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Woman Calls The Childfree By Choice ‘Liars And Fools’ In Absurd Rant About Her Barren Uterus

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shutterstock_118950538__1375962587_74.134.205.46U.K. journalist Kate Spicer has written a screed in the (where else) Daily Mail all about how not having children makes her feel “unnatural and sad.” At age 44, her doctor has told her that her chances of getting pregnant naturally were “slim to zero” and that there was a very slim chance IVF would work due to her medical history and her age. But before she gets to all that, Spicer needs to humblebrag about how difficult it is being childless. From The Daily Mail:

Take this week: I spent a few days on a friend’s sailing boat in Italy, sun-bathing, drinking rose, talking, laughing and dancing until dawn.

Back at home after my break, I slept for hours, ate breakfast in bed, and stayed there reading until well after lunchtime. I couldn’t be bothered to cook, so I went out for a Thai meal, bumped into a friend, went to the cinema and then out for drinks.

I will give you readers a moment to collect yourselves and wipe the tears from your eyes that have surely collected there from reading about Katie’s amazingly difficult life being childfree.

Earlier this week, a broadsheet newspaper ran a triumphalist piece by a 42-year-old who claimed she was wilfully and joyfully childfree.  The writer was one of a growing number of women, she claimed, who believe having it all means not having a baby. I call them the Motherhood Deniers.

Statistics do not reveal whether the 43 per cent of educated women who are child-free are so by choice or by circumstance, but I believe the Motherhood Deniers, waving the flag for the childless life, remain in the minority. Admittedly a far more confident, glamorous, and witty minority than they once were, but a minority nonetheless.

For the rest of us, childlessness is a source of sadness and regret. Most of those 43 per cent will have gone through fertility hell, or never met the right guy, or left it too late, or have any number of unhappy stories.

A whole other mess of blah blah blah goes on, and I really get the feeling Spicer’s main regret in not having children is that there will be “no one to wipe her bottom in 40 year’s time” but she also says stuff like this:

I have never met a woman who regretted having children. She surely exists, but not in my experience. I have met, however, older people who lament never having kids, for whatever reason, and I suspect some of the noisy Motherhood Deniers will eventually join their number.

 

I need to preface what I say next by telling you all that I love my children. I love them with a love that is ferocious and all consuming and I have never regretted having them. If I could do it all over again and birth the exact same people who are asleep in my house at this very moment than I would do it again in a heartbeat. But if I were currently childless and my own children never existed and I was making the decision about whether or not to have kids in the first place? OH HELL NO. I would not. I love my children because I know my children, but I also feel that those people who are childless by choice know exactly what the hell they are doing and why they are doing it.

I find articles like Katie’s so offensive because it makes it seem like childless people, especially women, are totally ignorant and selfish, no, it makes it seem exactly as what Spicer calls it, a “motherhood denier.” It’s amazingly unfair to people, to women especially to accuse them of making an important life decision because they are in “denial” about what having children means or is like. I don’t agree with that. I think people who choose to be childless do so for very specific reasons, and well-thought out reasons, and it’s not a decision they take lightly.

Children do not complete you. They are not an insurance policy against parents growing old and ending up alone. There is no guarantee that having children will make your life better. And having kids for these reasons is beyond selfish and ignorant. We are LUCKY if our kids turn out okay. If they visit us on holidays. if they grow up to be good people who contribute things to the world and remember to call us on our birthdays and we have a relationship with them when they grow to be our age. But there is no guarantee.

Saying that people who are childfree are “deniers” is just as stupid as saying people who have children are “deniers” and all this does is invalidate women and their choices and creates a greater divide between people when people should be allowed to make their own decisions and be respected for them. My decision to have children and become a mother doesn’t make me “greater than” any women who doesn’t. All it means is that I wanted kids so I got pregnant and decided to keep my children. I love them beyond sense and logic but when I read about why people decide to be childfree, I can find no argument against it. I decided to have children. Some people do not. Nothing is wrong with either choice.

(Image: Aleshyn_Andrei/shutterstock)

59 Comments

  1. Elizabeth Wakefield

    August 8, 2013 at 9:14 am

    It sounds like this woman is very upset about her own childlessness and is therefore projecting her own feelings onto those around her.

