Women's Issues

Anonymous Mom: I’m Happily Married With Kids, But I’d Get An Abortion If I Got Pregnant

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Woman-hugging-man-pregnancy-testWhen you picture the type of woman who chooses abortion, it’s unlikely that my face comes to mind. I’m in my thirties. I’m happily married. I have an advanced degree. I believe in the existence of a higher power. I have two beautiful, healthy children. My life is perfect, which is why I wouldn’t hesitate to have an abortion if I became pregnant.

I have a rare fertility condition which includes extremely poor egg quality and abnormal hormone levels. My two gorgeous kids were conceived using all the powers science has to offer and donor eggs. While it is highly unlikely that I would ever ovulate without medical intervention, it’s still a remote possibility.

My OB/GYN and I have had several conversations about what my odds are for having a healthy pregnancy on my own and to use his words, if I became pregnant, “we would need to have a very difficult conversation.” I get it. I have many good qualities that recommend me to others, my egg follicles just aren’t one of them.

If I became pregnant, it’s pretty much a given that any child, were they to survive gestation, would have severe disabilities. I’m not talking about a condition like Down’s Syndrome or having a child that uses a wheelchair. Any baby from my remaining eggs would likely have serious mental and/or physical disabilities that would require extensive, round-the-clock medical care. Which is why I am confident that if I get pregnant, I would have an abortion as soon as possible.

Sure, I could wait until the pregnancy was further along and attempt an advanced ultrasound to assess the health of the baby and try to make a more informed decision, but that would more than likely delay the inevitable. Besides, ultrasounds aren’t always accurate, and I would not want to take the risk of having the ultrasound come back as normal when that’s not the case.

I wouldn’t look at having an abortion as taking a life. Because I know the quality of life for this child would be so severely impacted, bringing them into this world seems selfish. It would seem like I was doing it for the halo others would bestow upon me, doing it for what other people would say and think rather than choosing to take up the challenge because it was something I wanted.

I’m not saying I would be singing and dancing my way into the procedure room either. I don’t want to be put in the position of needing an abortion. If I had to get an abortion, I would be sad at the circumstances. I would be frustrated that my body is unable to grow and birth a healthy baby like other women my age. But I wouldn’t lament what could have been, or shed tears for the healthy baby that won’t be born, because there isn’t a magic wand that can cure my condition and that mythical baby doesn’t exist.

Sure, there is a way to make sure I can never possibly get pregnant. But I’m a young, married woman with a foxy husband and I’m not willing to give up having sex. As an extra measure of precaution, I take oral birth contraceptives instead of the traditional hormone replacement therapy that is often used by other women with my condition. Even though it’s not likely that I would get pregnant, taking the pills feels like a second safety net. But still, I like knowing I have the abortion option there as my fail safe.

I would choose to abort any future pregnancies because of the family I already have, the children who are here now, who receive and deserve my time and attention. It wouldn’t be fair to me to give them a sibling that would drastically impact their lives as they know it. We are currently blessed with the joy of spontaneity, the ability to wake up in the morning and decide to go away for the weekend, to grab dinner out on a whim because we feel like it. We consciously chose not to get a dog or any other pets that need daily care because we are often out and about and wouldn’t be home to take care of it. Having a third child with severe special needs would change my kids lives, and its not fair of me to make that decision for them.

I’m not saying that children with disabilities, even serious ones, shouldn’t exist. I know there are parents who deal with these serious conditions and who would say that they are very happy with their decision to have the baby. That even if they had known about their child’s condition beforehand, they would not have changed a thing. And that’s great, I think they are amazing people. I also think it’s amazing that I live in a country where I can choose not to do the same.

The issue of abortion is constantly in the news and several states have taken recent measures to try and (I would argue illegally) eliminate women’s access abortions. Far too often, the hateful comments about women who seek abortions mislabel them as young, unmarried and immoral. Not correct. Abortion is about not being forced to have a baby you don’t want to have, regardless of the circumstances. I hope that I never find myself in the position of needing an abortion, but if I do, I’m so grateful to have the option.

(Photo: Shutterstock)

110 Comments

  1. cesp

    October 20, 2014 at 2:13 pm

    Good on you :). My only question, while clearly not my business so feel free to tell me to f off, is why would you have to stop having sex to guarantee you can’t get pregnant? My husband just had a vasectomy that only put him out of commission for about a week, and there is typically the option of a tubal for you. Again, just a question.

    • ChelseaBFH

      October 20, 2014 at 2:21 pm

      I had the same question! Not trying to be snarky or judgmental, just genuinely curious, since I’m presuming she’s thought about it. There’s also Essure, which is less invasive than a tubal and would still allow her to have IVF using her husband’s sperm if they decided they wanted another baby.

    • jsterling93

      October 20, 2014 at 5:39 pm

      Insurance only covers some birth control. The requirements currently do not require insurance companies to cover all options. Financially it isn’t easy to pony up the money for some of these options.

      Also a very common argument for preventing pregnancy is to just not have sex. So I read this as a comment directed at that often suggested “advice.”

