and resources while defecating on everything in sight and occasionally say horrifying things while you’re at the store like “Mommy how come you get to drink your favorite wine drink in the morning but I can’t have chocolate milk until dinner?” Useless. They make your lives stress ridden, exhausting, feces covered, and all about them, because they’re also remarkably selfish little dickwads. This is really just no way to live.
If you feel that your children have taken over your life, you are probably missing out on the multitudes of ways that children can be hacked to make your life much easier. In fact, a child can be a great boon for a person hoping to live life more efficiently, if you simply use any of these easy and foolproof life hacks. Let’s start living better.
1. Convince them that vacuuming is a fun game.
What you really must understand about children (and as a non-parent, please, let me explain how kids work) is that kids are stupid idiots. If you tell a toddler that you’re an alien from outer space, he or she will believe you. Dumbasses. Try rewarding your dumb children with vacuuming, dusting, and pillow fluffing as a fun game. While your toddler vacuums, you can close your eyes for five minutes and remember what your life as like before a two-foot terrorist came in and took over.
2. Teach your children to haggle on your behalf.
Haggling can be quite difficult even for adults, who occasionally become tripped up by wanting to appear polite and friendly. Haggling requires a stubbornness and unwavering commitment to not paying what has been asked of you that some find distasteful, and it can be challenging to hold your ground. Toddlers are the perfect resource for this, considering they basically only know the word “No” and have no social graces. Your toddler will be able to negotiate down the price of almost anything for you, so get ready for that little shit bag to pay for itself.
3. Use your kids as an excuse for anything.
Here’s a lifehack that you’ve almost certainly already figured out–your children are an excuse for anything. Don’t feel like going to work? An ear infection strikes! Your friend wants you to be a bridesmaid? Whoops, sorry, I have a kid. The beauty of having a child is that it means you are no longer to do anything or live up to any social standards that we call normal human decency–promptness, bringing a bottle of wine to dinner, or remembering birthdays all go out the window because you can just blame it on your kid. Lean into this.
4. Make them into a purse à la Lucille Bluth.
Happily, cargo pants seems to have all been burned in a mass bonfire where we threw in our culture’s collective mistakes (along with bleached, spiky hair and the 90s swing revival), but something you should really consider is buying clothing with as many pockets as possible for your spawn. I don’t know about you, but my back really starts to tighten up after carrying my enormous purse all day, so having a small mini person to act as my Sherpa seems like the best possible option. Take your cue from parenting hero Lucille Bluth and make your child into a purse. He’s much more useful that way.
5. Have your kid act as your food taster.
Look, nobody is going to poison you or anything (note: if you are royalty and have had multiple assassination attempts, maybe don’t do this. I don’t know. Your call, your highness), so I’m not suggesting you put your child in danger. But, you might be a picky eater who doesn’t like cilantro or chocolate like some kind of monster, so get your kid in there first to see if any offending flavors are hidden in your meal. How many times did you put a hot bottle of milk on your wrist to test it out for your kid? This seems like the least he or she can do.
6. Train him or her to score multiple free samples at Costco.
While you’re loading up on six thousand rolls of toilet paper and an advil jar you could feasibly use as a home, dispatch the little one to scoop up all the samples in sight. No one is going to yell at your kid for taking multiples (and if they do, they look like the jerk, despite you and your kid being the real assholes), and you get to stand back and do the shopping while your child delivers mini hot dogs and spanakopita squares right into your mouth.
7. Use them to appear less creepy at kids movies.
A very dear cousin of mine called me up once and said that he wanted to go see Toy Story 3, but thought someone might call the police if a 50-year-old man went by himself, and as such was dispatching my boyfriend and I to accompany him since it would be more kosher to have kids with him. Unfortunately, we were in our twenties and not 5, but we all really enjoyed the movie. On a similar note, when my friends and I got drunk and went to see the Katy Perry movie at midnight on the night it came out (again, in our twenties, super normal), we all remarked that it would have been great if we had just had one preteen with us, instead of being there alone. However, I will note that the movie was awesome, and I have no regrets. I wonder how many movies I’m missing because they are for children only, and I didn’t want to be the lone adult at the Frozen screening. This is where I really could have used a child.