    I have found in my own life that those people who are always touting how AMAZING and FABULOUS their life is, are actually the people who are most insecure with their choices and position in life. The phrase “thou doth protest too much” comes to mind.

    But I’m not going to engage in her “us versus them” mentality. I made my decision to have a child and so far, it’s worked out pretty well. All I want is for other people to be content with the decisions they’ve made in their own lives.

    • Frances Locke

      August 8, 2013 at 11:02 am

      I see your point. I think that it’s natural to have regrets (even if they’re mild) and people who say they have none, and their life is AWESOME and perfect are usually full of it.

    • Gangle

      August 9, 2013 at 4:27 am

      I kind of feel for this woman. I most certainly do not agree with all, or indeed any of her statements, but I do feel sorry for her. She sounds hurt and bitter, and if you are childless not by choice, there is a whole lot of bitter you go through.
      I do have to say though, as someone who is childless through infertility, I have had so many people – mainly parents – who have tried to make me feel really guilty for my ability to drop everything and go on a fancy holiday, or have facials, buy impractical and expensive shoes, and have a bunch of time to go to the gym, out for dinner etc and basically my ability to lead a ‘carefree’ lifestyle. But dammit, I paid a very very high price for the way I live. I would swap it for a family any day. I don’t expect anyone to feel pity for me, but I won’t be made to feel guilty either.

    • Horrid Baby Names

      April 23, 2014 at 1:54 pm

      childFREE by choice. I wish people would get the term right.

    • Gangle

      April 24, 2014 at 3:54 am

      Yes, I understand the difference. I wasn’t talking about you. I was talking about the author of the magazine.

  2. Amber

    August 8, 2013 at 9:20 am

    I’d feel sorry for her if she wasn’t such a condescending, narrow minded bitch.

    I’d like to educate her on the fact that many women regret having children. You see them on the news sometimes in orange jumpsuits after they drowned their children in toilets or allowed their boyfriend to rape them to death.

    Child abuse happens ever goddamn day. If killing a child because you can’t stand being it’s mother isn’t a clear example of regret to this woman, she’s just a goddamn moron.

    • Frances Locke

      August 8, 2013 at 10:59 am

      “I’d feel sorry for her if she wasn’t such a condescending, narrow minded bitch.”

      Totally. You said it better than I was going to! I usually feel for women who can’t conceive, but I kinda feel like it might be a blessing for this woman (or at least for her potential kids).

      I see your point on child abuse, but one could argue that a lot of the women who kill their kids have severe (and sometimes undiagnosed) mental illnesses. Andrea Yates comes to mind, her husband new for years that she was unbalanced and yet did nothing. I also think you can regret having kids and not get violent with the ones you have. One of my good friends has 5 kids and she isn’t even 30 yet. She has said on more than one occasion that she loves her kids but wouldn’t make the same choices. She is also only raising two of them, the other three are with her ex.

    • Amber

      August 8, 2013 at 3:17 pm

      I’m willing to bet that mentally ill people who murder their children and then begin to recover with treatment regret becoming mothers since they obviously couldn’t handle it.

      I also know from personal experience that plenty of child abusers are not mentally ill “victims” who deserve pity, they’re simply evil.

    • Frances Locke

      August 8, 2013 at 3:58 pm

      Don’t get me wrong, I think there is a huge difference between Andrea Yates and someone like Susan Smith who was obviously pure evil. The difference being that Yates had a history of mental illness struggles and a husband who had little interest in her well being or getting her the proper treatment. Smith just wanted her boyfriend to come back to her.

      I was trying to make the point that you can regret having kids and not abuse the ones you have. Heck, you can regret having them ad still love your kids and not want to change anything.

    • JennyWren

      August 8, 2013 at 3:36 pm

      I think it’s a mistake to imply that child abuse/murder is just what happens when women regret having children. It’s not an inevitable outcome at all.
      I think you have to take into account that there’s a tremendous pressure on mothers to constantly acclaim motherhood and childrearing as these marvelous, life-affirming experiences. Which of course they frequenty, even typically, are. But it’s just not widely acceptable for a mother to admit she wishes she could do over or re-make her choise; it’s too widely interpreted as meaning she doesn’t love her kids or care about them.

