Anonymous Mom: I Had A Child With A Pedophile

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empty playgroundAnonymous Mom is a weekly column of motherhood confessions, indiscretions, and parental shortcomings selected by Mommyish editors. Under this unanimous byline, readers can share their own stories, secrets, and moments of weakness with complete anonymity.

I met Jacob when I started attending a day clinic for people in my community with mental health issues. It was primarily designed for people, like myself, who had been out of work for long enough that they needed help with retraining. It was also a place for those who would never be able to work, to be able to socialize.

They had a cafeteria of sorts, where the clients would run the kitchen, make lunch for the others, and a counter where they would make coffee, lemonade, and sell candies.

I started running the cash register at the counter, and because I had previous work experience, I was able to teach some of the others. It was fun. It wasn’t stressful like “real life,” but it was challenging and a good place for me to be.

Jacob was a flirt, and I hadn’t been flirted with in a long time. He would always stand around the cash register, tell me how cute I was, and ask what I was doing later. He wasn’t the only guy doing it, because I was fresh meat and one of the youngest people there at 25. Looking back on it now, his flirting was so awful, but I was lonely and I drank it up.

At some point, he got to me enough that I came over to his apartment one weekend. We spent maybe two hours together, having ultimately uninteresting sex, and then I left. What I remember the most is that his place reeked of incense.

It was nearly two months later that I found out I was pregnant. I was so in denial that even as I was looking at the pee stick, I was mentally thinking how it had to be a mistake, I must have done it wrong.

I had been seeing someone shortly before I was with Jacob, so naturally I assumed the baby was that guy’s. After all, when we were together, we were together nearly every night. With Jacob it was literally just one time. Birth control for both parties was used each and every time, with both guys.

Because I’m a big girl, I didn’t have to tell anybody at the day clinic for a while. When I did tell them, and when Jacob asked about it, I said I had a boyfriend and the baby was his. In my mind, this was true. I really didn’t think the baby was Jacob’s.

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  1. jessica

    August 29, 2013 at 11:24 am

    You didn’t know about his criminal background at first and as soon as you found out that he could be dangerous to your daughter, you immediately took all the steps you could to protect her. You did everything you should have done.

    • That_Darn_Kat

      August 29, 2013 at 12:24 pm

      ^This, a thousand times this! This is exactly what I was going to say.

    • Courtney Lynn

      August 29, 2013 at 12:39 pm


    • Melissa T

      August 29, 2013 at 2:39 pm

      Yes, this.

  2. blh

    August 29, 2013 at 11:35 am

    You saw he was mentally delayed and you still slept with him?? Weird. You said you slept with/hung out with him bc you’re lonely. Next time you date make sure the guy isn’t a creep. This is very important now bc you have a kid and when kids are abused it’s very often the boyfriend of the mom. Well I’m glad your daughter isn’t seeing him anymore. Best thing for her.

    • Cee

      August 29, 2013 at 11:54 am

      Wow, did we read the same story?
      Thanks for the unsolicited bullshit advice no one asked for.

    • CMJ

      August 29, 2013 at 12:02 pm

      “Next time you date make sure the guy isn’t a creep.”

      OMG, do you have future-goggles???

    • noelle 02

      August 29, 2013 at 10:47 pm

      I want a pair too!

    • allisonjayne

      August 29, 2013 at 12:09 pm

      Does being douchey on the internet help you sleep better at night?

    • Courtney Lynn

      August 29, 2013 at 12:41 pm

      I think she already understands that, but thanks for being so condescending!

    • lea

      August 29, 2013 at 1:10 pm

      You saw a vulnerable woman tell her very upsetting story on the internet and though it was appropriate to make a BS comment like this?? Weird.

    • chickadee

      August 29, 2013 at 1:11 pm

      Thanks for sharing, Ms. Perfect Pants. You are a shining example for all internet trolls.

    • DMH

      August 29, 2013 at 1:33 pm

      Ugh… You know what, screw you.

    • TwentiSomething Mom

      August 29, 2013 at 1:47 pm

      How many people actually check the sex offender registry before they hook up with someone? I’m sure most people don’t so you can’t blame her for not knowing the truth about him.

    • Givemeabreak

      August 29, 2013 at 4:11 pm

      You blh, are what is wrong with our world.

    • G.S.

      August 29, 2013 at 9:41 pm

      “You saw he was mentally delayed and you still slept with him??”

      What does this have to do with ANYTHING?! Mentally delayed people DON’T automatically become creeps and pedophiles, asshole! My best friend is borderline autistic, and he’s an absolute sweetheart, so STFU!

      And I’m sure you’re just ENTHRALLED with background checking any and all people you come into contact with, right?!

    • whiteroses

      August 29, 2013 at 10:48 pm

      You have a microchip/crystal ball that tells you which guys are evil douchebags!!!??? Please, tell me where you received this marvelous invention.

      Also, while you’re at it, perhaps you could define for us all who, exactly, is deserving of love. Because God forbid any “defective” genes get passed around. After all, we are the Master Race! Anyone want to carpool to the next rally?

      *Note to everyone else: Sorry. Idiots bring out my sarcasm. I’ve lost family members to this kind of thinking. Can’t sit by and read it without saying something.

