I Can’t Parent Without Wine, So This Global Wine Shortage Better Be A Hoax

I can’t parent without wine. I’m just kidding. I forgot Tequila existed for minute.

Last year, global supply for wine already barely exceeded demand. Adjusting the demand to include non-wine uses (such as making vermouth), there was actually an undersupply of about 300 million cases, marking the largest such shortfall in almost 50 years.

At the current pace, a global shortage of wine is fast approaching. ”Data suggests there may be insufficient supply to meet demand in coming years, as current vintages are released,” the report says.

My world is turning upside down. What’s next? Is modal cotton becoming extinct? I’m not sure how I can function without the exquisite give of a pair of modal cotton yoga pants. They really are so versatile. Untuck your t-shirt and cinch with a gold lame belt and you’ve really got a morning to evening look you can work with.

Don’t you take my mom jeans. I’m not kidding. Have you ever seen a grown woman try to ram her ass into a pair of those “boyfriend jeans” with the two and a half inch inseam? It’s horrifying, but not as horrifying as when said woman tries to sit down.

Is Instagram going out of business, too? How will I ever be sure that my kids are cuter than everyone else’s if I can’t constantly post their pictures, with just the right filter and line of focus, all day long? I’m not sure I know how to use a regular camera anymore. This is devastating. And I’m potty training now, too. The world needs to know about it.

The only other news that could be as bad as this would be that Annie’s is going bankrupt. God damn it – how fast can another business take an organic marketing angle on processed foods to rid me of all mom guilt and allow me to feed my kids boxed mac n’ cheese four days a week? No, I won’t feed my child Honey Graham’s are you fucking crazy? There’s high fructose corn syrup in those.

Is it clear that I’m joking yet? I saw the wine-shortage headline and just wanted to beat everyone to the punch with the stereotypical mom jokes.

End scene.

(photo: Everett Collection/ Shutterstock)