      The thing is that certain life decisions mean certain opportunities get shut down, and for the vast majority of women motherhood will end up restricting their choices in a fairly dramatic way. It’s only natural to occasionally think, when your two year-old is screaming repeatedly in your ear or when you have poo in your hair and vomit between your toes, that you might have been happier back-packing around Europe instead. But statistically very few women who feel these restrictions end up putting a bag over their kid’s head. Just like very few childless women end up stealing babies. The chances are that plenty of the women Spicer has met regret having kids, either now and then or just out of a vague wish for opportunities untaken. They just don’t voice it very frequently because at the end of the day it’s a bit futile to constantly dwell on the consequences of freely-made choices, especially if most of the time you feel just fine about it.

    • STB

      May 21, 2014 at 7:05 pm

      I’ve seen plenty of women openly express regret for having kids – they just do it online, anonymously, because they aren’t idiots and as such know that it’s not in a child’s best interest to find out that their parents regret having them. This woman could easily see a lot of counterpoints to her own arguments if she cared to look.

  3. ...

    August 8, 2013 at 9:21 am

    It’s ridiculous to assume that all women (or men) want the same thing you do. Plus it’s always “worse” when you’re doing the opposite of what you wish you were doing. Being a working mom might be the Worst Thing Ever for you if you’re only working so your family’s bills can be paid, but the Best Thing Ever for a woman who has a career she loves.
    We’re in the middle of TTC and I can’t wait for the day we finally bring a baby home. We went to a party this weekend with a few “childless by choice” couples who don’t have any regrets. People are different! 🙂

  4. allisonjayne

    August 8, 2013 at 9:26 am

    Ugh. Anything where you are saying that you know more about how someone else actually feels than they do…..then you are the jerk.

    • STB

      May 21, 2014 at 7:02 pm

      100%.

      Along with the ‘you don’t know love until’ faction. It’s not “real love’ unless it’s a parent’s love for their child. It doesn’t matter that you would give your own life a million times over and endure all the torture in the world for your mother/brother/spouse/loved one, it’s NOTHING compared to how much they love their child, and you simply cannot understand because you’re not a mommy. They have loved both, and thus KNOW that your love for your husband is less than their love for their child, because their love for *their* husband is less than their love for their child. So they are experts in how you think and feel. Easy!

      No. Just, no.

  5. GenerikErik

    August 8, 2013 at 9:50 am

    I have thought exactly these thoughts and said almost exactly these words just a few weeks when a colleague and I were discussing our wonderful and loved children: “But if I were currently childless and my own children never existed and I
    was making the decision about whether or not to have kids in the first
    place? OH HELL NO. I would not. I love my children because I know my
    children, but I also feel that those people who are childless by choice
    know exactly what the hell they are doing and why they are doing it.” Bizarre.

    • Eve Vawter

      August 8, 2013 at 9:51 am

      (I am reading your mind)

  6. whiteroses

    August 8, 2013 at 10:06 am

    It’s always best to assume that a functional adult, who works a job and pays their bills and goes on vacation, knows their own mind. Some people don’t want to be parents, or don’t feel that they’d be good at it, so they make a choice not to have any. In today’s society, which still puts a high premium on being a parent, that’s a pretty courageous choice.

  7. keelhaulrose

    August 8, 2013 at 10:07 am

    I was planning on being childfree until I became unexpectedly pregnant. I love my girls with everything I have, but I acknowledge my life plan was somewhat derailed by them, and I haven’t gotten to do many of the things I had hoped to have accomplished at this point because I’m a mother. (I have no regrets, I just didn’t know I wanted kids of my own until I had them)
    I have several good friends in varying points of parenthood or lack thereof (I have the oldest child, so I’m the go-to person for every kid related question no one wants to ask their mother). Some are child free and plan on staying that way. It makes them happy, and I sincerely applaud them for making a choice that’s right for them. I don’t need justification, not should they feel pressured to provide it.
    To some people, it’s never enough. Have one kid, why not two? Then three. I can’t tell you how many people ask if I’m going to try for a boy (I used to say I’d wind up like Molly Weasley, with six girls then a boy, but now that there’s the family with a dozen boys who hope #13 will be a girl they’ll be my new example). People shouldn’t feel the need to comment on others reproduction. Unless it’s your body it’s not your business.