    • ChelseaBFH

      October 20, 2014 at 6:42 pm

      That’s what I assumed.* I guess I just thought it was strange that she explained why she isn’t celibate (which I’d never think to question), but didn’t even bring up a pretty common and widely-used solution to the “we’re sure we don’t want any more kids” dilemma. I’m sure she has a good reason, since she seems to have thought things out pretty well, and I was curious to know what it was.

      *I also thought that maybe since she said she was going to have to take hormone pills anyway, taking birth control pills was just as easy and less of a hassle.

    • CT Guest

      October 20, 2014 at 9:38 pm

      Even if my husband had to pay oop for his vasectomy (his ins covered it 100%), the total cost was $750 for everything – consult, surgery, post op check, meds, 2 semen analyses post op and I’m in the metro NYC area. I’m sure it’s less expensive in other parts of the US. I know that is probably a lot of money for some folks, but it’s about the same as an early term abortion (about $700 in my area), about the same as an IUD ($600 and that’s good for only 5-10 years) and would cover about 2 years of non-generic BCP (assuming $40 a month or so) and I’d be willing to make a LOT of sacrifices for peace of mind in a situation were I knew getting pg would be dangerous, difficult, undesirable, etc. In any case, vasectomy is the best birth control EVER in my opinion. My husband was swollen/in mild pain for three days following the procedure, uncomfortable for about a week and then 100% back to normal. The hardest part was continuing to use BC while we waited for the testing to confirm the vasectomy worked. In terms of bang for the buck (pardon the pun), the vasectomy is the best $ spent on BC in terms of effectiveness, safety and longevity.

    • Ursi

      October 20, 2014 at 2:25 pm

      My reason may not the same as the writer’s but I can give you a good reason.

      For me, the cost of the procedure is too prohibitive and is not covered. We use two methods plus we are very VERY careful about when. So in effect, it does cause us to abstain a lot.

      I could not in good conscience ask my husband to get a vasectomy. He is younger than I am and will be fertile for a long time. If I were to die I want him to be able to have children with another partner without having to worry about getting that reversed.

    • Andrea

      October 20, 2014 at 2:50 pm

      That never crossed my mind and I don’t think it crossed his either. I think he was certain he didn’t want any more children regardless of the circumstance. But if he had pulled that argument, I think I’d pretty pissed anyways. You are a pretty selfless person to even consider it.

    • Ursi

      October 20, 2014 at 2:55 pm

      It’s not as selfless as it looks on the surface. In order to marry me he’s had to give up being a father. Children were a dealbreaker for me. Because he loves me more than he wants kids we are married. It would be selfish of me to ask him to have a vasectomy knowing full well that if he remarried young enough he would want a child. I have to put his best interests at heart, I’m his wife.

    • Andrea

      October 20, 2014 at 2:57 pm

      I guess I can understand that. Different than my situation for sure since we already had 2 kids.

    • CrazyFor Kate

      October 20, 2014 at 5:56 pm

      Depending on where you are, access may also be difficult and if you don’t have a lot of kids (or no kids), or are under a certain age, the doctor might be dickish about doing the operation. Plus, both ligations and vasectomies can fail on rare occasions!

    • SA

      October 20, 2014 at 2:36 pm

      Vasectomies aren’t 100%.

    • Andrea

      October 20, 2014 at 2:54 pm

      We have talked about this in here before and it always amazes me. Of course it is not 100% but the odds of people getting pregnant post-vasectomy are astronomically low.
      When my husband had his, the urologist went through the stats with us and it is actually close to impossible. He explained that post-vasectomy pregnancies are 99.99999% explained by two factors: (1) the couple didn’t use protection during the recovery period (6 weeks and 10 ejaculations) or (2) the man didn’t come in for his post-op check up after 6 weeks to make sure the procedure took. He didn’t mention possibility number 3 (my personal odds on favorite): that isn’t his baby.

      If those two conditions are met, the odds of a post-vasectomy are practically nil.

    • emilyg25

      October 20, 2014 at 3:10 pm

      No, just 99.9%.

    • Daniella Sloane Alberts

      October 21, 2014 at 12:16 pm

      my husband and i have been together for almost 10 years.
      he had a vasectomy right before we met.
      guess it worked 100% for him because we’ve never had a pregnancy scare.

    • AParr

      October 20, 2014 at 2:47 pm

      She said that she wasn’t willing to give up having sexy time with her husband and instead used oral contraceptives for an extra cushion of protection 🙂

    • shel

      October 20, 2014 at 2:57 pm

      I took that comment as being a response to all of the dickwads out there who talk about how you wouldn’t need an abortion (or your insurance to pay for birth control) if you just kept your legs closed.
      That is always one of the main arguments agains abortion and birth control coverage- don’t have sex and you won’t need it… learn some self control, blah blah blah.
      So I figured that was what that line was referencing.

  2. mrs. mitch

    October 20, 2014 at 2:19 pm

    “Far too often, the hateful comments about women who seek abortions mislabel them as young, unmarried and immoral.”

