being a mom

You Don’t Have To Be The Frumpy Mom

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imageBefore I had my kids, I took great care with my appearance. I’ve always been a girl who wears makeup, has regular hair appointments and attempts to keep up with clothing trends. I have never been one to wear pajama pants in public or go out with unwashed hair. It was partly vanity driving me but I was also raised to keep in mind that the way I take care of myself says something to the rest of the world and I wanted to give the impression that I had my act together. I definitely believed that people respected me more for making an effort and caring about how I look.

Once I became pregnant, it simply never entered my mind to change my standards with how I took care if myself. I was determined to not become a frumpy mom who does not take time to look decent before going somewhere. At a few points during my first pregnancy, mothers I was friends with would joke about having no time to get ready because they had children. Knowing my penchant for primping, they would teasingly tell me to enjoy being able to do my hair and makeup now before the baby comes. As if the placenta dropping meant I would lose the ability to operate my flat iron and pick out a cute outfit. These comments only made me more determined not to let things slide once my daughter was born. While I had no doubt my priorities would shift considerably never did it occur to me that one of those priorities would be the care and keeping of myself. After all, I’m still a person whether I’ve given birth or not. I was ready to sacrifice sleep and certain freedoms but I was not ready to sacrifice trips to Sephora and time in the morning to get myself together.

Once my daughter was born and after I had healed from my c-section I started venturing out in public again. If I needed to get ready and my husband was not around to take care of her I would put her in the bouncy seat or I would just plan my beauty time around her naps. I truly cannot remember struggling with this- like anything else that had to get done, I did it. I figured if I could carve out time for laundry, dishes and cooking then I could certainly save a few extra minutes to put on eyeliner and perfume. I had no interest in becoming a mommy martyr and sacrificing my self-esteem and happiness for my kids. Even once I had two under two I still managed. I just refused to leave my house feeling unattractive and sloppy. I felt I was worth the extra effort and I know it helped my attitude to look my best. It was just as easy to put on cute jeans and a scarf. No need for yoga pants and baggy t-shirts.

Now before you jump on me to defend your public pajamas, messy bun and makeup free face think about it-you can find time for everything else you do. Why not find time for getting ready beyond a layer of deodorant and stretchy pants? There are more benefits than just feeling good about yourself. When you take steps to maintain your appearance it will help your marriage too. It will help you to be confident, which I truly believe makes for a better sexual relationship with your partner. Let’s be real, here- if he sees you every day looking like you couldn’t care less how is that helping your relationship? I think too many women throw in the towel once they have kids and say “too bad, I don’t have time, he better deal with it”. I would be very unhappy if my husband decided to stop going to the gym, wearing cologne and getting haircuts. Of course looks aren’t everything but I love that he cares enough about me to try. I would be hurt if he did not and I wouldn’t blame him for feeling that way about me. It takes effort and I will tell any mom that will listen that I believe it is very important to keep up with your looks after having kids. I am completely positive that by taking care of myself and therefore, having a healthy self-image, I am a better mother and wife for it.

(Image: Studio10Artur/Shutterstock)

284 Comments

  1. chickadee

    May 27, 2014 at 3:14 pm

    This was fine until you started giving a 1950s lecture to others. Yay for you that you avoided frumpy…so did I. But other mothers have other circumstances and other priorities, and perhaps some women don’t now and never did care particularly how they appear to others. I don’t care, personally, because we do what works for us. So maybe don’t tell other women how they should be.

    • Frances "Librle" Locke

      May 27, 2014 at 5:45 pm

      I wish I would upvote this 1000 more times. I personally like to play around with makeup and wear cute stuff, and I manage to about 90% of the time (especially now that 2 out of my 3 are in school and the youngest is getting older), but I would never try to put that expectation on someone else.

    • whiteroses

      May 28, 2014 at 6:11 pm

      This. My husband actually prefers me without makeup and in crap clothes, because that’s how I’m most comfortable. Funny thing, that- he thinks I look beautiful no matter what.

    • Momma425

      May 27, 2014 at 7:01 pm

      I agree.
      Also, I would like to note that I have reciently started working out- and often wear more athletic clothing and very minimal make-up when going out because I am on my way to, or on my way home from the gym. I wouldn’t necessarily call yoga pants (that fit) and an athletic top/jacket and sneakers frumpy. Also, I work at a community clinic and I stopped wearing make-up to work- my face breaks out when I wear it that long, and there really is NOBODY to impress there. I guess my point is there are a bunch of reasons for why people leave the house looking how they do, and just because they are in something comfortable/no make up doesn’t mean they have thrown in the towel and are the queen of lazy appearances or that I am not trying to look good when I am at home, with my husband.

    • smhmommy

      May 28, 2014 at 2:36 pm

      The reason I hate this article is that it makes me feel insecure. I know people seem to be angry that the author implies that people simply could structure their days better, but some people take a lot of more work to look good…including me! It’s great that you can figure out how to look great with kids, but I am still working on it and it makes me sad that I’m not as polished as I used to be. Please add more guilt by implying my husband no longer finds me attractive (as if I already wasn’t self conscious enough about my post baby body).

  2. Guest

    May 27, 2014 at 3:16 pm

    On the other hand, it’s TOTALLY OKAY if you don’t feel like putting on makeup and dressing up today or any day and you should never feel shamed for deciding to take the time to do other things instead.

    Also this:

    “Let’s be real, here- if he sees you every day looking like you couldn’t care less how is that helping your relationship?”

    Ewh.

    • keelhaulrose

      May 27, 2014 at 3:19 pm

      I see him every day looking like he spent eight hours working in a sweaty auto shop, so he’s covered in a layer of grease that never quite washes all the way off. When he comes home he scrubs his hands, but often he doesn’t get all the way up his arms. He comes home and wants a beer and to spend time with his kids. Should I give him shit for not looking perfect and grooming himself up as soon as he walks in the door?
      What the fuck is this, the 1950s? I have to look beautiful and primped, but he can look like he’s rolled in an oil slick, right?

    • Guest

      May 27, 2014 at 3:24 pm

      Agree with you completely!

      My hobby is dirty – horseback riding. No point primping my hair – it’s going under a helmet. Or makeup, it’s going to get sweated off. I come home sweaty, dirty and exhausted. Sometimes I smell bad. There’s dirt under my fingernails, on my face, straw in my hair sometimes.

      I get dressed up/made up for special occasions, but it’s hard to find time to get to the barn and spending time on hair, makeup, etc. would make it harder. Guess I am just “lucky” to have landed a man that likes me despite my dirty hobbies and lack of regular primping. Because we all know all men want in a relationship is pretty, made up and subservient, right?!?!? ::eye roll:::

    • Valerie

      May 27, 2014 at 3:28 pm

      I never said anything about subservience. Just that being dolled up makes me feel good about myself. My husband would laugh very hard if anyone ever suggested I am subservient. I just like looking good. 🙂

    • Guest

      May 27, 2014 at 3:37 pm

      Honestly, YOU may not identify it as subservience but that’s how it reads from here. You’ve inherently set out that women need to maintain externalized standards of beauty to upkeep a husband’s sexual attraction with the clear implication that the health of the marriage will decline otherwise. Whether you choose to define it as such or not, that reads as subservient to me. Not that you choose to wear makeup or dress up every day, but that you shame others as too lazy, too frumpy etc. if they don’t and suggest – without knowing anything about their relationships – that those choices threaten a marriage.

    • Shadow

      May 27, 2014 at 10:51 pm

      Jesus Valerie didn’t say anything about ALL OF US WOMEN EVERYWHERE she said she likes to look good so leave the woman alone. YOU don’t gave to if you do t want to but if a woman feels more confident when she devotes an extra 15 minutes a day to herself then step off.

    • Valerie

      May 27, 2014 at 3:25 pm

      I did say I would be bumming if he stopped trying too. And for the record, he has never (and will never) say a word to me about it if I don’t feel like trying for whatever reason. Obviously there are days where it just isn’t possible but on the whole, for me, trying to look good makes me feel so much better about myself. Which translates to a happier life for me in general. It is not for everyone but it works for me!

    • keelhaulrose

      May 27, 2014 at 3:36 pm

      It’s not that we’re not trying. We know each other well enough to know that ‘frump’ isn’t a bad thing. The important thing to him is that I take care of his children. I could do it in sweats all day as long as it gets done. I don’t mind him coming home covered in grease or looking (and smelling) like he’s been in a sauna all day. And that translates to our trips out into public. He doesn’t get a lot of time off, the days he’s not working at his job he’s often fixing a friend or family member’s car, so I don’t care that when he has the time to sit and enjoy himself he’s wearing beat-to-hell jeans and a faded t-shirt.
      “Trying” is relative. You say your version of ‘trying’ is making yourself not frumpy for the day. My version of ‘trying’ is actually putting on jeans and a fresh t-shirt because most days I’m up at 6 to get chores done, then don’t go to sleep until midnight because I had more chores to do and I’m freaking exhausted.
      As I said, what works for you doesn’t work for everyone, and it upsets me that people seem to think “frumpy” means I’m being lazy or don’t care about my appearance. If the situation calls for me to be dressed up, I’ll be dressed up, but I don’t see the benefit of me putting on makeup so I can have my daughter smear it all over as we’re playing during her therapy or wearing nice clothes just so I get dirt all over them when I’m spending all day digging in the garden with my older daughter or just being the only adult in my backyard, pushing my daughter on the swing. And I’d rather be ‘comfortable’ out in public because it’s a lot easier for me to catch a bolting child in sneakers than it is in heels.

    • Valerie

      May 27, 2014 at 3:44 pm

      It is very relative, you are correct!! However you feel confident is what you should do. If that’s fresh jeans and a t shirt, that’s awesome! For me, it’s a blow out and make up. 🙂 Its only attractive if you’re true to yourself!

    • keelhaulrose

      May 27, 2014 at 3:50 pm

      But that’s not the tone that was struck in the article. You implied that those people who just throw on a layer of deodorant and stretchy pants aren’t feeling good about themselves, as if those of us who are ‘frumpy’ have low self-esteem. You also implied that not taking care of our appearance will effect our relationship negatively. You can’t throw out examples like that in the article, then come down in the comments and say ‘relative is okay!’

    • Rieho

      May 27, 2014 at 4:39 pm

      I agree with Valerie actually. She isn’t judging you so don’t judge her. If you choose not to take care of yourself with a beauty regime that’s fine but it doesn’t make those of us who do, less of a person

    • keelhaulrose

      May 27, 2014 at 5:02 pm

      Again, that’s not the tone struck by the article. The article strongly implies that those people who get ready by putting on “stretchy pants and a layer of deodorant” have self-esteem issues and are damaging their relationships. Its saying women who do all the other stuff they want to do should devote some of that time to improving their physical appearance. It certainly does not say “if yoga pants and a messy bun are your thing you go girl”, it says quite the opposite.
      I agree with the part of the article that says what Valarie does, because it makes her feel good and she should do that for her, but the last paragraph is judgmental.

    • Shhh

      May 28, 2014 at 9:25 am

      The article strongly implies that to YOU. Don’t go around telling people that Val thinks they are ugly and need to be subservient. You’re looking for trouble in an article about someone who likes to take time to look good (her standard of good). Jesus H Christ you took the whole thing a little too seriously.

    • keelhaulrose

      May 28, 2014 at 9:37 am

      First, I said nothing about being subservient.

      Second, how else am I supposed to take this passage other than I’m not confident and I’m damaging my relationship by “not trying”?

      “you can find time for everything else you do. Why not find time for getting ready beyond a layer of deodorant and stretchy pants? There are more benefits than just feeling good about yourself. When you take steps to maintain your appearance it will help your marriage too. It will help you to be confident, which I truly believe makes for a better sexual relationship with your partner. Let’s be real, here- if he sees you every day looking like you couldn’t care less how is that helping your relationship?”