    • Frances Locke

      August 8, 2013 at 11:14 am

      Ugh, I hate that. When I was pregnant with my son we were told he was a “she”, which was great. And we were happy when he turned out to be a boy too, because it truly wasn’t a concern. But I can’t tell you how many people have said “At least you got your boy!”. As if we were gonna keep trying for a boy until we got one. We were finished having kids regardless, and would have been happy with three girls.

  8. KaeTay

    August 8, 2013 at 10:47 am

    she shouldn’t have waited so long to have kids.. if she REALLY wanted one she would have started around age 30. At 20 I started trying to have my daughter. It wasn’t until I was 25 that I FINALLY became pregnant. I thought I couldn’t have kids and was looking into adoption choices when I found out. She has options; if you really want to be a mother so you can pass love onto a child you won’t care if the child is biologically yours or not.

    I acknowledged years ago that some people are not meant to have kids. A good friend of mine is an example. She is not comfortable around kids especially during their screaming fits. She nowhere near naturally maternal. Her mother is not typically considered maternal herself (her own words) and she used to say that she would mentally scar a child since she’s not nurturing. She may not have kids but she does put good out into the world. She’s a LBGTQ liaison at a college and has spoken at many high profile same sex rights rallys, and part of her job involves her speaking in front of 20,000+ people.

    The woman who so called believe in motherhood deniers is going through her own mental issues and is projecting her anger that these women can have kids but refuse to. Typically I was more angry at people who were irresponsibly getting pregnant during my anger stages when I was trying to get pregnant. She has yet to find her calm, accepting place. I think she needs to find it fast if she wants to adopt.. she is 44..

    • JLH1986

      August 8, 2013 at 10:54 am

      Its wonderful that she does other things, but even if she sat at home on her butt. That’s her call. She knows herself well enough to know she would either suck at parenting or do just enough to get by. What kind of life is that? That’s hardly fair to the child or herself to be miserable until the kid moves out. I know I’d really like a kid. But I knew that when I was 16, I didn’t want one then of course but someday. How my knowing I wanted a kid then is totally acceptable but knowing you don’t want a kid as an adult isn’t is beyond me. Could they change their mind? sure. But I also could have decided I don’t want kids tomorrow.

    • KaeTay

      August 8, 2013 at 11:06 am

      I know, I just like to brag about my friend, I’ve known her for over 10 years and she’s my only friend who has been doing anything remotely political.

    • Frances Locke

      August 8, 2013 at 11:12 am

      She sounds awesome!

    • Frances Locke

      August 8, 2013 at 11:06 am

      I don’t think you have to lack maternal instinct to not want kids of your own though. One of my favorite teachers was childfree before they used the term, she always used to say that she had hundreds of kids over the years, and didn’t need her own. She basically wanted to focus on teaching kids instead of having a family of her own. She was insanely maternal. It’s different for everyone I guess.

    • Elizabeth Wakefield

      August 8, 2013 at 4:38 pm

      “She shouldn’t have waited so long to have kids…if she REALLY wanted one she would have started around age 30.”

      I don’t really know what to say about this statement except that it’s about as judgmental and preachy as the original author of the piece.

    • Blueathena623

      August 8, 2013 at 8:28 pm

      I kinda get what she’s saying. In situations like this, I think of a Carrie Bradshaw moment in SATC. To paraphrase, she and Charlotte are discussing kids, and Carrie says that when she wanted to move to New York, she made it happen. When she wanted to be a writer, she made it happen. When she wants expensive shoes, she gets them.
      I think kids are kinda the same way. If kids are super important to you, given fertility issues at later ages, it is a good idea to start thinking about it in your early 20’s and shoot for it in the late 20’s, early 30’s. Are there life circumstances that make this incredibly difficult? Of course, and I’m not blaming the woman who really does want kids, but not quite enough to live in her car and eat ramen for 10 years to afford in vitro or adoption.

