Sorry Kuddle, But There’s No Such Thing As A ‘Safe’ Photo Sharing App For Little Kids

Have you ever wished that there was an app out there for your kids that was a little less educational and a little more narcissistic? Well then you, internet rando, are in luck, because there is no a bonafide social network app for little kids to share pictures on, an idea that couldn’t possible go wrong ever at all: Kuddle, the photo sharing app that boasts; “all ages allowed”.

[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=db2xLRdy4Jc]

The website is an absolute dream come true for people like me who are jaded and crotchety and love to mock everything. It describes the app:

Kuddle is an innovative photo sharing social media app designed for kids of all ages. Kuddle aims to create a fun and safer digital environment where children can learn about and explore the ever expanding world of social media. Our focus is to enhance knowledge about responsible digital sharing by combining elements of education and entertainment. In essence: EDUTAINMENT.

Hear that, parents? It’s edutaintional, a word I could barely type out without laughing because it has taint right there in the middle. So that’s the basic gist of Kuddle, which answers the important “what hast thou wrought?” question, but not the “WHY?” question. Don’t worry, they’ve got you covered:

:A clear pattern indicates that children and teenagers want to be on social media ”” and they are not taking ”no” for an answer. With the dawn of the Social Media Age, it is up to us to adapt.”

This is…hilarious. Think of all the problems we could solve as parents if we just took that tack: “Well, my kid really wants to eat this hunk of dryer lint, and she doesn’t appear to be taking “no” for an answer. Hmm…what to do?”

Of course, there’s a number of safety features in place to keep kids on their best behavior, and they have to learn “netiquette” in keeping with the company’s inexplicable need to merge two words into a new word:

• A default friend is immediately added to a User’s account (see Kodi Kuddle).

• Before a User can share a photo, they receive a set of educational control questions that they have to answer.

• It is possible to write captions on photos intended for sharing.

• It is not possible to comment on photos shared by others which we hope will contribute to the prevention of cyber-bullying.

• It is not possible to tag other Users.

• Anonymous ”likes” we at Kuddle hope it will prevent the emergence of social pressures such as popularity contests and bullying, but rather increase the possibilities of creativity and appreciation for content, regardless of who shared it.

• ”Friends” that have already been accepted cannot be deleted by the User; this has been put into effect to eliminate the exclusion of any one particular User; only parents/caregivers can delete a User’s ”friends.”

• It is not possible to see other Users’ content without being accepted as a ”friend” first (fixed default privacy setting).

• Users cannot be located due to the disabling of the ”geo-location” function.

• Full names are visible on all accounts the sharing of inappropriate content will have direct consequences for Users; they will not be able to hide behind a ”username,” which will therefore promote a greater sense of responsibility.

One of the “educational control questions” is DO YOU AGREE THAT BULLYING ONLINE IS JUST AS BAD AS BULLYING IN REAL LIFE? because that is a foolproof way to keep  people from being dicks to the kids on there that are easily identified by their full names. I believe that cinnamon buns have way more carbs than I should eat in the morning, but I’m enjoying one of those doughy bastards right now.

I’m sorry, but this is such a terrible idea. At the risk of sounding all crotchety, why the hell do we need more ways for our kids to be online and plugged in all of the damn time? Here’s some other issues with it: I’m not giving my kid my very expensive phone to run around taking pictures with, and because you can draw on the photos, I foresee a whole lot of dicks in this app’s future.

With that said, I’m sure my kid would love this. I waited to show my husband the video until she went to school for precisely that reason. However, I don’t give my kid everything she wants just because it would be fun for her. This is why we don’t have ice cream and gummy worm tacos for dinner every night.

I’ll probably download it anyway, but just so I can watch Kodi Kuddle‘s world burn. My kid won’t be using it, because I don’t like for people to have fun in my house. I do wish the mods a lot of luck, though, they’ll be scrubbing more balls from their network than a golf course ball washer.

(Image: Kuddle)