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Tennessee Residents Just Got Halloween Candy Shamed By Fun-Hating Department Of Health

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As I’ve mentioned before, I freaking LOVE me some Halloween (except for the whole racist halloween costumes part, I’m looking at you Julianne Hough). What’s not to love? There’s costumes, spooky stuff and Halloween candy! Oh the glorious Halloween candy! Unless you live in Clarksville, Tennessee. Nope, Clarksvilians (Clarksvillans?), you shouldn’t get too excited about Halloween this year, because your Department of Health is trying to ruin it. According to the TDH Family Health and Wellness Director Michael Warren, MD, MPH:

“Too many of us, without thinking, hand out calorie-loaded goodies that do great harm to children. There are many treats children may appreciate even more than another sugary piece of junk food. Fake teeth, stickers, small toys, pencils and other giveaways can be just as much fun to give and receive as unhealthy candy.”

There is seriously no way that the esteemed Dr. Warren was ever an actual child. EVER. No, he must have sprung fully formed from his mother’s head like the goddess Athena. Because no child, and I mean none, would enjoy getting some lame fake teeth as much as candy. Why? Because Halloween candy is effing delicious and fake teeth are dumb.

This is bad enough, but the suggestions only get worse as we read further:

Adult Halloween celebrants should also think about themselves and friends. For those who have leftover bags of candy, taking them to work the next day is not doing anyone any favors. Put leftover candy in the freezer out of sight and ration it over time until it’s gone. Tossing it in the trash is also an option. If a decorated cake shows up in the office, limit your tasting to about three small bites and then walk away.

First of all, office food-sharing is a holy rite that is NOT to be messed with. Second, taking three bites of cake and then leaving it is not only rude but blasphemy! Why would you tempt the wrath of the gods by wasting delicious, delicious cake? WHY? And who the hell throws away perfectly good Halloween candy? Don’t they know there are children starving around the world? If you wanna throw YOUR candy away, Mr. Moneybags, then I would be happy to give you my address…for…um, a charitable donation. Who are you? This guy?

“Happy Halloween to the GROUND!”

If you’re gonna take candy that your neighbors (who probably hate you) spent their hard earned money on and then gave to your kids, then you know what that makes you? A canoe of the douche variety.

Now, I get it. Tennessee comes in fourth when it comes to obesity in the US. I’m not advocating the practice of shoving each and every piece of candy down your kid’s gullet the day after Halloween. Of course some of the candy is going to go to waste, and I don’t think the idea of freezing it and eating it over time is a bad one. But this is skirting around the issue.

Children (and adults) in Tennessee aren’t overweight because of Halloween candy. They’re overweight because of a number of factors, including poverty, lack of access to healthy food and education, and probably a dozen other factors. But if they actually addressed the REAL issues then they might have to do some work, and ya know, make people’s lives better for the other 365 days in the year.

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