    • Elizabeth Wakefield

      August 9, 2013 at 8:31 pm

      But I also think women have to be given the opportunity to change their mind. Perhaps in her twenties and thirties, children were not her priority or even a desire. Life changes, circumstances change…and it’s not fair to tell someone “you should have thought of that earlier” when it comes to something like this – especially when she’s obviously already fairly distraught about not having thought of it earlier. Does that make sense?

    • Blueathena623

      August 9, 2013 at 10:12 pm

      It does make sense, but I think there is the issue of generality. No, that should not be said TO her, because as you said, it would be cruel. However, I think the initial statement is rather benign in that its rather general — if she really wanted kids, it would have been in her best interest to start sooner. Of course, what’s done is done, and hopefully she doesn’t read the comments on this page.

  9. alice

    August 8, 2013 at 11:24 am

    “…but I believe the Motherhood Deniers, waving the flag for the childless life, remain in the minority. Admittedly a far more confident, glamorous, and witty minority than they once were…”

    bhwahaha. oh those Motherhood Deniers and their pesky confidence! If only they could collectively shirk away their self esteem, and shame spiral into a deep pool of sadness and regret….

  10. Elisa Probert

    August 8, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    My grandmother has said, to her children, she regrets having them. Maybe not all of them, but one or two of her five that she honestly wishes she’d never had. My mother included. Which means she has four grandchildren she’d honestly rather not have. And this is a woman from a generation when a woman’s job was to have babies.

    I just wish some of these people would shut up. You don’t KNOW what anyone else is feeling, lady. You can’t just project your feelings onto everyone and say they all feel the same as you.

    Hell, I’m almost 35 and still on the fence. At this point, if I get pregnant, great, we’ll have a baby and I’ll be really excited about it. If not, hey, maybe the universe is trying to say something…like, don’t have a baby! LOL

    • Harriet Meadow

      August 8, 2013 at 6:19 pm

      My grandmother says she regrets having kids, too. She has no idea how hurtful that is to someone who would not exist if she had had her wish.

    • Jemster

      April 23, 2014 at 12:40 pm

      My mom, while she didn’t regret having kids, I don’t think wanted three. I think she would’ve been happy with one, maybe two. The first two were girls and my dad wanted a boy. Thankfully the third one was a boy so they stopped and dad got snipped.

  11. Alex

    August 8, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    More than anything, this sounds like a letter written to her younger self who had an abortion at 18 and now regrets it.

    • Cee

      August 8, 2013 at 2:40 pm

      *blink* I hope this is not some anti choice agenda post jacking. Because if it is, no, just no.

      It sounds more like she waited a long time to decide to have children to the point where her age and possibly other factors are making it difficult for her to conceive now. She is upset that she waited so long and really wants a child and she’s taking this frustration by believing everyone will regret waiting or not wanting a child.

      I feel bad for her, but at the same time she needs to kinda stfu about other people’s choices.

    • Alex

      August 8, 2013 at 3:22 pm

      Not at all, The Daily Mail article mentions it (although it doesn’t link to the TV interview so we don’t know the circumstances surrounding her choice).

      It is still indeed possible that she waited too long after that to decide (or try) to have children and is now upset that it may be too later. I just interpreted her article as someone who realizes that she may have terminated what turned out to be her only shot at having a child she did (eventually) want, and doesn’t want other women to make the same mistake of assuming they can just as easily get pregnant when the circumstances are better.

    • JennyWren

      August 8, 2013 at 3:51 pm

      Yeah, the problem with this thinking is that she seems to have fallen into the trap of thinking “if I’d made that ONE choice differently my life would have been great and I’d be happy now!” I just don’t think it works that way IRL. If she’d continued with the pregnancy when she was 18 she probably would have had a pretty hard time of it and would have had to give up a lot of opportunities she’s had and enjoyed and ended up regretting that too. No decision you make in life can guarantee that you’ll never be unhappy or wish you could have done things differently; you just make the best decision you can at the time and try to look for the best in your situation.

  12. Courtney Lynn

    August 8, 2013 at 12:58 pm

    That’s like saying that people without Celiac’s should enjoy gluten if they can! Stupid. Most adult women are perfectly capable of making life decisions. Having children is NOT for everyone, even if you are technically able.

