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10 Lies I Have Told Other Moms About Parenting

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lies moms sayI like to think I’m a honest person. I usually tell it like it is and I’m pretty blunt, so I don’t have an issue with telling people the truth. But I have noticed that throughout the years I have a tendency to say things that aren’t completely true. And it isn’t like these little fibs are going to hurt anyone or cause irreparable damage, but when I add them all up I think it’s pretty safe to say that my pants are indeed, on fire. I think I am coming from a good place when I say these things, I either want to make other moms – or myself- feel better or reassure them about the trials and tribulations of parenthood, but just for the record, none of these things I have ever said are true.

They Will Grow Out Of It 

I have NO idea that your kid will grow out of anything! You say they are picking their nose and rubbing it on your walls and I say :

Meh, they will grow out of it. 

I have NO idea if they will grow out of it! Maybe they will grow to be a creepy adult person who does this and they will never find a job or a partner and they will forever live in your basement and wallpaper your walls with their bodily creepiness and fill your DVR up with recordings of Wrestlmania reruns. I have no idea.

 Your Baby Is Beautiful 

I usually reserve this one when confronted with a creepy looking baby who resembles an underweight spider monkey. In reality, your baby is not beautiful. It won’t be beautiful for a few more weeks after its pointy little head starts forming into a normal shape and it loses all those white pimply milia thingies. Sorry, your baby is so not beautiful.

Having Two Kids is Not That Much Different Than Having One

I have NO idea why I say this. Of course it is different! Just take one kid and having to change their diapers and deal with teething and sleep issues and double the mess. I think what I mean to say is “It’s not that different, now you’re just doubly fucked.”

 Breastfeeding Isn’t So Hard 

Hahahaha! Yeah, right! No, it isn’t so hard when you have done it with a few different kids and you sort of realize how hard it can be. Breastfeeding takes practice and a ton of patience and access to a mess of other women who have done it so you can get advice. And with all of that, it still may not work out.

 All Kids Really Need Is Love 

I have no idea why I spout this sort of Hallmark-ian bullshit, but it’s a total lie. Yeah, kids need love and a whole mess of other stuff that costs a bunch of money including 89 dollar Lego sets and 200 dollar sneakers when they are in high school. Love, haha, that’s funny.

Stretch Marks Will Fade

They may fade a teensy tiny bit, but once you get ’em, you got ’em. When I say your partner doesn’t care about the fact you have stretch marks, this part is true because they just want oral sex anyway. Oral sex oral sex oral sex.

 My Kid Never Did That 

I think we can all admit to uttering this one, especially if the act the kid in question is doing is something unpleasant. I’m not sure if we all have a little bit of sanctimommy in us or what, but there have been times when some poor mom I know will admit her kid is doing something obnoxious or yucky and I have replied “Oh, my kid never did that” when in reality I went through the same damn thing with my own damn kid. Chances are, no matter how you hold your pinkie when sipping your afternoon tea, your toddler went through a phase where they found burping really, really funny.

 I Don’t Let My Kids Watch That Much TV 

OK, so I want to be one of those moms who doesn’t let their kids watch a lot of TV. The reality is? My kids watch too much damn TV, which is why my daughter can almost recite the entire commercial for Cuddleuppets by heart.

My Kid Did That Too 

The opposite of “My kid never did that” is when you have a group of moms together and someone mentions when their kid started walking or talking or reading or some other developmental milestone and I have, on occasion, chimed in about how my own kid did that. But earlier. Or better. When in reality I think my kids sort of did everything at the age of what the parenting books said they should be expected to. We all want our kids to be some sort of special snowflake, when the truth is all of our kids sort of suck equally.

It’s No Problem  

Have your kid over for a sleepover when I’m just getting over the flu? It’s no problem! Carpool even though I was planning on running errands after? No problem! Spend my day off babysitting your newborn so you can get your hair did? No problem. Love to! I have maybe one mom friend (Hi MiMi!) who I can be totally honest with, but the majority of them I just smile and agree to do whatever they are asking.  And the thing is, I’m willing to do all sorts of stuff for other moms but yeah, it’s a problem, and annoying, and an inconvenience and often a pain in the ass. I will happily do it, you will never know I’m a titch annoyed by doing it, but the next time you ask me for something? There better be a decent bottle of wine involved.

(Image: D Roberts)

23 Comments

  1. Lee

    August 19, 2013 at 10:12 am

    How about it gets better. What I should say is it gets better, and then worse, and then better again.

    • Emmali Lucia

      August 19, 2013 at 12:11 pm

      But isn’t that life? I mean, the one specific problem gets a little better, then another problem comes along and knocks it clear out of the water

    • SusannahJoy

      August 19, 2013 at 2:24 pm

      Everyone keeps telling us (me and my husband) the opposite. If we ever complain about anything about the baby everyone says “oh man! Just wait until they’re older! This is the super easy happy fun time!” and it makes us feel all punchy. My baby used to sleep through the night. Now he’s up every hour, and seriously screamed from 10am to 4 pm yesterday. Then he took a nap. Then he screamed some more. That is not a super easy happy fun time.

    • Ashley Austrew

      August 19, 2013 at 3:54 pm

      That sleep regression and screaming thing really does end at some point, I promise. It gets better, but then something else gets harder. And, then that gets better and something else goes off the rails. There is no super easy happy fun time. But, there are like super easy happy fun moments, and those moments eventually start to increase in frequency. Hang in there!

  2. LET

    August 19, 2013 at 10:23 am

    I feel like the “it’s no problem” lie has been ruining my life. Being a SAHM, I get asked mommy favors all the time. I like helping out my mommy friends, but it’s generally at least a moderate inconvenience. I figure I’m at least saving up favor points that I can cash in at a later date.