    • Anna Cinneide

      May 28, 2014 at 8:09 am

      “It is not for everyone but it works for me!” That’s not what you say in your article. Instead, you ridicule anyone (“martyr mommy”, “public pajamas, messy bun and makeup free face”) anyone who does not have exactly the same priorities you do.

    • Natasha B

      May 27, 2014 at 3:55 pm

      My hubs also works all day in an auto shop, and I find the rough and dirty hands very fucking sexy, thank you very much. Just as he also thinks I’m very fucking sexy, even if I’ve missed a pedicure or two.

    • keelhaulrose

      May 27, 2014 at 4:00 pm

      Oh, those hands… I have more than one outfit with greasy handprints in incriminating places because we got frisky in the garage because of those hands.
      The shop he works at has a laundry service for the uniforms, but he occasionally brings them home so he can work at a sister shop or because he’s doing major work on a car at home. Those days… game on.

    • Natasha B

      May 27, 2014 at 4:06 pm

      Guuuuuurl. Yes.
      He’s got a few spare sets at home too, and the garage door locks 😉

    • keelhaulrose

      May 27, 2014 at 4:10 pm

      I found him a spare set while shopping the other day, and it’s going to be his Father’s Day gift so he doesn’t have to drag a set home every time he has car work to do here.
      Of course, it’s going to be a gift to me as well.
      Some people like the backseat, but up against the grill is so much better.

    • Natasha B

      May 27, 2014 at 4:14 pm

      *fist bump*
      So much yes. And bet he’s not going to turn you down just because you’re not wearing mascara.

    • keelhaulrose

      May 27, 2014 at 4:18 pm

      Even better- he’s not a big fan of makeup. He says he can taste it when I wear it. Not complaining there, I hate wearing the stuff, I always feel like it doesn’t match and I look funny.
      I think mechanics and men with ‘dirty’ jobs seem more comfortable with their women not being overly made-up.

    • Natasha B

      May 27, 2014 at 4:25 pm

      See, I’m on the fence with that one, I think it can swing either way. Some of his friends SOs

    • keelhaulrose

      May 27, 2014 at 4:33 pm

      When we went out to a bar with his shop buddies one of the techs was saying he didn’t like it when his girlfriend got too ‘done up’ because he felt like he shouldn’t make her dirty or that he looked crappy by comparison. The other mechanics seemed to agree. They said ‘a little’ was nice, but that they didn’t like too much, or expensive clothes, or lots of jewelry.
      This is probably still a ‘to each his own’ situation.

    • Natasha B

      May 27, 2014 at 4:38 pm

      I think the issue is, if you’re doing it for the sole purpose of making someone else happy. If you’re doing it for YOU, great. Just to please someone else? Nope.

    • Candy

      May 27, 2014 at 4:48 pm

      Yes! Mine’s a mechanic too and it’s droolworthy. A little roughed up with oil on his hands is way better than cologne and a suit. I’m also the woman who rarely wears makeup and pretty much always has calluses and a bit of the garden stuck on me. Somehow, I don’t think my sex life suffers because I prefer to wear his shirts and my ripped jeans

    • Lorraine

      May 27, 2014 at 4:53 pm

      I love the smell of my sweaty husband. I think it is a pheromone thing.

  3. keelhaulrose

    May 27, 2014 at 3:16 pm

    Are you serious?
    You don’t know me, or most (if any) of the other mothers here. How the hell do you presume to know what we do and do not have time for?
    How do you know we have time for everything else we do, and that we’re not in the weeds with a laundry pile that is more than a days work?
    How do you know that we weren’t up all night with a sick kid, and decided that we’d much rather sleep that extra half hour because it brings our total sleep amount up to an hour and a half?
    Perhaps I’m going home after drop-off and plan to work in the garden, which is sweaty, dirty work, but, oh, wait, I need to stop and get some stuff for dinner from the store.
    I, personally, have to do pretty much all my daily work either before my husband leaves for work, or after the kids go to bed because my younger daughter (who, as many readers here know) is autistic, and I simply cannot trust her to play in the yard by herself, or be out of my sight for more than a minute or two. From 8 in the morning until 8 at night I’m on kid duty, and I’d rather get that bit of cleaning done in the morning than take the time to primp myself.
    If it works for you, congratulations. But don’t assume because it works for you it works for us all.

    • Valerie

      May 27, 2014 at 3:34 pm

      For the record, my laundry pile is high enough that my son can climb it and call it his “mountain”. 🙂

    • keelhaulrose

      May 27, 2014 at 3:39 pm

      The point is you prioritize getting yourself ready in the morning over tackling the ‘mountain’ a little earlier, which might get it done faster. I’ve got seven people living in our home, five adults and two kids. I have to throw laundry in first thing in the morning or I’m going to wind up in a laundromat at some point to catch up. That’s my priority.

    • Kendra

      May 27, 2014 at 3:41 pm

      I, too, prioritize laundry. Or basically any other task. Appearance is essentially the last of my priorities, unless we’re going someplace special. Personally, I like it that way because since I don’t dress up regularly, whenever we have someplace special to be, I feel stunningly beautiful.

    • keelhaulrose

      May 27, 2014 at 3:45 pm

      Many mornings I’ve got a therapist coming over at 8:30 in the morning. I don’t want mounds of laundry sitting there, or the breakfast mess, I don’t want them to step on the part of the carpet our elderly dog has taken as her pee pad, so I have to clean that. I’ve got to get both kids fed and presentable, I have to clean floors because my brother, despite being in his twenties, cannot seem to understand my simple instructions of “take off your damn shoes” and I don’t have time to hound him into cleaning it, so I do it myself. If I took the time to primp myself I’d have to let something go, and I just don’t feel comfortable letting our therapists come in to a real mess.

    • Guest

      May 28, 2014 at 9:19 am

      But perhaps she doesn’t give a shit about laundry or getting it done earlier? That is the beauty of life.. Everyone can have priorities that suit their needs. I don’t think Valerie was saying people should stop doing chores and start primping but I saw it more as a reply to those moms who feel inclined to tell soon to be moms that being a mom requires you to look like hell.

    • Bethany Ramos

      May 27, 2014 at 3:46 pm

      I think it’s totally fair that you discuss effort put in by both you and your husband.

    • Shadow

      May 27, 2014 at 10:44 pm

      Yaaaaay! Again.

  4. Bethany Ramos

    May 27, 2014 at 3:20 pm

    I love your honesty, Valerie!! This post really is refreshing. I think you are onto something when you say that taking care of yourself also supports a healthy self-image. I really like wearing yoga pants every day, but I also feel great when I get dressed up to go out with my husband and/or family once a week or so. 😉

    • Valerie

      May 27, 2014 at 3:33 pm

      <3

    • guest

      May 27, 2014 at 3:42 pm

      If she’d said that giving to yourself and putting respect for yourself at the forefront support healthy self-image, I’d agree with you. But no, she said makeup and nice dressing does. Those things alone.

      For me, “trying” and taking care of myself and getting to a healthy self-image every day means breeches and riding boots and my hair stuffed into a hairnet under a helmet. Putting on heels would take me farther away from that goal, and therefore farther away from my personal healthy self-image.

      It’s okay if HER healthy self-image is makeup and heels, etc. That’s perfectly fine. But where she went off the rails into an offensive, shaming, obnoxious place is that she tells everyone else they need to do it too, and assumes they only don’t because lazy:

      “…you can find time for everything else you do. Why not find time for getting ready beyond a layer of deodorant and stretchy pants?”

    • Stfu

      May 28, 2014 at 9:31 am

      Stfu

    • Kendra

      May 28, 2014 at 9:32 am

      Your whole thing of running around and being rude to everyone who didn’t read Valerie’s article the same as you is getting REAL old.

  5. Kendra

    May 27, 2014 at 3:29 pm

    I like to be “frumpy”, in today’s definition that is. I don’t wear much makeup, if any, and I’m actually pretty proud of that. I like messy buns and quick hairdos and ADORE not washing my hair every day. I’m not stylish and clothes aren’t my thing, so comfortable is what I aim for. I don’t think I’d be any more respected if I “dressed up” than I am now. I’m cool with looking however you want as long as you don’t smell bad! And that includes excessive perfume!

    • Kendra

      May 27, 2014 at 3:30 pm

      Also, just a side-note that I should’ve included in my post. Looks aren’t everything to me, and they never have been. I value my other characteristics far more, and I want others to value me for those as well.

    • Valerie

      May 27, 2014 at 3:37 pm

      Of course!! It’s definitely not the only thing- just a part of the whole package. I feel better when I look good but I also feel better when I am a great friend, daughter, sister, mom, wife, etc. It’s only part of it but to me, it is an important part!

    • Valerie

      May 27, 2014 at 3:32 pm

      Smelling bad is the worst!!
      And my perfume is a single spritz that I walk through without my clothes on. 🙂
      I really think my point has been lost- if it was something you cared about before you had kids (your appearance, that is) I think its sad to let it all slide only because you had kids. It makes me sad to think of women thinking they aren’t worth the extra time. If you don’t WANT to do it, that is an entirely different story- you do what you like. But if you want to and don’t in the name of getting an extra load of laundry done? I think that’s a bummer. I mean, my husband would never skip shaving if he needed to in order to clean the bathroom. I don’t think it should be any different for a mom!

    • guest

      May 27, 2014 at 3:45 pm

      A better story would have been about how to make time to do the things that are important to you, to respect yourself by giving that to yourself, no matter what it is, after kids. Perfectly okay that YOUR thing is make up, dressing up, etc. Perfectly okay that others choose to be “frumpy” because they make other choices with their time – like mine to ride. Not putting on makeup is not a sign a woman has given up on herself, just maybe that her priorities are different. You definitely could have written a better story and not had your point missed if you had emphasized that.

    • Stfu

      May 28, 2014 at 9:28 am

      Gawd you are a dick. How about you go write that story?

    • Natasha B

      May 27, 2014 at 3:57 pm

      Washing your hair every day is not good for it anyways! Like seriously, my hair rocks that second/third day look.

    • allisonjayne

      May 27, 2014 at 4:06 pm

      I have crazythick hair, I wash it like once a week. It feels so much better that way for me.

    • Natasha B

      May 27, 2014 at 4:08 pm

      Same here. Thick with some wave, and if I washed it every day it would be a ridiculous frizzy mess.

    • Kendra

      May 27, 2014 at 4:11 pm

      My hair is very thin and very fine, but THANK GOODNESS for maternity leave and “frumpy mom syndrome”. Because I didn’t shower every day on maternity leave, my hair just adapted, and I can get away with about 3-4 days in between washes now. It’s amazing.

    • Natasha B

      May 27, 2014 at 4:16 pm

      Also, dry shampoo! Stuff is a miracle.

    • Valerie

      May 27, 2014 at 4:26 pm

      I tried that once and it made me look like I had gray hair. It would not blend in for anything.

    • Airbones

      May 27, 2014 at 5:44 pm

      Bumble and Bumble Pret-a-Powder. It’s incredible.

    • Natasha B

      May 27, 2014 at 10:31 pm

      Try it again! I use Serge Normant (after getting a sample in my Birchbox) first time was baaaad….hopped in the shower
      Second time-make sure you hold it far away from your roots, use less than you think you need, let it sit for at least ten minutes before trying to blend it in. Don’t brush-use your fingers.
      I do it at night before I sock bun my hair, helps hold the curl and add volume.

    • Valerie

      May 27, 2014 at 11:33 pm

      Good advice! My hair is on the dry side but I exercise a lot and I don’t feel I can go without washing my hair most days. I need an alternative!

