Child Abuse

10 Examples Of Morons Trivializing Child Abuse

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is-this-abusive/ Sometimes when I’m online, there’s a little game I like to play called “let’s see what qualifies as child abuse today”. I don’t really know why I do this, but I’m assuming it has something to do with how satisfying a  rageboner feels. Coming from a background of abuse, it’s always a little bit disheartening to discover that people  consider everything from feeding cookies to children to drawing eyebrows on babies as abuse, but seeing as I was formula  fed, my inability to grasp how easily we trivialize child-abuse is probably a result of all that Chinese poison powder I consumed as an infant.

Fortunately I have writers like Allison Dixley at blogs like The Alpha Parent to help me understand how wrong I am. She wants us all to know that child abuse isn’t limited to you know, actual abuse, but all of the stuff she disagrees with, as well.

“By restricting our understanding of harm to just the extremes, we condone and normalise other harmful acts towards children, acts that fall outside the legal safety-net. In this post I will focus on babies and toddlers to show how the mistreatment of children is a widely accepted and even cherished part of our culture.”

If you have time, read it. It’s a gem, in which Dixley helpfully explains to us that billions of children are exposed to such atrocities as formula feeding, largely because their abusers are lazy.

“Imagine how ludicrous this attitude would be if applied to other areas of child heath:  ‘Preparing meals for your child takes a great deal of time, so choose microwave ready-meals instead’, or ‘Visiting the doctor takes a great deal of time, so when your child is ill, use Google instead’.”  

To which I would say, microwaved meals aren’t child abuse either, moron.

This got me wondering; in what other ways have I been abusing my child? So I started digging around the internet, which I don’t recommend without a healthy amount of wine or horse tranquilizers, but preferably a combination of both. Because you, too, may be confused as to what constitutes child abuse and what is parental insecurity projected over the inter-tubes, please allow me to clear it up for you with this handy list. Please feel free to thank me later.

1)Extended Breast-Feeding 

Sigh. Must we continue to have this discussion? Breast-feeding  isn’t sexual. If you feel icky at the  sight of a mother feeding her toddler, that’s your problem.

2) Formula Feeding

“It’s the cultural norm for babies to have exact same bland meal for every meal for months on end – formula milk; we wouldn’t dream of forcing this on an adult. When else in life would we see it as acceptable to give ONLY a highly processed, reconstituted food – one which always tastes the same at every meal. It’s difficult to imagine justifying this for any other group in society. Even pet food comes in a range of flavours.”

The Alpha Parent

Double sigh. To be clear, starving your child qualifies as child abuse, feeding them does not. But hey, thanks for lumping adoptive parents into the “heartless, child abusing monsters” category. And by “thank you” I of course mean, “try laying off of the douchejuice once in awhile”.

3) Piercing Your  Baby’s Ears


I don’t have a very strong opinion on pierced baby ears. Personally I’d rather not spend the money until my daughter tells me she’s ready. But there is a significant difference between piercing your baby’s ears and say, biting your infant’s nose off.

4) Cry It Out

“It’s socially acceptable and even encouraged to leave your baby to cry alone for hours. Would you do this to your best friend or partner? Would you do this to your dog?”

-The Alpha Parent

cry it out abuse

Would you believe me if I said that I had no idea that cry it out with such a hotly debated topic? My baby cried all of the cries out. Sleep training was what kept us from being homeless, seriously. My only other option would have been to quit my job, miss rent, and raise my baby in a cozy refrigerator box. You will excuse me if I worried more about affording food for my child then slightly elevating her cortisol levels. Or you won’t, because you sound like a dick.

Side note: I would totally do this to my dog.

5) Circumcision

“Some argue that pain felt by a baby is not as bad as pain felt by an adult. This argument is commonly used by circumcision advocates that believe in conducting the procedure without anaesthetics. They argue that babies have a much weaker awareness of what is happening to them, and this makes their suffering insignificant…Human pain machinery is the same in infants as it is in children and adults.”

-The Alpha Parent

Ah, Circumcision. I feel like I don’t get to have too much of an opinion on this since I don’t have a son; frankly, I have just never had to give that much thought to lopping off  dickskin. But given The Alpha Parent’s assertion that babies feel pain at the same level as adults, I wonder how opposed she is to frenulum snipping if the only other alternative is formula. Conundrum!

6) Letting Your Baby Get Fat


Childhood obesity. More like childhood ABUSE-ity, amirite? I’m so pleased to see that so many mommy bloggers and internet randos have doctorates in pediatric health now. I don’t know how it feels to be an obese child, but I sure as hell know what it feels like to be a hungry one. There aren’t enough middle fingers in the world for this.

