To: Our Loved Ones This Holiday Season
Subject: Christmas Update
Dear Friends and Family,
First I’d like to apologize for not being able to put together some kind of matching pajamas YouTube Christmas video. While I do wear pajamas 99% of the time, they’re not the kind that would inspire holiday cheer. You’re more likely to feel an overwhelming sense of disgust at my lack of personal grooming.
2013 proved to be a fantastic year. The kids are doing great. As I’m typing this I’m proud to report that no one has thrown up in 24 hours. This is a major victory. I spent yesterday mourning the loss of my favorite Tupperwares as it was vomited in numerous times by our oldest daughter, age 7. I can’t comfortably use it to store leftovers in anymore so if anyone would like to join me I’ll be pouring one out for my fallen plastic homie at around 2pm EST in the backyard. I guess I didn’t breastfeed this child long enough or maybe I skipped too many days of prenatals because she’s like Venus Fly Trap for viruses. She’s never met a bug she didn’t instantly succumb to.
Don’t worry, our little barfer is doing better now. Unfortunately she ended up missing her school’s holiday festival performance but I didn’t really want to see any of those parents anyway. She loves horses and of course the proverbial STD of her generation, Rainbow Loom. If I have to pick up one more of those little rubber bands off of the floor I’m going to melt it down and freebase it. Misery performance art.
If I had to pick a slogan to describe this year it would have to be “Lowering Our Standards As A Family.” Let’s take the word “dinner” for example. It can mean so many thing if you just open your heart. Two kids ago “dinner” might mean a meat, vegetable, and carbohydrate. Now it can mean pancakes or McDonalds 20 piece chicken nuggets with celery sticks to curb the guilt. Thank you, 2013.
As many of you know, this will be baby’s first Christmas for our six month-old. We’re celebrating with a prescription for thrush. My sweet infant and I are passing a very powerful yeast infection back and forth between each other via our nursing relationship. During this time of year I’d like to think that our strain of yeast goes all the way back to the baby Jesus and Mary. Maybe the holy mother also felt like little yeasty soldiers were entering her nipples and stabbing her breasts from the inside when she fed our savior. If you’re a bread baker feel free to come by the house with a petri dish for some leavening as I’m sure this stuff could raise a loaf. Anyway, I’ll be chasing my eggnog and rum with antibiotics as soon as I can get to the clinic.
How is the four year-old? She’s coping well with her new role as big sister but I’ll tell you one thing: middle child syndrome is real. I’m not sure whether to save for her
future therapy or bail bonds. As soon as I finally get her into bed I start eating those new gingerbread flavored Oreos and don’t stop until I forget how many times she cried and/or screamed “I DON’T LIKE YOU!” directly in to my face. Do they give electric shock therapy to preschoolers? Haha just kidding. I try to do a craft with her every day so by 3PM the house looks like someone binge drank glue, construction paper, and Disney princess stickers before throwing up everywhere. Speaking of Disney princesses, she’s also quite smitten with The Little Mermaid. Thank you, grandma, for the Ariel princess dresses. She wears them daily. Trying to snap the buckles on her carseat with 20 yards of tulle scratching my corneas isn’t making me want to leave my family and start a new life in a new city.
It’s been a fantastic year full of accomplishments. You’ll be proud to know that my laundry only sits in the washer for two days on average rather than 4-5 like it used to which means our water bill has gone down significantly. Having to rewash the same load with hot water with an extra rinse cycle, and a touch of bleach to kill the growing jungle fungus takes a toll on the budget.
Work is amazing. As all of you know I work from home (which to many of you is code for “I do nothing”). One of my new year’s resolutions is to try and forget every single conference call I’ve been on this year. If you’ve never tried to have a professional phone call with children in the background engaging in expert level monkey sabotage, you’re really missing out. Sometimes I wonder what my colleagues on the other end of the line would think if they knew that while I we are talking I was simultaneously wiping a young child’s butt hoping said child doesn’t fart into the receiver.
My goals for 2014? I’d love to start washing our sheets with some kind of regularity. Right now if you passed a black light over it you wouldn’t be able to distinguish my bed from a Motel 6 duvet. I’d love to learn how to grocery shop with three kids without us causing such a freak show that strangers actually stop what they're doing and stare. The looks of pity you get when you’re struggling in public with one or two kids are gone when people see you with three. Their eyes say, “You did this to yourself.” But really, part of me feels like we’re doing the world some good. We’re like a traveling live action birth control commercial.
More resolutions? We’re trying to have more date nights as a couple so if any of you feel like destroying a few hours on a Saturday let me know. They’re good kids.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. love, Bunmi
Bumni Laditan writes the blog Honest Toddler. You can see more of her writing here.
(Image: getty Images)