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Boring Dietitians Share Tips For Ruining Your Kid’s Halloween

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Those boring dietitians must love Halloween because it’s one of the only times of the year when we care what they have to say about anything. When they aren’t busy mommy-shaming us into foregoing cupcakes to fit into our skinny jeans, they are eagerly awaiting the month of October so they can be interviewed about how parents can ruin Halloween for kids by being delicious Milk-Dud dictators.

Oh now, for all of you dietitians reading this I don’t think you are boring and it’s nice you can help us all figure out what to eat in order to live long, healthy, happy lives, but I also firmly believe that parents are pretty smart people. We know how to do all kinds of things, like threaten our kids with no video game time until they have done their homework, find a local Applebee’s when we need one, and monitor our kid’s intake of Halloween candy. Parents are all smart like that! But still, every Halloween, just like a slutty candy corn costume, dietitians appear out of nowhere to give us parents advice that most of us know already.

From our friends at Tulsa World:

To prevent overeating, especially on Halloween night, make sure your trick-or-treaters eat a nutritious meal first.

“The best defense is a good offense,” said Stephanie Harris, a registered and licensed dietitian with Hillcrest Hospital South. Start the night with a well-balanced meal or healthy snack, like a peanut butter sandwich and fruit.

So for all you parents who were planning on just letting your kids go trick or treating without dinner and letting them enjoy fistfuls of fun-sized candy bars as a meal, you probably shouldn’t do that. Duh.

From The Huffington Post:

Dr. Kevin Strong, founder and CEO of Dunk the Junk, a national organization to get kids to switch from soda and junk food to healthier options, suggests cool fruits such as clementines, starfruit, and ugli fruit if your budget allows.

You guys, this is an excellent idea! And I have found us a source where we can buy uglifruit, for the bargain price of thirty dollars for 6 pieces of fruit. Doctors! They are just like us except they can afford to hand out five dollar pieces of fruit on Halloween in order to keep kids healthy! Another suggestion that I keep seeing everywhere is to hand out raisins, also known as “Nature’s Candy”, also known as “Dried up grapes that will make any kid super sad when they find them lurking at the bottom of their trick or treat bag.” I can see handing out snack-sized bags of pretzels or Goldfish crackers but raisins? Raisins! Not to raisin-shame the raisins but I don’t want my kids to get no stinkin’ raisins because even I won’t try and steal those.

From The Detroit Free Press:

To ensure a safe and healthy Halloween for kids, here are some tips for parents from Dr. William Gillespie, a pediatrician and chief medical officer at EmblemHealth:

Consider trading a toy or extra allowance for your children’s candy. If they are young enough, say the Candy Fairy will substitute a toy for the candy if they leave it out for her.

Santa Claus. The Easter Bunny. The Tooth Fairy. The Candy Fairy? Really? This doctor is suggesting we invent a magical Candy Fairy from Candyland who takes candy from kids and replaces the candy with toys? I don’t know about the rest of you, but my kids would be giving me half-melted Hershey bars and those cheapass suckers they get from the grocery store checkout lady in attempts to have me leave them out for the whimsical and magical Candy Fairy to swap with Barbie dolls and Xbox games. There ain’t gonna be no damn Candy Fairy visiting my house during Halloween week, not ever.

I can totally get behind donating excess Halloween candy. I can get behind letting your kids eating a few pieces and then rationing out the rest of it over the course of a few weeks and then tossing the rest. I can see substituting some of your kid’s candy with healthy treats and reminding them that too much sugar isn’t a great idea for their health or their little teeth. But there is no ways in hell raisins, ugli fruit, or this magical Candy Fairy will be part of my family’s Halloween celebration. That shit is just too scary for me.

(photo:  Dan Kosmayer/Shutterstock)

8 Comments

  1. momjones

    October 28, 2012 at 11:27 am

    Every one of my three kids will tell you that one of the best parts of Halloween night was hurriedly eating pizza with their cousins before hitting the streets! Afterwards they would dump their pillowcases out on the living room floor and devour their favorites before their dad and I could get our hands on it. After three days of pretty much unrestricted candy
    cramming (myself included), they had their fill, left the rest to rot, and survived to talk about it. The worst thing I had to say to them on Halloween night was the dreaded: “Put your coat over your costume, it’s cold out.”