    I think about this a lot. When I unexpectedly found myself pregnant as a young adult, my very Catholic mother surprised me and sat down to discuss my options. When she was in her early 40s and had returned to work after years of being a SAHM, she had an abortion. She, a married, religious woman, knew what parenthood entailed and decided that she didn’t want to start all over again. It’s not something she’s open about, but she didn’t regret her choice, and knew it was the best option for both her and our family. Whose business is/was it besides her and her doctor to make this choice?

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  3. Colleen

    October 20, 2014 at 2:20 pm

    Bravo on this article!

  4. Jen TheTit Whisperer

    October 20, 2014 at 2:24 pm

    Thank you for this. All too often the thought is that abortion must be for these poor too stupid slutty women. Abortion is for every woman for whatever her own reason is. So thank you for sharing Sometimes. a baby is very wanted and loved, but the end result is the same.

  5. keelhaulrose

    October 20, 2014 at 2:30 pm

    I completely get what you’re saying. Even though my daughter’s autism is “mild” and she doesn’t have physical limitations we are much more constrained in what we can do with her versus what we were able to do with her “normal” sister at three. I wouldn’t think twice about taking big one (the “normal” child) to the zoo on a whim by myself, I would think twice about taking little one because it’s not as simple. I have a tubal ligation after my last pregnancy, but after I was told my chances of having another autistic child are greater because I already have one I’m ready for hubby to take preventative measures as well. I just don’t think it would be right for my family to bring another child in, and, with little one the way she is and my tendency to have tough pregnancies, I don’t think I’d even be able to keep my family carrying a child to term for adoption.
    In the end its all about choice. It shouldn’t be anyone’s choice but the woman’s and her partner of she decides to include him. Not everyone wanting an abortion is some slut using it as birth control (fuck that argument a million ways), but that’s the portrayal the anti cove people put out because it’s easier to condemn a “sluts”actions than that of a woman like you.

    • lucky

      October 20, 2014 at 4:56 pm

      I feel exactly the same way. My youngest is autistic and pretty severely affected. I too was worried about another child with autism. Had my tubes tied as well. People have asked me in the past if I would have had my son knowing he would be so disabled. I honestly can’t answer that question. I know I’m supposed to say of course I would, but I’m really not so sure

    • Wildtimpusmom

      October 20, 2014 at 5:03 pm

      I cannot understand why someone would ask you that question. I as a human being I apologize for that person’s rude question.

    • whiteroses

      October 20, 2014 at 5:12 pm

      It’s impossible to know the answer to that. Would any of us always say, 24/7, 365, no matter the individual issues we have with our kids, that we would still have them knowing what we know now?

    • keelhaulrose

      October 20, 2014 at 5:17 pm

      I’m sorry you were asked that. And I agree there is no way to answer it. Of course we love our children, but it’s so impactful on your life and you worry about their future that is hard to say “of course I’d have them!”

    • Lackadaisical

      October 20, 2014 at 5:26 pm

      To be honest I think that is a harsh and prying question to ask. Asking it puts pressure the other person to put on a brave smile and say all is well and you wouldn’t have it any other way and thus diminishes the hard parts and the other persons freedom to vent (even if you do genuinely feel it to be worth it). A person would have to feel fairly trusting and close to another person to admit that given hindsight they are are not absolutely sure they would have had their child, if nothing else then out of fear of saying it getting back to the child or to another relative who would be less understanding. There is also a difference between knowing how hard it is so choosing not to have a child who hasn’t been born yet and so you haven’t met and wishing away your existing child but not everyone who asks the question would understand that.

  6. C.J.

    October 20, 2014 at 3:17 pm

    We always figured if I got pregnant a third time we would have the baby. We weren’t planning on any more because I hemorraged when have the two giant babies we already have. We would have been happy about an unplanned baby even though we didn’t want anymore. Then I had the stroke. Now it is not safe to have another baby with my physical condition and the medications I take. My first day in the hospital my neurologist looked at my husband and you know you have to go get a vesectomy now right. I can’t take hormonal birth control any more and the doctors wont do any unnecessary surgeries on me so my husband getting fixed was the best option. If I were to get pregnant I would have no choice but to abort. I would have a hard time with that because of my personal beliefs. My husband made sure to go for the check up so hopefully I will never have to worry about it.

  7. Hibbie

    October 20, 2014 at 3:28 pm

    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: some people care WAY too much about the goings on of uteri. If it’s not “don’t have an abortion” then it’s “you should have/consider having an abortion.” I have medical issues that make my current pregnancy high-risk and while most people are supportive (if curious) about my decision to go through a second pregnancy, some people are just straight up assholes. “Why are you doing this? What are you thinking?!” etc, etc, etc. My team of docs have given me the go ahead, so what business is it of anyone’s? I’m sick of having to answer about my decision.

  8. lpag

    October 20, 2014 at 3:57 pm

    I find the same to be true of birth control. Politicians yak on about how all the people using it are slutty college co-eds, when in reality, it’s mostly people in committed relationships who don’t want to be the Duggars. I have some ethical/religious issues with abortion (though not birth control- give people all of the birth control! It leads to fewer abortions AND fewer unwanted babies!) but I do think it needs to be legal. I just hate these depictions that only X type of person would ever need it. Not only do Y and Z type people need these things too, but in fact, Y and Z may be more common than X. These issues matter for everyone. And BTW, Mom, you don’t need to be anonymous (well, I get maybe you don’t want to discuss your medical details under your name). But if more people like you would come out and say these things are relevant to me too, politicians wouldn’t get away with painting the skewed pictures that they do.

