being a mom

Getting Married Just Because You’re Pregnant Is A Terrible Idea

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getting-married-because-of-pregnancyWhen my husband and I found out that we were pregnant, the very first thing that people asked us was “When are you going to get married?

Despite anticipating the question, I was always at a loss to answer it. I tried to make a joke, usually by saying, “Well, we’re just going to handle one major life change at a time, I think.” Inevitably people would scoff, gasp, or otherwise look entirely scandalized at my willingness to live in sin with but not marry the man who had knocked me up.

My husband, who was my boyfriend at the time actually took the brunt of the criticism. He was accused of not doing the right thing more times than I can count. People would ask him “Don’t you want to be there for your child?” which was a total dick move, since he wasn’t planning on going anywhere, wedding certificate notwithstanding.

I think that people are much more accepting of unmarried parents now then they were before, but I still fielded enough questions about when we would “legitimize” my daughter that it forced me to really think about why getting married was a really bad decision for us at that time.

I think it started out as a strong desire to not be a cliche. The idea of a shotgun wedding epitomized everything I had tried to eradicate from my life: young woman gets pregnant, young woman gets married, young woman drops out of school to be a mother.

Once I started thinking about it, though, I was able to flesh out a list of better reasons to wait.

First, we were still getting to know one another. You can draw any conclusion you wish from that, but I’ve never been secretive of the fact that we got pregnant very early on. I had no desire to be married to someone I barely knew, and neither did he.

Second, I think it’s ultimately worse to stay in a relationship you hate so that your kid can have two parents under one roof than it is to have two happy parents in separate households. If things didn’t work out between us, I wanted us to be able to split amicably and easily instead of going through the most expensive break up ever down the line.

Third, resentment is a horrible way to start a marriage. I know for a fact that I would have resented giving in to pressure to marry, and I probably would have blamed my husband. Similarly, had I asked him to marry me, it would only feed into that other cliche: girl traps boy with pregnancy. I needed him to know that it was okay to leave me if he was unhappy, as long as he was there for his kid. My pregnancy wasn’t a ploy, and being married only would have turned it into one.

Finally, I wanted my marriage-whenever it happened-to be like anyone else’s. I wanted to marry someone that I loved and who loved me back, not because it made filing taxes easier or made hospital paperwork more efficient.

Ultimately, we made the right decision. We all lived under one roof and as my daughter grew, my husband and I came to respect one another and lean on each other, and eventually we did fall in love. I know that sounds mushy, but it’s the truth. By the time we finally got around to getting married, our relationship had survived so much that there was very little doubt in my mind that it would last.

I will always tell people that if being pregnant is the only or primary reason that they are considering marriage that they should absolutely wait. Give it one year. Give it two. I gave it five, and I don’t regret a single moment of living in sin with my family.

Plus, your kid can be in your wedding with you, which is kind of magical completely and totally adoraballs. See?

getting-married-because-of-pregnancy

 (Image: isak55/Shutterstock)

173 Comments

  1. @Real_George_Clooney

    May 8, 2014 at 2:01 pm

    How about getting pregnant to get married?

  2. Kay_Sue

    May 8, 2014 at 2:10 pm

    I really hated this question while we were expecting our second. It ranged from my dad telling me his pastor said that he could do couples counseling quickly so we could get it done before the baby, to my grandmother asking me why my (then future) husband was dragging his heels (spoiler: he wasn’t, I was).

    Our youngest is a “reunion baby”. Hubs had been in Germany for 2 years and Afghanistan for 11 months. We were both getting to know each other again, we were trying to figure out our own lives, and we weren’t in a rush to get married just because our baby was on the way. It wasn’t good enough for many people at the time, but it was absolutely good enough for us. Hell, we weren’t even sure what state we were going to live in–I had my job and school here, but he had moved back in with his parents four states away. No way did we want to try to figure out what state we were going to get married in.

    And honestly, if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want our son to carry the burden of, “Well, did they just get married because of me?” No, we didn’t. We got married because we chose to, period.