    • Natasha B

      May 27, 2014 at 11:46 pm

      I don’t like my hair to feel/smell dirty, but I’ve found the dry shampoo/sock bun to sleep/work out really helps. My hair is dry also, and this harsh winter/preggo hormones did it no favors.
      Also, sock buns are still super cute/trendy 😉

    • Frances "Librle" Locke

      May 27, 2014 at 6:40 pm

      My favorite is the Dove brand. For some reason it works perfectly with my hair. All the other brands I’ve tried don’t seem to get the oil out, and leave my hair feeling dank.

    • Natasha B

      May 27, 2014 at 11:30 pm

      I’ll have to check it out, I’ve heard good things 🙂

    • Han

      May 27, 2014 at 4:21 pm

      That is very cool. I tried to make my hair adapt but it just wouldn’t learn.

    • Frances "Librle" Locke

      May 27, 2014 at 6:07 pm

      I think if I washed my hair every day it would fall out. Isn’t that a big no-no nowadays anyway?

    • Candy

      May 27, 2014 at 6:36 pm

      Straight shampoo every day isn’t advised anymore, but in a warmer climate, a cool rinse goes along way to keep you comfortable. Ihave a ton of kinky hair, so summers in Texas for me require daily cold rinses just so I don’t pass out, lol.He likes the full, free fro, but it only happens on special occasions,like makeup. I don’t have time for all of that

    • Frances "Librle" Locke

      May 27, 2014 at 6:39 pm

      That’s what I figured. I know if I wash my hair (with shampoo) more than three times a week, it gets crazy dry. I do wet it in the shower pretty much every day (maybe every other in the winter when I’m in lazy, stay in the house mode), but shampooing it everyday is definitely out for me.

  6. Eve Vawter

    May 27, 2014 at 3:42 pm

    You don’t HAVE to be a frumpy mom – but if you wanna, feel free to join my frumpy mom revolution! #frumpymoms4ever

    • Kendra

      May 27, 2014 at 3:44 pm

      Please put me on the list. 😉 Are we having a meeting? Will there be food? Or cheesecake perhaps?

    • Eve Vawter

      May 27, 2014 at 3:45 pm

      Yes and kitten sweaters and tator tot casserole and BOOZE

    • Emily Wight

      May 27, 2014 at 3:51 pm

      Holy shit this is everything I ever wanted. I want to come too.

    • CMJ

      May 27, 2014 at 3:53 pm

      PS – I bought this for my husband. KITTENS ALL AROUND

    • Blahblah

      May 27, 2014 at 8:00 pm

      Where did you get that??? My life is not complete until I’m wearing that over a pair of ill fitting yoga pants with my hair up in a messy pony tail, with smudged glasses and some Bobs with no socks.

    • CMJ

      May 27, 2014 at 8:24 pm

    • Frances "Librle" Locke

      May 27, 2014 at 5:11 pm

      I’ll bring the tequila!

    • Blahblah

      May 27, 2014 at 3:48 pm

      Right here with you! KITTEN SWEATERS FOREVER

    • Frances "Librle" Locke

      May 27, 2014 at 5:10 pm

      Can we put that on a t-shirt? Perhaps a baggy t-shirt that I can wear with my yoga pants?

    • Spiderpigmom

      May 28, 2014 at 1:39 pm

      Member of the club here. I mean, I was frumpy (and thoroughly enjoying it) before starting having kids; why on earth would I want to quit being frumpy now that I’m a mother?

  7. hutch

    May 27, 2014 at 3:47 pm

    stretchy pants do make me feel beautiful

  8. Blahblah

    May 27, 2014 at 3:50 pm

    Mr. Blah doesn’t go to the gym. And I’m fine with that. It wouldn’t disappoint me if he started and stopped. His body, his choice. I leave the house in yoga pants and baggy shirts. I was unaware that was the sign of a woman given up. To me, it meant that was what the hell I decided to put on that morning, because it was clean and fit. I didn’t think it was a cry for help, nor did I think it was me waving the white flag.

    If my baby decides to take a nap outside of my arms, my ass is taking a nap too. I get up at four in the morning to go to work, come home after my shift, and take care of her all afternoon and evening. If I don’t nap, it’s time for laundry, dishes, sweeping the floor, or letting my cats know that I still love them.

  9. Emily Wight

    May 27, 2014 at 3:55 pm

    This part: “you can find time for everything else you do.” Yes. Because I like doing those things. I don’t give any fucks about doing all the things while wearing yoga pants and a messy bun. To each her own, but maybe what I am doing is super awesome and to take time away from it for straightening my hair would bum me out. (It would. Also I don’t know how to straighten my hair.)

    • Natasha B

      May 27, 2014 at 4:13 pm

      Yes, exactly! When the 2yo is napping and the 4yo is busy playing Legos, sure I could go curl my hair. Or I could leave it in a ponytail and go into my sewing room and create something, and that makes ME HAPPY. and if I’m happy, I’m a better mother and partner.

    • keelhaulrose

      May 27, 2014 at 4:14 pm

      My two year old naps about an hour or so a day, just at the same time my six year old is at kindergarten. That’s the time I get to catch up on my shows or read or do something for myself (though I’m not going to lie, often when I’m watching my shows I’m folding laundry).
      Kindergarten is over next week. I’m screwed for the summer.

    • Emily Wight

      May 27, 2014 at 4:16 pm

      I feel you – I do *everything* while folding laundry. I don’t know how, for a family of three, we have so much laundry that it literally never ends.

    • keelhaulrose

      May 27, 2014 at 4:20 pm

      As I said before, we’ve got seven people living in our house, so everyone has their laundry ‘day’ and if they miss bringing their stuff to the laundry room they have to find time to do it on their own time.
      Still, I frequently look at my six year old and ask how she manages to have fifteen dirty shirts/pants/whatever in one freaking week. She has more dirty laundry (proportionally) than any two of the rest of us.

    • Emily Wight

      May 27, 2014 at 4:25 pm

      That’s brilliant, and I may implement it, effective immediately, for everyone including the toddler.

    • keelhaulrose

      May 27, 2014 at 4:39 pm

      I don’t lose my cool often, but the laundry thing drove me there once. It drove me insane that I wouldn’t get laundry for three days and then suddenly I had four baskets in front of me. That’s why I implemented the system.
      Unfortunately it often means I get two weeks worth of shit in one basket because people would rather wear the same jeans four days than do it themselves.

    • Emily Wight

      May 27, 2014 at 4:15 pm

      Also here’s me in yoga pants and a messy bun, just this weekend. No time for grooming, there are puddles outside.

    • Frances "Librle" Locke

      May 27, 2014 at 5:46 pm

      I actually think you look really chic here. I LOVE the leopard print wellies!

    • Valerie

      May 27, 2014 at 5:59 pm

      Agreed!

    • Emily Wight

      May 27, 2014 at 6:24 pm

      You’re very kind 🙂 Costco, $10!

    • Spongeworthy

      May 27, 2014 at 5:39 pm

      Exactly. I went back to exercising as soon as I could after my c-section, but not so my husband would want to bang me again. I did it because I like exercising. I don’t like putting on makeup and real pants when running to Target, so I don’t.

  10. Natasha B

    May 27, 2014 at 4:01 pm

    I kinda started out liking this piece, and then it went downhill. Yes, taking care of yourself is important. The tone is a little judgy and 1950s for me though. The hubs still wants to bang me on a daily basis, messy bun and and no makeup, or blow out and full face, so I think I’m cool. Thanks. Maybe those moms you’re judging for not doing their hair/makeup to run to Target are pretty comfortable and confident in themselves, and in their relationships…..to not worry about their SO leaving them if they don’t wear mascara everyday.

    • Lorraine

      May 27, 2014 at 4:39 pm

      I have heard from more than one man over the years that they get turned on by a messy bedhead look. Not all women are the same and not all men are the same. Not everyone needs to put on a pancake face to feel secure and many men don’t like the pancake face secretary look.

    • Natasha B

      May 27, 2014 at 10:21 pm

      Pancake face secretary look is what I have spent my whole life trying to avoid. The big reason? Makes my face itchy, and I don’t like it. Me. Not some guy.

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      May 27, 2014 at 4:46 pm

      Yeah, my bf prefers it when I don’t look really made-up. I honestly can’t imagine what I would have to do to make him stop trying to have sex with me every day…lose my vagina somehow? But then there is still my ass, so nvm.

    • Frances "Librle" Locke

      May 27, 2014 at 6:06 pm

      Hell, even if I was somehow sawed in half, there’s always the mouth…or ears…armpit. Like my husband says, “any hole is a goal,” and really any hole-like thing. He’s a perv is what I’m saying.

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      May 27, 2014 at 7:27 pm

      I’m pretty sure deodorant counts as lube

    • Natasha B

      May 27, 2014 at 10:17 pm

      Cilantro all the way heyyyyyyyyy

  11. SA

    May 27, 2014 at 4:04 pm

    I think the point is that you DO feel better when you try a little bit. And there is time to take showers and fix yourself up to your desired level, you just have to make it.

    I remember the promise on my maternity leave was that I would NEVER go more than one day without a shower. I held to that promise. It wasn’t really difficult to do and it made me feel so much better! I don’t think that you have to go all out in full-makeup and heels everyday, but it does help to make an effort, both internally and in your relationships with people.

    • Kendra

      May 27, 2014 at 4:08 pm

      I think that personal preference has to come into play somewhere, though, and while Valerie has kind of revised her opinion here in the comments…the article was lacking that part. Everyone’s “try a little bit” is different. If I’m out of bed and have on actual pants, then I tried a little bit. That doesn’t mean I don’t look “frumpy” to other people. That doesn’t mean I don’t “feel good” in my own skin either. I don’t shower every day, and often I feel better when I don’t.

    • keelhaulrose

      May 27, 2014 at 4:08 pm

      But… some of us don’t feel better ‘trying’ to the point of the article. We feel better wearing our comfortable stretchy pants and oversized t-shirts. Lots of women feel uncomfortable dressing up. I personally feel more self-conscious when I’m dressed up with full makeup because I don’t like my legs, but my ‘nice’ dresses all show legs, and I never feel like I’ve applied my makeup just right, and tights make me chafe…. you get the idea. I do it when the occasion calls for it, and my husband doesn’t seem to mind (though he hates too much makeup), but he says he finds me sexier when I’m happy and comfortable.

    • Natasha B

      May 27, 2014 at 4:10 pm

      They will peel my yoga pants from my cold dead hands.

  12. aCongaLine

    May 27, 2014 at 4:05 pm

    I’m the frumpy mom with the toddler and the baby, wearing only yoga pants and baggy tee shirts.. I’m okay with it. I never wore make up before I had kids, and I’m not going to start now. we all do what works for us. and its all different. are the moms with make up on who are lucky enough to fit into cute outfits judging me and my frumpiness? probably. I dont give any fucks. the yoga pants and baggy shirts get covered in kid debris throughout the day, and it’s okay. I dont mind being the frumpy mom- its reminiscent of the frumpy single woman I used to be before kids.

    • noelle 02

      May 27, 2014 at 7:48 pm

      Amen and amen! I dress the same as I did pretty kids and my no make up look works for me. I don’t care what anyone thinks.

    • noelle 02

      May 27, 2014 at 7:49 pm

      Or pre-kids. My kids are pretty….

    • aCongaLine

      May 27, 2014 at 7:50 pm

      That part of my identity, at least, is intact from my former years 🙂 Agree.

    • aCongaLine

      May 27, 2014 at 7:49 pm

      Of course, though, reading through these comments, I’ve realized that one person’s make up and cute clothes are another person’s yoga pants… it really is whatever works.