  9. KaeTay

    October 20, 2014 at 4:24 pm

    all I have to say is if you are done having kids; then just get a hysterectomy… problem solved. You can’t see the idea of cutting the baby factory about any worse than an abortion.

    • CMJ

      October 20, 2014 at 4:29 pm

      No. Just stop. This is a horrible comment. A hysterectomy is a MAJOR surgery. An abortion is not.

    • KaeTay

      October 20, 2014 at 4:30 pm

      My sister had one, is a nurse…it’s not that major of a surgery and it’s more responsible. if you know you can’t have any more healthy children and will be subjected to an abortion you might as well be responsible and just cut it off ahead of time.

    • CMJ

      October 20, 2014 at 4:32 pm

      Yeah…they don’t just cut out your uterus because you don’t want kids anymore. They take it out for other reasons. I would love to see what her insurance company (and her doctor) would say about that suggestion.

    • Aldonza

      October 20, 2014 at 4:33 pm

      Yeah, my Mom had a hysterectomy for medical reasons and it was not a minor procedure, nor is it something one just “does”. Plus, there’s other complications that can happen as a result.

    • KaeTay

      October 20, 2014 at 4:34 pm

      ok maybe I picked the wrong word let me aim for “tubes tied”. You take offense so easily..

    • CMJ

      October 20, 2014 at 4:36 pm

      You’re right. My fault for not assuming you meant tubes tied. totes same thing.

    • KaeTay

      October 20, 2014 at 4:36 pm

      I always categorized it as a subsection of female sterilization. so you can lose the snarky bitchy attitude.. jesus cool your jets

    • CMJ

      October 20, 2014 at 4:42 pm

      I’m sorry. But telling someone to just “get a hysterectomy” is pretty bitchy too. And I was only snarky when you told me I take offense easily…in response to something that was pretty offensive.

    • miss cee

      October 20, 2014 at 4:38 pm

      “It takes about six to eight weeks to fully recover after having an abdominal hysterectomy. Recovery times are often shorter after a vaginal or laparoscopy hysterectomy.”

      Thats a hell of a recovery time just to avoid using other forms of birth control. Also, “more responsible”… people who take regular birth control are responsible. Not choosing to remove a sizable portion of your reproductice organs doesnt make someone less responsible.

    • KaeTay

      October 20, 2014 at 4:40 pm

      I edited my initial post.. you should check it out…it took you quite a long time to type that out.

    • miss cee

      October 20, 2014 at 4:49 pm

      Oh gosh… sorry for being on a mobile and not having comments load immediately I guess? Ill make my phone work faster in future.

    • whiteroses

      October 20, 2014 at 5:14 pm

      My mom had a hysterectomy three years ago and was out of commission for months. Can we talk about how simple and easy that was for her?

    • miss cee

      October 20, 2014 at 4:30 pm

      “Just” get a hysterectomy? Like its the easiest thing ever? That is a HUGE surgery. You dont “just” get a hysterectomy.

    • KaeTay

      October 20, 2014 at 4:32 pm

      so you see getting a hysterectomy as a bigger decision then an abortion? You know I’m pro-choice but I still see the embryo as a fetus (since I heard my daughters heartbeat as an embryo).. A hysterectomy will have less of a mental impact on the woman then say.. possibly multiple abortions.

    • miss cee

      October 20, 2014 at 4:41 pm

      Who are you to say what has less of a mental impact? That is completely down to the individual. Plenty of people have abortions and manage to go about their lives with no impact afterwards. Some people who have hysterectomys dont feel right in themselves afterwards. Your personal feelings are not the same as everyone elses.

    • Jen TheTit Whisperer

      October 20, 2014 at 4:47 pm

      Doctors don’t just offer hysterectomies just because. There has to be a serious medical need. No matter how “done” a woman wants to be.

    • Ursi

      October 20, 2014 at 4:58 pm

      I’m in the no-kids camp and I cannot morally obtain an abortion. Where is the doctor who will sterilize me, a woman with no children of child-bearing age, without giving me a fucking sermon or telling me I’ll change my mind or flat out refusing me? Where is the money going to come from for the procedure? How am I going to get the time off to recover?

      This is not a solution for a lot of people.

    • Rose

      October 20, 2014 at 5:03 pm

      This is true. A good friend of mine begged several OB/GYNs over the course of 10 years because she *knew* she didn’t want children. At 35, she finally found a doctor who would tie her tubes.

    • Valerie

      October 20, 2014 at 5:05 pm

      Doctors refused to tie my mother’s tubes after 2 kids because at 26, she was deemed “too young”.

    • C.J.

      October 21, 2014 at 12:27 am

      That’s how we got my brother. My mom wanted her tubes tied after my sister was born when she was 22. The doctor told her to come back when she was 25 and she still wanted it done he would do it then. She couldn’t take the pill anymore, she was having too many side effects. The condom broke a few weeks before her appointment to have it done. My mother doesn’t believe in abortion so we got a brother. She refused to leave the hospital after he was born until her tubes were tied.

