My Sweet Public Library: A Love Letter

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kids at the library

Dear Library,

Hey baby, ‘sup? I see you over there, all drab and ’60’s cinderblock on the outside, all creosote and xeriscaping, just waiting for someone to fill your lots and open your doors.

I’ll do it.

I know that inside there are wonders to behold. Only you, oh queen of that little tract of land behind the old Arby’s and next to the county annex building possess within yourself the entire collection of Bill Nye The Science Guy DVDs, untouched by today’s apathetic youth. It is true, sweet library mine, that youth is squandered on those who would sneak into your computer cubicles to search “hot girl boobs” on your hallowed CRT screens.

Only you have entire Norton’s Anthologies clasped to your careworn stacks, right next to the prints available for educational rentals. Why, oh empress of the learned, do they always choose Thomas Kincaides and leave the Klimts untouched?

I don’t know, I don’t know!

Let me soothe you by checking out entire stacks of Goosebumps books for my daughter. Let me provide some comfort to you within these very corrugated walls by pretending that I will actually read this copy of The Sound And The Fury while waiting for that bitch two stacks over to turn her back on your only copy of Gone Girl for two seconds. Two goddamn seconds is all I need, library! And then we can be together all afternoon while I shirk my maternal duties to hide out in the periodicals on the bean bag chair.

“What is microfilm?” that woman with enormous hair and bejeweled Ed Hardy shirt is asking the exhausted looking librarian. Do you want me to defend your honor, library? Shall I punch her right in the bouffant? I would do it, for you.

Only for you.

For only you provide me with all I need as a human and mother; you have been there all along. First there were the story times, grandiose affairs with heartily sung rounds of “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” and enthusiastic readings of The Very Grouchy Ladybug. Then, the summer reading program. One day, perhaps, the Central Texas Young Adult Enthusiasts of Anime and Manga club. Only time will tell what the future holds. Will I ever join the senior’s E.L. James Inspired Erotica Reading Group?

Fuck no, but that doesn’t mean I love you less.

Yes, library, you are a many-splendored thing; a beautiful, wondrous thing, my oasis in a cultural dessert. And don’t listen to them, library! Your splendor is not at all diminished by that man in study cubicle 4B, masturbating furiously to furry porn. To him we say, fie and shame on you, and head straight for the magical realism of Vikram Seth and Isabal Allende, hoping to escape into a different reality, one in which no longer can be heard the sounds of his frenetic “yiffing”.

You have it all, library.

From your gross water fountains to your stained carpet in the Kiddie’s Korner, to your grumpy circulation desk librarian and neglected reference stacks, there is nothing that can tear me from your loving embrace, not even the promise of .99 Kindle sales. I am yours, and you are mine.

Yours in Fondness Forever,

(Image: Photobank gallery/Shutterstock)


  1. Liz

    July 22, 2014 at 1:58 pm

    I was an English major…can you tell?

    • Liz

      July 22, 2014 at 2:05 pm

      Maybe the pic will post this time?

  2. LadyClodia the Modest Rat

    July 22, 2014 at 2:18 pm

    Very funny!
    The public library was like my second home when I was in high school, but since then, I’ve only been in one a handful of times, and I’ve never been to the one here even though we’ve lived here 3 years now. I guess I just never think about it.
    And thanks for the mental image of a dude jacking-off to furry porn at the library. 😛

    • Spongeworthy

      July 22, 2014 at 2:38 pm

      Apparently for libraries it’s been a huge problem that people come in and use the computers to look at porn. I had no idea but I read a post a few years ago with some librarians contributing, and they ALL had stories of people watching porn. What is wrong with people?? Don’t sully the good name of the library.

    • LadyClodia the Modest Rat

      July 22, 2014 at 3:24 pm

      It’s so creepy to think that people have no problem doing that in public.

    • Whatwhatque

      July 23, 2014 at 12:19 pm

      Luckily, at the library where I work the public PC’s are filtered but personal laptops, it’s fair game! Certainly, part of the thrill is viewing it in public (especially since no one I’ve caught is actually exposing/pleasuring themselves.) I’m all for everyone getting their freak on, just do not involve me (or other patrons) against our will! Then of course there is the borderline cases where someone is like looking at a Tumblr of just butts, with tiny thongs on, but it’s not graphic sex, just butts. Is that bad taste or porn? Sometimes I don’t know anymore!

  3. Wicked Prophet Kay Sue

    July 22, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    This may make me a terrible mother, but I make 95% of my library trips solo now. The peace and quiet…I can’t beat it.

    I do take the boys every two weeks, but in between there, I may go four or five times by myself. Sometimes I don’t even check anything out…I just sit in the quiet and read. 😉

  4. Cindy Ailey

    July 22, 2014 at 4:46 pm

    The library in Dover, DE is a new building and the children’s section is amazing. Toys, puzzles, little tiny chairs and, of course, books! We go there just to get out of the house sometimes. The toddler and preschool story times are great and always lots of fun. The library has kept me sane as a mother.

  5. ChickenKira

    July 22, 2014 at 5:00 pm

    As a children’s librarian, I love that so many years later you appreciate the mind-numbing renditions of the spider song that slowly drive us insane.

  6. FreyaJeni

    July 23, 2014 at 10:28 am

    One of the freakiest things I’ve seen is shemale porn. I don’t know why I clicked on it! I think I get turned on by things that are waaay out of my comfort zone—the forbidden. =-=-====>>>

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