  3. Jessica C.

    August 29, 2013 at 11:42 am

    You are beyond courageous to share your story here. I can’t imagine how stressful this situation has been for you. Take comfort in knowing that you were proactive and because of your protection your daughter was never harmed.
    On a side note, I’m sure you already know this but early intervention is so critical for your daughter if you suspect autism. I have two boys on the spectrum, and I sincerely believe that without it, they would have been much more delayed. Good luck to you and I hope you heal from this.

  4. TngldBlue

    August 29, 2013 at 11:47 am

    How awful for you. You are doing all of the right things. I find it absurd that someone with that criminal background is out of prison at all.

    • bl

      August 29, 2013 at 4:08 pm

      I’m not surprised he’s out of prison, unfortunately, and I am appalled at whatever family court is like where she lives. So the court knew he was an offender and ordered supervised visits and then found out what the offenses were and got even more restrictive? If this is possible why why why did the court not require him to divulge that info before he got any custody whatsoever? Would have saved this mom some grief and the disruption in the child’s life.

  5. Cee

    August 29, 2013 at 11:58 am

    You are an incredibly proactive mother, that is wonderful. You pushed to know what was going on with his background check and did not hesitate to ask the courts for help on the matter. Your daughter does not need a child rapist in her life, especially one who does seem to be aided by his family, especially his mother. How can she seriously insist on her sleeping over with him? What an enabler and horrible human being!

    If he does plan to take part in her life, I am glad that it will be supervised, I hope it gives you a sigh of relief to know. And, in general it is good to know that people have this option. Thank you for sharing this.

  6. Momma425

    August 29, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    I commend you for being very protective and proactive as a mom. I am SO glad he is no longer part of either of your lives anymore. His family sounds very manipulative, and does not sound like they care about your daughter’s best interest at all.
    You know, I don’t think I would date after that experience either. It took me a really long time to date after my daughter’s dad and I broke up, because he had lied to me about many many things and I didn’t know how I was going to trust anyone in the future. I can’t even imagine what you have been through.
    Wishing the two of you luck and happiness. I bet she is absolutely a beautiful, wonderful little angel!

  7. Lisa

    August 29, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    You are a wonderful mother. I dont know you but I am super proud of you. My mother married two guys that were both abusers. When we would try to come to her she told us we were lying or being mean to her husband(s). Decades later one of the husbands is in prison because it came to the surface that he was hurting my younger siblings. My mother now plays the victim and to this day thinks she holds no responsibility for what happened. I dont want her to have guilt. But I think it is natural for a parent to feel responsible, I feel responsible and I never brought these men to our home. So it boggles my mind that she feels nothing for us. You are protecting your daughter and that’s everything she needs. Im so sorry this happened to you. I wish you all the luck. <3

  8. Eve Vawter

    August 29, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    I don’t know you but I know you and you know how I feel and ugh, you are just — I can’t even put it in words. You are so brave and awesome for sharing your story with us and as everyone else has said, you are a wonderful mom. I wish nothing but the very very best for you and your baby and thank you.

  9. KaeTay

    August 29, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    it’s ok my mom had 5 kids with 3 sex offenders.. all who ARE NOT in jail.. only one was charged and served his time. All of us have turned out healthy and normal.

    • Skye Belle Matilda Brand

      September 1, 2013 at 3:52 am

      WTF? Where wa he finding these dead shits?

  10. Anika

    August 29, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    My husband was molested as a toddler by his father, his mother walked in on it and immediately got the police involved. It turns out he’d had children with 4 different women before and done the same thing. Shortly after she walked in on her son getting molested my future mother in law found out she was pregnant. She was so afraid her husband would be granted visitation she had an abortion rather than risk giving him another child to molest. And her husband’s mother always stood by her son. I’ll never understand that.

    • KaeTay

      August 29, 2013 at 12:40 pm

      I want to say because a mother always has faith that their child will pick the right path and do the right thing.

    • G.S.

      August 29, 2013 at 2:07 pm

      Yeah, but he up and raped a kid. Defending and enabling a pedophile, son or no, is BEYOND messed up.

    • Amber

      August 29, 2013 at 5:30 pm

      That’s the worst justification for a parent letting their adult child continue to rape toddlers that I’ve ever heard.

      A mother who knows for a fact that her child has repeatedly raped 3 year olds and yet has faith he will “do the right thing” belongs in the cell next to her disgusting pedophile child.

    • James

      November 19, 2013 at 10:03 pm

      as if defending him is doing him any favors… you know what he might need? Some seriously psychological help and punishment for his crimes. I can’t even with this

    • Gangle

      August 29, 2013 at 7:58 pm

      What a load of enabling crap. That is one of the most dangerous comments I have ever heard. It is possible to love someone without being blind to the horrendous acts they commit. A friend of mine has an adult son who is a violent alcoholic. While she hopes that someday this will change, she supported his ex wife and helped her with her decision to leave him and understood why she chose to restrict his access to the children. Does she love her son? Yes, she does. But she knows that denying his behaviour is not helping him, only hurting others.

