They are seriously offended. It might be time to seek counseling. You could benefit from a third party helping you work through your differences.
Oh, your two-day-old isn't smiling yet? It was probably something you said.
That's so weird. Newborns are normally such uncontrollable chatter boxes. You definitely screwed up this time.
Diaper changes are totally calm occasions during which infants lie still while you pamper and dress them. Unless they hate you.
The ultimate show of disrespect. This is like the infant equivalent of keying your car. I don't know if there's even a way to come back from this.