  13. allisonjayne

    May 27, 2014 at 4:11 pm

    I was with you for a while there – I am anti-yoga pants for anything but yoga (for myself – not judging others), and I really like having fun with my appearance, wearing fun clothes, I dye my hair, I get tattoos….so I am totally with you. I enjoy these things, so I make time (and money) for them.

    But it does read a bit like shaming others who aren’t into it. To each their own, we all have different priorities.

    But if I read what you wrote again as more of a “ignore the haters, it is totally OK to want to shower every day and look nice and it doesn’t make you a bad mom” then I can get where you’re coming from. Some folks seem to think that spending any time on yourself means you’re a bad parent, which is obviously BULLSHIT to the nth degree.

    • Valerie

      May 27, 2014 at 4:24 pm

      Ignore the haters for sure and also, to see yourself as worth the time it takes to doll up a little- if you want to do it, that is. I cannot tell you how many moms I know in real life that just shake their heads and resign themselves to being the last priority on their to-do list. I don’t think that’s right. Again, would men do that? Would a dad skip a fun golf outing for his friends because household chores and kiddie stuff called? I highly doubt it. I feel like only women are asked to make personal sacrifices for their household and I think that sucks.

    • Kendra

      May 27, 2014 at 4:27 pm

      See, and I have to say that I find that to be an unfair generalization. I know a lot of dads who have sacrificed their own wants and needs for something family related.

    • Valerie

      May 27, 2014 at 4:30 pm

      I suppose it is but in popular culture how often do you hear accounts of dads bemoaning what once was because everything is different now that they have a family? Conversely, how often do we hear about moms making extreme lifestyle changes and giving things up for the good of their families? Often. Very often.

    • Kendra

      May 27, 2014 at 4:32 pm

      Yes, moms do complain more about their lifestyle changes, but I will say that I have personally seen this more from mothers who feel that they HAVE to complain to justify things. From my FB friends, it is only SAHMs that complain about how much they give up and how much work they do. I think it’s because SAHMs are often given crap for being “lazy” or “freeloading”, so they feel the need to try to show off every aspect of why their lives are difficult and why they aren’t lazy. The whole “I don’t even get a shower anymore!” is just a way to emphasize how busy their lives are from start to finish, and this is because they are doing full time baby care, where SAHDs are not as popular, nor do they seem to get as much crap.

    • Kendra

      May 27, 2014 at 4:38 pm

      Also because women are the only ones who seem to be in the “mommy wars”, so we end up judging others and justifying our own choices non stop. Dads don’t seem to have this problem.

    • Lorraine

      May 27, 2014 at 4:45 pm

      Sometimes extreme lifestyle changes happen by choice. We may choose to reprioritize our lives.

    • Melissa

      May 27, 2014 at 9:53 pm

      I, for one, have never heard a new dad complain he didn’t have time for a shower every day, but that’s kind of the stereotypical expectation for new moms, right? So I agree with your observation about the double standard on lifestyle changes. That said, I had no problem finding time to shower and spruce myself up a bit every day after having my first, but I also get that’s not every mom’s ideal of how they want to spend their precious free time during naps…just like how we all pretty much hate the BS “sleep while the baby sleeps” advice.

    • Guest

      May 27, 2014 at 4:37 pm

      Yes, men would do that. Yes, many do. Many men and women also sacrifice by keeping “boring” but bill-paying careers instead of riskier or more fulfilling work, to support their families. Only women are asked to make personal sacrifices for their household??!?! What?

      You are really sexist with bad gender-based misbeliefs about both men and women and I think THAT sucks.

    • Bethany Ramos

      May 27, 2014 at 5:10 pm

      Valerie definitely is not sexist. I just read this piece as cheering on what works for her and makes her feel good.

    • Julia Sonenshein

      May 27, 2014 at 6:29 pm

      x10

    • Valerie

      May 27, 2014 at 6:36 pm

      Thank you both. <3

    • Shadow

      May 27, 2014 at 10:35 pm

      Yaaaaaay so did I! Dammit if my eyeliner is taken away! 😉

    • Kelly

      May 27, 2014 at 5:20 pm

      It sounds like you only know shitty men. That’s sad.

    • Alicia Kiner

      May 27, 2014 at 6:05 pm

      My hubby is currently out for “guys night” when we have about half a house to unpack and entire room to prime and paint. Meanwhile, I get to do laundry, make dinner, unpack the kids’ toys, etc. He doesn’t know it yet, but he’s springing for a spa pedicure next week. 😉

    • Lorriane

      May 27, 2014 at 4:30 pm

      I was never into spending my money on expensive haircuts and Sephora because I’d rather go snowboarding or hike a mountain and have the money to do it. It’s not like I don’t shower I just never gave a shit about being a girly girl other than a cute but not elegant dress and some basic but not overdone makeup. But here we go again, we are all supposed to be clones of each other or we are not woman enough or mommy enough. Talk about a sanctimommy.

    • Lorrraine

      May 27, 2014 at 4:41 pm

      I do tame my mane with a blow dryer most days but certainly not all.

    • Shadow

      May 27, 2014 at 10:39 pm

      But I’d rather spend money on my hair and self because I’m what you’d call “indoorsy”. This has nothing to do with being a clone. Let the woman enjoy her makeup if it makes her happy.

    • Julia Sonenshein

      May 27, 2014 at 6:29 pm

      That’s how I read it–like “fuck the mommy guilters who would say that taking a little bit of me time is selfish,” not as a “you must do it this way.” And I’m certainly on board with that!

    • koolchicken

      May 27, 2014 at 7:56 pm

      That’s what I got from it too. Sorry, but I deserve time for myself too. I had a kid, not became a personal slave. And my husband has fully functioning limbs and is smart. I’m confident he can keep a toddler entertained for an hour while I take a bubble bath.

    • Guest

      May 28, 2014 at 9:09 am

      this exactly. And as much as I love yoga pants I’m a little sad with how many asses and underpants I have to see of girls age 10-50 who still believe leggings are pants.

  14. val97

    May 27, 2014 at 4:16 pm

    Yeah… I do my best for the office and date nights, but I happily spend entire weekends in my yoga pants. Frumpy rules.

  15. Upsilon

    May 27, 2014 at 4:24 pm

    I’m with you up until the doing it for your husband part. If you like makeup/dressing up a bit more, then go for it, but doing it for someone else is kind of sad.

    • Natasha B

      May 27, 2014 at 4:34 pm

      THAT is what got me. I like getting all done up, but I do it for me-not to make my SO happy.

    • Ursi

      May 28, 2014 at 7:53 am

      i solved this problem by marrying a fellow frump. We’re a sweatpants and holey-tee-shirt match made in heaven. Our families rib us a bit but we’re capable of cleaning up when the occasion calls for it. We do own perhaps 3 pairs of nice slacks between us.

      Why would you marry someone who you didn’t feel comfortable out of makeup around?

    • Guest

      May 28, 2014 at 9:15 am

      I actually took that part to be sweet. She isn’t saying she HAS to look amaze balls for him but that she WANTS to. Some husbands don’t care (or say they don’t care) but I know personally my husband would appreciate me trying to look nice for him since he does me the same courtesy.

    • Upsilon

      May 29, 2014 at 11:20 am

      I always dress for the occasion. No way in hell am I wearing yoga pants to a formal wedding or restaurant. And I like it when my husband says I look nice, but that’s not why I do it. I stand by my comment that it’s sad to want to look nice for other people rather than for yourself. It sounds like a child being forced to wear a Sunday dress

  16. Kelly

    May 27, 2014 at 4:32 pm

    I genuinely feel sorry for women who can’t go outside without a full face of makeup on.

    There’s nothing wrong with dolling yourself up every day if you want to do it but feeling like you have to do it is sad. Telling other women that they need to do it reeks of insecurity.

  17. Jessifer

    May 27, 2014 at 4:32 pm

    Meh. I was frumpy before I even had kids. The only difference now is that I actually have an excuse!

  18. Williwaw

    May 27, 2014 at 4:34 pm

    If your definition of frumpy is going beyond “a layer of deodorant and stretchy pants”, then I was frumpy before I had kids, frumpy during pregnancy, and am still frumpy. I haven’t worn makeup regularly since I was a teen. Guess what? I have not “sacrificed my self-esteem and happiness, I do not feel “sloppy and unattractive”, and I have not “thrown in the towel”. What is this, 1950? If I have free time, I would rather spend it running 10 km or reading a good book or pulling weeds or almost anything rather than putting on eyeliner. That’s great if you like to put on makeup in your free time, but my yardstick of womanhood does not require eyeliner. This whole post implies that the most important thing for maintaining a woman’s self-esteem is looking pretty for her husband. That is so incredibly demeaning.

    • Jessifer

      May 27, 2014 at 4:51 pm

      I have not worn makeup since 2006… and that was at my wedding!

    • Frances "Librle" Locke

      May 27, 2014 at 6:04 pm

      I don’t get this idea that women have to wear makeup to look and feel good about themselves. I actually love playing with makeup, but I rarely do a whole face-full and I find that sticking with eye shadow/mascara and maybe a little lip gloss actually makes my skin look healthier than doing the whole shebang every day. I look damn good without makeup, dammit. And though I rarely wear yoga pants outside of the house, I look damn good in those, too. I think people can be simplistic with their daily routines and still look and feel good. And more importantly, I don’t think looking good (especially measuring up to other people’s standards) is all that important.

    • Tinyfaeri

      May 28, 2014 at 11:57 am

      I concur. I’ve always occasionally played with makeup, but I haven’t ever worn it on a daily basis. My husband’s known me since I was 19, so he’s seen a LOT of no-makeup days mixed in with the occasional blue/black/red lipstick days. We’re about to have our 10 year wedding anniversary, and so far he has no complaints. It’s all about what works for each woman and her life.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 27, 2014 at 6:04 pm

      Yes, this. If the point of the post was “don’t always put yourself last on your list of priorities after you have a baby”, that’s something I can get behind. But it kind of came off like there is only one way for a woman to present herself and feel good about herself, and that’s with full makeup and perfect hair. If that’s what you like, more power to you. But that’s not the only way to do it.

    • koolchicken

      May 27, 2014 at 7:53 pm

      I don’t think a person needs an inch of makeup to be considered “put together”. I think simply taking care of yourself is the most important thing and what the author is advocating. If you wear your hair in a pony tail fine, but why not try a bun or braid? Add in a funky hair clip or headband? If you don’t normally wear makeup fine, but take care of your skin. Go for a facial or a massage, or maybe do some of those spa things at home.

      Looking good is not about 50’s style “must” look a certain way to leave the house. It’s about looking like the best version of yourself, even if you don’t wear cosmetics. Take pride in your appearance, and remember you’re worth a nice running or gardening outfit. You deserve a turn being first too.

    • Williwaw

      May 27, 2014 at 8:28 pm

      I agree with the idea that mothers should feel they deserve a turn being first (whatever that means to each person), but this article is not about the importance of taking special time for your own needs and desires, whether they be primping, exercising, doing hobbies, watching tv, or whatever. This article is about making sure you conform to a vague societal standard of “looking good”, and it makes statements that imply not wearing eyeliner and perfume is sacrificing your self-esteem, that yoga pants and baggy t-shirts are inappropriate attire, and that if you don’t “maintain” your appearance you may harm your marriage. The author asks: “Why not find time for getting ready beyond a layer of deodorant and stretchy pants?”, which clearly implies there is something wrong with wearing stretchy pants and merely being clean (but not made-up). The author specifically says that many women throw in the towel after they have kids, and given the preceding paragraphs about perfume, eyeliner, and cute outfits, it is clear that she is talking about appearance. She specifically says that she thinks it is important to keep up with your looks after you have kids. Does this mean she thinks her husband would be justified in no longer loving her if she became disfigured in an accident? What about the inevitable age-related changes in appearance? What if she has to take medication that makes her gain weight? And how will this attitude affect her children, especially any daughters, who might feel they would rather spend their free time reading or doing carpentry or doing whatever (as opposed to preening)?

