Childrearing

20 Signs Your Kid Is Totally Faking Sick To Get Out Of School

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I’m home from work today. My first grader has been working it double-time since last night telling me how sick she is. Complete with whimpering, clutching her stomach, hobbling from the couch to the bathroom to “puke” and telling me over and over that she better stay home today. I will say- this is the first day she’s missed this school year. Thanks to three years in the Facility Daycare Petri Dish of Disease this girl appears to have an immune system of titanium. Her grades are excellent, she’s a great big sister and all-around sweetheart of a kid so I decided to humor her. Adults need breaks and get burnt out- no doubt, children do too.

So, now we are both keeping up the charade. Her, for obvious reasons. Me, so she doesn’t think that I knew she wasn’t sick and let her stay home anyway. I’ve stressed several times this morning that mommy’s job is important for our family and that I need to be there unless something is truly wrong. I know she gets it. But I also know she’s faking. Here are 20 ways to tell that your child is actually not sick:

1. They just jogged in place for a whole episode of Good Luck, Charlie

2. The doorbell rang and it’s Thai takeout your kid ordered

3. Doorbell rings again and it’s a few friends here for a playdate

4. They just sang the entire Frozen soundtrack while standing on their head

5. You just caught them gambling online

6. Now they are shopping online

7. Wow, they’ve opened up their own Etsy shop

8. The snotty tissues are actually full of vaseline

9. They just got back from a jog with the dog

10. Their reproduction of Monet‘s Women in a Garden is now complete

11. They’ve learned to speak a few phrases of Portuguese

12. You smell a turkey dinner they apparently just cooked

13. You turn on the TV and spot them in the crowd outside the Today show.

14. They’ve learned how to twerk

15. Caught them running the thermometer under hot water

16. You overheard them on the phone ordering more Thai food

17. Your browser history includes the phrase “how to make fake barf”

18. They’ve built a replica of the Empire State Building out of Legos

19. You go to their room to check on them and find a bunch of cushions under the blankets and your kid is nowhere to be found.

20. Your car is now missing

(Image:  Volodymyr Baleha/shutterstock)

19 Comments

  1. Bethany Ramos

    May 22, 2014 at 5:21 pm

    Twerking is a sure sign of feigned illness!’ I can only hope for the day when my kids actually fake an illness because they are sick all the GD time. Love the post, Valerie 🙂

    • Valerie

      May 23, 2014 at 6:41 am

      Love you!!!

    • Bethany Ramos

      May 23, 2014 at 7:13 am

      Love you!

    • Obladi Oblada

      May 23, 2014 at 9:01 am

      Wait…was this written by the Wicked Queen herself?! Niiiiiice. Way to go, sister. 😉

    • Bethany Ramos

      May 23, 2014 at 9:35 am

      Yay, Valerie!

  2. guest

    May 22, 2014 at 5:49 pm

    Man alive I was “sick” constantly when I got into middle school-high school. I just always missed my bus in middle school. In high school I was either a hormonal mess, needing a mental health day, or freaking exhausted. My mom didn’t ever want to fight with me so she let it go. One of my teachers ended up pulling me aside to tell me that while I had an A in his class he expected me to show up more because obviously when I’m gone a day a week it isn’t legit. He also asked me why I wasn’t there Monday which I feel like is the equivalent of a company asking what you are sick with which is “noneofyagoddamnbusiness”.

    • Valerie

      May 23, 2014 at 6:42 am

      Right on!! He had no right to ask.

    • guest

      May 23, 2014 at 10:59 am

      I really wanted to say, “Well I had a really heavy flow day and horrible cramps so I decided not to bleed through my clothes onto one of your desks.” But him being that hardcore he probably would have just told me thats life and I still needed to show up. 🙁

    • gothicgaelicgirl

      May 23, 2014 at 12:49 pm

      Love to see how he’d react to penis bleeding…

  3. gothicgaelicgirl

    May 23, 2014 at 6:05 am

    My mom used to combat this by giving us 3 “Free Days” in school a year.
    She’d write out three notes saying to excuse us for being absent (yesterday) as we were unwell and had a high temperature.
    She’d leave them unsigned and whenever we wanted a free day, she’d sign it.

    The only rule was that if she did this for us, we weren’t to skip class at all.
    If we did, all our free days were revoked for that year (as my bro found out)

    It was a good system. =)

    • Valerie

      May 23, 2014 at 6:41 am

      That’s so cool!!!! It’s like PTO time for kids. Lol.

    • gothicgaelicgirl

      May 23, 2014 at 6:59 am

      Aw yeah, she was so cool about it, it really was tit for tat- “I’m giving you this chance to have some fun. Fuck it up and all THREE chances are gone!”

      Plus, if she didn’t have work and I had a day off, we’d usually end up on the couch watching The Sopranos together while eating our body weight in Ben and Jerrys. =P

    • allisonjayne

      May 23, 2014 at 12:09 pm

      That sounds really reasonable actually.

    • gothicgaelicgirl

      May 23, 2014 at 12:48 pm

      And totally fair too.
      We got ONE chance, if we fucked it up, all our free days for that year were gone, so it was VERY reasonable.

    • allisonjayne

      May 23, 2014 at 1:55 pm

      My parents were pretty chill on the rare occasions I would skip, because I was always up front with them about it (“I skipped third period today because we had a substitute and were just going to be watching a shitty movie. Bestfriend and I decided to go for milkshakes instead”). Because I got good grades and it was infrequent, they trusted me enough to have good judgement. But a formal ‘system’ like this makes sense because it gives you something to take away.

      I do hope to raise my kid with a similar “I trust you, you have proven to me that you are responsible, therefore I will give you these privileges” thing as my parents. They weren’t lax – it’s not like I never had a curfew – but I did feel like I had their trust and that in turn made me a more responsible kid. Like because I wasn’t constantly late for curfew, I could sometimes ask for it to be extended.

    • SarahJane86

      May 23, 2014 at 12:38 pm

      My mum did this! It was one day per term (so 4 days) and it was contingent on me getting good grades and being a decent human being.

    • gothicgaelicgirl

      May 23, 2014 at 12:48 pm

      *High five for awesome moms!*

  4. leahdawn

    June 5, 2014 at 5:39 pm

    As kids, if we were sick we were required to stay in bed for the entire day. No playing or running around or anything, just lay in bed and get better…. which is basically torture for most kids. I can honestly say as a result I NEVER faked being sick. I even went into school for the afternoon on days where I had felt sick in the AM but was feeling better by lunch!

  5. christina

    August 23, 2014 at 8:50 pm

    My daughter knows she does not need to fake, last year she had 2 days where she just didn’t want to go and so we stayed home and did nothing. I call it a schedule time out,some days you just need a break from the day to day schedule

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