  13. TwentiSomething Mom

    August 8, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    Even though her life is so hard right now with all the sailing in Italy and hanging out till, I’m sure she had good reason NOT to have kids to begin with. I bet if she had kids, she would be moaning and groaning about how she doesn’t have time and money to do things like sail in Italy.

  14. SDA

    August 8, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    “I love my children because I know my children”….I love that. Feel the same way exactly. I hate when people try to justify the reasons they think my husband and I should have another child (we are one & done) by saying how much we would love it. You know, if I had 15 babies, I’m sure I would love each and every one and never regret them having life, but I don’t need 15 babies, the world doesn’t need me to have 15 babies, the government (who would surely have to support me) doesn’t need me to have 15 babies. It is really silly logic.

    I know how hard it is to be a mom and all the worry and anxiety that comes with it. I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world, but if someone can look at that situation and say they don’t want that, more. power. to. them.

  15. Betty

    August 8, 2013 at 3:18 pm

    Yay thank you.

  16. On the Fence

    August 8, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    I love the comment about teaching 16 year olds to have babies asap. My mom tried that. She told me from the time I was 5, have babies when you are 20, don’t wait.
    She was 30. I turn 30 this year, still no babies. She wrote me a message on my wedding day that said, have babies now.
    You can’t pressure people into having kids. I am starting my masters asap. And I’m hoping babies after that. Maybe. You know, or not at all.

    • Elizabeth Wakefield

      August 8, 2013 at 4:40 pm

      People need to have babies when people CHOOSE to have babies. If you’re pressured into having a child in your early twenties before you’re truly ready, then that’s going to breed a whole mess of resentment towards your child. You know what I mean?

    • Katherine Handcock

      September 12, 2013 at 8:41 am

      As long as you’re aware that, if you have difficulty getting pregnant it can be harder to deal with when you’re older, who cares when you start having babies? Early is good if you’re happy with it; later is good if you’re happy with it.

      By the way, my dad was a professor who supervised many graduate students and one of the things he drove home to me when I got married is that, if at all possible, both my husband and I should complete all the education we wanted before we had kids. He said he’d watched too many student couples where one of the couple had to delay/give up what they wanted in order to have kids on a timetable (before they were 30, before they’d been married 5 years, etc.) and so many of them struggled — some of them, sadly, to the point of breaking up because the stress on their marriage was so hard to overcome. That’s not to say it can’t be done, but I think it’s worth the extra years’ waiting before you decide on kids to have your degree completed.

  17. Sandy

    August 8, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    The thing is, there are countless regrets available in life. For all of the paths taken and not taken. Kids or no kids, classes you took or didn’t take, career paths, place of residence. We so desperately want to have it all and think that with enough work, we can, that we’re genuinely disappointed that we can’t have it all of the ways. Life’s not a choose your own adventure book that you can go back on and say, turns out that X choice wasn’t for me. Redo!

    Sure, it’s never too late to be who you might have been and if you find you missed something look into how to do it and fight like hell for it.

    But you can’t fault anyone for saying, “You know, I don’t think I want kids enough to be the parent kids deserve.” simply because one day they’ll be elderly.

    in fact, I have a hell of a lot more respect for people who can say, “I really enjoy kids and I like spending time with them but I recognize I’m not willing to make those sacrifices. So I’m happy to babysit my friends’ kids. It’s a win all around.” than those who go ahead and have kids and do a piss-poor job raising them.

  18. Harriet Meadow

    August 8, 2013 at 6:29 pm

    My husband and I waited 12 years to have a child, and now that he’s here I love him SO much and he brings my life SO much joy and I’m SO happy we had him (and now I can’t imagine NOT having him!)…but we also loved our lives before we had him, and we were both able to progress more quickly in our chosen career paths, plan travel, etc., better than we can now. I don’t think I needed a child to make my life complete, because it was already wonderful, and I don’t think people who are childfree by choice will necessarily regret it.

  19. Annie

    August 8, 2013 at 10:37 pm

    You know, I’ve never met anyone who regretted being attacked by a bear; therefore, anyone who says they don’t want to be attacked by a bear is a liar and a fool.