    I also have to say there was a lot of rebellion in it for me. My family is very conservative. I really didn’t want to cave to the pressure to get married that we had faced since our relationship had hit, oh, around the four month mark. I wish that was an exaggeration.

    We married when our youngest was a year and a half old. We’d worked out the kinks of our reunion and gotten to know each other again. We’d gotten through the stressful part of babying (for us). We were ready to make that change. We’d only been engaged for, ya know, six years or so………..;)

    Anyway, I’m apparently the queen of long rambling posts today, but the gist is: I totally agree, Theresa. And I despise the idea of “legitimizing” children. They are legitimate, in and of themselves. Period.

    • Mystik Spiral

      May 8, 2014 at 2:12 pm

      Not getting married to rebel against conservative parents is SOOOO something I would have done.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 8, 2014 at 5:45 pm

      My parents were pretty chill after the first month or so. But the rest of my family was off their rocker about it. I was the first of my cousins to do so in plain view of the family, and they just could not even with me for a while….

    • whiteroses

      May 13, 2014 at 8:20 am

      Are you me? Because you might be.

      DH and I were engaged for nearly two years. Mainly because my parents hate him (sad but true, may as well admit it to myself) and we wanted to give them time to get used to him. I got pregnant the first time we had ever lived in the same area for longer than four months. I was eight months pregnant when we finally got married.

      Our reasons, in order? We loved each other. We wanted to be together. I was scared to death of giving birth and in case something happened to me, I wanted there to be absolutely no question of where my son would be. Also, insurance.

      It’s “nice” to think that the only reason we got married is because of the baby, and I’m sure that’s what my parents would like to believe. But the fact is that we’d been engaged for two years. We were going to get married anyway- the baby just shoved that timeline forward a bit.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 13, 2014 at 2:01 pm

      Maybe I am…. *looks suspicious*

      I totally get this. For us, insurance wasn’t a factor, because I was the “breadwinner” at the time and he just used the VA for anything he needed. If it had been a factor, I’m sure we would have been way more inclined to tie the knot earlier. Not because baby, like my family wanted, but because, you know, having babies is effin’ expensive…

  3. Mystik Spiral

    May 8, 2014 at 2:10 pm

    The idea that a marriage certificate “legitimizes” a child makes me nauseous.

  4. Azalea

    May 8, 2014 at 2:13 pm

    I had an ex-boyfriend whose parents had married while they were pregnant with him. He felt a lot of guilt every time they had marital problems – because he blamed himself for them getting married. When my now husband and I had a pregnancy scare, he kept insisting he would marry me – and I kept telling him I didn’t want him to marry me for that reason alone. I didn’t want to put the burden I saw on my ex on my own child.

    • TwentiSomething Mom

      May 8, 2014 at 5:08 pm

      My mom and biological dad (who I have no relationship with) got married because she was pregnant. It kinds sucks because I know my mom went through so much heartache and a nasty divorce with someone she didn’t want to marry anyway.

  5. Megan Zander

    May 8, 2014 at 2:16 pm

    T is this your wedding pic? Can we talk about how insanely pretty you are?

    • Theresa Edwards

      May 8, 2014 at 3:13 pm

      All day, if you want.

    • Bethany Ramos

      May 8, 2014 at 3:19 pm

      Gorgeous!

    • Megan Zander

      May 8, 2014 at 3:26 pm

      I love this picture of you so much. It’s like a mag spread. #girlcrush. It’s also a good article, but natch you knew that. I forget that cultures can be so different even within the same country. I have friends and family who got pregnant without being married and the issue of marriage for the sake of the baby never came up, but I forget that’s not everyone’s story.

    • CrazyFor Kate

      May 8, 2014 at 3:41 pm

      Your daughter looks like Alice in Wonderland! Or was that the point…

    • JustaVisiting

      May 8, 2014 at 5:58 pm

      That’s really you? You`re beautiful. Love the hair

  6. candyvines

    May 8, 2014 at 2:18 pm

    Love, love, love that photo. Gorgeous!

  7. Valerie

    May 8, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    You are an insanely cute bride. Just beautiful.
    And I very much agree. Getting pregnant is not a reason to get married. If you were already planning to anyone, go for it. If not, I think it benefits all involved to get to know each other better first.