7) Being A Dirty Smoker

Hey, I’m not telling you to smoke, and sure, I’ll probably side eye if you smoke around your kid. It’s extremely questionable, and I say that as a person who sneaks a cigarette here and there. I’m hesitant to even weigh in on this because I know I wouldn’t want people smoking around mine. But assault? Child abuse? I’m having trouble making that leap.

8) Intimacy (???)

I don’t really know what The Alpha Parent means by this, but I’m going to assume that by saying “children have no right to personal space. no right to refuse intimacy,” she isn’t referring to any of the tenants of attachment parenting, since according to her blog attachment parenting is pretty much the only way to not abuse your child. Color me confused. I’m more confused than a screaming baby at the piercing station at Claire’s who is being held down while her mother smokes cigarettes and lets her cry it out.

9) Cosleeping


-via Commonhealth

In case you’re wondering, the answer is no. No, you really can’t win. Let your baby cry it out, you’re a monster. Let your baby sleep in bed with you, you’re also a monster. Way to go, monster.

10) Letting Your Baby Eat  Lemons

This concept has always confused and bothered me. Has no baby ever eaten lemons before? At what age does citric consumption cease to be child abuse? Are lemons more or less abusive than formula? How about jalapeños? What about key limes? If you feed your baby lemons, and then let them cry it out while they sleep in your bed, is that grounds for a CPS call? So many unanswered questions.

I definitely don’t want to draw a hard line in the sand about what “counts” as child abuse, but some of the above reactions are borderline insanity.

We are not doing victims of abuse any favors by ensuring that every parenting decision we disagree with gets lumped into the category of abuse. It is both insulting and laughable to compare babies who are formula fed or overweight to oppressed minorities or slaughtered animals. The more you equate things like formula feeding to severe neglect, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, the less likely people are to take those things seriously. So if I may, I’d like to offer this heartfelt plea: stop being a dick and think of the children.

(Image: Jeff Cameron Collingwood/Shutterstock)


  1. brebay

    May 20, 2014 at 10:05 am

    Hot Pockets = withholding lifesaving medical treatment. Well, duh.

    • wmstudio

      May 21, 2014 at 7:10 am

      lol.Big Cube available on the iPhone App Store.It’s funny!It’s hard!

  2. Bethany Ramos

    May 20, 2014 at 10:07 am

    This is awesome. I’m sure you know where I stand on quite a few of these… But I really do love sleep training! And a little bit of secret smoking after a stressful day. Clearly, sleep training causes smoking. Scientific fact.

    • G.E. Phillips

      May 20, 2014 at 1:52 pm

      See, and I think the reason I started sort-of smoking again after having quit for 5 years is because I DIDN’T sleep train Face, and now I need to smoke a cigarette on my front steps every night after he’s gotten out of bed approximately 43 times.

    • Bethany Ramos

      May 20, 2014 at 2:02 pm

      Wait, you’re messing up my research…

  3. Kay_Sue

    May 20, 2014 at 10:19 am

    “children have no right to personal space. no right to refuse intimacy,”

    I don’t know about the Alpha Parent (wtf??), but I’m going to assume this refers to the tendency of people to be like, “Come on over here and give me a hug/kiss” or kissing/hugging a small child without the child’s consent, or in spite of a denial of consent. Definitely not child abuse, but we do encourage our kids to ask for consent before giving hugs and kisses, we ask them before we do, and we stand by them when they don’t feel like giving affection (even if it’s just because they are being a brat because they are mad at us, something my 7 year old employs around bedtime).

    I really wish people would understand that trivializing something like this is never, ever acceptable. I actually did a blog post on domestic violence after I read a post on the Greg Hardy situation. So many people were making jokes about it, when it’s not a joking matter. Can we please just accept that violence is not something we need to belittle? Pretty please with whipped cream and sugar and a cherry on top?

    • Theresa Edwards

      May 20, 2014 at 10:22 am

      good point. Somehow I hadn’t thought about it this way but I will concede the point that demanding hugs and kisses starts heading into ick zone.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 20, 2014 at 10:26 am

      I don’t think it’s abuse though, and I do think indicating that it is such is trivializing child abuse, just as you’ve posited.

      I definitely don’t think every parent needs to adopt the same philosophy. We have, because honestly, I hated being forced to hug and kiss people as a kid.

