In case you were living under a rock for the past week and missed the whole Hobby Lobby debacle, SCOTUS five old men ruled that family owned corporations cannot be compelled to pay for certain types of contraception coverage under the affordable care act, because it would conflict with their religious freedom. Okay.
Hobby Lobby has been widely criticized for the fact that they'll continue to cover vasectomies (and a slew of other, less than admirable policies), making this pretty baldly an attack on women and their reproductive rights. Some of us may have wondered how on earth it is that SCOTUS doesn't seem to understand that one person's religions freedom isn't mutually exclusive from another's right to use contraception. Some of us might have cried actual tears of blind rage to see such blatant institutional support for something that will significantly hurt women, and our nation at large. Some of us don't understand how we got here.
Now, I was ready to boycott the place. I was seething with anger. But then I took to the Hobby Lobby website, and boy, was I shocked. Now, I'm pretty sure Hobby Lobby still isn't qualified to decide which medications it will and will not subsidize for its employees–my understanding was that we had created an elite class of narcissists called "doctors" to tell us which medications to use. But, after perusing the Hobby Lobby website, I simply cannot believe for a moment longer that these people have a problem with sex. In fact, if we're to look at their product line, it's pretty obvious that these people are kinky sex freaks who are into all sorts of things. Clearly, their biggest hobby is sexy stuff. In fact, these guys could give any sex store a run for its money.
1. Here's some anal beads.
If you want to tell me that this Multi Color Glass Bead Strand (made by "Bead Treasures" and from the "Poetic Spirit" Collection) isn't meant to be inserted into an anus in such a way that it stimulates one sexually, then you'd be a goddamn liar. You cannot look me square in the eye and tell me this isn't a sex toy. I know how the world works. I know where you put those things.
2. Everyone loves a cock ring.
Nothing makes a penis look more regal or sophisticated than a cock ring. Luckily, the forward thinkers over at the Hobby Lobby have you covered with these vaguely named "White Plastic Rings" (and offer a variety of sizes) so that you can look your best for your next sexual rendezvous. Or, just wear it for yourself. It'll be your little secret! It comes in a pack of 24, which means if you lose one (I don't need to know where), you've got plenty of back up. You'll never be caught with an undecorated penis again! Thank you, Hobby Lobby!
3. Well, here's some butt plugs.
I was perusing the "Accessories and Notions" category of the Hobby Lobby site, and I was elated to stumble upon this Point Protector set, or in the common parlance, butt plugs. The set comes with two pairs, which is lovely if both you and your partner like the feeling of being stuffed up the bum. Blessedly, it also comes in a jumbo size. You know, it's time to talk about butt play. I want to tip my hat to Hobby Lobby for being so forward thinking and progressive about this–many people have some sort of mental block when it comes to backdoor action (see: the Great #Cilantro Debate). But I love that the Hobby Lobby is doing its part to encourage us to be more open about our sexual desires, and to experiment. Way to go, HL!
4. And here's a wood dildo.
I have literally no idea what a wood dapping block does in the craft sense, but I know what a wooden phallus does in the vaginal sense. One warning: I'm a little hesitant when it comes to wooden sex toys–they're porous and can absorb bacteria. You really should read up on wooden sex toys before inserting this into your orifices.
5. And a glass dildo!
They also sell glass dildos, if that's more to your preference. Although the silicone models are dishwasher safe, glass is endlessly recyclable. It's nice that at least the Hobby Lobby cares about the environment. Just don't tell them Mother Earth is female.
6. You could try nipple clamps.
This Brown Cast Iron Clip is described as "[a]ccent décor while getting practical use out of this functional Brown Cast Iron Clip," which is not a full English sentence that I understand. However, HL goes on to mention that "[t]he clip opens to hold items such as paper, poster board, art work and more." And more, indeed! Look, some people are really into nipple stimulation, and don't get enough action from another person. That's where clamps like this come into play. It's cool that this one is so awesome looking. It's just another example of how HL takes aesthetics into account when providing options to broaden your sexual horizons.
7. Or this double ended insertion situation.
I bet you all thought that dildos were single-user mechanisms–am I right? Actually, I'm probably wrong, you sick devils. Luckily, Hobby Lobby knows that dildos are hardly only for one person's enjoyment, and is championing the use of double ended sexual insertion through their handily misnamed "Sock Shaper." It's almost as if Hobby Lobby's motto is "it takes two to tango" instead of "we're just going to set up shop in your uterus and do some business in here."
8. There's a hand crank vibrator.
This Portable Craft Hand Drill is perfect for solo penetration on camping trips (or try it at the airport, office, Starbucks, or any place without an outlet). Truly one of the most difficult aspects of battery operated sex toys is that inevitably the batteries die, and it's always at the least opportune moments. This baby is fully ready to go without power. Just discard those drill bits (those are for show–this thing is shaped like an actual penis so excuse me if I don't believe this serves a legitimate crafting purpose) and get cranking.
9. And a masturbation sleeve.
This item is called the "Small French Knitter," which should speak for itself. There is simply nothing that goes by that name that is not intended for sexual purposes, and I know a bunch of French people who will back me up on that. Upon closer visual examination, this appears to be a knock off Flesh Light, or a tube that one inserts a penis into for achieving sexual pleasure. Huzzah! I really love Hobby Lobby's championing of masturbation in addition to anal play, which is all too often painted as immoral or dirty, instead of healthy and normal. Good on them.
10. And for the visually and historically stimulated among us, here's some cool Victorian anatomical porn.
This set of "Pink Victorian Scissors" is pretty awesome if you're into niche pornography that draws its inspiration from Victorian anatomy textbooks. If I had to guess, I would imagine that this is about as accurate a drawing of a woman's reproductive system that any Hobby Lobby big wig could draw, probably labeling it "the, uh, downstairs."
Photos: Hobby Lobby