      This article is totally offensive to anyone who doesn’t share the author’s shallow worldview about what makes a woman desirable and of value. I chose a career in sciences specifically so that I could have a job where I almost always was able to dress casually, not wear makeup, and do not have to deal with a lot of women who think those things had anything to do with a woman’s worth as a human being.

    • koolchicken

      May 27, 2014 at 8:48 pm

      Well lets think about something. Do you really think yoga pants and a baggy t shirt are really appropriate for anything other than say, yoga? Cause they’re not. Exercise clothing is for exercise, work clothes are for work, I don’t wear my ballet leotard to Target no mater how comfortable it is, because there’s a time and a place for things.

      As for the author talking about make up and clothes, well she’s talking about it because she was told she’d have to give it up. If she was told she’d have to give up rock climbing I bet we’d be hearing about that. But you can’t deny that women are routinely told “Once you have kids you’ll never get to do XYZ again”. That’s crap so far as I’m concerned. And I do think some women use being a mother to get away with looking like a slob. They wear those yoga pants like a badge of honor, they say “I sacrifice more than you so I’m a better mother”. Ummm, no.

      I would like to think that if she were in an accident, or got sick her husband would still lover her (and she would still lover her husband if the situation were reversed). But try to remember, that’s something different. If she badly burned didn’t have skin to put makeup on you can’t blame her there. I think she’s talking about the effort, and that this is just one of the things she does for her husbands benefit. I know my husband loves me more than anything, and what I look like is low on his list of priorities. But if it makes me happy to look a certain way, he’s happy to see a smile on my face.

    • Momma425

      May 27, 2014 at 9:46 pm

      Wow, it must be really nice to have the time to go home and change into jeans before going to the grocery store.
      Personally, I would rather pick up groceries on my lunch break (wearing, gasp, my scrubs!) or on the way home from the gym (wearing, omg! yoga pants). I would rather spend that time with my family, than waste it getting dolled up to spend time with the cashier at the store, or the guy working at the post office. I’m not making a martyr of myself- nor do I go to the store looking sloppy just because I’m in yoga pants. My clothes aren’t way oversized or dirty, and my hair is brushed.
      I still dress nicely and will put on some make-up when I go out to dinner with my husband, or go to a family function, or when we are on vacation.
      I guess to me, dressing nice and making an effort “for my husband” is one thing. But leaving the house all make-up and fancy to go to the store (where my husband does not go normally) is something else entirely. My husband could care less about what I wear to the store, or to work, or to run errands. He isn’t there. How is that for his benefit at all?

    • koolchicken

      May 28, 2014 at 12:49 am

      You know I used to go to the gym all the time. And when I was done I would hop in the shower and put on my regular clothes. I wouldn’t bother with my hair (beyond combing it, I had a bob) and I would skip the makeup cause I don’t think it’s a requirement- ever. It just wasn’t this hard to do. Afterwards I’d go to the supermarket, work, or wherever I needed to go and I looked fine.

      Now obviously going somewhere just before or right after work in work clothes is acceptable. We all know that. But if you’re not coming straight from work there’s no reason to not look your best. I just had to run to the fabric store and Target with my son. It was 6:30pm and I was unlikely to see anyone. Yet I still pulled my hair up int a bun, skipped makeup, and threw on a nice outfit. White skinny jeans, a purple tank, and an oversized mint cardigan. It looked great, I felt confident, and it took me the exact same amount of time as it would have to throw on sweats. My husband left for work literally minutes before I did, so it wasn’t for his benefit it was for mine. I have the right to look as though I care about myself regardless who’s around. And I don’t need a special occasion to do it. Neither does anyone else. We’re all too busy trying to look more busy than the person next to us.

    • Kelly

      May 28, 2014 at 8:06 am

      There’s a wonderful excuse to not look your best. It’s called you don’t want to.

      I literally make my living off of my looks. I feel quite confident about the way I look. I have zero desire to be “pretty” 24/7. Absolutely zero. Maybe it’s because I have other things going for me so impressing people at Target just doesn’t even show up on my radar.

    • koolchicken

      May 28, 2014 at 9:20 pm

      To me that sounds like depression. You don’t want to look nice, really? If you really don’t want to look well put together then I wonder more about you on the inside than the outside.

    • Shelly Lloyd

      June 1, 2014 at 7:29 am

      I think there is a big difference between looking your best and running down to Target in your sweats pants with your hair pulled back in a pony tail. Believe me I have suffered with depression before, and not wanting to get dressed to the nines to run errands not a symptom of depression.

    • NYCNanny

      May 28, 2014 at 9:25 am

      By “all made up”, do you mean brushing bare minerals into your face and swiping on mascara…my entire daily beauty routine runs 8 minutes. Everyone has 8 minutes.

    • Sara

      May 28, 2014 at 9:31 am

      To me that 8 minutes is better spent sleeping. Or snarling at my alarm clock. Usually, my “beauty routine” (basic human hygiene) is fluffing my hair, deodorant, and brushing my teeth. And if I feel fancy or don’t snarl at my alarm clock, mascara and gloss.

    • Kelly

      May 28, 2014 at 9:49 am

      It’s not about the time for me. I’m not putting that stuff on my face everyday. Even mineral makeup has caused acne for me with daily wear. I’m sure not going to put on mascara every day. My lashes look a hell of a lot better when I only coat them with gunk rarely.

      If you don’t like it, you’re welcome to sit and spin. 🙂 I own my face, thankyouverymuch. I’ll do whatever I want with it.

    • Williwaw

      May 27, 2014 at 10:43 pm

      Yoga pants in my mind are pretty much interchangeable with stretchy leggings or sweat pants, and lots of women wear those to the grocery store, to walk the dog, etc. Yes, they would not be appropriate for the office or a fancy restaurant but give me a break. By the way, I wear yoga pants and a t-shirt frequently when I leave my house. So, by your standards, I am a slob. Thanks. Luckily, I have not had to have daily contact with people like you since I left high school.

    • koolchicken

      May 28, 2014 at 12:40 am

      Hey if you think that’s a good look then I can’t stop you. And I’m sorry, but I do think less of those who show up to the grocery store looking as though they’ve just rolled out of bed. And just because other people are doing things doesn’t mean we all have to follow suit. I think we’ve just become waaay too casual as a society and it’s a shame- leggings are not pants (as I frequently tell my sister).

    • Kelly

      May 28, 2014 at 8:07 am

      But why should anyone with even halfway decent self esteem care about what some random bitch at the grocery store thinks about them?

      Judge away! I don’t know you and I don’t give two shits about your opinion. 🙂

    • Erin Murphy

      May 28, 2014 at 10:21 am

      I know! I’m reading this and thinking I can’t tell you what anyone at the store is wearing. Who is paying that close of attention to me? Know what they need? A LIFE!

    • whiteroses

      May 28, 2014 at 6:18 pm

      Pretty much. I rarely, if ever, wear makeup because I am a stay at home mom 97% of the time and the person who spends the most time with me is two and therefore could care less. It freaks him out, in fact, when he sees Mommy’s eyelids a different color. In my part time job (tour guide at a living history museum) makeup is actively discouraged. I’ll wear it when I’m out with my friends sometimes, but if someone’s judging me when I’m running out to buy a gallon of milk, that’s on them.

    • Gangle

      May 28, 2014 at 8:31 am

      Well, I wear yoga pants and a sweatshirt to go do the groceries. also don’t believe I am a slob. Groceries happen on my home day, and I have other things to do other than primp and look pretty just to buy food. I have a house and garden that needs keeping that day, animals that need tending, other big projects that ‘nice’ clothes don’t mix with to finish. I am not wasting through several changes of clothes in one day just so some nosey cow with nothing better going on doesn’t judge me at the checkout. It is nice to look good when you go out for lunch or shopping or socialising. But to me groceries isn’t a social event, or relaxing. It is a chore where I am in the store for half an hour before getting home to get on with work.

    • koolchicken

      May 28, 2014 at 9:18 pm

      You know, I don’t actually leave my house looking to judge others. I don’t think anyone else does either, yet we all do it.

      I personally don’t see why a person can’t have work clothes for work, exercise clothes for exercise, and everyday clothes for their errands and such. Would you really attend a PTA meeting dressed to run a marathon? Or would you paint the house in a business suit? Probably not. So we know what social norms are yet more and more often people opt to ignore them and it scares me.

    • Gangle

      May 28, 2014 at 9:42 pm

      Nope, I don’t think I have ever judged someone based on their appearance in the grocery store. Of course there are times you ought to look more presentable. I am all for making an effort. But you know what? As someone who has always worked in retail and customer service, I would rather look at and deal with someone who is polite and considerate (not just to staff, but to other people in general) no matter how they are dressed than a superficially dressed up person who has forgotten basic social graces. Fine clothes does not a lady make.

    • koolchicken

      May 28, 2014 at 9:59 pm

      I think it’s fair to say that while it may not have happened in the grocery store, you have done it whether you realize it or not. Everyone does, it’s part of our makeup. I never set out to judge anyone, but I do wonder about those who look like they belong on the couch or in bed when I’m out and about. I see people with uncombed hair, baggy stained clothing, sweats, SLIPPERS!, and more far too often. And it doesn’t seem to matter where I am so I know it’s not just a socioeconomic thing.

      I too have worked far too many years in retail and I agree I would take a polite customer over a rude one any day. But that doesn’t change the fact that you should look presentable even if you’re just popping out for milk. I’m not saying spend an hour primping for a 5 minute trip. But throw on some well fitting pants and a cute top, or be really lazy and pull on a dress which I think always looks better and takes half the effort. Perhaps it’s just me but I’ve always felt like being polite to the cashier was so much more than simply offering a smile.When you take the time, even just a couple of minutes to change your clothes it says to the world I respect myself AND you. Show up to the store in whatever, and it says I don’t care about myself and you’re not important enough to look decent for.

    • Gangle

      May 28, 2014 at 11:14 pm

      See, I don’t see it that way. You don’t know what other people are doing that day, or how they are doing. I have a friend who suffers from a chronic autoimmune disease that she is having trouble controlling the symptoms right now. The medication she is on will greatly shorten her lifespan, and she will never be an old woman. Some days just walking to the bathroom leaves her broken and in tears from the pain. So some days this can mean that even just getting to the store for milk at all is pretty incredible. To look at her you would never know that she suffers so terribly. She just looks normal. This is a woman who DOES love to look nice and dress up. But some days that cute top and nice pants just doesn’t happen. Being clean with trackpants and a t-shirt is all she can manage.

    • koolchicken

      May 29, 2014 at 12:27 am

      Believe it or not I can relate to your friend. I know what it’s like to be in chronic pain but look okay on the outside. I’m still in a lot of pain from my c section a year and a half ago. I was sewing a new leotard yesterday and actually thinking “what’s the point, if this keeps getting worse I’m going to have to give up dance”. So I get wanting to go out in sweats. But I don’t, because sinking into a depression helps nothing. That’s not to say your friend is depressed because perhaps she physically can’t manage more than one outfit change a day. But what’s the excuse for the rest of us? Who are capable and healthy? Really there isn’t one, we’ve all just become lazy as a society. And that’s a shame.