    • Kendra

      May 20, 2014 at 10:27 am

      I force multiple hugs and kisses on my daughter. But, her little cheeks are so squishy…I can’t help it.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 20, 2014 at 11:45 am

      We do this with our son too. If he seems reluctant to hug/kiss a relative or something, I’ll just say “how about a high five instead?”

    • Kay_Sue

      May 20, 2014 at 11:58 am

      We do high fives too. Our relatives don’t really seem to get it, but they haven’t made too big of a deal of it, which I am thankful for.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 20, 2014 at 12:11 pm

      Yea no one has minded too much yet. I sometimes feel bad because we have some older aunts/uncles he doesn’t see much and I know it’s just that they want to give the little guy some affection, but I don’t want him to start thinking at a young age that he can’t refuse if someone wants to touch him. Not to be paranoid, but I want him to know it’s ok to say no.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 20, 2014 at 12:14 pm

      I feel you time a million. It really kills me when they don’t want to hug my mother in law. She’s an awesome lady, and they don’t get to see her nearly as often as the other grandkids do. She’s been wonderful about it, but I hate to see that momentary twinge on her face. I do encourage them pretty strongly in those instances, but the final decision is still up to them. Usually they come around by bedtime the first day we are there. And I’ve had the same “paranoia”–I always want them to know that it’s okay to say no. And, I’m not going to lie, I’m raising boys–I want them to know that consent is ALWAYS important, in every situation. So I feel super paranoid and like I’m putting too much thought into it most of the time, but…I hope it will be worth it in the end.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 20, 2014 at 12:23 pm

      Same. I’m just hoping if we talk about consent now in an age appropriate way, and keep talking about it, by the time he’s a teen and taking a lot of interest in touching other teens’ parts some of these lessons will stick.

    • Karen Milton

      May 20, 2014 at 1:44 pm

      I hadn’t thought about it this way. I like the idea of teaching our children both that they are generally* in charge of who makes contact with their own bodies and that they should understand that the same goes for the rest of the world, and I wonder if I’ve done a good enough job of this.

      *Exceptions would include matters of medical urgency or personal safety, for example, and that would be good to discuss as well.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 20, 2014 at 8:26 pm

      We have those same exceptions. It really is a different way to look at it.

    • jane

      May 20, 2014 at 8:51 pm

      And cleanliness. I feel very strongly about teaching my daughter body autonomy, but that is not getting her out of brushing her hair (and I reserve the right to make sure the brush has gotten all the way through the knots too).

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      May 20, 2014 at 3:00 pm

      I agree. I hadn’t thought about it this way before but I read a post on that made me totally rethink the way I force my kid to kiss family and friends.

      “You’ve also set her up to believe it’s her responsibility to use her body to satisfy another’s desire, regardless of how she feels about it. So even if you’ve explained to her a million times that she has the right to say “no,” your actions, particularly when ingrained at an early age, speak much louder than words.

      Physical affection when not given freely is wrong. Full stop.”

      Tough to disagree with that.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 20, 2014 at 8:28 pm

      That’s really well put. I don’t think boys necessarily get the same pressure to satisfy, but I definitely feel the responsibility from the angle of teaching them that bodily autonomy and consent are important for everyone.

    • Psych Student

      June 26, 2014 at 12:49 am

      I agree. It felt really icky to read Alpha Parent’s idea about intimacy. Don’t parents try to tell their children that no one should touch them without consent and then force them to hug a relative they don’t want to? Talk about mixed messages!

  4. Kendra

    May 20, 2014 at 10:20 am

    Kendra, honey, no. Stop talking. You are ruining the name Kendra for the rest of us.

    • Stifler Plays Tennis

      May 20, 2014 at 11:28 am

      Finally happened. Kendra’s going bonkers and talkin to herself. Who predicted May 20? You just won the pot.

    • Kendra

      May 20, 2014 at 12:02 pm

      First of all, I talk to myself constantly. That’s nothing new. Of course you don’t know that since this is internet world and you can’t hear me. Secondly, that Kendra is on my list of “Kendras” that I wish could be forced to change their name to “Bitcherella” or something more appropriate.

    • Stifler Plays Tennis

      May 20, 2014 at 1:20 pm

      I know, I’m just messing with you Kendra.

    • Stifler Plays Tennis

      May 20, 2014 at 1:20 pm

      Although I do worry about people who talk to themselves in real life.

    • Stifler Plays Tennis

      May 20, 2014 at 1:21 pm

      IKR? Who does that?