  8. Alene

    May 8, 2014 at 2:34 pm

    The only time I really ever “told off” my extremely traditional (read: Catholic) MIL was when my husband’s cousin got pregnant out of wedlock. MIL kept saying variations of “I really hope they get married” as the pregnancy went on, and finally I said that I hoped they were right for each other, because getting married just because you have a kid together doesn’t make it “right.” She hasn’t brought it up again around me.

    • Andrea

      May 8, 2014 at 8:05 pm

      Get this story: Catholic girl grew up in a very conservative family and attended Church. She got pregnant out of what seem to everyone nowhere…since the family hadn’t even met the boyfriend. But they were both good kids and wanted to do the right thing and went to the priest and asked to be married. Well, priest did not think it a good idea and wouldn’t marry them. He said that if they really wanted to be married, they should go to the justice of peace and do it and then in a year or two, after the baby and after some church premarital counseling, he would marry them “in the Church”.
      So you can look at it two ways: you can either think the priest a jerk for not married a pregnant girl to the father of the child and being all uppity about it OR you can see it as a priest not wanting to condone what he viewed as a shotgun wedding that wouldn’t do anyone any good.
      In the end, they stayed married and did the whole Pre-Canna thing and did get married in the Church a year or two later. And are still married.

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      May 8, 2014 at 9:51 pm

      Yup. I’m Catholic and we had been together 4 years and engaged several months (and gone through all the pre-wedding Catholic stuff) and I got pregnant. The priest recommended we wait until after the baby was born to get married because same thing. Had we not already done all the classes and been engaged for so long, I think he wouldn’t have married us before the baby was born either.

  9. Nichole

    May 8, 2014 at 2:40 pm

    My parents were engaged when they got pregnant with me (approximately 4 months after they met each other). They moved the wedding up and were married 6 months before I was born (about 7 months after they met and 5 months after they started dating- oh and my mom did NOT like my dad when they first met). They lasted 31 years (and I have 2 younger brothers) but to be honest I don’t think they would have gone through with getting married if they hadn’t gotten pregnant. Not that I had a bad childhood or dealt with constant fighting but they were not a good match and when all of us kids were out of the house that became clear. They don’t have a lot in common besides me and my brothers. If I had gotten pregnant before getting married I would have waited to get married- I never wanted a child to be the “reason” for getting married and I didn’t want to wonder if my husband was marrying me because he wanted to or because he felt like he “had to” because of a baby. Luckily we were married for 3 years before having our daughter and 6 years before our twins were born.

  10. keelhaulrose

    May 8, 2014 at 2:42 pm

    The best advice I’ve ever heard regarding something like this is that “babies are too young to have a job. They can’t thrive if they have a job”.
    In this case, that would mean their job is to keep a relationship together that may not be together. If you are genuinely happy in your relationship you can stay together and have the baby (two separate thoughts). If you’re unhappy it will not be doing anyone, including the baby, any favors by staying together and trying to force something. It’ll probably do harm.
    The ‘right’ thing is sometimes the socially unacceptable thing, but it’s still the right thing.

  11. Dramatic Anti-Climax

    May 8, 2014 at 2:57 pm

    Interestingly enough, I’m a Catholic, and although my parents wanted us to get married before the baby arrived, my priest actually said that he wouldn’t recommend even starting the classes before January (baby was due at the end of November). He said that getting married just because there was a baby on the way was the quickest way to making a mistake, even though we had already been engaged.

    • CrazyFor Kate

      May 8, 2014 at 3:40 pm

      My dad is Anglican clergy, and he refused to marry expecting couples during the pregnancy unless they had been engaged prior to getting pregnant. It was the mid-60’s. He had seen way too many divorces by that point.

    • Andrea

      May 8, 2014 at 8:07 pm

      I posted a similar story above about a couple I know. Priest said the same thing to them. He married them later.

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      May 8, 2014 at 9:53 pm

      Yup, me too. Dammit I already said this above and missed out on putting it here.