    • Gangle

      May 29, 2014 at 2:18 am

      I don’t think you can judge someone’s laziness on dress standards at the corner shop or supermarket. People have different priorities, and sometimes dressing up just to pop out and do a few chores isn’t one of them. I really do understand where you are coming from to a point. But really, sometimes it isn’t laziness or lack of self-respect to go to the shops in less than your best. For example, last day off I was building some shelves. I needed to get some extra screws and more sand paper and some samples of paint and wood stain for another project. I also decided to make the round trip to pick up milk and bread. I wore my old working jeans and a t-shirt. My hair was in a pony and I and my clothes were clean. That was it. After all, I was going straight home to get on with my project. I wasn’t meeting up for coffee with anyone and I wasn’t going to the shopping mall to browse around at leisure. I had a mission. I don’t think I was lacking respect for myself or society because I felt that clean and tidy was enough that day. Yes, I *could* have put on nice clothes and done my hair in a cute bun with a fancy clip or something instead, but really that is an awful lot of palaver when I was coming straight home to get messy and dirty anyway.

    • branmuffin

      May 31, 2014 at 8:12 pm

      Absolutely!!

      Do I think I look adorable in my sweats and yoga pants? Definitely.

      However, I know when I get down, it’s easy to turn to the sweatpants. Around the house is totally fine, but not out in public.

      And have I ducked into Target in yoga pants after yoga or barre? Yep. Do I make a habit of it? No.

      (This past winter was especially rough, and I’ll admit to more Target runs in sweats and boots than I’d like to.) I feel better when I look better. I stand taller. I get more accomplished.

      And the thing is–it takes me just as much time to throw on a pair of jeans, t-shirt, and scarf as it does a pair of sweats, so why NOT make the effort?

      Same thing with make-up. I think I own half of Sephora and use a fraction of that, but at the very least, I don’t leave the house without lipstick, concealer, and eyeliner. I think if I did–lightning would strike. 🙂

      I loved Valerie’s notion of taking care of ourselves first. And I appreciate that this means different things for different people in terms of priorities, For her, it’s make-up and blowouts. (YAY!) For others, it may be laundry and catching more sleep.

    • Shelly Lloyd

      June 1, 2014 at 7:41 am

      If I want to attend the PTA meeting, I have to go straight from work. I do not have the luck to be in a nice sweet office job. I’m a baker/cake decorator. I go to work in my old clothes because they will get stained with frosting. And flour. And sweat. I work hard. And a lot of other moms do too. Most moms do not always have the luxury of time to get dolled up to impress others. Even moms who do not work outside of the home.

    • koolchicken

      June 2, 2014 at 10:04 pm

      You know what, going somewhere important dirty is never okay. Being clean and looking presentable is soooo different than getting dolled up. It’s just not that hard to toss an extra shirt and or pair of pants in your car or bag if you know you have somewhere important to be after work. To show up somewhere that matters with cake crusted to the front of your clothes is disrespectful, plain and simple.

    • Ursi

      May 28, 2014 at 8:45 am

      But that’s the beauty of judging people. Everyone does it sometimes, some people do it all the time, and none of it matters when I’m just running errands.

      I’ve seen people look askance at me for daring to venture out in a wrinkled sundress with my hairy legs on display but only someone truly rude is going to try to ruin my day about it. Otherwise, everyone can look for free and pass judgement, that’s cool with me. It’s not like these are the people in charge of whether I get a raise at work.

      The fewer people in my life I have to dress to impress the happier I am.

    • koolchicken

      May 28, 2014 at 9:01 pm

      I think that’s my point, everyone does it whether you realize you’re doing it or not. If you really, truly think you won’t care if you run into someone “important” then go ahead and dress how you want. But I a fan of dressing of how you wish to be perceived. I would like to be perceived as someone who thinks they matter, who is worthy of a bit of me time. I am a mother, but I’m also a person and I need to be allowed to have space to be me. Part of that is painting my nails fun colors, wearing well fitting clothes, etc. That’s just the outside stuff, but I feel that the outside reflects the inside. If I frequently ventured out in ill fitting, inappropriate clothing I feel it’s no different than wearing a sign that says “I don’t matter to anyone, including myself”.

      Oh, and I would never give you the side eye for unshaven legs. The wrinkled dress maybe, but not the legs. Body hair is something most of us have, and there’s nothing wrong with it. I’ve known plenty of well put together women who did not remove their body hair and I never thought less of them. I put it in the realm of makeup, 100% optional.

    • Sara

      May 28, 2014 at 9:02 am

      You sound like one of the old biddies at my grandma’s church that tell me, “always dress to impress, you ever know when a future husband might be looking!” And the more extreme, “God hates ugly/sweatpants wearing/frowns people.” I’m not saying this is your mindset, but it’s what I (a sleep deprived teenager) am reading into your ready admittance of judging.

    • koolchicken

      May 28, 2014 at 8:53 pm

      There is no reason you shouldn’t be dressing to impress. Although I think doing it for your future husband only is a bit weird and old fashioned. But you should think about who may be watching, always. What if you’re looking for an internship, or a scholarship? And what if someone wants to introduce you to someone who could help further your goals but you’re in some ridiculous outfit because “It was just a quick trip to Target”. Wouldn’t you feel much more confident if you looked put together? So it does make a difference and perhaps you’re still a bit too young to realize. We’ve all been caught off our guard and embarrassed, and if you haven’t yet you will at some point. But this is something so easy to control, so why not do it?

    • Sara

      May 29, 2014 at 11:06 am

      Honestly? I have other shit going on in my life that is way more important than how I look. And if some scholarship thinks they have the right to creep on me just because I applied for it, is stupid. Most people have this thing called context. My high school principal realizes that I dress differently at Walmart than I do at school. It shouldn’t be that hard to figure out.
      Also, a few years ago I developed a panic disorder centered around my other disorders. The way it manifested meant that I was “dressed to impress” because I A.) unless i had a belt on my body was going to come apart and B.) judgmental pricks like you were always there. So thanks for that.
      I’m confident because I know the shit I’ve gone through makes me a better person. I’m confident because I know that being comfortable for me is better in the long run then “impressing” some neighborhood asshole.

    • Alicia Kiner

      May 31, 2014 at 8:11 pm

      Good for you! As long as I and my kids are clean and fully clothed, I don’t care what people think of how I’m dressed when running errands. I usually try to look nice, do my hair and make-up, if I’m going to be out for a while or when going out to dinner, etc. But just a quick trip to one place for something, not so much. In fact, I went to Lowe’s and Home Depot for items for our new house with paint all over me, and no one batted an eye. I will say I’ve never gone anywhere after working out at the gym other than straight home, but I know that’s me. I always felt self conscious of my stench. 😉

    • Sara

      May 31, 2014 at 10:21 pm

      I figure as long as I and my clothes are clean, then I’m doing good. And sometimes I do like wearing a dress and throwing on some make up. But most of the time I realize I have a limited supply of time, energy, and effort so wasting time on hair and make up is not in the cards lol.
      I have to say I did go to a store right after a stress test at a hospital and I was so worried people could smell me! But we needed food for the hotel room so ehhh it all worked out!

    • Williwaw

      May 28, 2014 at 10:05 am

      Hyperbole much? Yoga pants + t-shirt does not equal just-rolled-out-of-bed. When I have just rolled out of bed, I am wearing pajamas, my hair is not combed, I have not showered, and I have not brushed my teeth. I take care of basic hygiene and put on clothes before leaving the house, and I think most mothers do the same, even if they don’t live up to your lofty standards of dress. That’s great that you like to be formal when you buy bread, and that you bemoan this decline of civilization with your like-minded sister. I personally worry more about the environment, poverty, population, child welfare, and just about any other issue you can name rather than the importance of a “good look”.

    • koolchicken

      May 28, 2014 at 8:41 pm

      Actually if you read my comment you find that my sister is in the “yoga pants are fine any place, any time” camp. I disagree with this line of thinking.

      Yes, society is going downhill, and this is just another example. The reality of it is this. It’s not that hard to pull on jeans and a cute top. It takes the same amount of time as yoga pants and a tee shirt but looks so much better. And jeans have so much spandex in them these days they’re actually comfortable, 10 years ago I wouldn’t wear them. Sweats might be comfy too, but it does look like you’re wearing pj’s to the market. Plain and simple.

      And please don’t try to imply I’m shallow and care for nothing beyond lipgloss because I think looking presentable is important. I never said poverty, war, etc. were not important. I do think there are many things worthy of our time, this is just one of them.

    • Williwaw

      May 29, 2014 at 10:12 am

      Could we just maybe agree to respectfully disagree on this subject? This argument is getting kind of tedious, it probably isn’t that important to either of us, and I’m sure we both have better things to do. Yes?

    • Shelly Lloyd

      June 1, 2014 at 7:36 am

      I don’t usually think less of other people on general principal, but I’m thinking less of you right now. You do not know those people personally. That woman in the grocery store in yoga pants and a T-shirt, maybe she is a slob or maybe her husband just left her and she is struggling to hold things together. Or that other woman in jeans and pink stains on her T-shirt–well maybe she is a cake decorator and she just got off of work and is picking up some milk before heading home. That would be me. When I leave the bakery I have frosting stains on my clothes. I always wear my old t-shirts and jeans to work because I know they are going to be covered with a rainbow of frosting by the end of the day.
      But if I have to pick up a few things at the store, I am so not going to run home and change just to make you happy. Fuck that. I put in 8 to 11 hour days on my feet most days. If you are going to judge a honest working gal just cause she isn’t all dressed up to stroll the isles at Target, well then that is your problem.
      As my granny use to say, It’s a grocery store, honey, not a cat-walk.

    • Kelly

      May 28, 2014 at 12:02 am

      My workout clothes are nicer than a lot of people’s work clothes. There’s no way in hell I’m going to change to go grocery shopping, especially when I biked there for exercise. Fuck that noise, if people don’t like it, they can look away.

    • koolchicken

      May 28, 2014 at 12:33 am

      I think we both know that if you’re basically in the middle of exercising no one expects you to go home, shower, and come back fully dressed. After all, you might be able to ride a bike in a maxi dress, but there’s no way it’s comfortable or safe. You dress for the activity you’re doing.

  19. Cruelty Cupcake

    May 27, 2014 at 4:39 pm

    Eh. I have plenty of time to do all of those things, I just don’t care to. Things I would rather do during naptime than my hair: read, internet, masturbate, take a nap with my dog, talk to my plants, stare at the wall, stare at the back of my eyelids, stare at the sun, idk…literally everything. I honestly find more pleasure in making a fucking loaf of bread from scratch.

    As far as male attention goes, I am happy to forego some by not wearing a ton of makeup. I get enough unwanted male attention as it is, even being 39 weeks pregnant with a toddler in tow. Men are animals.
    **Not implying that women who wear tons of makeup are asking for unwanted male attention, just addressing that part of this post.

    • Frances "Librle" Locke

      May 27, 2014 at 5:50 pm

      Personally, I like to incorporate my Interneting into my masturbation and plant talking time. I’m efficient like that.

      Also, there is nothing about your Disqus account that I don’t love. The name? Awesome. The picture? Double awesome. You’re the bee’s knees.

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      May 27, 2014 at 7:27 pm

      QUIT BRAGGING!!
      And thanks 🙂

    • Natasha B

      May 27, 2014 at 10:19 pm

      Dude. Took my oldest and her friends out for her bday this Saturday, and still caught a few guys eyeing my piece. And I’m due a week from tomorrow. That’s the last time I do my hair…..

  20. Maria Guido

    May 27, 2014 at 4:47 pm

    I can put on my makeup in 1.5 minutes. It’s impressive.

    • Valerie

      May 27, 2014 at 5:00 pm

      I’m at maybe 6 minutes! I don’t wear a ton and using mineral foundation is so much easier. It only takes me 30 min from shower to ready.

    • Julia Sonenshein

      May 27, 2014 at 6:32 pm

      I’m at 3! it’s the hair blowdrying that gets me, so I just say fuck it.

