Picture it: you’re a million weeks pregnant. Your hormones are out of control and you get turned on when your leggings rub you the right way. You and your partner go on a lovely date, come home, and things start getting interesting. Maybe you snap some lingerie on your swollen body, maybe you light some candles and put on some music. Things are moving right along, everything is feeling great, there are moans and gasps and then … it goes sideways. Could be your gas, could be the baby moving at an inopportune time, but pregnant sex can be a bag of unwelcome and mortifying surprises. Be prepared for some of these less-than-sexy moments when you do the deed during pregnancy.
Unless you have a high-risk pregnancy or your doctor tells you otherwise, I invite you to have all the pregnant sex!
1. It can be so good. It can also be horrifying, like when your gas gets the best of you and you fart in your partner’s face.
Is there a worse time to cut one than when you’re got a face literally in your crotch? Oral sex is fantastic during pregnancy. That is, until you relax a little too much and fart when your partner’s nose is itches from your ass. Even if it’s silent, they’re going to smell it.
2. Even in the first trimester, things can go horribly wrong. That morning sickness can happen … whenever.
Oral sex is a lovely thing, yes? Giving and receiving! Except when the blowjob you’re in the middle of triggers your hair-trigger pregnancy gag reflex and you fill your partner’s lap with the dinner you shared an hour ago. Sexy!
3. The heat of the moment can be exhausting, tbh.
All that rhythmic movement can be so soothing, and before you know it, you’re snoring while your partner pleases you do below. Nothing says, “OH YES BABY YOU’RE DOING IT SO GOOD!” like falling asleep mid-coitus.
4. If you’re not falling asleep during sex, you’re bursting into tears.
Beware the pregnancy hormones! They will take you on a severe roller coaster ride of emotions. You won’t even know why you started sobbing during sex, but there you’ll be, a crying, hiccuping mess when you should be making oooohing and ahhhhhing sounds.
5. Are you squirting? Are you peeing? It’s anyone’s guess!
“Wow babe, did you just squirt? Was it that good this time?!” “Uhhhh, sure. Yeah. Let’s go with that.” Pee happens, and it can (and probably will) happen during pregnant sex. Good practice for when your baby pees all over you, I suppose.
6. Other fluid gushes may happen, and holy shit would that be mortifying.
It seems unlikely, but it’s happened to plenty of women: their water breaks in the middle of having pregnant sex. What do you even DO at that point?! I mean, besides stop the sex and get to the hospital. At least it’ll make for an interesting birth story! “Well, son, your dad was balls deep inside me and my water broke, and you came just a few hours later!”
7. It’s super weird to think of it this way, but pregnant sex involves a third party who can ruin the entire moment.
LOL, I am cracking up imagining this scenario. You and your partner are in the middle of a nice sex session when suddenly your baby moves and stretches and you’re looking at a little set of hands or feet pushing up against your belly from the inside. Babies: mood killers from the get-go.
8. Perfectly-timed kicks can also be a pregnant sex killer.
Your partner is in the middle of pleasuring you orally, and that’s the moment your precious baby decides to stretch out their darling legs and lands a kick right on their parent’s forehead. Awkward.
9. When you squirt and you know it’s not pee because it came … from your boobs.
You’re on top (because you’re too big to be anywhere else) and things are happening and everyone is enjoying themselves and then suddenly, your boobs decide to drip or squirt right onto your partner’s chest. Thoughtful.
10. The mood for pregnant sex may never be right!
Listen, you’re feeling a lot and going through SO MUCH. And so is your partner! If you don’t ever feel “in the mood”, that’s perfectly fine. If you’re scared of hurting the baby, that’s perfectly normal (it won’t happen, but it’s a common and understandable fear). The most awkward thing about pregnant sex could be that you don’t want to even have it. Luckily, you won’t be pregnant forever, so you do you (literally, masturbation could be your best friend).
Pregnant sex can be amazing and enjoyable. And it can also be awkward and hilarious and yes, it can be embarrassing as fuck. Welcome to pregnancy and eventually parenthood, folks!
(Image: iStock / nd3000)