  12. val97

    May 8, 2014 at 2:57 pm

    Beautiful photo!
    I am so glad I did not marry my oldest’s son’s biological father. We were engaged and then I called it off. Phew. One of my better decisions.

  13. TwentiSomething Mom

    May 8, 2014 at 2:58 pm

    I hate this question unless its being asked by someone in a similar situation. Sometimes we have the same reasons and its cool to talk it out with someone that actually understands.

    People say my bf needs to be a man and be there for his family or step up to the plate. I think he’s doing a good job but things aren’t great. Do we fight? No. Do we hate each other? No. We love each other and our son but there are some things that I don’t think I can handle about him in 10 years or even 5 years. I feel I’m doing the right thing by not getting married so I don’t turn around and have a divorce which is a lot more difficult than just breaking up.

  14. Elisa Probert

    May 8, 2014 at 2:59 pm

    I’m lucky in that when I was a teen and my mom finally decided to talk to me about sex and such, after having me read a series of Christian books about my developing body, what she said was NOT the same as what those books said.

    First, don’t get married just because you want to have sex. Second, if you do have sex, and get pregnant, only get married if you really really want to.

    My grandma assumed when my parents got married with rather short notice that it was because mom was pregnant. Hellllo, they were military and Dad was about to be deployed, pretty standard procedure for military folks to get married FAST. If mom was pregnant, I was WAY late…they got married in August of ’77, I was born in October of ’78. Apparently we are elephants.

    • Kelly

      May 8, 2014 at 3:20 pm

      LOL, yeah that’s pretty standard in the military. My husband and I did the same. It was an option between being stationed thousands of miles apart or doing some fast paperwork and living together. It really wasn’t that hard of a decision.

    • Guest

      May 9, 2014 at 12:17 pm

      My Mom works with a super conservative lady. Her daughter flat old told everyone that her and her new boyfriend were getting married “because they wanted to have sex”. First, dumb. Second, I was shocked that someone who is so religious like crazy had no problem telling her overly religious mother that she wanted to get married just to bang the guy? Ew, ew, ew.

  15. Rachel Sea

    May 8, 2014 at 3:01 pm

    My cousin sabotaged her birth control so that she would get pregnant, and her rich boyfriend would have to marry her. We’re all shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, that though she is knocked up, there is no ring in sight.

  16. K.

    May 8, 2014 at 3:04 pm

    Gosh, I’m just a super boring non-sappy jerk here, because to me, marriage IS
    basically a financial contract and a tax shelter. I mean, yeah, it’s about commitment and love and all that too…but only if you want it to be, and you can have all that without getting married. Marriage doesn’t “increase” or “prove” those emotional and psychological attributes any more than voodoo. The flipside of that coin is that you are, for all intents and purposes, “married” to whomever you have children with (exempting a one-night-stand or something like that) in that they’ll be in your life forever. You can hate them all you want, but you’ll never be rid of them.

    So yeah, I’m going to be Miss Sunshine here and say people who think marriage somehow fixes emotional issues (such as the ‘illegitimacy’ of a child) are naïve AND that they’re also naïve if they think that marriage is somehow going to cement the permanence of the relationship between unmarried parents. It doesn’t. The kid’s existence already does (or should, but that’s another story).

    That aside, now I am going to be sappy-sap and say that your picture is too, too adorable for words.

    • brebay

      May 8, 2014 at 5:24 pm

      It so is. Most single, college-educated people can’t afford to buy a house on one income, much less support a child alone with no maternity/paternity leave.

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      May 8, 2014 at 6:48 pm

      I’ve got the comments (and my blog!) to back up my super-boring-non-sappy-jerkishness, but I totally agree: marriage, to me, is solely about tax shelters, financial investments, health insurance, plus a dash (wherein the top fell off, thus turning into a flood) of patriarchically rooted traditions that I simply do not agree with. But the picture got me, too!

    • Theresa Edwards

      May 8, 2014 at 8:45 pm

      Oh, that’s not to say I’m not pragmatic. I know what’s up. But tax breaks are sweeter with someone you love, no?