    • Valerie

      May 27, 2014 at 6:35 pm

      I’m not doing it now that it’s hotter outside. It will just curl up anyway, no point!!

  21. wispy

    May 27, 2014 at 4:56 pm

    I can try to look like the frumpiest frump and even that does not deter the sexual attention from my husband, though at times I wish it would. Even last night I was feeling my frumpiest with a big ole pad in my underwear and he grabbed my butt and I said “PLEASE do not grab my pad, it’s gross” and he says “But I’m into ‘pad play!'” Why is he an absolute FREAK when I’m at my grossest? I don’t get it. Sorry if this was TMI.

    • Maggie J

      May 27, 2014 at 5:00 pm

      HA! I know exactly how you feel! At least mine hasn’t coined the term ‘pad play’!

    • wispy

      May 27, 2014 at 5:02 pm

      I could have died when he said it. Hilarious but disturbing.

    • CMJ

      May 27, 2014 at 5:37 pm

      Did he giggle about it for twenty minutes. My husband would be SO proud of himself for that.

    • wispy

      May 29, 2014 at 10:11 am

      Yes I think we are still giggling about it today lol.

    • Valerie

      May 27, 2014 at 5:01 pm

      Lol.

    • CMJ

      May 27, 2014 at 5:35 pm

      My husband and I can be fighting (like real argument) and if I am wearing anything low-cut he will stop and stare at my boobs….

    • Natasha B

      May 27, 2014 at 10:34 pm

      Haha I love this! I’m all ‘I’m so pisse at you, stop eyeing me laviciously, I won’t have angry sex with you!’

    • Snarktopus

      May 28, 2014 at 5:44 am

      Mine does this, too. Sometimes it derails him enough that he forgets what we were talking about. It’s half funny, half infuriating.

    • keetakat

      May 27, 2014 at 5:50 pm

      OMG SO MUCH THIS!!!!!!! I have a cold and my period and maybe I ate something funny and I have diarrhea and yet…. and yet…. there’s something poking me in the back.
      What
      the
      living
      hell.

  22. Maggie J

    May 27, 2014 at 4:59 pm

    I was a very “functional” dresser before I had kids. I wore makeup once a week. Now I have a toddler, and even though I’ve lost almost all the baby weight, I still have so much body hate that I feel very uncomfortable in jeans and nice shirts. Essentially, anything that draws attention to my body just does not work for me. Props to the women who give themselves that time and effort. I hope I can feel that attractive one day. (I know this sounds like a sob story, and a method of fishing for compliments, but it’s not… it’s just the cold, hard truth of how I feel.)

    • koolchicken

      May 27, 2014 at 7:44 pm

      You know, I’ve found that the stretchy material of most lounge wear (yoga and sweat pants, and t shirts) is very comfortable, but also extremely unflattering. I’m tall and thin, yet when I’m wearing my stretchy tanks at home so I can breastfeed whenever I look horrible. Those shirts add about ten pounds and several non existent rolls to my appearance.

      So I say take some time for yourself and go try on some different outfits. You deserve to feel pretty instead of slinking away into a corner. My mother has body image issues. She’s always saying horrible things like “I look like crap” but it’s what she had been wearing. If you put her in a structured outfit instead of jeans and a sweatshirt and she looks so much thinner and taller. She instantly felt better about herself. She still goes back to her unflattering clothes (which I hate cause she starts talking badly about herself again) cause they’re “comfy”. So try to get over the notion of others looking at your body, cause I promise you if you feel great in what you’re wearing your whole disposition will change and people will end up more focused on you the person, and not “that shy chick in the sweats”.

    • Jill

      May 28, 2014 at 9:43 am

      I will second this. While my husband loves when I wear I wear yoga pants because of how prominent the ass looks in them I won’t wear them out for that same reason. I don’t want strangers to see my entire ass under a barely there fabric along with meaty thighs and every lump or bump. I had gained a little bit of weight and felt horrible about myself because it was a fight every time I got dressed. Finally went to Target of all places and found great fitting dark jeans and literally the heavens opened up. Having a go to item like that to pull out when you want to look great makes a huge difference in stress levels and self confidence!

    • koolchicken

      May 28, 2014 at 8:48 pm

      Yes! I do not need to see that much of anyone’s bum when I’m at the market, in a restaurant, etc. I barely want to see it at the beach.

      When I was pregnant my body image tanked. I encountered a mannequin in a pretty dress right after I started to outgrow my regular clothes and freaked. I literally started to sob in the middle of the sales floor. So I went to Michael Kors, found a pregnant sales girl who looked great and had her dress me. I felt fantastic for the rest of my pregnancy and afterwards when I was loosing the weight. It’s just a matter of finding what works for your shape. Once you have that magic piece of clothing you’ll wonder why you ever wanted to wear sweats out of the house.

  23. Snarktopus

    May 27, 2014 at 5:04 pm

    This piece reads really judge-y, which makes me sad, cuz I see you in the comments all the time, Valerie, and, dare I say, I LIKE you. But this piece…:(
    That said, I’ve been frumpy since maybe 5th grade, so…Yeah.

    • Bethany Ramos

      May 27, 2014 at 6:12 pm

      Valerie is 1000% awesome. 🙂 I honestly did not read judgy at all – just her take on feeling good as a mom.

    • Snarktopus

      May 28, 2014 at 5:36 am

      She is. I usually agree with her, too. And like I said above, it’s totally possible that I was just sensitive earlier and it affected the tone that I read this in.

    • Kendra

      May 28, 2014 at 9:06 am

      The thing is…I’ve read through this twice now, hours apart, and the last paragraph DOES sound very judgey. We are the audience to which these lovely ladies write, and I think it’s only fair that we provided our honest opinions. I love that these ladies come out to support their friends, and I think that’s very admirable. But, I hope they understand that most of the “regulars” commenting here are only being honest about how it reads. Maybe Valerie will be able to review it and see why her point was lost and misconstrued. I think Valerie is awesome, and I almost always agree with her as well. This one just had a few word choices that could have been better.

    • Julia Sonenshein

      May 27, 2014 at 6:30 pm

      I think it’s less about what other women do and more about the decision for her, personally! And being unabashed about having something that she does to make her feel good, for her. Nothing wrong with that!

    • Frances "Librle" Locke

      May 27, 2014 at 6:53 pm

      I didn’t read this as judgy, per se. I read it more as “it’s okay to make time for yourself” rather than “if you don’t do this you suck eggs” kind of thing.

    • Snarktopus

      May 28, 2014 at 5:33 am

      Fair enough. It’s entirely possible I was kind of sensitive earlier today and it colored how I read it.

    • Frances "Librle" Locke

      May 28, 2014 at 7:18 am

      Trust me, I hear you. I have those days all the time.

    • Snarktopus

      May 28, 2014 at 5:39 am

      I do have to add, though, that my ‘frumpy’ involves real, actual pants, but otherwise I just throw on whatever is on top of the pile of shirts/socks.

  24. stelajohnson1984

    May 27, 2014 at 5:12 pm

    i don’t agree because http://goo.gl/aqjgAC

  25. ToastDon'tCare(aka LiteBrite)

    May 27, 2014 at 5:14 pm

    After getting up at 5:30 – 6:00 a.m. Monday through Friday to do my hair, put on makeup, put on heels, etc, the last thing I want to do on Saturdays and Sundays is spend another hour+ doing the same thing all over again. If we’re going somewhere important – dinner out, family gathering, etc – I’ll make more of an effort, but if I’m just hanging around the house, doing housework and maybe venturing out to Target? Hell no.

    If my husband can spend his Saturday walking around in a t-shirt and grass stains, then I think he can handle seeing me in yoga pants without makeup.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 27, 2014 at 6:11 pm

      The first thing my husband does when he gets home from work is put on his “house pants”-AKA pajama pants. So he can deal with me wearing yoga pants from time to time.

    • CMJ

      May 27, 2014 at 6:25 pm

      Yep! I take off my bra and he puts on his Michigan State sweatpants.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 27, 2014 at 6:59 pm

      You need to knit that on a throw pillow 🙂

    • Guinevere

      May 28, 2014 at 10:55 am

      I grew up in East Lansing, WOOH MSU!

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      May 27, 2014 at 7:29 pm

      I can hardly wait to strip down the second I walk in the door. I’m embarrassed to admit (no, I’m not) that I have literally cut my underwear off before because I was wearing leggings, didn’t plan on taking them off for the rest of the night and I was too lazy to take them off and put them back on.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 27, 2014 at 7:54 pm

      Damn, that is taking it to the next level! You’ve set the bar really high (low?) for the rest of us. Time to step up my game!

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      May 27, 2014 at 7:57 pm

      I’ve only done it twice. It was on my bucket list.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 27, 2014 at 8:11 pm

      Now I really want to learn how to remove my undies without taking my pants off. Like Owen Wilson did in Zoolander. Your words have inspired me!

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      May 27, 2014 at 8:34 pm

      Shoot for the moon! Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars!

  26. Ashley Austrew

    May 27, 2014 at 5:29 pm

    Eh. I get what you’re saying, but for me personally, those things just aren’t priorities. I’ve always been a casual clothes, very little makeup type of person. I don’t necessarily spend my day in yoga pants, but I’ve never cared much for fashion or beauty products. Maybe that makes me some people’s definition of frumpy, but…*shrug* oh well.

  27. stelajohnson1984

    May 27, 2014 at 5:38 pm

    I did say I would be bumming if he stopped trying too. And for the record, he has never (and will never) say a word to me about it if I don’t feel like trying for whatever reason. http://goo.gl/aqjgAC

  28. K.

    May 27, 2014 at 5:40 pm

    Oh fuck this shit.

    Did it ever occur to this writer that frumpy moms might be making actual calculated decisions about their appearance, just as she is doing, only coming to a different conclusion?

    I had a choice between exercising in the mornings or working on my dissertation. I chose the dissertation. I still have my frumpy mommy body, but I earned my PhD AND took care of a newborn to boot.

    I have the choice to get pedicures and manicures and go to Sephora. Or I can spend the time to do things I really like doing, such as going surfing (which sort of negates any mani-pedi-hair stuff anyway) or playing 9 holes. Hell, I even have the choice to surgically alter my aforementioned frumpy mommy body so I can look better while surfing…Or I can put money into a retirement fund and into a college fund.

    I don’t dress frumpy because I work FT, but when I’m hanging out on weekends, I can choose to doll myself up, or be comfortable enough to do my favorite hobbies–like surf, play golf, cook, read, take walks. Oh–and yoga. In yoga pants.

    It’s a pretty broad assumption to say that those of us who make different decisions regarding our own appearance do so out of some sort of deficit. I mean, it’s great that your trips to Sephora are such a highlight in your life, but for my part, I’d rather my time and resources be spent elsewhere.

  29. That_Darn_Kat

    May 27, 2014 at 5:48 pm

    My husband has to wake up for work at 3:30 am. I am not getting up earlier than that just so I can avoid having other women call me frumpy. I put on makeup and do my hair for work, but that’s it. Yes, could I carve out time to work out and everything else? Yeah, but I’d have to survive on about 4 hours of sleep every day and…that just isn’t happening. You want to wear makeup and dress in a cute outfit? Go for it. Don’t judge me because I don’t feel like getting up even earlier than I already do so I can be all cute and dolled up….while sitting at home all day.