    • jmgwd

      October 21, 2014 at 9:53 am

      My SIL was only able to convince her doctor to tie her tubes at 21 (after her second birth) when she told him she was now going to be raising 4 children (brother had 2 kids from a previous relationship that she was raising). I had my second child at 26, and my doctor wouldn’t even consider tying my tubes as an option.

    • NotTakenNotAvailableWTFDisqus

      October 20, 2014 at 8:40 pm

      Slightly OT, but if you have a chronic condition of any sort, it’s a lot easier to plead your case. But then, you’d also want to have a veeeerrrry sympathetic insurance company, because I don’t even want to know how much it costs without that coverage. X(

    • Alicia

      October 20, 2014 at 9:00 pm

      about $40k

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      October 20, 2014 at 11:07 pm

      Yike!!!! Thanks, killer mountain, for nearly killing me this summer! O_O

    • MerlePerle

      October 21, 2014 at 2:59 am

      For a sterilisation? That is crazy! German insurance companies don’t cover tubal ligitation unless a pregnancy would Pose major mental or physical danger for a woman, but the procedure is around 1000€ for the ligitation and 1300€ for the essure method respectively. Everytime I see American hospital bills, I feel like someone just put down random numbers!

    • Alicia

      October 21, 2014 at 9:36 am

      The $40k would be for a hysterectomy. Tubal ligation depends on which way they go. Laproscopic (sp?) is probably around $1000, the Essure, I think runs about $800. To have it done surgically as a separate procedure from say a C-section, would probably run about $10k, by the time all the anesthesia, operating room fees, surgical fees, dr fees (you get the picture) get added on. I

    • MerlePerle

      October 21, 2014 at 10:02 am

      That sounds a little more reasonable. Although 40k still sounds like a lot. In Germany, however, a hysterectomy would still be free if advised by doctor. Your insurance (and almost everybody has insurance) would have to pay for it.

    • Ursi

      October 20, 2014 at 9:36 pm

      I do have one hell of a painful cycle but my insurance is not as comprehensive as I would need for this kind of coverage. It’s just not in my future at our income level.

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      October 20, 2014 at 11:06 pm

      Oh, that sucks on so many levels. I hope your insurance company sees the light someday soon. :/

    • Kelly

      October 20, 2014 at 5:14 pm

      Medically, yes. A hysterectomy is major surgery, done under general anesthesia, and carries greater risks than an abortion. Do us all a favor and don’t presume that you know what the relative mental impact of any medical procedure will be on anyone other than yourself. You don’t speak for all women. We’re all perfectly capable of deciding what’s best for ourselves, thanks very much.

    • Jen TheTit Whisperer

      October 20, 2014 at 5:26 pm

      You are associating feelings you have to another person. Abortions before 9 weeks require no surgery and in theory no major down time. Even a “real” abortion is easier to recover from than tubal ligation. So for you it would be better to have surgery. Not everyone else.

    • KarenMS

      October 20, 2014 at 6:57 pm

      You absolutely 100% can’t speak to the mental impact it has on individual women. Mine came with relief, not a shred of guilt, no regrets in the past 7 years, and happiness at building my life the way I want it.

    • NotTakenNotAvailableWTFDisqus

      October 20, 2014 at 8:48 pm

      Agreed with everybody else who said that individuals view the world individually. Also, tubal ligation/hysterectomies/tubal occlusion/whatever you were trying to get at in the first place is permanent. Really permanent. Theoretically, if you were in the position where you needed to have an abortion in the first place (I say theoretically because I know there are commenters who have had abortions and subsequently found out they could not have children), you would probably be able to get pregnant again at another, more convenient time. So from an admittedly cold perspective, I could easily see how an abortion would have minimal emotional impact compared to permanent sterilization.

    • Alicia

      October 20, 2014 at 8:59 pm

      I can’t speak for someone having had an abortion. But I can tell you, as a 33 year old woman who HAD to have a hysterectomy last fall, this surgery can have a HUGE mental impact. Yes there’s the perk of never having a period again, never having to buy pads or tampons again. But there are a lot of risks, and it’s very depressing being told that you will never have any more children. I wonder if you’d ask this mom if she’d want to be pregnant again if she had a 100% guarantee for a healthy child.

      Also, a hysterectomy is never an elective procedure, whereas a tubal ligation is. It took me nearly 4 months to feel “normal” again.

    • KaeTay

      October 20, 2014 at 4:39 pm

      I meant: Tubes tied… which is still a better decision then an abortion or possibly multiple ones. it’s safer on the mind and body

    • Jessica Johnson

      October 20, 2014 at 4:56 pm

      Yeah, considering you said “You can’t see the idea of cutting the baby factory out any worse than an abortion.” I’m not buying that you meant “having your tubes tied” rather than “hysterectomy”.

