I don't know about any of you, but when my kids were in preschool, they basically sucked at crafts more complicated than gluing stuff to a paper plate. At that age, they did not have the manual dexterity, the patience or the interest to sit for longer than 5-10 minutes so besides Fun With Glue and chopping paper to shreds with their blunt little scissors, mine did not do much Mini Martha Stewart-ing.
You would never know that this age group is not the most craft-friendly by browsing Pinterest. If you do a search for "preschool crafts" things come up that I could have barely handled in 4th grade, let alone at four years old. I am just going to have to go ahead and guess that these perfectly Pinteresty results are more the work of an overly eager mommy than a budding, baby artiste- it's very funny to imagine the little ones running laps around their Pottery Barn Kids craft table while mom painstakingly glues googly eyes to the foam core octopus she is "helping" them make. It makes me giggle and hopefully, it will make you giggle too. Behold- my 10 favorite impossible preschool Pinterest crafts:
1. This Craft Will Never Happen Because, Fruit Loops And Goldfish
Sorry, but I refuse to believe any kid has ever completed this craft because, Fruit Loops and Gold Fish crackers. Snacks that no preschooler is able to resist. Also, no 3-5 year old child is going to want to sort and line these up by color. Because again, Fruit Loops and Goldfish crackers. Nom nom nom.
2. Rainbow Of Frustration And Disappointment
At first glance, this one seems easy enough but let's think for a moment about glue. It needs time to dry. Preschoolers are not the most patient bunch and I am twitching thinking about how many times I would have to say "Hang on- can't do the other side until this side is dry! One more minute!" Sweet baby Jesus.
3. Mr. Potato Head Picasso
I'm sure the point of this craft is to learn about the senses and where each face part goes but I can tell you right now- as silly preschoolers, my kids would have thought it hilarious to put Mr. Potato Head's mouth where his left eye should be and his ears somewhere around his forehead. Prettty!
4. These Gorgeous Monster Toilet Rolls Your Kid Could Never Reproduce
Why even set the bar this high, Pinterest? These look like something out of a Tim Burton film. Any parent of a preschooler knows that these toilet paper roll monsters will just be a drippy, unrecognizable mess. Shoot for the moon, I guess.
5. Ok, Now We Are Just Swimming Toward Ridiculous-ville
This is so cute and perfect I want to hang it on my bathroom wall. No preschooler in the world could make this thing. Hell, some moms (raises hand) couldn't make this thing.
6. E Is For Extra-Impossible
I remember doing a weekly ABC homework assignment with my daughter when she was in preschool and they looked nothing like this masterpiece. This looks like something you could buy from the Land of Nod catalog and hang in your baby's nursery. Oh, and we all know what a great preschool crafting medium broken egg shells are. Whatever, Pinterest.
7. A Web Of Fucking Lies
I think we all know that if there is one thing tiny, chubby, preschooler fingers are great at, it's weaving an intricate spider web out of yarn. I mean, that's just science.
8. It's Magically Ridiculous!
Ok, file this one under "Mom Is Making The Entire Thing From Start To Finish". It's adorable, I will admit, but seriously? Are we going to pretend for even a moment that a 4-year old could make this?
9. A Royal Pain
My daughter would have gone bonkers for this in preschool but let's be real here- I was thrilled she could cut something resembling a square at that age. Are we really expecting them to cut out all of the teeny pieces of Rapunzel's rescue scene? I'm sure preschoolers somewhere are equipped with the manual dexterity to handle those miniscule princess googly eyeballs but I've never met one.
10. I Think This Monkey Is Mocking Me
Ugh, shit, so many parts. I'm not sure I could even figure out where they all go. I can picture my kid losing interest by the first leg placement and then it would be me, all alone, drinking wine and assembling a paper plate monkey. Sounds about right. Eff you, Pinterest.
(All craft images: via Pinterest)
(Feature image: Poznyakov/Shutterstock)