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      May 20, 2014 at 2:50 pm

      Idk, “Bitcherella” is actually pretty cool

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      May 20, 2014 at 8:24 pm

      New name tomorrow? 🙂

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      May 21, 2014 at 7:20 am

      lol maybe, that one is pretty tempting too!

    • Spongeworthy

      May 20, 2014 at 11:43 am

      How does one refuse to have fat kids? If they start to get a little pudgy, can you just send them back?

    • Kendra

      May 20, 2014 at 12:00 pm

      Yes, I think that’s how it works. Ah, shit, got a defective one. Call up the company for a refund.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 20, 2014 at 12:08 pm

      And you know the shipping for those fat kids is so much more expensive than for the skinny ones.

    • Kendra

      May 20, 2014 at 12:32 pm

      Ugh, damn shipping companies and their ridiculous prices! It’s such discrimination against moms who accidentally ended up with fat kids!

    • Kendra

      May 20, 2014 at 12:32 pm

      Ugh, damn shipping companies and their ridiculous prices! It’s such discrimination against moms who accidentally ended up with fat kids!

    • Kelly

      May 20, 2014 at 1:03 pm

      They either starve them or shame them every time they try to eat until they become anorexic. At least, that’s how my parents handled it.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 20, 2014 at 1:09 pm

      That’s awful. I’ve definitely know some people who have food issues that can be traced back to crap their parents said/did. It’s such a vicious cycle.

    • Kelly

      May 20, 2014 at 1:12 pm

      It is awful. It bothers me even more because it’s the same jerks who are parroting that crap about, “I will NEVER have a fat kid! That’s ABUSE!”

      And then they turn around and give their kid a serious issue like an eating disorder that they will most likely struggle with the rest of their life and somehow that’s not abuse in their minds? Ugh, it makes me so angry.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 20, 2014 at 1:21 pm

      I completely agree. To people like that being fat is the worst thing on the world. Way more preferable to have an unhealthy body image and an eating disorder!
      I mean, I love to eat healthy and cook, and I want my kid to eat healthy foods and be active. But if he does have weight issues, I sure as hell won’t address it by shaming him and telling him he is fat and gross. I’ll never understand people like that.

    • Karen Milton

      May 20, 2014 at 1:38 pm

      I’m so sorry that happened to you. I hope you’ve been able to make at least some progress getting yourself away from that mindset.

      I’m pretty sure starving your kid on purpose actually is abuse, for the record.

  5. Kendra

    May 20, 2014 at 10:22 am

    BTW, it’s obvious you are supposed to flavor the formula. You need to put some of those little crystal lite packets in there and mix things up! I mean, it’s so BLAND so you wouldn’t want that for EVERY meal! You big meanies!!!

    • Theresa Edwards

      May 20, 2014 at 10:23 am

      preferably flavor it with schnapps.

    • Kendra

      May 20, 2014 at 10:25 am

      Also a great idea. See people? There are all KINDS of options.

    • Valerie

      May 20, 2014 at 11:16 am

      Peach Schnapps. Because there is peach baby food. You are just readying their palate. It’s what any good mother would do.

    • Rachel Sea

      May 20, 2014 at 12:43 pm

      But not lemon schnapps.

  6. Lee

    May 20, 2014 at 10:22 am

    So am I abusing my dog since I’ve been getting the same exact dog food every time for the past few years?

    • Theresa Edwards

      May 20, 2014 at 10:27 am

      please expect a visit from the animal control team at your location soon.

    • Mystik Spiral

      May 20, 2014 at 11:15 am


    • Stifler Plays Tennis

      May 20, 2014 at 11:28 am

      OOOH can we trivialize dog abuse???

    • Lilly

      May 20, 2014 at 2:00 pm

      I am doubly abusing my cats since one has a stomach issue they are both on really bland, easily digestible food (even the one that doesn’t need it since I am too lazy to try to control who each from which bowl).

      Also, isn’t breastmilk generally pretty consistent in flavour — I know it picks up some taste from the food moms eat but it isn’t the same as eating the actual chocolate cake or thai curry — that’s why toddlers find eating new foods either the best tor the worst depending on the toddler.

    • Psych Student

      June 26, 2014 at 12:46 am

      That was my thought. I totally give the cat the exact same food every day. And doesn’t breast milk generally taste the same each time? I’m sure diet can make a bit of a difference, but is it the same as eating curry one day and a mild fish the next? (Honest question, since I don’t have the faintest idea).

  7. jane

    May 20, 2014 at 10:23 am

    I Loled at “key limes.”