      Also, having had an abortion myself I think I’m in a position to tell you that while it does hurt like a sonofabitch (just run away if a male doctor tells you *anything* will feel like a mild period cramp. No good ever comes from that statement. They said the same thing when I had a cervical biopsy, and they are lying… or mild period cramps are a whole lot more painful than I ever thought), recovery time is pretty quick. Because they don’t cut you open like they do for a tubal ligation or a hysterectomy. Sure they can do those laproscopically (sp?) these days, but it’s still surgery on parts in the middle of you, so it’s going to take a while to heal from that.

    • NotTakenNotAvailableWTFDisqus

      October 20, 2014 at 8:35 pm

      When I was looking into options for permanent sterilization, my gyno quickly dismissed the full-on tubal ligation in favor of Essure because surgery–ANY surgery–carries a number of risks and a significant recovery time. I obviously opted for the Essure, since it has the same end result (no ability for the ovaries to release eggs) with far less risk. I do not, however, know what that would have cost if I hadn’t met the deductible on my insurance earlier this summer and therefore had the placement done for free, but I’m guessing it would have been really hefty out of pocket or even with a copay. Besides, there may be some other reason OP doesn’t want to get permanently sterilized, and if that’s the case, it’s absolutely her right not to do so.

    • Mehra Sarethi's new acct.

      October 21, 2014 at 12:09 am

      “Still a better desicion than abortion or possibly multiple ones. It’s safer on the mind and body”.

      You’re obviously pulling info out of your ass. First trimester abortions are safe and don’t include surgery (the abortion pill. I believe it works up to 8 weeks gestation). Even surgical abortions are safer and easier on the body than a tubal ligation. There’s no anesthesia and physical recovery is quicker.

      You can’t speak for women’s mental states after an abortion. I think the small number of women who feel bad afterwards only feel bad because of the crazy anti choicers who equate removing a clump of cells to the murder of a born person.

    • break_time

      October 21, 2014 at 11:59 am

      Having had both, the tubal was harder on my body. But thanks for weighing in on which was the better decision.

    • Valerie

      October 20, 2014 at 4:42 pm

      My mother is 57 and BRCA positive, which means she has a higher likelihood of developing both breast and ovarian cancers in her lifetime. So she is 57, at risk for developing multiple female cancers and several years past menopause and her doctors STILL very carefully weighed the decision to do a hysterectomy because of the associated risks. Having a hysterectomy while still of child-bearing age carries with it even more risks.

    • CMJ

      October 20, 2014 at 4:43 pm

      VAL SHE MEANT TUBES TIED TOTES THE SAME THING WE ARE JUST TOO SENSITIVE.

    • Valerie

      October 20, 2014 at 4:44 pm

      Oh mah Lawd.

    • Valerie

      October 20, 2014 at 4:50 pm

      Watch your language. It was your error and an offensive thing to say. People have a right to get upset about it.

    • CMJ

      October 20, 2014 at 4:51 pm

      It’s not even in the same spectrum of things.

    • Jen TheTit Whisperer

      October 20, 2014 at 5:09 pm

      “Just” have surgery? When they could utilize one of the options? For real.

    • WriterLady

      October 20, 2014 at 5:46 pm

      My SIL had a hysterectomy last year. She had the abdominal kind, which is the invasive type (as opposed to a laparoscopy). As is the case with any major surgery, something went awry and she nearly bled out. She spent the next 6 weeks in the hospital recovering. A hysterectomy is not minor surgery, and there is no one-size-fits-all model. Also, as others have said, may insurance companies won’t cover certain procedures that are not deemed medically necessary.

    • Valerie

      October 20, 2014 at 7:42 pm

      Liking because you are absolutely right- not because I am glad that happened to your SIL. I sincerely hope she is ok- that sounds really traumatizing.

    • WriterLady

      October 21, 2014 at 5:55 am

      Thank you, Valerie! It was a very unlikely mishap, but one that is not completely uncommon. I would venture to say the risk is the same for any open surgery. She had the procedure done at a fairly small, local hospital (local to her–not me), and they really weren’t prepared to handle the unfortunate outcome on a long-term basis. So, they were able to stabilize her enough at the original hospital to prepare for a 30-minute ambulance transfer to a major hospital in Cleveland. Thankfully, she is good health now (despite some minor complications). Thank you again!

    • TheQuirkyDiva

      October 20, 2014 at 6:19 pm

      Massive unrecognized privilege. Check. Giving medical advice without the background to do so. Check. Psychoanalyzing people you don’t know. Check. And the cherry on top of adding a correction only mildly more stupid than the original post. My congratulations, madam, on combining so many classic trolling elements into one concise post.

    • LA Face, Oakland Booty (and

      October 21, 2014 at 8:20 am

      You forgot “Presuming to know better than other women, strangers to you, about their physical and mental health.

    • 2Well

      October 20, 2014 at 9:52 pm

      Now where are the doctors who actually trust a woman to make a decision for herself rather than tell her that “she will change her mind.” I know I am young, but I see my decision to not procreate as cutting off the crazy. The world is better off. However, doctors see all women as future mommies. It seems like they prefer abortions to sterilization.

