But with all this celebratory period talk, one thing no one ever told me is how fucking horrible your periods are after having kids. So let me break it to those of you still basking in your period-free glory: THEY ARE THE WORSTESTEST. I'm talking bleeding through super-plus tampons every 3 hours, leaking in your underwear like your 13-years-old, panty-liners ain't gonna stop this party, eat all the Advil, "Wait those aren't contractions those are period cramps?!" horrible. FOR DAYS.
Here's what happens: a few days before my period I spot, like my body sending me an Evite to the party that's about to happen. "Kate, you're invited TO A LIVING NIGHTMARE RIPPING YOUR BODY APART! Dress code: Those sweat pants from college and your tears! Guests: 1."
Then, I cry for 4-5 days. No joke, the last time I had my period I wept because I missed rain. Open, straight-up sobs over water that comes from the sky, and the lack of it here in Southern California.
Like a volcano, my body rumbles and quakes. I am taken over by a dull throbbing ache. Eventually I erupt, most often while I'm in the middle of buying all the 'pons and a pound of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups at Rite Aid.
For days, my body is ravaged by the heaviest flow I've ever had. It is reminiscent of my nightmarish high school periods, when I would just give up and lay down on the cool floor in front of my locker because there was no point in bothering to exist. The cramps knock me on my ass, and I pound the surely-expired Naproxen sitting in my medicine cabinet. Then I curl up on my couch with a hot water bottle and some Wheat Thins and look at Outlander GIFs on my iPad until the nightmare is over.
Now look, I know an easy solution to manage my cycles would be birth control. Pop dem pills and watch those periods go down to nothing, you say! But I am one of those annoying "not keen on pumping hormones into my body" people even though my OB swears it's fine, and so I've chosen this bloody, crampy, weepy fate. But I am here to let others now that this happens. I find there are still things we women are not telling each other about. Yes, I do blame the entire world population of moms for not telling me what a mucus plug was. How could you not share this with the rest of us? A plug.made.of.mucus. We need to know these things!
So my fellow sisthren, I am telling you now. Chances are the second that period comes back after having your precious babe, it's gonna give you hell. Stock up on the essentials and prepare for the worst. I shall say a pray to the period gods that your experience is not like mine. But just in case, have your period underpants suited up for battle and ready to fight.