So, you had a baby! It was either amazing or awful, likely a combination of both. You had a couple of nice days in the hospital, with nurses waiting on you hand and foot. You think, well this isn't so bad! I can totally do this! And then they come in with discharge paperwork and tell you it's time to GTFO. And you have to take the baby with you. No nurses to change your icicle pad. Say goodbye to food delivery. It's just you, the baby, and (hopefully) a great support system at home. The first day home with your new baby will be magical and insane and horrible and perfect. Luckily, there are 16 gifs that totally nail what you're about to experience.
Strapping your tiny, precious, fragile newborn into their car seat for the ride home is the most stressful part of the day. And obviously you drove 3 miles an hour the entire way, and sat in the bitch seat despite your screaming vagina so you could be within reach.
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Do you ... feed it? Wake it up? First things first: unpack all the goods you stole from the hospital, and feed yourself. Trust us, you're going to want to be nourished.
Holy shit, newborns are LOUD. Ok, what are the steps again? Feed it, change it, feed it again, change it again, wrap it up, rock it for 3 hours.
You desperately want to wash the hospital off your body, so a scalding hot shower is the way to go. Just a heads up, this will be the best and shortest shower of your life.
If it's not nailed down, put it in your mouth. There's something about those first weeks after having a baby that makes you ravenous. And unless you gave birth in Japan, hospital food leaves a lot to be desired.
Chances are, you came home from the hospital with A LOT more shit than you went in with. Sitz bottles, formula, diapers, wipes, the glorious mesh panties. They need a home, and even though you should be sleeping when the baby is sleeping, you'll totally try to find a place for them right now.
Listen. Your first mistake was telling people when the baby was born. Your second mistake was telling people when you'd be home. Unless the visitors come bearing food and arms and hands ready to hold the baby, don't answer the door.
You are going to be holding the baby A LOT. Like, all the time. May as well find a comfy position.
The first poops at the hospital are cake compared to what the kid will unleash at home. Be prepared.
Your newborn will sleep ALL OF THE TIME. Except when you want it to. That's the rub!
Ohhhhhhh, hey! You! I sort of forgot you existed! Come here, give me a brief hug. And bring snacks.
If you've decided to breastfeed, just don't even bother with shirts for the first 2 weeks, starting on the first day home with your new baby. You won't need them.
Eventually you'll learn, when the baby sleeps, and you have no other obligations, GET YOUR ASS TO SLEEP. But first day home with your new first baby? Yeah, so many pictures.
Newborns are surprisingly adaptable. So the fact that they sleep the entire first day is not at all surprising, but should not be mistaken for complacency.
We know that having a bunch of people around the first day home with your new baby can be overwhelming. We also know it can be a GODSEND.
The visitors are gone. Your partner is asleep or putting the other kids to sleep. It's just you and this brand new human for the night. What the actual hell.