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      October 20, 2014 at 11:02 pm

      They do exist! They’re hard to come by, and they will warn you about the permanence and the statistics on regret later in life (the vast majority of women do not regret their decisions, however), but the wondrous few will do it as long as you have some way of funding it. Though there are also insurance policies that will cover it, because they would rather pay for a one-time procedure than scads of prenatal care farther down the line.

    • Jen TheTit Whisperer

      October 21, 2014 at 10:09 am

      That is the thing that gets me. I would be comfortably saying the vast majority of women (and men) who seek out medical professionals to ensure that they will not reproduce are quite confident and comfortable with that decision and are looking for that permanency and will not experience regret. Exceptions to every rule of course, but my guess would be that those who are talking to doctors aren’t on the fence or having hesitations. They know.

    • 2Well

      October 21, 2014 at 5:10 pm

      My insurance covers it, I do believe. I just live in the Bible Belt (which I can’t really leave because I don’t do North and snow.)

    • Mehra Sarethi's new acct.

      October 20, 2014 at 11:59 pm

      Getting your tubes tied isn’t as easy as it sounds. If you’re “too young” (women up in their mid thirties can be told they’re too young) they won’t do it. Some doctors won’t do it if you haven’t had a kid because you might “change your mind” (even though the whole flipping point is NOT to have a kid in the first place).

      You know what’s easier to obtain and easier on a woman’s body? Abortion.

  10. jen27

    October 20, 2014 at 4:50 pm

    I fully second this. I am also married with a child and a stable life, but I would get an abortion if I ever got pregnant again. Partly it is because I have been told that doing so could result in my death since I almost died during my last pregnancy. But mostly it is because I don’t want any more children. My husband and I take plenty of precautions to prevent me from ever being pregnant, but if it came down to it I would definitely not hesitate to get an abortion.

  11. ImDownWitGOPyeahUknowMe

    October 20, 2014 at 5:02 pm

    Thank you for sharing your experience and story with us. It is truly enlightening. My husband and I are both devout Catholics, and we have raised our two daughters in the Catholic faith as well. Abortion has always been a very difficult and conflicting topic for me personally, as a Catholic woman and a mother. Like many other topics covered here on Mommyish, while we each have our opinions, when all is said and done it’s not our business. As one Mommyish reader put it, “Not my monkeys, not my circus.”

    Quick little bit of trivia for those out there who have ever wondered what the Catholic church’s issue is with abortion: in a nutshell, the Catholic Church (CC) believes that all human life is precious, and it is not up to another human being to decide when life ends. In cases where the mothers life is at risk as a result of the pregnancy, the way they view it is that all life is equally precious. By aborting a baby to save the mother, we are essentially saying that the mothers life is more important than the child’s life. In cases of rape or incest, the CC mandates that “healthcare providers have a duty to provide this care and to prevent the contraction of disease or the conception of a child.” However, if a child is conceived despite early efforts to prevent conception, then aborting the baby is just (in essence) continuing the acts if violence. They view the unborn baby as an innocent victim of the violent act, just as the rape victim is an innocent victim. In the eyes of the CC, it is more loving to support the rape victim in her time of crisis by providing emotional and spiritual support, rather than helping her to commit another act of violence against her baby.

    The more you know *queue the shooting star and cheesy music*

    The reason I included that explanation is because there is often a lot of anger and hateful words directed at the CC and their pro-life stance. I am not trying to sway anyone’s opinion or get all preachy. I simply wanted to share the reasons behind the CC’s teachings so that those who didn’t know could understand at least where those beliefs come from.

    As a Catholic woman, wife, and mother, I think it’s important to note that in the end, all the issues that the CC has stances on aside, above all else the church teaches us that love and compassion are at the root of the faith. I have friends that have had abortions for different reasons and I do not judge them. That’s not my place. I will share my opinion if and when they ask (and ONLY then), but my primary role is to love and support them in difficult times. Whether or not I agree with their choice is irrelevant.

    As women and as mothers we all know that life as a parent is difficult and stressful enough. Shaming one another and judging one another helps nothing and hurts everything. Regardless of our personal beliefs we are all moms here. Let’s love and support one another. It can only make life easier.

    • Wicked Prophet Kay Sue

      October 20, 2014 at 5:23 pm

      In all seriousness, anytime a Catholic–or any Christian–brings this up, I find myself wondering if they’ve ever read Numbers 5. Not being snarky, just honest.

    • rockmonster

      October 20, 2014 at 5:42 pm

      Oh my.

    • momjones

      October 20, 2014 at 6:06 pm

      I have to be honest with you – As a 62 year old Catholic woman, wife, mother and grandmother, who also worked for the Catholic Church for 38 years, I certainly wouldn’t have referred to Church teaching as “a quick bit of trivia.” Furthermore, most Mommyish readers who comment back their comments with facts, and they most likely know about the Church’s pro-life stance, I find it a tad condescending that you need to preach (you are being “preachy”) to readers and to remind them how “love and compassion are at the root of the faith.” People are acutely aware of that; it’s the hypocrisy which most (myself included) find abhorrent. Also, it sounds to me like you are pro-choice, since you explicitly state that you do not judge those you know who have had abortions, nor do you share your opinion or try to stop (my inference?) them…Unless you really aren’t, and you are just telling everyone else to “love and support one another.”

