The 10 Ways My Brother Proved Boys Are Gross And Evil
“Fuzzy Bunnies” is something that sounds nice but is actually awfulsauce. It involved driving his elbow into my thigh really hard for a long time and shouting “It feels like little fuzzy bunnies brushing against your skin, doesn’t it??” It did not.
My brother and I both worked at HersheyPark when we were old enough. He worked at a game booth and I worked as the giant Hershey’s Kiss. He had the day off and came to the park while I was in costume. First he waved at me cheerfully, and then suddenly made a Braveheart style let’s-go-fuck-shit-up motion with his arm, at which point he and about five of his friends dogpiled me. The shape of the costume meant a lot of very embarrassing flailing and rocking back and forth. I required the help of a Hershey’s Syrup bottle and Kit Kat Bar to right myself.
*When I asked him about this incident, his response was “Holy shit! That was you? I wasn’t even picking on you specifically—I was just being an asshole.”
Minty Eye Mask
This refreshing spa treatment was actually just my brother smooshing peppermint patties into my eyes while I slept.
Rue 21 was my favorite store when I was in the throes of puberty. I begged a ride off of my brother one Saturday and when we got there, he disappeared. Just when I was starting to worry, he burst out of the fitting room in a pleather mini skirt and a tie-dyed halter top and grinded on a store mannequin in front of the crowded store while singing Monty Python’s “The Penis Song”. Banned for life.
This might shock you, but my brother and I ended up in family therapy a more than a few times together. Instead of using this time to heal our fragile psyches, he mostly spent it speaking in tongues, claiming he was Xanthor, Lord of The Fart Lands, or asking the therapist if Schnozzberries did, in fact, taste like Schnozzberries.
My brother and I fell out of contact when he was a little older than 16—we reconnected about 4 years ago, and with a little distance between his scheming and dickery, this stuff is actually really funny. To cleanse your palette, here’s the unofficial #11: He made me cry like my eyes were full of minty confection when he admitted that he snuck into my high school graduation when I was 18 to watch me walk. I never knew. Love you, Xanthor!