As Much As We Wish It Were True, There’s No Way Jessa Duggar And Ben Seewald Had Sex In A Church

Jessa Duggar and Ben Seewald got married last weekend and the internet is dying to believe that they consummated their marriage in a church closet right after their wedding vows. That would be hot as hell — but sorry, internet. As much as I’d like to formulate endless jokes about this, and possibly even write some Duggar erotic fan fiction — there’s no way this happened.

First of all, let’s consider the source. I am going to go out on a limb and say that the blog from which the rumor came is a hilarious parody. Because it’s either a hilarious parody or the worst thing I’ve ever read in my life. Here are some entries.

This has to be parody, right? Please?

Okay, so the internet is running with these allegations based on a comment on this ridiculous blog, My Life As A Stay At Home Mom. The blogger claims to have attended the Duggar/Seewald wedding last weekend, and wrote a post describing how fun it was. Someone named Mary B. came along and claimed that Jessa and Ben had some steamy sex session in a back room of a church, and her sisters walked in on it. Here’s part of her allegation:

“As you know it is my daughter who knows the girls from Journey to the Heart but we were so kindly invited as well. As I mentioned to you at the reception I was very upset when I was told about the incident that was witnessed by the girls when the door to the room they were in was accidently opened. I am not sure why they would not wait for the evening to pray and then consumate God’s marriage. The Lord has blessed them and brought them together. To hear so many people discussing what they inadvertendly walked into was heartbreaking and troubling. Why did this happen? How could this beautiful, joyus day now be forever tainted and destroyed by rumors about what the girls may (or may not have) seen? And if this is true why would they commit such an act in the Lord’s home…the same Lord who guided them together. This really made me question Ben’s headship and leadership skills. I pray he is not swayed to evil. I pray he acts as strong husband and worship leader to Miss Jessa. I have a terrible, guy feeling. I have tried talking to my husband about this but he has said he will not talk about it until he prays about it and gets an answer from the Lord. This on average takes about 48 hours for him to recieve an answer.”

I’m intrigued by this 48-hour prayer answer thing – but back to the internet actually believing this woman. Um, no. Seriously. Here’s some more of what she had to say:

“Yes, at the church they have a small room which they set aside to have their first kiss in. MULTIPLE people were discussing that when Jinger opened the door to get Jess for the reception, she immediately closed the door with a look of shock on her face. A big group of the girls were waiting outside the room to walk with her out (including 2 camera operators to get the shot of them leaving from behind, with two in front) and my own daughters saw as well, even though Jinger only opened the door about 6 inches before realizing what was going on. Ben needs to be a stronger leader and not allow Jessa to be led away by temptation. This was so disappointing and the talk of the reception. This responsibily lays on the woman, as it’s proven that men have a much harder time.”

For the love of all things holy, do you think if TLC was there they wouldn’t have knocked every Duggar sister over to capture this footage? That would have been a ratings goldmine. Also, I’m just not believing Ben has it in him to have sex for the first time in a non-missionary position. Did you see their Instagram kiss? His mouth was fused shut as if someone tricked him with Krazy Glue. That was pretty much the opposite of hot.

Our resident Duggar expert doesn’t agree with me. Here’s Valerie‘s take:

Jessa has always been visibly annoyed by her family and definitely has a naughtiness about her. If any Duggar were to ever satisfy their loins in the house of the Lord, it would be her. And without a doubt, she has been ready to jump Ben for the last year and being the rebel that she is, I don’t think she would see any reason to wait.

“Satisfy their loins in the house of the Lord.” Ha.

I don’t know guys – I want to believe this as much as everyone else, but that blog is a joke and any anonymous commenter on the internet can basically say anything. So, I’m still firmly in the “No” camp.

What says you, internet? Do you believe these allegations or not?

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(photo: Instagram)