  20. Mae Blackwood

    August 14, 2013 at 11:01 pm

    I was told I would never have children and this always killed me, but I knew that was me that felt that way. I was understanding of the fact that I may want kids and I knew people who had kids who didn’t really feel the way I felt I would if I had kids.

    I was extremely blessed a few months ago to find out that I was pregnant and so far the pregnancy is going well, but this is me. I’m excited. Some people don’t feel this way.

    I’ve always really respected people who would openly go “I don’t want children” and then would go about life not having children. I always really loved when someone can openly say that they don’t want kids and live with that. I never found it selfish or that they were lying about not wanting them. I knew too many people who had kids because they felt it was something they do. And now they seem to regret it or have openly admitted it.

    Some people just don’t want kids. There’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t see why someone should be shamed for saying they don’t want kids. Even more so people who don’t feel like they will be good parents or will give their kids the time they deserve. There are so many unwanted children living at home with the people who don’t want them. You know when you aren’t wanted. You know when you’re felt to be a mistake. Why would anyone feel like this is a better way to be than being open about not wanting children?

    It sucks this woman can’t have a kid as someone who went through the feelings of knowing you could never have children. But, not everyone feels that way. When I was in that position I always thought of fostering and adopting an older child — and we still plan to do this in the future — and that made me so happy and still does. Because that kid came from someone who decided to go through being a parent without wanting it and then being a horrible parent.

    There is nothing at all wrong with being mature about the thought of children. Everyone should be. It’s not something you just jump into. It’s not trying out a new band and buying a CD on the fly. It’s a living being.

    People who opted to be childfree aren’t denying that they want kids. No. They’ve thought this out as everyone should.

    Blah blah blah. I wrote too much, sorry. 😡 This just always annoys me.

  21. Katherine Handcock

    September 12, 2013 at 8:46 am

    While I feel badly for this woman that she wanted to carry a child and probably won’t be able to, she really needs to understand two things:

    1) There are so many other ways to have children in your life other than bearing them personally. Adoption, foster parenting, stepparenting, Big Brothers/Big Sisters, being the awesome aunt (like my sister), “adopting” your friends’ kids….just because you don’t give birth to a biological child doesn’t mean that children won’t be in your life.

    2) There is a big difference between childfree by choice — what those other women she’s talking about are — and childfree without choosing — which is what she is. If you genuinely don’t want to have a child, you will regret having a child — even if you adore that child with every fibre of your being. If you genuinely do want a child, you will regret NOT having a child — even if it means that you can do so many things that wouldn’t have been an option if you had kids.

    I always knew I wanted kids, and even I occasionally regret that there were things I didn’t get to do. Having them makes life so much more complicated. I can’t imagine how resentful I would feel if I HADN’T really wanted to have children and then felt I had given so many things up.

  22. AChildfreeChristian

    March 6, 2014 at 6:58 pm

    Wonderful article. Thank you.

  23. KatyMarie

    April 23, 2014 at 3:48 pm

    Deciding to have a child can be just as selfish, my brothers ex-wife is a PERFECT example. She leaves my nieces with my brother to go away on trips with the men she meets, she has even moved some of them into the house, and because she did not want the girls around dropped them off at my brothers without so much as a phone call. And she is a FAMILY THERAPIST! She wanted kids to show off a certain lifestyle and now that she is divorced she is back to “men jumping”, traveling and partying. My personal decision not to have children is due to my health, and anyone who calls me selfish for deciding not to have children for this reason is in serious denial. I sometimes cannot take care of myself, how would I take care of a child? Yes some may regret not having kids later in life, but I know a few who (although they love their kids) wish they did not have kids. You cannot judge another person, you know NOTHING about what is going on in their world. For those who want kids ~ Awesome! But don’t ever pass judgement on those who do not. Thank you for sharing this and from a parents perspective too. It is nice to know that there are still open minded people out there.

  24. RachaelMall

    April 23, 2014 at 5:06 pm

    Kate Spicer is angry about her life circumstances and is deflecting that
    anger on to other childfree women instead of taking responsibility for
    her own life. There are plenty of women who do not want children simply
    because they not like them. And there are plenty of women who have had
    kids who never should have! It’s better for women to be courageous
    enough to admit they don’t want kids rather than have them and mistreat
    them. This world has enough messed up people as it is! Katie Spicer is
    one of them!

