Are you expecting your first child? Congratulations! You probably have no idea what to expect from your first months home with baby. No one knows really knows how to prepare for a situation they've never been in, so I thought I'd give you some practical exercises for preparing your home and yourself for the arrival of a child.
1. Start spilling milk on all of the surfaces in your home.
After your child arrives, whether you are formula feeding or breastfeeding, everything you own will be covered in milk. If you prepare yourself by shooting it all over the house now, you will be less disgusted when baby arrives.
2. Tell your partner to regularly complain about sleep deprivation so you can practice ignoring him/her.
Your partner will complain. You will give exactly zero shits and have no sympathy. Practice ignoring him/her now so your relationship will survive.
3. Find the most annoying song you've ever heard, and somehow program it to blast every three hours.
This will prepare you for the incessant wailing of a hungry baby - sort of.
4. Tie one hand behind your back and accomplish all daily tasks this way.
You'll master it eventually. May as well start practicing.
5. Practice passive-aggressive ways to say, "really?"
"I fed the baby last."
"She wants her mom."
"It's my only day off so I'm going out with the guys."
6. Subscribe to Netflix and watch every episode of a children's show you hate.
There's no way to prepare you for a constant stream of Bu Bu Bubble, Gu Gu Guppies! Bubble - GUPPIES, Bubble - GUPPIES! But you can try.
7. Practice functioning while sleep-deprived.
If your pregnancy is making it impossible for you to sleep - congratulations! You're one step ahead.
8. Break/ hide all the mirrors in your home.
For the first few months it's just easier that way. No judgment. If you can imagine to still look amazing while caring for a newborn -- good for you.
9. Eat every meal two hours after you've cooked it, cold.
Actually -- forget this one. Eat hot food while you can.