    Seriously, folks, I think it’s safe to say that there is a range of abuse – if all you’re feeding your 9 month old is hot dogs, doritos and coke, yes, I think that’s a problem. Not as big a problem as putting cigarettes out on them, but a problem. If you have a few drinks and then cosleep and crush your baby, I think you should be prosecuted for neglect. I think that putting hot sauce in the mouth of an infant is highly suspect.

    But for Christ sake’s people, dial it back. If at the end of the day the kid is mostly healthy, alive, and has a positive, trusting relationship with the parent, whatever was happening wasn’t abuse.

    • Theresa Edwards

      May 20, 2014 at 10:26 am

      please keep your sanity off of the internet. It has no place here.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 20, 2014 at 10:26 am

      No room for it!!!

    • Kendra

      May 20, 2014 at 10:28 am

      Coke as in pop or coke as in cocaine? No reason….I mean….just asking….

    • Theresa Edwards

      May 20, 2014 at 10:29 am

      …for a friend

    • noodlestein

      May 20, 2014 at 2:37 pm

      She’s from Canada – you wouldn’t know her.

    • Iwill Findu

      May 20, 2014 at 11:27 am

      My 8 month old likes spicy/hot food, we were having west African food for dinner she was having roast beef, but we though what’s the harm in letting her try a bite of cassava leaf she didn’t stop until she got one of the chopped up hot peppers, but she did have more the next time, and she always mooches of the hubbies plate and he puts hot sauce on everything. So I’m not sure that straight up hot sauce would bother her all that much.

    • jane

      May 20, 2014 at 11:33 am

      Yeah, but you know she likes hot sauce. Different than pouring some Frank’s Red Hot into the mouth of a 3 month old.

      New motto: “Put that shit on everything (except, of course, babies, unless you want Alpha Parent to call DCF).” It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

  8. val97

    May 20, 2014 at 10:32 am

    Yesterday I was happy that I am no longer a waitress. Today I am thinking of the overworked staff who answer the phones at DCF. Can’t imagine getting this call: “Yes, hello I would like to report that today I saw a picture on facebook of a baby licking a lemon and making a funny face. I think it’s abuse because ACID.”

    • Valerie

      May 20, 2014 at 11:18 am


    • Stifler Plays Tennis

      May 20, 2014 at 11:29 am

      This is why we should have a Lemon Party… to get used to it.

      Lee? Can you supply the Lemons?

    • Valerie

      May 20, 2014 at 11:33 am

      Glad I googled that shit on my phone and not my work computer.

    • itpainsme2say

      May 20, 2014 at 11:45 am

      I refuse google it now

    • Lee

      May 20, 2014 at 12:41 pm

      Don’t do it!!!

    • Valerie

      May 20, 2014 at 12:42 pm

      Its really for the best.

    • Stifler Plays Tennis

      May 20, 2014 at 1:23 pm

      But seriously… I mean, you know 90% of the things I reference are well well well known (often old) internet Meme’s right?

    • Lee

      May 20, 2014 at 12:40 pm

      I still hate you!

    • Stifler Plays Tennis

      May 20, 2014 at 1:21 pm

      PUUUUUUUUAHAHAHAHA I swear Lee, I’ll make it up to you one day


    • Mystik Spiral

      May 20, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    • Stifler Plays Tennis

      May 20, 2014 at 1:22 pm

      No, but I’m sure that’s the joke that Tiny Fey was going for.

    • Mystik Spiral

      May 20, 2014 at 1:32 pm

      I imagine.

    • Jem

      May 20, 2014 at 11:49 am

      I am a social worker, although I don’t work in Child Protection. Still, the fact that my friends know I’m a social worker means I have had more than a few “I saw this on facebook and um, is this child abuse?” Usually about a kid drinking pop or lemonade or sitting with animals. I just blink at them and walk away. I am actually kind of jealous of people who think that is child abuse. They live in blissful ignorance not knowing the horrors I know and have seen of what actually, truly, happens to kids sometimes.

    • Rachel Sea

      May 20, 2014 at 12:48 pm

      A lot of people have stopped being able to tell the difference between, “not the best” and abuse.

  9. Obladi Oblada

    May 20, 2014 at 10:43 am

    If these jacklegs had ever seen the real ramifications of actual child abuse, they would vomit up their lunch and go hug their babies. These are people that don’t have enough to do.

    • keelhaulrose

      May 20, 2014 at 12:33 pm

      That’s what I was going to comment with. I’ve seen abused children. These people are showing the height of their sheltered life. No one who has seen abuse would say a mother feeding their child, even if it’s formula, counts as child abuse, especially if you’ve seen an unhealthy, thin toddler with her ribs sticking out.
      I’m seriously raging over this. It’s meant to be funny but I’ve seen too much of it to consider anything about child abuse funny.