  17. Kelly

    May 8, 2014 at 3:15 pm

    This is kind of funny to me because I had the opposite experience. My husband and I were pregnant when we got married but the big reason we married is because we were military and our jobs weren’t compatible. We were going to be separated and stationed on different bases. That was something we were already dreading and then an unplanned pregnancy sealed the deal for us. It was bad enough looking at a long distance relationship but one with a kid? No thank you.

    People treated us like fucking morons for it. My family, his family, pretty much all of our friends. They couldn’t seem to grasp that we were getting married so the Army would actually try to station us together. If I had miscarried, the wedding would have gone on.

    Frankly, I think getting married so you can live together in the same state with the person you love is a hell of a lot better than doing it because… um… like, you’re supposed to? LOL

    I think people should just do what they want in their relationships and other people should just butt the hell out.

  18. yourdoctoronline

    May 8, 2014 at 3:28 pm

    well i think its a strange idea

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  20. SA

    May 8, 2014 at 3:55 pm

    The cuteness of that picture is TOO much! 🙂

  21. keetakat

    May 8, 2014 at 4:01 pm

    My husband asked me to marry him one January afternoon… 3 hours, one spliff + a bottle of Patron later…. I wish I could post a picture of me in my wedding tent — eh, dress. We didn’t get married because we were pregnant, we got pregnant because we were going to get married. Does what I just wrote make any sense at all?

  22. CW

    May 8, 2014 at 4:03 pm

    The “shotgun” weddings I’ve seen last were those where the couple had already been together for a while and the pregnancy was the catalyst to moving on to a more permanent commitment. There’s a big difference between dating somebody a few months and then having a shotgun wedding and living together for years and then having a shotgun wedding.

    • aCongaLine

      May 8, 2014 at 4:36 pm

      The baby as a catalyst is my husband and I to a tee. perfectly stated. when we got married, we were building a family, not just marrying each other. the fact that I dont have an engagement ring- is a nod to our situation when we got married- that money was better spent on baby related items.

  23. aCongaLine

    May 8, 2014 at 4:29 pm

    We got married while expecting our first, little ms oops. 95% because it made sense in regards to health insurance, 5% because hubs was REALLY pro-wedding. we’ve doubled our brood with a planned-it-for-realz baby, and so far so good. But, we were headed into longtermland anyway. totally different if the relationship is fleeting, or unhealthy.

  24. m

    May 8, 2014 at 5:19 pm

    Probably this complaint is pretty old, but I hate that “we are pregnant” expression soooo much. It is YOU who was pregnant, not your husband. /rant over

    • KarenMS

      May 8, 2014 at 9:54 pm

      The phrase is a personal preference. If the mother wants to use it, leave her alone. You’re being obtuse if you’re pretending you don’t know it’s just a hyperbolic way of saying “we’re expecting.” A little joyful hyperbole doesn’t hurt anyone.

    • m

      May 9, 2014 at 12:26 pm

      Why not just say “we’re expecting”, then? But well, probably I am an obtuse grammar nazi, even though English isn’t even my mother tongue. Though I did say it was *me* who hates it, so personal preference there too.

  25. wispy

    May 8, 2014 at 6:09 pm

    Love your wedding pic so much. Magical is right.

  26. Snarktopus

    May 8, 2014 at 6:20 pm

    Probably TMI, but by our (admittedly imperfect) math, our kid was conceived the night my husband proposed. We did a quick courthouse wedding so her birth would be covered by his insurance, but had our ceremony and reception and everything on the day we had picked originally, approximately 3 months after she was born. So we have incredibly cute wedding pictures with this tiny little baby.

  27. NotTakenNotAvailable

    May 8, 2014 at 6:55 pm

    Good for you! I’m of the opinion that even (especially?) the most lovey-dovey couples should wait at least a few years before taking that step. I’ve heard people pooh-pooh relationships that go for longer than two years without a proposal, because apparently there’s some “wisdom” that states that if he hasn’t gotten down on one knee by then, you’ve let him get too comfortable and he’s never going to make the effort or some such nonsense. I always reply that if my ex had proposed two years or less in, I would’ve said yes because we were like SOOOOO IN WUUUUUV, and then I’d most likely still be dealing with the fallout from the Colorado Family Court system. IMHO, there’s absolutely no good reason, including a human-to-be, to get married before you’ve had time to let the infatuation cool off.

