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Childrearing

10 Foods We Claim To Buy For Our Kids, But Secretly Binge On After They Go To Sleep

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Eve Vawter wrote a hilarious piece today about how much better moms have it than the childfree by choice, which made me realize two things. One – many, many people do not understand sarcasm, and two – moms totally hoard their kid’s snack foods.

I was hoping I wasn’t the only one who binged on Goldfish crackers after her kid went to bed. The comments section of the aforementioned article soothed me. I thought I was the only one who comfortably stocked my shopping cart with ridiculous foods, using my three-year old as my shopping list beard. Here are some things we “buy for our kids.” Wink, wink.

1. Goldfish crackers.

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Do you know what it’s like to have a three-year-old look at you with longing eyes and say, Goldfish please? and then realize you can’t give him any because you polished them off with a few glasses of wine the night before? Me neither.

2. Gerber baby puffs

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You won’t buy yourself a bag of Cheetos because you care about your health, thank you very much. You will buy Gerber puffs for your baby and pretend that you don’t eat them, though. They’re four times as expensive – but whatever helps you sleep at night.

3. Pirate Booty

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No self-respecting adult buys food with the word “Booty” in it. Thank you kids once again for being our snack-food beards.

4. Fruit Snacks

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There’s nothing quite like relaxing after a long afternoon and diving into some Jake and the Pirates-shaped gummy foods. I have no self respect left.

5. Teddy Grahams

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My kid doesn’t even like these. We’ll be in the cracker aisle at the supermarket and I’ll say, Oh look honey! Teddy Grahams! And he says, Nope! And then I give him the side-eye and shove them in the cart.

6. Those little snack cups of mini foods like Oreos and Nutter Butters

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Adults are not meant to eat food made into miniature form. But we do. Oh, we do.

7. Pudding cups

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Crumble some Teddy Grahams on it and top it with some whipped cream. If your kid saw how much better your snacks were prepared he’d cry.

8. Annie’s Mac N’ Cheese

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Shells, tubes, bunnies – I don’t care. Throw some red chili pepper flakes on it and it’s a legitimate adult thing.

9. Animal Crackers

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They are so cute aren’t they! I still eat the head first, and I’m forty. They will not survive long in my house.

10. Mini Ice Cream Cones

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The Blue Bell ones are awesome. I only let my three-year old eat these if I feel like mopping the whole house. Still, they manage to disappear.

(photo: Sergey Peterman/ Shutterstock)

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