    • whiteroses

      August 29, 2013 at 10:19 pm

      Of course you always hope that your kids will do the right thing. But what you don’t do is allow your child to do something a) illegal and b) immoral by ANY standard. You don’t lean back, chill, and say to your son, “That’s okay, honey, I know you’ll make the right decision soon,” when he took a three year old’s virginity. Not just one, but several. It astounds me that his mother is so far up her own ass that she can’t see that he NEVER needs to be around kids. Ever. Even if said kid is biologically related to him.

      I will never understand this idea that we’re supposed to protect our kids from the consequences of their own actions. Love isn’t blindly believing that our children will always do the right thing. Love isn’t protecting them from being punished when they deserve to be. And love sure as hell isn’t setting up another child- your GRANDDAUGHTER, natch- to be raped. Love isn’t sticking your head in the sand even when all evidence to the contrary tells you that your child is a monster. Maybe if she hadn’t turned a blind eye, his life would have turned out differently. As it is, I’m wondering why they’re both not in prison. I love my son. And I always will, no matter what he does. But that does not give him a free pass to be a monster.

    • meteor_echo

      August 30, 2013 at 2:12 am

      “I love my son. And I always will, no matter what he does.”
      To be quite honest, this is why the whole concept of unconditional love terrifies the shit out of me (and I’m thankful I can’t love unconditionally). I wouldn’t want to feel love for somebody even if they raped several children, or tortured animals, or whatever else – in fact, I think that if I had a kid who grew up to be a convicted pedophile, I’d go to jail for smothering him with a pillow in his sleep.

      People who blindly justify their rapist children should go to jail with them.

    • Eve Vawter

      August 30, 2013 at 5:59 am

      I love my kids unconditionally. If they ever did anything heinous like this I would do everything in my power to have them put away forever and ever.

    • whiteroses

      August 30, 2013 at 6:52 am

      This exactly. Just because someone is a terrible human being doesn’t mean you stop loving them. But it also doesn’t mean that you justify their behaviors or enable them to continue doing terrible things. You can love someone with all your heart and actively dislike them at the same time.

      If my son ever did this, not only would I testify against him, but I would provide as much evidence as I could to convict him and put him away for a long, long time. I would never stop loving him- but love when it’s true is seeing someone as they really are, not as you would have them be. I’d have a hard time divorcing the monster from the chubby-cheeked toddler- but that’s neither here nor there.

    • meteor_echo

      August 30, 2013 at 9:45 am

      This is what I can’t understand: how can you love a monster? (a general “you”)? My own parents were abusive (still are to a degree, but I grew thick skin and sharp teeth), and I stopped feeling any sort of emotional connection to them after they started abusing me. It just got “cut off”, even though the parent-child and child-parent love is supposed to be of the unconditional kind. I’ve dated a man who turned out to be emotionally and sexually abusive, and my love for him also disappeared – which is good, because I think that loving a monster like that would make me try to kill myself again. Is there a point at which one would stop loving their child and would start hating them?

    • Eve Vawter

      August 30, 2013 at 9:59 am

      You are just the sweetest. So many of us adore you, you know that right? We may not KNOW you but you are just so smart and thoughtful. Here’s the thing, love goes away. No matter if it is supposed to be “unconditional.” You are under NO obligation to love someone who is abusive to you, in any way, shape or form.I think when it comes to your kids, even if they grow into Dahmer or some other monster, as a parent you probably have memories of them being a helpless newborn who was just a baby. So you feel love within that memory. You look at what they have become as an adult and no longer feel that “warmth.” Make any sense? Your love exists in a memory.

    • meteor_echo

      August 31, 2013 at 2:45 am

      You know, I honestly wish you were my actual mother. Life would have been so much better, and probably easier in many different ways. Also, I wish I could give you a damn big IRL hug. I have a depression spike right now, so your words mean a world to me.

      And yes, it does make sense – and the same thing happens with conditional love as well. One of the reason I stayed with the abusive ex for 1,5 years (even after he drove me to a suicide attempt and tried to leave me – gah, should have told him to go the hell away) was because I remembered the good times at the beginning of the relationship and didn’t want to let them go. It’s sad though, how being in love with a memory of a better person can harm you by making you still feel for the person that is there now. It’s really hard to let go, isn’t it?

    • whiteroses

      September 1, 2013 at 8:58 am

      I agree with this completely. That’s what I was trying to say, very inarticulately.

      You are not broken, meteor_echo. At all. The parent-child “contract” (if there is such a thing) doesn’t apply when one party is abusive, imho.

    • meteor_echo

      August 30, 2013 at 9:39 am

      I guess I’m just not sure if I’d even want to love someone unconditionally. I mean, I think I used to love my parents when I was little, but I haven’t felt anything resembling “love” or “affection” for them for a very, very long time. And, also, if I find out that the person I love does/did something bad, love just sort of… goes away, like it’s switched off. Guess I’m kind of broken XD

    • Granny A.