    • Obladi Oblada

      May 20, 2014 at 12:41 pm

      When my youngest son came to me, he weighed 39 pounds and turned 7 a month later. The things he had been exposed to were mind boggling. I have a hard time wrapping my head around what some of these children have to live with.

  10. Harriet Meadow

    May 20, 2014 at 10:43 am

    My son LOVES lemons. Always has. We started giving them to him out of our water when we go out to eat at, like, 7 months old. We. Are. Monsters.

    • Mystik Spiral

      May 20, 2014 at 11:14 am

      I was gonna say, little kids liking lemons isn’t that uncommon. I have a 9yo niece who will grab and suck on any lemon she sees, and she’s been that way for as long as I can remember.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 20, 2014 at 11:26 am

      Damn. I really want some WarHeads right now. We used to have contests when we were kids to see who could hold the most in their mouth for the longest.

    • Kendra

      May 20, 2014 at 12:03 pm

      I was always the supreme winner of that contest.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 20, 2014 at 12:11 pm

      Me too! And everyone was always shocked for some reason. Because I was a picky eater maybe? I don’t know.

      Good times though. I sense a Wal Mart trip in my future.

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      May 20, 2014 at 8:27 pm

      ‘Bout Goddamned time someone gave YOU a craving for a delicious treat you didn’t have lying around in your house! *cue maniacal laughter*

    • Kay_Sue

      May 20, 2014 at 8:36 pm

      I was waiting for that! I was like, I know when Wendy gets settled in, I’m going to hear about this. 😉

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      May 20, 2014 at 9:21 pm

      Awwww. My internetz friends know how I roll! 🙂

    • pixie

      May 20, 2014 at 12:33 pm

      I was the CHAMP at that game.
      But I was also the kid that drank a glass of lemon juice on a dare, so…yeah.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 20, 2014 at 8:25 pm

      Former WarHeads Challenge Champs, Unite!

    • Kendra

      May 20, 2014 at 11:16 am

      Yep, last year when my daughter was almost one, we gave her a lemon at the fair. She ate the whole thing (except the rind obviously). She loved it!

    • Jem

      May 20, 2014 at 11:44 am

      I’m pretty sure kids can tolerate sour flavors way better than adults can, so it’s not fair to judge if a child should enjoy a lemon based on if adults do. Do you remember war heads? super sours? Kids LOVE that stuff. Adults don’t. It’s not necessarily that kids are crazy, just that they have a taste for and can tolerate sour flavors more than adults.

    • Rachel Sea

      May 20, 2014 at 12:45 pm

      There are many pictures of infant me with a chunk of lemon in my mouth. Even now, when I go out to dinner with friends, half of them fish their lemon out of their water, and hand it over.

  11. Jessie

    May 20, 2014 at 10:54 am

    This is why I’m afraid to have kids. I would be terrified that simply sneezing in the same house as my infant would earn me a visit from a social worker, thanks to nutbars like these people.

  12. Valerie

    May 20, 2014 at 11:13 am

  13. Spongeworthy

    May 20, 2014 at 11:41 am

    The attitude of #1 drove me nuts when I was nursing. When I had the baby, it was all “are you nursing? You have to nurse! It’s the best thing you could ever do for your child!!” But then once he got to six months or so, it became “how much longer are you going to nurse? You’re stopping soon right? Because eeewwwww. You aren’t going to be one of THOSE moms are you??” So to recap, formula is poison, and nursing is gross. Got it.

    • Clarissa

      May 21, 2014 at 2:03 am

      Just tell then you saw something about a woman breast feeding her 15 year old and thought it was a great idea( totally saw something about that a while back) or tell them you put also whiskey in the babies bottles to help them sleep( depending on what camp they’re in)

  14. itpainsme2say

    May 20, 2014 at 11:42 am

    Douche juice is my new favorite word

  15. AlbinoWino

    May 20, 2014 at 11:54 am

    Ugh, I was reading a parenting article recently talking about the dangers of putting a child in time out. They actually said that putting a child in time out is the exact same as hitting your child because it humiliates them. Yeah, couldn’t take anything in the article seriously after that and stopped reading.

    • Lee

      May 20, 2014 at 12:43 pm

      I saw an article like that. I couldn’t even finish it my eyes were rolling so hard I couldn’t see.

    • Sara

      May 20, 2014 at 3:42 pm

      How the hell are you supposed to discipline the kid then? With a water-bottle like you would train a dog?