  25. Sol

    April 23, 2014 at 6:06 pm

    Thanks for this.

  26. bobby lou

    April 23, 2014 at 6:15 pm

    I don’t have children and it is NOT because I physically can’t have them (there is always adoption, surrogacy etc etc etc if I really wanted to raise a child). I don’t have children because…. well I don’t want children. Their isn’t much to the concept of “being a mother” that excites me. I just don’t want to do it. I get annoyed when people constantly try to imply that their is some other reason. Their isn’t, it really is as simple as “I do not want to raise children, or be a mother”. What has always confused me is WHY are people with children SOOOOO obsessed about me having or not having kids?

  27. Alison Kathryn Abbott

    April 25, 2014 at 10:38 am

    I’ve never wanted to have kids and through most of my adult life was told I would either change my mind and have them or regret it. I turn 50 in less than three months and I have no regrets whatsoever about my choice to remain child free and feel no shame whatsoever about my decision. It’s nice at my age now to finally not have people bug me about it.

    As far as mothers not admitting they regret having children, an interesting thing has happened now that I’m older. Women seem to feel comfortable opening up to me about their feelings re: having children. When I was younger, women almost never would tell me they would have chosen not to have them had they felt less pressure to ‘have a family’, or feeling it’s the thing to do in a sense of the ‘natural progression of life’. However as I reached my late 40’s I’ve had several women tell me that though they adore their children, looking back they would have stayed child free and that they admire the courage of my choice (their words, I don’t feel courageous..it’s always been a no brainer for me).

    I’m sure being a mother is pretty marvelous if it’s what you desire, but NOT being a mother is pretty dang marvelous too!

  28. Deanna Jackson

    May 3, 2014 at 9:18 am

    Thank you! I wish more people understood why many of us chose to not have kids. And you’re absolutely right. Having kids is NOT a guarantee of not being lonely when you’re old and it doesn’t guarantee that they’ll grow up to be good people.

  29. Nope

    May 21, 2014 at 6:47 pm

    childfree and childless are NOT interchangeable. Childfree implies we aren’t missing something (though people think we SHOULD) and childLESS means they are actually missing out on something they want.

  30. Sam

    May 27, 2014 at 1:54 pm

    It sounds like she wants to have kids so she doesn’t feel “unnatural” and “sad” and so she’s not lonely when she’s old. That’s fine, but she certainly is condescending towards those of us who do not feel “unnatural” and “sad” b/c we don’t have kids and who aren’t worried about being lonely when we’re old.

  31. Debi Breweur

    May 31, 2014 at 4:36 pm

    Everything about this woman bothers me.

    I am bad at handling money. This is a unique gift that I’m sure I inherited from one and/or both of my parents, who never had very much of it themselves. Kids are expensive – their clothes, food, “CAN-I-BE-IN-THIS-ACTIVITY-JIMMY’s-MOM-IS-LETTING-HIM-DO-THIS-ACTIVITY-PLEASE-MOM”-ness. Just, no. I could provide for maybe the first two days, but after that, you’re going to need to get a job out in here in the real world, kiddo. I like the things I partake in far too much to sacrifice any of them. Does that make me selfish? Perhaps. But I’d rather be selfish now, before I pop out a tiny human that has needs and wants of their own.

    I’ve had so many people tell me that my opinion doesn’t matter because I don’t have kids or “You’ll never know true love until you see your child’s eyes for the first time”. Everytime I hear it, I just want to shake them and say “I have more baggage than an airport terminal and enough medical issues to buy my own hospital. Do you REALLY want me passing that on to the next generation?”

  32. Fluffy_1

    June 7, 2014 at 5:55 pm

    I hate women like this. I am childfree by choice for many reasons including autism, past clinical depression and tokophobia, but my main reason for not wanting kids is that I don’t fucking want kids. I want to spend my spare cash on what I want, I want to lie in when I like, stay up til five am if I want, and basically only share myself with Fiance. I think that more people ought to just admit flat out that they don’t want children, and then perhaps there’d be less abused, neglected and murdered children in the world.

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