      November 19, 2013 at 10:11 pm

      To be fair, it’s not that they always “feel” for them in that way we love our friends and lovers… it’s more the responsibility. I suspect that something pretty horrific happened to this guy when he was growing up and mom just crossed her fingers and hoped it wouldn’t do anything. She either couldn’t or wouldn’t help him and now she has guilt so insurmountable she just buries it completely. She can’t handle what happened. I mean, imagine you find out that your most loved family member killed someone in cold blood. It would hurt like a bitch but you weren’t responsible for their upbringing. Even a pet is an animal you can’t control. But a child is someone you created out of you and your loved one and you raised – and now they are an evil monster. It’d fuck with anyone. I am not saying she should be so dismissive about it but I’m not sure what I personally would do as an alternative short of murder and suicide.

    • HaydenT

      August 29, 2013 at 12:58 pm

      Honestly, the first thing that occurred to me was that this guy got her pregnant on purpose.

    • Katherine Handcock

      August 29, 2013 at 9:16 pm

      That is totally possible — forensic psychologists have talked to convicted pedophiles who indicate that they will seek out women who want children, or single mothers, in order to gain access. Far fewer of them than there are of genuinely nice guys, but it’s a good reason to observe a potential partner carefully — and listen carefully to how your kids feel about them. Kids are often very good at identifying people who make them feel uncomfortable, but they can’t necessarily explain why.

    • Tee

      August 29, 2013 at 10:19 pm

      I am so sorry that your husband had to go through that!

    • Nicole

      September 18, 2013 at 10:31 pm

      The way I look at it is, the alternative is acknowledging their child is one of the lowest and most despicable members of society. Basically, ‘ignoring’ what they did and standing by them is how these kinds of people live.
      My mum freaked when I told her I was diagnosed with a panic disorder and extremely sever anxiety and questioned if it was something she did that caused my mental health problems.
      Realizing your kid is a child molester? How the hell would you get through life?

    • Mary

      November 19, 2013 at 10:02 pm

      How do these people ever see the outside of a jail cell?! And gods, I’m so sorry for your husband and all those affected. So creepy. And isn’t that always the case that mom stands by her gross child molesting son/daughter? I bet there’s some crazy denile and guilt in there.

  11. Annona

    August 29, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    This whole situation sucks. But you did the best thing you could do under the circumstances, and it is very brave of you to share your story. You’re doing what a good mom should do, and I hope the best for you and your little girl. As pedophilia is a pathology that can’t be cured, I find it hard to believe as well that your ex has stopped. And his mother is obviously either enabling him or in serious denial. Good for you for not backing down to either of them, and protecting your daughter.

  12. Ermahgerd Jersicur

    August 29, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    You are a wonderful mother! Your bravery in sharing your story is incredible and I hope you take comfort in knowing that you did everything EXACTLY RIGHT in order to protect your daughter.

  13. JLH1986

    August 29, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    You can only do what you can do based on the information you have. When you got more information you took appropriate steps. I am so sorry you and your little one had/have this additional stress in your life. It sounds like you are a worried mom and did everything you knew to do. You are a good mom and it will all shake out in the end. Trust your story- as my dad would say!

  14. Zettai

    August 29, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    Thank you for taking all the steps needed to protect your daughter. There are so many mothers out there who would find out what you did and not care enough to do anything about it. You are awesome.

  15. jendra_berri

    August 29, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    You have done everything you needed to do about this: You found out he had a criminal history and persevered in getting the documentation. You got his visitation severely curbed. You’ve kept a distance from his family, who clearly don’t have your child’s best interests at heart. Very responsible and the best you could do in a terrible situation.

  16. Loops UK

    August 29, 2013 at 3:54 pm

    Hey don’t beat yourself up doll. I haven’t had that bad an experience but have experienced a partner making my Son’s life hell. Even though he is now almost 17 – my Son comes first. I let him get on with his life but no way I am bringing another man into his life at this time. I don’t even date cos men are never happy with just that

  17. Annie

    August 29, 2013 at 4:31 pm

    Oh man. That’s a nightmare… But, it’s so good that you found out when you did, and don’t think of the what-ifs. That doesn’t get anyone anywhere. You found out and she was unharmed and he’s out of her life forever.

    When you’re ready to date again, trust yourself. Don’t banish yourself to loneliness, if you’re lonely, as a way to punish yourself because what happened to you could have happened to anyone. I mean, raise your hand if you’ve never slept with someone who wasn’t totally manipulating you, right?

    I love you and your daughter. Don’t punish yourself. Don’t contemplate “what-if”. xoxo

  18. Katia

    August 29, 2013 at 4:31 pm

    Great job protecting your daughter! You’re a wonderful mom! Sorry for your very shitty luck. You will date again one day, I hope. there’s no rush.
    Protect her well.
    Why do you think his family would help him discretely rape babies though!? Is that a thing? I’m so disturbed..

    • Gangle

      August 29, 2013 at 7:46 pm

      I think she meant that his family have been helping him cover up his activities, or turning a blind eye, not actively assisting him in finding and raping babies, possibly because they are in denial over what a monster he is. Perhaps there is a lot of history of sexual violence in that family, and they perceive horrendous sex crimes as ‘normal’. We don’t know. But the family do NOT have this little girls best interests at heart. Why else would the mother of a known child sex offender go on blindly insisting that her son be allowed unrestricted access to a vulnerable child when she knows the risks?