    Also, add me to the, “Aww! Lovely picture!” crowd!

    • gothicgaelicgirl

      May 10, 2014 at 2:30 pm

      This!!!
      Once the fella and I hit the one year mark, we were getting people hinting that he should pop the question because “He’s been married before, he knows how important it is to a girl”

      TO A GIRL!!!
      I’d go batshit at this, and inform people that IF he wanted to marry me, he could and IF he wanted to just be married ONCE in his life, I was cool with it.

      He proposed on our 4 year anniversary, and guess what?

      Then we got people saying “O I wouldn’t have said yes, he’s already been married, it won’t be special cos it’s not his first time”

      Idiots.

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      May 10, 2014 at 3:34 pm

      Head, meet desk. Oh, wait, to judge by the size of the dents, you two have already been introduced multiple times.

      Sorry you had to go through that shit!

    • gothicgaelicgirl

      May 10, 2014 at 3:46 pm

      LOL
      I just tend to say “O well, now it can be the wedding we BOTH want, and by the way, did I mention we’re both Atheists, o and also, I’m not gonna be wearing white because I dress kinda Gothy!”

      I usually get as far as saying “No church wedding” before I see the “O shit I should not have said anything” look in their eyes.

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      May 10, 2014 at 7:17 pm

      Oof, I know where I live in the States, I’d probably get an earful if I used the words “atheism” or “atheist” anywhere in the conversation! I’d probably be able to distract ’em for two seconds by mentioning that I was raised nominally Jewish and hope that they (incorrectly) connected the dots to use that as an explanation for why I wouldn’t get married in a church, but a discussion on why I would favor a tux over a dress, white or not…well, suffice to say that this is a small, but noteworthy nonetheless, part of why I don’t date, lest the dates eventually lead to a relationship serious enough to discuss this (and that only if the fellow were so breathtaking perfect for me that he managed to convince me to back off my personal anti-marriage stance, which would be a whole different issue I’d not want to get into with busybodies)!

  28. Jennie Blair

    May 8, 2014 at 9:21 pm

    I spent the whole of my sisters second pregnancy being the only person on team don’t do it. 8 months in the pressure was too much and she married lord douche canoe, guess how that crap fest ended?

  29. Zulu

    May 8, 2014 at 10:27 pm

    I feel like you should probably have a baby before you get married. It is such a life changing even it will definitely put your relationship to the test. It’s the best way to see if someone will truly be there for you. Not that you should have a baby to test your relationship but wait to get married if you find yourself pregnant before you are married. Great article!

  30. Lesleykc

    May 9, 2014 at 10:15 am

    Right before I announced my pregnancy to my parents (I was about 6 or 7 weeks), my mother told me my boyfriend and I should get married and stop “putting it off”. She said she didn’t see what the big hold up was and if we were to have a child, it would be nice if we were a “family”. As if being in a relationship for 3 years and buying a house together wasn’t enough of a commitment for her to see us as a enough of a family to produce a child. This delayed me telling my side of the family I was pregnant by almost a month longer than his side. You better believe that when we told my parents, nearly the first question out of their mouths after “when are you due?” was “when are you getting married?”. Uh, one big thing at a time, skipper. This question has come out of practically everyone’s mouth- as serious judgment disguised as a joke in the majority of the cases. It’s insulting that I can’t just be happy about our news, I have to be disappointed that we aren’t a real enough family, or not committed enough for most people. Or that I’ve done it “out of order” somehow. I’d be willing to wager that we are lightyears more committed without a marriage than some people I’ve known who have been married and produced a child later.

  31. Guest

    May 9, 2014 at 12:11 pm

    So you’re saying you didn’t give your daughter the last name Snow? How is anyone supposed to know that she isn’t as legitimate as those born to people with a piece of paper in their possession?!

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