    • Rowan

      June 19, 2014 at 5:51 am

      Noooo! That would cause them psychological harm. If you love your child and follow the proper parenting rules, they will be such perfect little darlings that they will never ever act up.

      And if you believe that, I have a flying unicorn to sell you.

  16. Rachel Sea

    May 20, 2014 at 12:54 pm

    This is great, we’ll just call everything that is maybe-possibly-less-than-optimal for the generic child at any time, and states will have to hire so many CPS workers that the involuntary unemployment rate will be 0%.

  17. Kelly

    May 20, 2014 at 1:02 pm

    This bothers me a little because some of these thing can be abuse if they’re taken to the extreme.

    Like smoking. I know plenty of people who smoke and I’d never call it abuse but the way more parents smoked, it was. They were multiple pack a day, unemployed chain smokers who only smoked inside. We had smoker’s coughs before we were 10. We reeked unbelievably every day. Everything we owned reeked. We carried inhalers because we had so many breathing problems but we didn’t have asthma. Our problems started to disappear as soon as we got the hell out of that disgusting house.

    I think it’s abuse. It’s certainly not the only way my parents abused me but I think it counts. I won’t even be slightly surprised if I develop lung cancer someday.

    • Kelly

      May 20, 2014 at 1:05 pm

      *the way MY parents smoked*, not the way more parents smoked, sorry

    • MerlePerle

      May 20, 2014 at 2:22 pm

      I sometimes go to a playgroup where there’s one little girl I can not stand to sit next to. She reeks of cigarette smoke, that poor thing. My husband still is a smoker and I used to be, but never around the children. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through.

    • TheGiantPeach

      May 20, 2014 at 3:09 pm

      My parents were the same. And the smoking in the car was just as bad. Both of them would sit up front with the three of us in the back, just smoking away with one window barely cracked. I absolutely judge parents who do this because I know how those kids feel and I know they are miserable.

  18. SA

    May 20, 2014 at 1:19 pm

    Lemons?! Isn’t that pretty common? I worry because the kid likes to drink salsa when we go out for Mexican. I’m sure the day CPS shows up will be one of the days that she has grabbed the Sriraccha bottle out of the fridge and is sucking on the top of it.

  19. TngldBlue

    May 20, 2014 at 1:34 pm

    Wow that blog is crazy central. I got sucked into the rabbit hole of her studies on why formula feeding will be the ruin of civilization as we know it and it killed my brain.

  20. Amanda

    May 20, 2014 at 1:59 pm

    I sometimes post on the boards over on babycenter (don’t judge me) and just yesterday was involved in a conversation about carseats where a woman said she’d “never torture her children by forcing them to sit three across in a backseat.”

    So, not getting a minivan= torture.

    • SA

      May 20, 2014 at 2:03 pm

      Babycenter carseat discussions are my fave. I feel fairly sure there are going to be some kids riding backward-facing until they graduate.

    • Amanda

      May 20, 2014 at 2:13 pm

      It’s probably gonna be my kids. They’re so bitty and their car seats have such high height/weight limits!

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      May 20, 2014 at 3:11 pm

      I’m glad people are taking rear-facing seriously but some mothers really go fucking apeshit about it. I have a friend who posts pictures of her toddler in the car like 10 times a week #rearfacing #RF #carseatsafety #preciouscargo #peoplewhoFFshouldhavetheirbabytakenaway

    • Amanda

      May 20, 2014 at 3:38 pm

      You should reply with #wegetityoureperfectnowshutupalready

    • brebay

      May 20, 2014 at 10:45 pm

      My youngest only willingly gave up his booster when starting middle school, when the shame of it overpowered the desire to actually be able to see out the window…

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      May 20, 2014 at 3:45 pm

      Babycenter is SO FUN. I accidentally ate a hot dog, should I head to the ER? OB says I can’t lift anything, does DH have to bring in the groceries now? If I swallow semen, am I feeding it to my baby? Will masturbation cause brain damage?

      …………………………Yep. Your mom must have masturbated A LOT.

    • Elissa

      May 20, 2014 at 4:43 pm

      Lulz. Oh, BabyCenter, don’t ever change. My most recent due date group had a discussion on whether or not it was possible to sleep train a fetus. I just…oh. Oh honey, parenthood is going to be fun for you.

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      May 20, 2014 at 4:54 pm

      I’m trying to imagine how you would do this and I think my brain is going to explode.