    • Katherine Handcock

      August 29, 2013 at 9:14 pm

      You would be surprised…there are families (and even whole communities) where the attitude is that you might warn people to stay away from an offender (whatever the offence — assault, theft, rape, anything) but that you don’t turn in or testify against “one of your own”. They would say, “Well, he got caught for X, and I know he’s done it five other times, but we don’t talk about that.” So they’re not ACTIVELY helping him commit a crime, but they’re definitely making it easy for him to offend again.
      I’m sure it also happens in denial situations — my brother/son/uncle couldn’t ever do that, it was exaggerated, there’s more to the story, and so on.
      To me, that does mean they are partially responsible for any further crimes — because they have knowledge that the justic system and/or potential victims don’t. But there are a surprising number of people who don’t believe that’s true.

  19. whiteroses

    August 29, 2013 at 4:57 pm

    As women, moms, and human beings, we do the best we can with the information we have. You didn’t have all the information. This is not your fault. At all. And once you became aware of what was going on, you took all the steps you could to protect your daughter. To me, that says that you’re a pretty amazing mom.
    Don’t be so hard on yourself. His crimes are his- not yours.

  20. Gangle

    August 29, 2013 at 7:38 pm

    You did the absolute best with the situation you were handled, and you protected your daughter. You didn’t let your daughter out of your sight in his presence right from the beginning and didn’t cave to his or his families wishes for over-night stays. You insisted on getting to the bottom of his offences, and when you did you did everything you needed to do to keep him away and keep her safe.
    Despite that one time making a terrible choice on sexual partners while you were in a vulnerable state, I think you have shown good sense and judgement. Do not beat yourself up.

  21. Gretta

    August 29, 2013 at 9:01 pm

    Good decision. Dont date. Not to punish you or anything. Just don’t bring any more men into your baby’s life.

    Concentrate on your daughter. Make a good life for her and you.

    • Katherine Handcock

      August 29, 2013 at 9:17 pm

      I would argue otherwise. Date when you are ready — selectively, and with consideration for your daughter, but do not eliminate dating from your life permanently. Just because you have a child does not mean you should ignore relationships (whether romantic or friendship) of your own.

    • noelle 02

      August 29, 2013 at 10:49 pm

      I agree, actually, at least for a couple years. I am certain you will be a much better judge of character in the future, but your little girl deserves your full time attention right now and you need time to heal, in my mind. Of course, I also say you should always go with your gut.

    • KarenMS

      August 29, 2013 at 10:57 pm

      Not bringing any men around her daughter is a recipe for disaster. She just needs to bring a good man, who will treat her daughter well, into her life. I truly believe that being treated well by a man as a child helps a woman choose good men as an adult.

    • Eve Vawter

      August 30, 2013 at 5:57 am

      I’m sorry, but I hate this. I hate it. I hope our anon mom dates many men, some good, some not so great, until she finds one who will be an amazingly wonderful partner to her and a fantastic and protective and nurturing dad for her kid.

    • Gretta

      August 30, 2013 at 3:05 pm

      Really? After all she has been through, you think she should be “dating many men”?? Sigh. How about putting the focus on the child for awhile? How about create a safe and stable environment? It’s not a tragedy to not be dating “many men” for awhile.
      Children need stability. They need to know that the people who are in their lives will continue to be there.
      Introducing “many men” who may stick around for a long time or maybe for a little time is my definition of a “recipe for disaster” and honestly pretty sad.

    • Eve Vawter

      August 30, 2013 at 3:07 pm

      Yeah, I think she needs to go on dates (I didn’t say bone) many men to see what sort of people are out there and find someone she should like and trust.

    • guest

      September 5, 2013 at 11:40 am

      Saying that you need to kiss a bunch of frogs to find a prince is a fallacy. The OP is an adult. She knows what sort of people are out there. She doesn’t need to be dating more men who are not right for her in order to understand that these men are not right for her. In the end, dating the wrong people leaves you with baggage and scars which can be avoided. You don’t need to get into a bunch of car wrecks in order to learn how to drive.

      That’s not to say that I think she shouldn’t date at all. She certainly should feel free to date someone who is wonderful and a good fit for her and her child if and when she is ready.

    • Mom Here

      August 31, 2013 at 2:43 pm

      My daughter has been my focus 100% of the time for 3 years now. She will always be my number one priority. I still haven’t dated, but I hope I will be ready to, someday.

    • meteor_echo

      August 31, 2013 at 1:51 am

      I don’t see what’s the point of dating many men until the one that you can form a good relationship with turns out. You waste time and resources on somebody who is essentially not right for you, and some of those resources are not exactly very refillable, like our emotional stability. Shouldn’t the point be “to find a man who is perfect for you as soon into dating as possible”?

  22. Katherine Handcock

    August 29, 2013 at 9:21 pm

    I will echo the statements below: you are incredibly brave. This is an awful situation, but you did the right thing, and you have protected your daughter in every way you can. You didn’t know, and you’re not psychic, so there was no way you could. If you have access to a counselling service, please consider speaking to them — this is an emotionally awful situation and you may need some help untangling how you feel.
    The other thing I want to say is, please, don’t write dating out of your life forever. You made a bad pick, with the best of intentions. You need time to recover from that. But you still deserve to have romantic relationships — when you are ready. That may take a while. But the majority of men are good, kind, caring people, and you deserve to have a relationship with a man like that. When you start to feel ready, go slowly, take your daughter into consideration — but don’t let yourself believe that this one error in judgment is proof that you can never have the relationship you want.
    I wish you and your daughter all the best.

