Week 1: Understanding The Body You No Longer Recognize
-Don't Effing Touch Me: Dealing with people who touch your belly without asking.
-Do That Again And I'll Fart On You: How to handle partners who want to touch your rack all the time.
-Why Is There Jello In My Underwear?: All the gross ways your body will rebel on you during pregnancy.
Week 2: Diet & Exercise Tips You Won't Actually Follow
-Watching a corny video about fruits and vegetables.
-Awkward circle time where you lie about what you had for lunch.
-Going over a handout of a ton of shit you're not supposed to eat but will probably have sometimes anyway.
-Stopping for a burger on the way home.
Week 3: Preparing For A Drug Free Labor
-Hypnobirthing, birthing in the wild, orgasmic births and other hipster created names for what was once simply called "push like you're trying to poop."
-Round Table Discussion: Tub births- does being wet really distract you from your contractions?
A sampling of hot sauces from around the world to determine your pain threshold.
Week 4: Epidurals, The Nectar Of The Gods
-How to make friends with the anesthesiologist.
-You Don't Really Want To Leave Your Partner: Understanding the Florence Nightingale effect.
- Timed practice sessions for sitting very, very still.
- How to tip the anesthesiologist in case there's a long wait list. *birthing partners please bring cash to practice.
Week 5: Shit Just Got Real- What To Expect In The Delivery Room
-"I Didn't Mean To Call You That"- How to be a supportive partner to a laboring woman who's pissed at you.
-The First Birth- Learning to look each other in the face again after one of you just shit on the delivery table.
- "What's That Smell?'- Understanding that books and videos can't prepare your nose for the delivery room.
Week 6: Evacuation Planning
-What Goes In Must Come Out: Coming to terms with the fact that you have to actually give birth.
- Vaginal births vs. C-Sections: Whether they're on your tummy or down below, we all get stitches in the end.
Watching a live birth video while eating pasta and sauce.
Week 7: Preparing For Life As A Parent*
-Driving through an obstacle course to mimic potential road hazards that could exsist the day you bring your baby home.
-Caring for a robo-doll baby simulator.
*In order to more fully simulate the experience of first time parents, this class will meet promptly at 2:30 am. Please sleep for no more than 1 1/2 hours prior to class time.
Week 8: Wrap-up
-Answering any final questions.
-Assuring you that you can do this.
-Gently breaking the news that it's too late to just get a puppy.
(image:Wavebreak Media Ltd/Wavebreak Media /Getty Images Plus)