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9 Outfits Parents Are Actually Allowed To Judge You For In The School Pick Up Line

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How do you look when you drop your kids off at school? Are you “put together”, or more the “hot mess” variety? Do you favor jeans, or do you commit the true crime against humanity of wearing yoga pants out of the house?

Yesterday I ran errands with my kids while wearing workout shorts and a baby-food-splattered t-shirt, so you can guess where I stand on the issue. But some people think that moms need to get themselves together before they pull into the pickup line at their kid’s elementary school. As far as I’m concerned, anyone who gets their kid to school alive and on time is “together” enough. However, I do think there are certain rules about what a person should or shouldn’t wear to drop off their child at the beginning of the school day, and I hope you’ll take these to heart. Please: think of the children.

1. A hazmat suit

When you leave your night shift job of decontaminating radioactive waste, you need to change back into your civvies. This is how kids get radiation sickness, not superpowers.

2. A helmet filled with bees

NOT. THE. BEES.

3. A Scream mask

This either screams “I’m a creepazoid” or “I take Halloween a little too seriously”, and either way, it means your kid is not getting an invitation to the popular kid’s birthday party this year.

4. Nothing

Just plain unsanitary. No shirt, no shoes, no sense in smearing your butt-germs on every thing you sit on.

5. Eau de shark attractant

Sharknados are no laughing matter.

6. Lady Gaga’s cast-off meat dress

Even if it isn’t rancid by now, this runs the risk of attracting a pack of wild dogs.

7. A Buffalo Bill-style suit made of the flesh of your victims

On the bright side, this saves other parents the trouble of having to guess if your house would be a safe one for little Bobby or Susie to go play at.

8. A Jaeger

This may seem like a good idea if your child’s school has recently come under kaiju attack, but really, giant chain swords and children just don’t mix.

9. Strategically placed peanut butter and whipped cream

I’m sorry your date night got cut short, but come on: some kids have peanut allergies. This just isn’t safe.

(Image: bbevren / Shutterstock)

40 Comments

  1. Wicked Prophet Kay Sue

    August 28, 2014 at 8:52 am

    Dammit, Aimee. I’LL WEAR THE FLESH OF MY VICTIMS WHENEVER I WANT!

    Judgy McJudgersons.

    Damn.

    • Aimee

      August 28, 2014 at 12:13 pm

      Wearing your victims is soooo Fall 2011. Geez.

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      August 28, 2014 at 1:47 pm

      But I won’t even *have* a penis to tuck between my legs if I don’t wear at least the loin flesh of my male victims! Can’t we at least bring that back into fashion?!

    • 2Well

      August 28, 2014 at 5:42 pm

      That makes it retro.

    • Spongeworthy

      August 28, 2014 at 12:27 pm

      How else am I going to show off my incredible skinning/ sewing abilities? Pinterest frowns upon my pictures.

    • 2Well

      August 28, 2014 at 5:42 pm

      And Regretsy closed.

  2. Jezebeelzebub

    August 28, 2014 at 9:02 am

    I’m grumpy this morning and I clicked on this article because I thought maybe I could be grumpy as shit all over the comment section- but then I read it and nevermind. Now I can;t decide if this made me grumpier because I liked it against my will, or if I feel less grumpy because I liked it land it lifted my spirits. My life… it’s so hard.

    • Mystik Spiral

      August 28, 2014 at 10:02 am

      The struggle is real.

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      August 28, 2014 at 1:49 pm

      Have you seen the Scary Mommy piece yet? All the grumpiness plus sudden self-consciousness about that extra-large mocha I ordered!

    • Jezebeelzebub

      August 28, 2014 at 2:40 pm

      I just saw it. that was a slippery slope, there….

  3. keelhaulrose

    August 28, 2014 at 9:02 am

    Oh, fuck off, I’ll wear the hazmat suit all I want. Kids are nothing more than self-propelled germ warfare vehicles, I don’t want them touching me.

  4. LadyClodia the Modest Rat

    August 28, 2014 at 9:09 am

    5. Just make sure you have your own Bat shark repellent.

    http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view3/1753876/batman-vs-shark-o.gif

    9. I guess this would be awkward.

    http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lxz1r4N40X1rn402oo1_500.gif

    • Obladi Oblada

      August 28, 2014 at 7:26 pm

      Can’t. Look. Away.