  23. Tee

    August 29, 2013 at 10:14 pm

    This is the first comment I’ve left on this site. Ach, I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for you to tell this story. I admire your courage in doing so, knowing that you are opening yourself up for nasty comments. I will be praying for you and your daughter!

  24. Jessie

    August 29, 2013 at 10:47 pm

    Oh my goodness, what an awful thing for you to have to go through… I just can’t even imagine how horrifying it must have been to find out the truth behind his crimes. The degree of horror I feel when I even try to imagine how I’d respond if I was in your shoes must be at least a hundred times worse for someone it’s REALLY happening to.
    You are such a brave, strong, wonderful mother. I don’t think many women would have the courage to act as you did, at least not so immediately. You did what you needed to in order to protect your baby.

    I just hope that, even though you currently do not date anymore, you do not let this horrible experience scar you forever. You accidentally had a baby with a creep, but you didn’t know about it and he was very good at hiding it. Unfortunately, that happens to a lot of people. I just hope that someday, when you are ready, you can move on and find yourself a wonderful partner who will love you and your daughter like nothing else, because such a strong and amazing person like you deserves someone equally amazing to share life’s burdens with.

  25. Ann

    August 29, 2013 at 11:00 pm

    I’m actually surprised that offenses committed by someone so young show up in the registry. My state lists the crime, whether they are predators, and how old they and the victims were at the time. I find it helpful. Girl who falsely imprisoned a 17 year old boy when she was 18 is probably not a threat to my child but a man who sexually assaulted a 10-year-old when he was 40 is a threat. Maybe push for your state to include those helpful details. And hang in there!

    • Mom Here

      August 31, 2013 at 2:47 pm

      OP mom here. The registry only had his name, age, and that his sex offender level. The details I got after hounding him for 2 years, for his court documents. Even CPS wouldn’t help me get the information, and the courts said I had to have his permission to see them.

  26. C.J.

    August 29, 2013 at 11:47 pm

    Your daughter is lucky to have a wonderful mother like you to protect her.

  27. Robert Trca

    August 30, 2013 at 8:05 am

    Aparently no one on this chat board has ever done anything wrong. Sure, raping (Which could be so many things) children is horrible and disgusting. But if we never gave anyone who ever messed up a second chance, there would be no one left. IMO

    • Alex

      August 30, 2013 at 8:15 am

      Oh, I’m pretty sure that we’ve all messed up before. There are plenty of offenses and wrongs which I believe deserve second chances, but committing premeditated murder or raping (“(Which could be so many things)”, seriously?) children is not “messing up”. Those are conscious choices to harm another human in one of the worse and most damaging ways imaginable, and I do not believe that child rapists deserve second chances to do so again.

    • meteor_echo

      August 31, 2013 at 1:55 am

      Or adult rapists. Rape is equally horrifying and damaging regardless of the victim’s age.

    • LoveyDovey

      August 30, 2013 at 9:55 am

      Did you miss the part where he’s a serial rapist? Did you even read the article?

    • A-nony-mous

      August 30, 2013 at 10:26 am

      Yeah. I bought cigarettes a couple times when I was 13 and booze underage too. Is that comparable to raping multiple people? Apparently so.

      Not all mistakes are equal. Not all mistakes (or people) deserve a second chance.

      Also, he HAD a second chance. He raped one person and didn’t go to jail for it and got a second chance and used it to rape another person. Should he have a third chance? A fifth? A sixteenth? When you’re a serial rapist you don’t stop. It’s a compulsion. There are people out there who have dozens of ‘sex offenses’ on their ‘rap sheets’ who are on their 50th or 60th chance because of this stupid attitude that basically believes that nothing deserves true punishment.

    • abbienorma

      August 30, 2013 at 2:35 pm

      This HAS to be sarcastic. I can accept no other reality.

    • BoopBoopBoop

      August 30, 2013 at 5:25 pm

      He raped toddlers and developmentally disabled children. Many times. Enough times to get caught. No one like that deserves a second chance.

    • meteor_echo

      August 31, 2013 at 1:54 am

      As someone who has been raped as a teen – go eat a smoldering coal and choke on it. No, rapists do not deserve a second chance, there are things where you fuck up permanently if you do them even once.

    • Gangle

      August 31, 2013 at 8:42 am

      I have screwed up many times in my life. But raping and/or assaulting babies and developmentally disabled children is not one of them. Does this particular rapist deserve and need treatment and counselling? He sure does. But that does not mean that he should be put in a position where he could potentially harm others.

    • Jezzer

      August 31, 2013 at 8:44 am

      “Messed up”? The only thing that is “messed up” is your horribly ignorant comment. Anyone who can read an article about someone who was convicted of MULTIPLE accounts of child rape and play devil’s advocate is either trolling or has a personal ax to grind.

    • Mom Here

      August 31, 2013 at 2:45 pm

      OP mom here. Yeah…there is absolutely no way in which having sex with a 3 year old can be construed as “messing up”. It’s not a 17 year old girl who says she’s 18…it’s a baby. a diaper wearing, TODDLER.