    • chickadee

      August 19, 2013 at 12:07 pm

      You should incorporate some ‘it’s kind of a problem’ facial expressions into your answer, because otherwise those mothers might let themselves off the hook. Actually, have a list of favors handy for when they ask one of you. It’s hard to say no to a reasonable request when you’ve just asked a SAHM to do one for you.

  3. ElleJai

    August 19, 2013 at 10:40 am

    Completely irrelevant to this article:

    Eve, WHAT HAVE YOU GOTTEN ME INTO?!

    I have literally just finished watching the first episode of OITNB and I’m equal parts fascinated and horrified… and not entirely sure that I too shouldn’t be hyperventilating!!! This was your idea! And to make it worse it’s past midnight here and I should be asleep…

    • Eve Vawter

      August 19, 2013 at 11:03 am

      YES! This makes me toooo happy

    • Rachel Sea

      August 19, 2013 at 1:08 pm

      I am so in love with that show. I. Can’t. Even.

      Aside from all the obvious reasons to love it, I adore that the cast isn’t made up of cookie-cutter, Hollywood, actresses. Most of them just look like normal people. Love it.

    • Eve Vawter

      August 19, 2013 at 1:18 pm

      SO good. It is srsly the best

  4. Jane

    August 19, 2013 at 11:27 am

    Unrelated, but what is that two-masked-dudes-molesting-pretty-lady gif from?

    • Eve Vawter

      August 19, 2013 at 11:32 am

      That is Dita and I found on tumblr so I posted it just for you because you are a dirty little minx

  5. LadyClodia

    August 19, 2013 at 11:28 am

    I’ve said the two kids isn’t much different than one lie, and I heard it often before we had our second. And I’ve definitely lied to someone about having a cute baby. Especially after they’ve complimented my very cute baby.
    I usually keep my mouth shut about how much TV my boys watch because I don’t want to have to lie. They watch way too much TV. I did too when I was little. I learned everything from Sesame Street and I had imaginary friends from He-Man, and I seemed to have turned out OK. (That might be debatable.)

  6. chickadee

    August 19, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    (removed bc it was a misplaced response)

  7. Pumplestilskin

    August 19, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    Funny story I have about the tv one. When I was a Sr. in high school my global Studies teacher was trying to convince some of my class that they actually did have time to do their homework the night before (over half the class hadn’t completed it). He polled the class on how much tv we watched the night before. We all said none or 30 mins, at most an hour. He got to my cousin, who said 4 hours. The teacher asked him what he thought of the rest of us saying we had watched so little. He said “I think they’re liars” So now anytime certain people in my life tell me that they limit their kids screen time I hear my cousins moody teen-aged self saying “I think they’re liars”.

    • Pumplestilskin

      August 19, 2013 at 12:28 pm

      To tell you my views on screen time. Mine don’t watch much at this time of year. Today however, they have watched 5 hours and I have no desire to tell them to do something else. We have had family in from out of town, they were up way late all of last week and today is a blah day.

  8. EmmaFromÉire

    August 19, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    Oh my god the one about kids being cute. I’m starting to think i’m a horrible person, because i saw a baby today and for the life of me couldn’t understand why everyone in the shop was saying it was ‘so unbelievably adorable”. Kid looked like an overgrown squishy tomato. Maybe i’m just destined to have fur babies!

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      August 19, 2013 at 5:43 pm

      I hear ya. It’s good for humanity that I’m in the minority on this, but I don’t think ANY babies or toddlers are cute. If I know I’ll be at a family gathering where there will be a few present, I’ll rehearse saying, “Oh, how adorable!” in the mirror before the event. What invariably ends up happening at crunch time is that I’ll fixate on the snot, drool, or diaper-smell, recoil, and feel my carefully rehearsed words fall by the wayside in favor of, “Uhhh…I’m just getting over the flu. I really shouldn’t take too close a look!” before hastily excusing myself to get a drink.

  9. CrushLily

    August 19, 2013 at 7:08 pm

    Newborns are almost always squishy, alien-like and not cute (to me) – including my own. If cuteness is going to happen, I think it appears around the three month mark. If it hasn’t happened by then, then I say, ‘he/she’s very sweet’. I find it covers the bases quite nicely without me having to lie.

  10. Mette

    August 20, 2013 at 3:57 am

    I sometimes do the opposite. When people complain about their kids’ bad sleep or being late at crawling, talking or whatever, I tell them that my kid was the worst sleeper EVER or that I thought he was never going to crawl or talk (now he talks nonstop), just to make them feel better 🙂
    I guess I’m not good at bragging, because when people say “my child is doing this or that now”, I just think to myself “good for you, my kid’s been doing that for ages!”.

  11. Emilyhawk

    August 21, 2013 at 1:37 am

    I can’t stand the “My kid di that too” comments. My child is meeting his milestones. He is walking at 14 months. i met a mom the ither day who bragged that her daughter walked at 9 months. Is there really some pride in having a baby who walks at 9 months? I felt sorry for her, that sounds like a nightmare! Why oh why must mothers constantly try to one up each other through their children?

  12. Kate

    August 21, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    I have an older brother that is the “black sheep” of the family, in that he really hasn’t “grown up” despite being in his 30’s. My mom LOVES to point out anything that my kids do that my brother used to do, along with the phrase, “Oh my GAWD! You have a [brother’s name]!” I can’t tell if it’s just misery wanting company or what, but it almost feels like a curse… LOL.

    And how is this relevant? Not entirely sure… Probably the part where you talked about “my kid did that”.

    • Guest

      August 21, 2013 at 1:02 pm

      And how is this relevant? Not entirely sure… Probably the part where you talked about “my kid did that”.

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