    I’m a Grandma who knows about putting babies on their backs, keeping bumper pads, etc. out of cribs, Federal guidelines about car seats (“It Turns Out Our Parents…Don’t Know Hell…”). Sometimes I’m the one telling my daughter about recalls on products and new findings on nutrition. But when it comes to personal, cultural, and traditional celebrations and holidays, the most you can do is adapt, do what works, and have FUN – whatever that means. Besides, your kids aren’t going to remember that you made it a point to have ugli fruit on Halloween – unless, of course, you made it look like a grotesque monster…

  2. Em

    October 28, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    As a person who can’t stand sugary treats (but still loves the Holiday) I enjoyed the pretzels, and dried fruit bits, etc. I’m not boring, but it doesn’t make sense I can’t enjoy the festivities because sugar melts my mouth like lava. I would always trade my candy pieces for the snacks, which made me a favorite to trick or treat with.

  3. bumbler

    October 28, 2012 at 8:57 pm

    I can’t handle my kids eating all that junk. It’s not the sugar or calories that get me, it’s the artificial ingredients, dyes, toxic non-food additives etc. I realize most people don’t give a damn about that kind of thing, but it really irks me, even in halloween candy. There’s always some candy that passes the bill, and for the rest, I offer to buy each piece from my kids for 25¢. They can use the money to buy a toy, or a nice big slice of cake from the bakery, or a bar of dark chocolate, etc. As far as I’m concerned a handful of halloween candy isn’t going to hurt anyone, but an entire bag full is a bit much.
    Anyhow, I think the dietitians are a little off-base. One week of gorging on halloween candy isn’t going to make or break a kid’s obesity troubles. It’s the daily choices all year round that effect kids’ health. I DO see the point that our culture pushes holiday candy gorging (and lots of sweets in general), and maybe halloween is a place to start addressing that problem, but…it’s going to be quite the uphill battle.

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  5. Katherine Handcock

    October 19, 2013 at 8:52 pm

    I feel like, as long as kids eat basically well most of the time, a bit of craziness around Halloween (or Christmas, Easter, etc.) isn’t a big deal. To be honest, I kind of think the excessive focus on the minutia of what kids eat on a day-to-day basis isn’t very good for kids or parents. Parents are so busy worrying about the details of a day — he hasn’t had any fruit today! She only had one protein serving! — that it gets easy to miss the big picture of a child’s health, and kids get taught that what you eat, or don’t eat, is a BIG deal and a surefire way to get Mom or Dad’s attention.
    To me, I’d rather encourage my kids to eat what feels right for their body — in my experience, at least so far, my kids are a pretty good judge of what they need — and then let them decide how to portion out the massive candy haul. As long as parents don’t allow a Halloween gorgefest to become a regular routine, just let the kids have fun!

    However, I think for parents who really do object and want to limit candy, it’s great to do it in a way that gives the kids lots of choices. I like the idea of offering to buy or trade candy for other things — at the child’s choice — and I like the idea of encouraging kids to donate candy. It bothers me, though, when parents just take it away and dole it out themselves, because then it doesn’t seem like kids learn the skills to self-limit or make good choices, which does take practice!

  6. Katherine Handcock

    October 19, 2013 at 8:52 pm

    I feel like, as long as kids eat basically well most of the time, a bit of craziness around Halloween (or Christmas, Easter, etc.) isn’t a big deal. To be honest, I kind of think the excessive focus on the minutia of what kids eat on a day-to-day basis isn’t very good for kids or parents. Parents are so busy worrying about the details of a day — he hasn’t had any fruit today! She only had one protein serving! — that it gets easy to miss the big picture of a child’s health, and kids get taught that what you eat, or don’t eat, is a BIG deal and a surefire way to get Mom or Dad’s attention.
    To me, I’d rather encourage my kids to eat what feels right for their body — in my experience, at least so far, my kids are a pretty good judge of what they need — and then let them decide how to portion out the massive candy haul. As long as parents don’t allow a Halloween gorgefest to become a regular routine, just let the kids have fun!

    However, I think for parents who really do object and want to limit candy, it’s great to do it in a way that gives the kids lots of choices. I like the idea of offering to buy or trade candy for other things — at the child’s choice — and I like the idea of encouraging kids to donate candy. It bothers me, though, when parents just take it away and dole it out themselves, because then it doesn’t seem like kids learn the skills to self-limit or make good choices, which does take practice!

  7. Pingback: The Great Halloween Candy Debate | Nutrition Awareness

  8. Pingback: The Great Halloween Candy Debate - Nutrition Awareness

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