    • biobunny

      September 3, 2013 at 4:10 pm

      You obviously don’t have children. that’s a very messed up comment to make. as far as paedophiles go, they need to be left in prison and never see the sun again.
      I am being very polite as to what is really going through my head about your silly ignorant comment.

    • neighbor57

      September 14, 2013 at 2:45 am

      Curious what “raping” could be? Are there more definitions than we know? What do you mean by “Which could be so many things”?
      Child rapists, by the way, are almost never cured or rehabilitated. Let’s find out whether this one is by letting him have free access to a two-year-old. Oh good idea!

  28. abbienorma

    August 30, 2013 at 2:12 pm


  29. A-nony-mous

    August 30, 2013 at 4:27 pm

    To the anony-mom who wrote the story: Please just remember to be honest with your child early on. My father was a pedophile and I was adopted because of it and I found out in probably the worst way one could find out, while accidentally rifling through some papers in my adoptive mothers desk. I was about 13 at the time and it started a downward spiral where I dropped out, took up drinking and spent the next 5 years of my life wavering between depression, anger, drinking and doing nothing and eventually got pregnant before 20. I am near 30 now and even to this day my adoptive mother has never admitted or spoken of it to my face. She knew, she never told me. I had to find out on my own. I had to deal with it on my own. If I would have wanted to talk to her I would have had to bring up that conversation on my own.

    It’s difficult to cope with and accept some days, but I’m glad I know the truth. The truth will come out sooner or later…when your child decides to google her family members and gets that name and registry. Do not make the same mistake my mother did and try to pretend that not telling her will keep it from her and let her find out the way I did.

    • Mom Here

      August 31, 2013 at 2:42 pm

      OP mom here. I’ve struggled with what I’m going to tell her when she’s old enough to ask. I haven’t come up with my answer yet, but I will be telling her the truth. Just, age appropriate.

    • A-nony-mous

      August 31, 2013 at 9:55 pm

      🙂 I commend you for that. I know it won’t be easy to do and I can’t even say what the perfect thing to say was. What would I have wanted my mother to say if she had said something to me about it? God, I don’t entirely know. Maybe to sit down and say something like “You’re old enough now to understand a few things about your father and why he isn’t around…” when I was 12 or 13. And be willing to answer questions and listen more than she talked. I don’t think I would’ve wanted a big candycoated speech, just the facts and let me ask what questions I had or vent about it.

      I wish you both the best of luck. <3 Life can be cruel and unfair sometimes but honesty and spirit will get you through.

    • biobunny

      September 3, 2013 at 4:07 pm

      I know it probably doesn’t mean much, but we are here for you. It cant be easy. The courts seem to be on your side which is very good and you seem to be a very strong person.
      Tell her when she is older and even get help from the court house. they must know how to deal with this. I hope it goes well for you

    • neighbor57

      September 14, 2013 at 2:51 am

      Age-appropriate honesty is best for kids. I know. Always emphasize what a wonderful gift she is, and the fact that her biological father’s choices have nothing to do with who she is or will be.

  30. Little Red

    August 30, 2013 at 11:12 pm

    It is your right as a Mother to protect your child by any means necessary. You have and are continuing to do this. Be strong, do not let his family bully you, and I hope that you and your daughter will be okay.

  31. Skye Belle Matilda Brand

    September 1, 2013 at 3:47 am

    When I read the title of this story I was ready to pull out a few choice swear words & direct them at the author…after reading the story I understand that this was not a case of a woman placing her own sexual desires above the good of her child. You fell pregnant to a man you didn’t know in spite of taking precautions. I’m sure there are thousands of women out there who have done the same.

    You are protecting your baby. Keep doing that. Keep your baby away from her DNA contributor for as long as you can.

  32. Guest

    September 2, 2013 at 12:17 am

    Your love for and dedication to your daughter shines through every single word of this awful story, and in all of your comments, too. She is SO incredibly lucky to have you as a mother!

  33. sonja

    September 2, 2013 at 11:05 am

    This breaks my heart. You did everything you could, and you are amazing for that. Keep your head up. There is a whole world out there of great guys who are not pedophiles. You deserve someone who is every bit as amazing as you are.

  34. Fun Loving Nihilist

    September 3, 2013 at 4:27 pm

    Good for the 1st man for demanding a Paternity Test! What do you think the odds are that ‘mother of the year’ was honest with her boyfriend and informed him that there was a chance that the baby might not be his?

    I’d wager that mom of the year would have been more than happy to let him waste his money and time on another man’s child.

    • My Oubliette

      September 28, 2013 at 2:34 am

      He was an EX-boyfriend at the time of conception, you jackass.

    • Fun Loving Nihilist

      September 29, 2013 at 2:24 am

      You still fucked him, whore. You fucked and bred with a pedo. Nothing negates what I said. The whore would have milked the non-father for “support” of a child that is not his. That makes her a whore in the literal since of the word; payment for sex.

      You should have had the worthless bastard scraped. It’ll grow up to rape kids too.