    • Shadow

      October 20, 2014 at 10:12 pm

      I don’t think she is being preachy. To each their own 🙂

    • Shadow

      October 20, 2014 at 10:17 pm

      To be fair, I’m a pretty devout Catholic and while I would not choose abortion for myself (unless to save my life), I’ve supported friends who have chosen to have the procedure for whatever reason they darn well please. Does it hurt to watch them hurt? Absolutely, but it is their choice. Many people do not realize that one can be Christian and pro-choice. Anyway providing some background is nice, so I don’t think she sounded condescending.

    • Lily

      October 21, 2014 at 5:35 am

      I agree, this drips with condescension. If someone didn’t think one of your listed explanations were the reason, what conclusion do you think is drawn, that the Catholic Church just randomly chose to frown on abortion? My snippet of quick trivia is this: most pro-choicers already know this and don’t agree. The more you know.

      “I will share my opinion if and when [my friends] ask.” The rest of the world isn’t immune though, huh? Or, is this the way you “don’t judge” your friends to their faces? In that case, you might not come off as objectively supportive as you think.

      That’s just my opinion though, what do I know.

    • Lily

      October 21, 2014 at 5:37 am

      (to clarify, only the agreement was directed at you, Momjones)

    • Andrea

      October 20, 2014 at 6:50 pm

      One wonders: a devout Catholic and only two children? Hmmmmmmmm

    • Shadow

      October 20, 2014 at 10:10 pm

      Stereotyping much? My family is Catholic and I’m an only child…*gasp* on purpose!

    • Allen

      October 20, 2014 at 9:30 pm

      I think most people are aware of where the church is coming from. As a former Catholic, I know church teaching very well. I just disagree with it.

    • LPerniciaro

      October 20, 2014 at 10:25 pm

      Very well put. Thank you for sharing.

  12. CrazyFor Kate

    October 20, 2014 at 5:58 pm

    There is no “right reason” to want an abortion. It should always, always, always be the choice of the mother/parents. Even if you’re the healthiest, wealthiest, most stable person on earth, you shouldn’t have to justify why you want to live your life the way you choose.

  13. TheQuirkyDiva

    October 20, 2014 at 6:12 pm

    If I got pregnant again, I’d get an abortion because I don’t want another baby. We need to be able to say that. Without lengthy explanations, justification, or shame.

  14. Caitlin

    October 20, 2014 at 8:44 pm

    Just curious, why not get a tubal? Seems like a more concrete birth control method, and you really wouldn’t have to worry about being in this situation.

    • NotTakenNotAvailableWTFDisqus

      October 20, 2014 at 8:54 pm

      AM’s insurance might not cover it at all, or there may be a hefty co-pay. She may also have been deemed “too young to make such a permanent decision” (insert gagging noise here) by her doctor. Those are the most obvious reasons I could think of off the top of my head.

  15. NotTakenNotAvailableWTFDisqus

    October 20, 2014 at 8:59 pm

    There are still three months in which I could theoretically get pregnant. I would absolutely have an abortion if that happened, because I do not want to have kids, ever. You’ve got your own reasons, AM, and they are absolutely legitimate. But I also think any reason to have an abortion (or not) is absolutely legitimate.

  16. footnotegirl

    October 20, 2014 at 10:40 pm

    This shouldn’t be an unpopular opinion. Were you to get pregnant, abortion is clearly your best choice and, more importantly THE CHOICE YOU WANT.
    The only qualm I have is that perhaps it’s time for hubby to get a vasectomy or for you to get tubes tied or something. But again, your bodies, your choices.

  17. Mehra Sarethi's new acct.

    October 20, 2014 at 10:59 pm

    Women deserve the right to have an abortion. For any reason, no questions asked. I wish our society could progress to that level of acceptance of a woman’s right to choose. Sadly there’s more people who value an unborn clump of cells over a sentient, developed person.

    With that being said, if I were to get pregnant I’d get an abortion right away. My medical conditions make pregnancy too risky for my health.

  18. val97

    October 21, 2014 at 11:05 am

    I’m also in my thirties with two kids, and if I got pregnant, I would for sure have an abortion. It shouldn’t matter what the reasons are (My husband had a vasectomy, so it’s extremely unlikely that it would ever happen).

  19. Penelope

    October 21, 2014 at 1:30 pm

    I’m a married woman with an 8 month old baby. I just made the decision to abort an unplanned pregnancy. We could afford it and life would go on but that’s not the point. I didn’t want another child so soon and thankfully neither did my husband. I owe no excuses. I did what was right for my family.

  20. Maria

    October 24, 2014 at 5:11 pm

    I know I’ll be criticised a lot for saying this but although I respect her decision I think that a human no matter what disability they may have, can provide the world with so many wonderful things. I don’t see how bringing a new life into the world can be selfish especially just because they would have a disability. It is obviously scary and daunting but it should be a right for all these kids and their mothers to have the proper care they deserve so they don’t feel so helpless. By the way I am not saying she is helpless, I am talking about other mothers who are in more difficult situations.

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