    • Bethany Ramos

      May 20, 2014 at 4:55 pm

      Dude, you need to email me this. Bethany4goodhealth @ gmail

    • Elissa

      May 20, 2014 at 8:43 pm

      I would if I could find it again! The only thing stupider than the posters at BabyCenter is its search function, apparently.

    • Bethany Ramos

      May 20, 2014 at 9:33 pm

      Dammit, that is pure gold right there!

  21. TheGiantPeach

    May 20, 2014 at 2:25 pm

    I am so glad someone here is finally writing about The Alpha Parent. She is the Queen Sanctimommy of Crazy Bitch Island. I love to hate read there. Her Facebook page is where decency and common sense go to die horrible deaths.

    • whiteroses

      May 20, 2014 at 11:07 pm

      I actually credit The Alpha Parent with my main parenting philosophy. As long as you’re not putting cigarettes out on your kid, who cares. I mean, I can be snarky with the best of them, but The Alpha Parent proved to me once and for all that it really doesn’t matter what we do- someone’s always going to be judging us, so we may as well just do what we think best.

  22. Cruelty Cupcake

    May 20, 2014 at 2:46 pm

    My son loves to eat lemon slices. We still haven’t figured out what’s wrong with him.

  23. Cruelty Cupcake

    May 20, 2014 at 3:42 pm

    EW just clicked the link, I hate the way she bastardized Jill Greenberg’s photo series. It’s supposed to reflect her feelings on the Bush administration–pretty sure I’ve seen a quote somewhere about how hilarious it was to take candy away from kids to get these shots SO YEAH prob not the right photos to choose for this dumb fucking blog post.

  24. Katja Yount

    May 20, 2014 at 4:49 pm

    My mom jokes that my father lead to two instances of child abuse by convincing her to let me “cry it out”. Both times he convinced her to do so it turned out I had terrible ear infections. Lead to partial deafness for almost 3 years after that.

    But as for the pain bit my Dad, within months of the “cry it out” incidents, felt all kinds of ragey when observing the treatment my little sister went through in her early days. She was a bit jaundiced and every morning after being released he would take her into the hospital for blood drawing and injections. The nurse would assure him “It’s ok. Babies have no memory for pain. Once it’s over she’ll be fine.” Day 3 as soon as the nurse would pick up her little foot to make the heel injection she’d yank it away and shriek bloody murder. Luckily when one nurse picked up on the “papa-bear” vibe she suggested taking the baby outside for a couple of hours and leaving her in the sunlight. So one nap under a skylight and that medical mystery cleared itself up and no more heel injections/drawings.

  25. tk88

    May 20, 2014 at 8:38 pm

    These people should be forced to take care of children with Shaken Baby Syndrome, children who’ve contracted STDs from sexual abuse, and children with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. THAT is child abuse. Some of these things mentioned can be damaging if done wrong or excessively–co-sleeping can be dangerous with a heavy sleeping parent and some people feed their children so much junk they develop diabetes. But most of these are just personal choices that don’t adversely affect the kids. People need to lighten up and get concerned about real child abuse instead of freaking formula fed children who are healthy and happy.

  26. Ashley Austrew

    May 20, 2014 at 11:20 pm

    I always wonder what happens to people like the Alpha Parent when their kids grow up. I mean, what do you do when your identity is that wrapped up in parenting and/or being the valedictorian of raising a baby? And how much does it suck for the kids once they get older?

    • whiteroses

      May 20, 2014 at 11:36 pm

      And what if, gods forbid, her daughter decides to formula feed HER children? What then?

  27. Liz

    May 21, 2014 at 3:27 am

    I experienced sexual abuse as a young child and I experienced a few of the things on this list. The actual abuse still effects me to this day and is something I would never wish on anyone ever. Anything that I experienced on this list (like my parents letting me cry it out or
    piercings my ears or feeding me formula after I developed an allergic
    reaction to breast milk)… No trauma and I would do the same with my
    own children.

    I envy people that they can consider these to be
    the worst things to happen to a child. I wish I had that luxury. And I
    hate them so much for making me feel like the shit that happened to me didn’t matter at all.

  28. ChickenKira

    May 21, 2014 at 6:30 am

    I used to get my Mum to cut up lemon wedges for me to suck on when I was 3. I still have a habit of eating lemons now as an adult.

    Turns out that all through my childhood I was abused by being given my favourite fruit, and now I am abusing myself. It’s just a horrible, horrible cycle.

  29. NYCNanny

    May 21, 2014 at 12:08 pm

    “What about key limes?”
    Hahahaha. Thanks for the laugh. 😉

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