    • My Oubliette

      September 30, 2013 at 8:23 pm

      The original post describes exactly what “the whore” actually did, in real life, so I don’t see the point in contemplating a hypothetical alternate future. She assumed that the man who she’d had sex with multiple times was the father, rather than the man she’d had sex with only once, which makes total sense, mathematically. Injustices happen in the USA’s Family Court system – that is a given – but had this particular injustice panned out, it would have based on a mistake rather than malice. This just isn’t the place for an analysis/bashing of Family Courts. There are so many other places on the web where you can do that. I’m sure you know where to find them. Nor is this the place to wail about how women are all whores, all sex is prostitution, blah blah blah. It’s ludicrous, offensive, and completely not the point.

    • My Oubliette

      January 12, 2014 at 2:41 pm

      Really? I don’t remember doing any such thing! Jeez, how on earth did I miss being pregnant for ten whole months and raising a child for years?

  35. chelsea

    September 5, 2013 at 7:34 am

    I am so very sorry. But you have done all you can, and hold your ground. Most importantly, it is very obvious you love and care for your daughter. She will benefit from your love and concern for her safety more than she ever could from visiting her father in this case. He may have been young when his offenses occurred, but the severity of them does not merit forgiveness, in my opinion. I know you’re a stranger, but I am very proud of you. And what you did was an honest mistake. You used protection, it is not your fault that it failed. Nor did you know of his background. So stay strong and give yourself a pat on the back for handling a horrible situation well. And give your daughter a big ol’ hug!

  36. Alice

    September 28, 2013 at 6:01 am

    Well, as you were “shocked” to find that jacob was your breeder, I suppose you had less than a week’s difference between copulating with him and your “real” boyfriend. You should have been smarter in the first place and used a condom with your pills, or maybe, NOT slept with a man while you were “seeing” another?
    Anyway, what has happened has happened and your pedo jacob is obviously unreliable. No sane person would leave their kids with a registered sex offender, whatever relation he might have to them. But obviously if he’s PAYING for the child support, he expects to get something more than meetings at court.
    So you can either keep doing what you are, and continue getting hassled by him and his mother, or get him off the child support and actually take responsibility for your stupidity and work to raise your daughter alone.
    In any case, I feel that your life will probably be pretty miserable and bleak, and part of it has been your own fault.

    • My Oubliette

      September 28, 2013 at 3:15 pm

      Grow a soul.

  37. Benjamin

    September 28, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    This was NOT your fault. You couldn’t have known. You did the right thing; Jacob’s actions can not be forgiven. It was a sick, terrible thing he did when he was an adolescent. Are they crazy, letting ANY kind of sex offender around a child? I can’t even… when he made that mistake (not a stupid little mistake as he suggested, but a BIG mistake), at least in my eyes, he effectively sacrificed his rights to be trusted in society, and that includes being around your daughter.
    Sorry, but I have to throw this in: this man is no pedophile (probably). He’s just a straight up child rapist. Not all pedophiles are bad people. I’m a pedo. I like kids, but I don’t hurt them. 🙂 Contrary to popular belief most pedos do not actively go around molesting children, they’re just attracted to them. As long as they keep fantasy separate from reality they’re basically just harmless individuals who happen to love kids. A man who genuinely loves little girls isn’t going to subject one to that kind of abuse.
    Anyways, I’m done ranting. This wasn’t to belittle your situation. This man can’t have contact with your daughter; it’s FAR to dangerous. If he did it once he can do it again. Keep doing everything in your power to keep you and your little girl away from this sicko. I LOVE Moms like you. You’re AWESOME for protecting your kid. That sounds ridiculous, but seriously, not all parents do. Seeing a good mother in action is kind of cool.
    Oh, and don’t worry. Dating isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I can’t date women (the feelings just aren’t there) and I live just fine without. Don’t worry about finding a partner, just focus on raising your daughter to become a strong and independent woman like yourself 🙂
    Sincerely, Ben

  38. Chris

    November 11, 2013 at 11:44 am

    I think its sad that people love to judge like this, but hate when the finger is pointed at them at times. There are horrible people out there, but in this day and age where law enforcement can pretty much do what they want to the average citizen, and the laws in this country have such an amazingly broad scope, one can have many labels put on them via the justice system. I’m a sex offender. Why? Because I had sex with my girlfriend in high school that was 2 years younger and her parents filed charges. It was consensual, but I was still charged. Is that fair? I didn’t rape a child or force myself on a woman, but nonetheless my picture is next some guys that do.
    My wife is married to a “sex offender” and we have a beautiful child together and she’s me as a person, not a label the law put on me. So next time you people go pointing the finger and saying how horrible one or the other is, or go assuming they must have done that or this in the past because of their record, remember you’re a person with mistakes made just like them, and it’s always fun to be the asshole until it’s you that has the fingers pointed at.

  39. Carol

    November 19, 2013 at 10:22 pm

    I just want to say that you are a better person than I am. I’m amazed at your strength and love for your baby.

  40. BeyondthC

    September 10, 2014 at 12:12 am

    I can’t get over the fact that his mother was basic setting her granddaughter up to get raped as a baby. What a horrible woman! Good thing your little girl has such a great mamma who listens to her instincts and protects her from the bad guys.

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