Letter From A Reader: Help Me Help This Girl Get Over Her Heartache

Last night I received an email, and it wasn’t hate mail which always makes me super happy. It was from one of our readers and I have edited the email to remove anything which may compromise her identity. I considered just emailing her back and not publishing it, but then I started thinking about you guys, all of you guys, and my co-workers, especially after she used the words “smart and badass” – because that’s what this community is. So after reading what she has to say and what we all have to say, I’m hoping some of you weigh in with your own opinions.

 This may be totally unorthodox, but here goes. My boyfriend just dumped me- apparently he just doesn’t want a relationship and I’m not what he’s looking for. I’m devastated- we weren’t together long, but I thought he was the one. Needless to say, I’m devastated, to the point where I can’t even get out of bed. The reason I’m emailing you is because I kind of just need to hear from someone who is, as I said, smart and badass, that it’ll be okay. I know you’re busy with being a writer and a mom, but any advice you can offer would be appreciated.

 

Dear Reader:

You can do better. Now, I know I know that may be hard to believe right now when your heart is all sore and you feel bare and rejected and devastated. But here’s the thing, you don’t want anyone who doesn’t want you. Repeat after me, you don’t want anyone who doesn’t want you.

You aren’t that girl. You are the one who someone meets and looks at and feels that they are the luckiest person in the world to have found you. You are the one who they want to tell things to, and share things with, and learn and grow with. You are the one who makes them make sense. And you will have problems and fights and it will be hard, because it’s always hard, but at the end of the day it will be your hard, belonging to the both of you, and you may cry and scream and fight but you will sort it out. Because no matter what happens, or how bad shit gets, you will know that this person has your best interests at heart and is on your team. This person has your back, and you have theirs.

Smart and badass? YOU are smart and badass, and you deserve someone amazing, someone who makes you laugh, and listens to you, and who places their hand on the small of your back when you are entering a room and who calls first with their good news and who respects you and adores you and who for no reason whatsoever does stupid little things just to make you happy.

And I know it’s hard, nothing is harder than being hurt by someone you care for but I also know this, it will get easier, and when you least expect it, the person you are supposed to be with will come along. So in the meantime, you do what you gotta do. Stay in bed, cry, moon over their Facebook, cry some more, but only for a little while. Because you are smart and badass and the world needs smart and badass women out there doing things and someone is looking for you. Just for you.

-Eve

I don’t have any profound advice, other than the cliche that is so true””that once you are happy and have moved past this, either by being single or with someone else, you’ll be able to look back and realize it wasn’t the right situation for you at all.

The advice that I do have is this, and it’s helped me deal with tough emotions: FEEL them and ugly cry a lot. It sounds simple, but I do this almost every night when I’m frustrated, sad, upset, etc. What can I say, I’m an emotional gal. I firmly believe that letting it all out helps you to get past it. You can do this.

– Bethany Ramos

My advice is to let yourself feel really really really shitty for awhile. Have daily breakdowns, cry in the grocery store, scream in the shower, listen to sad breakup songs on repeat over and over and over. Rest. Sleep. Watch movies. Think back to all the good parts of your relationship, overanalyze, ask why and how and say this isn’t fair. Lean heavily on your friends and family.

Then, tell yourself it’s enough. Delete this dude from your phone, remove him from your newsfeed, and resolve to think of something else every time he comes into your head. Do something to get yourself out of your comfort zone and shake your life up: Take a pottery class, go on a blind date, join a cycling club. You’ve been through a mentally and emotionally shocking experience, you now have to do something else to shock your system into some radical, challenging, self-care.

You are amazing. You are worthy. You are you. Good luck!

-Carrie

My advice – heartbreak is good. It reminds you that you are a thinking, feeling person who CARES about things. As far as “the one” goes – I do believe there is “the one” – but I mostly believe there are several “ones.” I’m not saying this to discount your feelings, I’m saying it to remind you to continue to be an open and loving person, not to close yourself up after experiencing heartache. You can’t control how other people treat you, but you can control how you react to it. Mourn this guy and then let it go – don’t wear your heartache like a badge of honor – continue being the open person you were when you fell for this guy. Remain open for the one who will recognize how amazing you are.

– Maria

And from our amazing intern who needs to actually write for us: 

After hours of rocking me in her lap, allowing me to sob and binge on cookie dough, my sister quoted Oscar Wilde: “Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary,” she’d said. This helped me let him go. Be selfish and focus completely on that which makes you so extraordinary.

-Lindsey

So now I will let the readers chime in, but to our dear brokenhearted reader, we are here for you, and I hope you feel better soon. Take care of you.

Here is your sad mopey dedication:
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and here is for when you feel like being badass:

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(Image: getty images)