  5. Maria Guido

    August 28, 2014 at 9:22 am

    STOP JUDGING PARENTS, AIMEE. hahahaha

    • Aimee

      August 28, 2014 at 12:12 pm

      Don’t be hating just because you wore your favorite bee helmet on your last grocery trip.

  6. Bethany Ramos

    August 28, 2014 at 9:22 am

    I feel so good about my yoga pants now!!

    • Aimee

      August 28, 2014 at 12:12 pm

      Yoga pants are the staple of my wardrobe. #momcore

  7. JulySheWillFly

    August 28, 2014 at 9:38 am

    So is SWAT gear acceptable or no?

    • Jezebeelzebub

      August 28, 2014 at 10:20 am

      it totally is, if it’s black. you can wear black anywhere.

    • anon

      August 28, 2014 at 11:16 am

      Only in Ferguson.

  8. CW

    August 28, 2014 at 10:08 am

    This is one of the funniest things I’ve read on Mommyish! More of these types of articles please and less of the Sanctimommy ones attacking other moms’ parenting choices.

  9. Bleu Cheese Bewbs

    August 28, 2014 at 10:47 am

    Aimeeeeee! You are killing me this morning (with laughter). Also, the WIcker Man remake is one of the most unintentionally funny movies, ever.

    • Aimee

      August 28, 2014 at 12:10 pm

      I think we should put the footage of Nic Cage in a bear costume running up and sucker punching a lady on the next interstellar satellite we launch into space.

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      August 28, 2014 at 12:14 pm

      I don’t know. The footage could be found by some advanced alien race, and it could go one of two ways: they’d see it and decide we were too dumb to bother with, or they’d see it and decide we were so dumb they should come and sterilize all of us so that we stop polluting the universe.

  10. goofyjj

    August 28, 2014 at 10:55 am

    but if i don’t have kids, it’s ok to wear these and stroll?

    • Aimee

      August 28, 2014 at 12:09 pm

      Well, if the occasion is right. I guess you COULD wear your hazmat suit somewhere besides a black tie gala, but really, how gauche.

  11. Joye77

    August 28, 2014 at 11:13 am

    My issue is usually my hair. “Kids are running late should I brush it or not, eh, fuck it. ” judge me and my unbrushed hair , go ahead..;)

    • Aimee

      August 28, 2014 at 12:10 pm

      This is literally why I cut mine short, haha. Wash and wear ftw!

    • Rowan

      August 28, 2014 at 12:57 pm

      I have waist-length wavy hair and swear by the “fluff it a bit with my hands” tousled look.

  12. Abby

    August 28, 2014 at 11:54 am

    See, I’m failing to see why dropping my kid off for school from a jaeger is NOT a good idea.

    Related: the Pacific Rim theme music makes everything, including changing diapers and pushing out an almost-nine-pound baby ten thousand times more epic. I can only assume it would work just as well for dropping kids off at school.

    • Rachel Sea

      August 28, 2014 at 1:31 pm

      And if anyone in the carpool lane gives you attitude, you can annihilate them

  13. Spongeworthy

    August 28, 2014 at 12:31 pm

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      August 28, 2014 at 1:27 pm

      I can’t stop watching this.

    • Alex Lee

      August 28, 2014 at 3:24 pm

      The whole performance:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAshNAfOHTg

      Guy Pearce, Terence Stamp, and Hugo Weaving. <3

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      August 28, 2014 at 3:51 pm

      You’re pretty much the best

  14. Kitsune

    August 28, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    If I had a Jaegar I would wear it everywhere and no one could stop me because chainsword.

    • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

      August 28, 2014 at 1:27 pm

      Right? Imagine the possibilities! No waiting in lines, no dealing with traffic, no being told ‘no’. It would be awesome.

  15. Rachel Sea

    August 28, 2014 at 1:26 pm

    For something both contemporary and retro, there is also a Groot costume that looks like a meat dress. http://images.buycostumes.com/mgen/merchandiser/806977.jpg?zm=800,800,1,0,0

  16. ted3553

    August 28, 2014 at 1:57 pm

    I just heard on this morning that scientists have figured out how to take over 98% of the allergens out of peanuts so I for one will be rocking my strategically place peanut butter bikini at pick up

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