8 Lies My Kids Told Me Recently
Kids are terrible liars. I mean, just awful. It’s like when you play hide and seek with a child and they hide by curling up into a ball in the middle of the room. It’s just sad. I know that one day soon I’ll miss the days when their lies were obvious, but for now let me share some of their pathetic attempts at trickery.
1. I did brush my teeth.
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Only if you used toothpaste made from dog shit, kid. Get back there and brush your teeth.
2. I am wearing shoes.
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You know I can see you, right? I’m looking at your bare feet right this moment. You see how my eyes are pointed at your feet and how there aren’t any shoes on them?
3. Dad said we could have ice cream before dinner.
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Huh. Is that your new dad? Because your old dad, the one I knew, would never have said that. But if new dad said it’s okay, then I guess it’s okay! Derp dee derp dee derp.
4. I was just about to do that.
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Man, I really need to stop reminding you to do things; every single time I do, it’s just before you were about to do it all by yourself. What an amazing coincidence of utter and complete bullshit.
5. My teacher said it didn’t have to be exactly twenty minutes of reading.
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You mean, right here on the directions where it says, in bold, “at least twenty minutes”? That’s a lie? How strange that a grown up would lie to children like that. You should talk to her.
6. I don’t like cheese.
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I’m sorry,have we met? I’m your mother. The woman who has seen you order a cheeseburger and eat only the cheese. I don’t know if there’s a vegetable in there or maybe a flake of parsley, but I am going to get to the bottom of this lie.
7. You made a rule that we could have three popsicles a day.
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I did? Really? What a bizarre and arbitrary rule I made! But you would know better than I would. Let’s go have some popsicles.
8. I am looking for a birthday gift for my friend.
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Oh of course you are, pumpkin. That’s why we’ve been in the toy aisle at Target for 45 minutes. This must be a really difficult decision for you. At least you’re making sure all the buttons work and everything. Well, I’ll just have a seat in the corner over here and let you get back to it!