  30. Smitty

    May 27, 2014 at 5:50 pm

    I have a toddler and a newborn. Whatever precious time I have to myself isn’t going to be spent flat ironing my hair. I just don’t care enough about it. Reading a book on the other hand…

  31. Jane Doh

    May 27, 2014 at 5:51 pm

    I was fully expecting to like and agree with this article, and I didn’t. When you have kids, you don’t have time to do everything, and you prioritize what is important, both for your child, and for what makes you feel human and like you have control over your life. For me, the latter is accomplished by doing my hair and putting people clothes on every day, and keeping my house really clean. But that’s not what makes everybody feel human. For lots of people, it’s exercise, hobbies, maintaining friendships, or any number of things I miss doing but don’t prioritize. It isn’t ok to delve into girl on girl crime just because someone has different priorities than you. Unless it’s crack or pushing strange children down in public. Those aren’t cool. But don’t shame other women or make assumptions about their marriages because they don’t make themselves feel human the same way you do.

  32. erinjeanne11

    May 27, 2014 at 5:55 pm

    I totally agree on having a better attitude when I look put together and like I actually put some effort into my appearance. I definitely made it a priority before and after I had kids, so I get the point of the article – although it does go down the judgmental path at parts. Different people have different priorities.

  33. Tauren Stiles

    May 27, 2014 at 6:04 pm

    Cologne and perfume? Really? Who wears that daily anymore? When I smell it I think of Jersey Shore

    • Tauren Stiles

      May 27, 2014 at 6:05 pm

      The TV show

    • Guest

      May 28, 2014 at 9:32 am

      People who like to smell nice.

  34. Kelly

    May 27, 2014 at 6:08 pm

    Okay so I have never really gotten the whole thing about being a mom so you can’t shower or comb your hair or whatever. I parent solo 94% of the time and I managed to do both, and put on non-yoga pants every day. BUT. You do you, and I’ll do me. You want to go full-on glam every day? Have fun! You look great! You wanna do yoga pants and a bun? That looks comfy. Something in between? That’s cool do. Let’s try not to judge each other for a hot second. Lord knows we all get enough of that already. FFS.

    (Also, I get what you’re saying about not giving up and stuff but let’s give our collective husbands/boyfriends/friends with benefits/dudes a little more credit…)

  35. Ashlea Phenicie

    May 27, 2014 at 6:18 pm

    Well my self esteem doesn’t come from “primping” or looking “presentable.” I do exist to decorate other people’s space

  36. Larkin

    May 27, 2014 at 6:27 pm

    OK, so while I do agree that the tone could use a little work toward the end there–where it went a little 50’s on us–I think that the heart of this piece is less “You must make time for your hair and makeup” and more “It’s OK to dedicate time to yourself and still take the time to shower/do makeup/dress up, etc. if that’s what makes you feel good” I don’t think Valerie meant it as an indictment of women who don’t like to wear makeup or whatever, it was more a message of empowerment for the women who miss those things but feel like they can’t do them anymore.

    I recently went through this, and I’m still pregnant so I don’t have an actual kid yet. But I went through an “I don’t care” stage where I just kind of threw on clothes and didn’t really wear makeup… and I noticed after a while that I felt kind of down and unattractive. So I decided to go back to doing my makeup and hair a little more, and it made a world of difference in how I felt. And I’m not a hardcore primper… I’m talking maybe 10 to 15 minutes of extra prep time in the morning. But, still, it made a huge difference.

    But that might not be the case for everyone. If you feel your best with a makeup-free face and a ponytail, awesome! It’s less about what everyone else sees, and more about how you feel… at least, in my mind. Whatever makes you feel awesome and ready to take on the world is the right thing for you. 🙂

    So, yeah. I think some of the specific wording through people off, but I agree with what I perceive to be the spirit of this piece.

    • Valerie

      May 27, 2014 at 6:33 pm

      Thank you. 🙂

  37. lucie uk

    May 27, 2014 at 6:35 pm

    Oh make up and hair all the way. I never bothered about looking prom ready, but presentable. To me that it is clean hair, minimal make up, and def not sweats. So shoot me

  38. lucie uk

    May 27, 2014 at 6:43 pm

    I am just feeling that a lot of you slobbies will be divorced in a few years. Your husbands dont want yoga pants. Yep they appreciate you popped kids out of your hoo-ha. But not that much

    • Ashley Austrew

      May 27, 2014 at 8:17 pm

      If my husband wants to divorce me because I’m not fashionable enough, he knows where the door is.

    • Ro

      May 27, 2014 at 10:56 pm

      My husband actually begs me to wear yoga pants because he likes how my bum looks in them, but they’re not my style.

    • Gangle

      May 27, 2014 at 11:16 pm

      If I was going to be divorced for not having my hair, make-up and outfit right every time I left the house, it would have happened YEARS ago. As a matter of fact, if I insisted on looking amazing every time I stepped out the house my husband would have flicked me years ago for being annoying. I *do* dress up and slap on the make-up when we go out for dinner or what-not. But I am *not* tarting up just to go do the shopping and pay bills or to run other errands. I will look neat and presentable, but I am not slapping on a load of make-up or doing anything more crazy to my hair than brushing it and putting it in a ponytail. Apparently being a nice, kind, generous and caring person is more important to my husband than spending time in front of a mirror primping and obsessing. But you know, whatever standards suit you best.

    • Kelly

      May 28, 2014 at 12:07 am

      Yeah, people have been telling me I’ll be divorced soon for the entire duration of my 14 year marriage. It hasn’t happened yet. Guess why?

      Because my husband actually likes me the way I am. That’s why he married me. You on the other hand… well, he doesn’t give a single fuck about you.

    • Ursi

      May 28, 2014 at 8:59 am

      Next you’ll be telling me I should shut the bathroom door behind me when he’s home.

  39. Jodina Joseph

    May 27, 2014 at 6:44 pm

    I can’t believe on it because http://goo.gl/QBaHdV

  40. koolchicken

    May 27, 2014 at 7:29 pm

    THANK YOU!!!! It’s nice to know I’m not alone in trying to look presentable. Oh sure I hang out in pj’s when I’m at home (my husband’s a doc and is freaked out by germs so we have “inside only” clothes) but they’re cute pj’s. And when I go out I always try to wear something cute and do my hair and makeup. I don’t do it for anyone but me, but I know my husband appreciates that I make an effort cause he does have to look at me.

    I do want to say, I totally understand the women who don’t want to wear makeup, nail polish, or hair dye. I did just touch up my grey’s (I’m in my 20’s but premature greying runs in my family) but half the time I don’t care. I also don’t wear make up 24/7, because I think you don’t have to wear makeup or nail polish to be pretty. But running a comb through your hair, taking care of your skin, and filing your nails are part of basic hygiene and doing it well it makes a difference.

    Also, to those who say they don’t know how to do those things or what to wear. You’re online right now. How about popping over to a style blog to get some ideas. I have shamelessly copied entire outfits from store mannequins (they are styled by professionals right?) and I always look good. Although I often default to a dress, so long as it fits well you’ll look great and won’t have to worry about matching separates. You Tube has millions of hair and makeup artists just dying to share tips and tricks. I have one signature updo (courtesy of Pintrest) and I get endless complements on it- it’s just french rope sides and a low bun. Takes me 4-6 minutes, about the same time it takes me to do a neatish ponytail with all my little hairs poking out (hairs that get tucked into the braid!).

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      May 27, 2014 at 7:36 pm

      Nah, I’m pretty busy looking at pictures of baby animals on Pinterest…

    • koolchicken

      May 27, 2014 at 7:48 pm

      I think that’s where we differ, I don’t look at animal pictures on Pintrest. I use it as a resource for inspiration, tutorials, and shopping reminders.

      Just search for my screen name on Pintrest and follow my hairstyles board. I’ve done half the work for you, now all you need is to go and try some of those styles!

    • Valerie

      May 27, 2014 at 7:50 pm

      I’m baby elephants on Reddit the other night! Omg cutest thing everrr

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      May 27, 2014 at 7:55 pm

    • koolchicken

      May 27, 2014 at 7:57 pm

      Excuse me, I need to go find this Reddit.

    • Valerie

      May 27, 2014 at 8:08 pm

      Cutest!!!! There are gifs. They killed me!

    • Spongeworthy

      May 27, 2014 at 8:14 pm

      Just make sure you’re doing it in a dress and high heels and you’re good.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 27, 2014 at 8:13 pm

      Yes, I promised to love my husband forever. He promised me the same thing. I didn’t know that became null and void if I stopped wearing makeup around the house.

    • koolchicken

      May 27, 2014 at 8:36 pm

      I don’t think it voids the contract. I just think if you’re going to present the best version of yourself to anyone, it should be for the person who matters most to you.

    • BW2

      May 28, 2014 at 2:23 pm

      Can you post a picture of your updo?

    • koolchicken

      May 28, 2014 at 8:20 pm

      Sorry the photo is so crappy, but it’s really hard to take a photo of the back of your own head. The other photo is my Pintrest inspiration. This takes me 4 minutes at the fastest (I did it fast today so it’s not as detailed or polished but it gets the job done). My hair is soft so it slips out of everything. I recommend Bunheads hair pins. You can get them at Discount Dance or Amazon, as well as in some dance shops. They work so well, and you need fewer to get your hair to stay up.
      If you click on the little question mark it open the photo in another page. For some reason it won’t work here, I think because of it’s shape.

  41. mommystired

    May 27, 2014 at 8:03 pm

    To each their own. Some days, I doll up and look great. Many days, I’m makeup free and wear some form of gym clothes (yay getting to work from a home office!) all day long. My husband actually thinks I look best in yoga pants and a ponytail. Good for him, because even if he didn’t — I would still be wearing yoga pants.

  42. Elder Swindell

    May 27, 2014 at 8:30 pm

    … agreed ,,,,, now on with life~!

    Read “The truth About The Coming Zombie Apocalypse” – amazon bookstore
    http://www.amazon.com/Truth-about-Coming-Zombie-Apocalypse/dp/1462736491/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1400104532&sr=1-1&keywords=9781462736492

  43. Pepper

    May 27, 2014 at 8:43 pm

    I dress nicely and wear makeup most days, but I do it because I like too. My husband tells me I’m gorgeous first thing in the morning when my hair is sticking up and I’m trying to feed our daughter before she misses the bus yet again and he tells me I’m gorgeous when I’m in heels and a cocktail dress.
    Then again maybe I don’t count because I never had those sleepless baby years. (We adopted our daughter at age 6).

    • Valerie

      May 27, 2014 at 8:52 pm

      You totally count!!!!

  44. Marie

    May 27, 2014 at 9:23 pm

    Eh, I was frumpy before I was a mom. I only wear makeup on special occasions, wear my hair in ponytails, and dress in jeans and t-shirts. Funny thing, the only people who attempt to make me feel guilty about this are other women on the Internet, and only since I became a mother.

  45. Shadow

    May 27, 2014 at 10:30 pm

    Valerie, thank you. I don’t think any of this is 1950’s at all. I don’t have kids YET but am SO sick and tired of gals at the office, gals at the gym, etc. saying “enjoy it noooooooow!$&@@/!!!” Meaning that I like to look presentable and would like to keep it that way. I’ll rock a messy bun every so often however I agree that if my man and I just stop giving a shit about our inner AND outer selves it would not be as passionate due to lack of…well the other half’s lack of caring.

  46. Ro

    May 27, 2014 at 10:48 pm

    I agree on the clothing aspect. I see no need to wear sleep or workout clothing when I go out with my children when putting on jeans or even tights and a nice top is just as easy. However, I will skip makeup because although I have nothing against makeup and do wear it regularly, I resent the implication that I MUST wear makeup to be presentable! As for my hair, I’ve always preferred low maintenance styles and don’t believe in washing my hair everyday, so that’s usually pretty easy.

  47. jess

    May 28, 2014 at 12:21 am

    I’m with you.

    It’s not that you’re saying there’s something wrong with being a frumpy mother- but to those matyrs who complain about being frumpy- that’s a choice you make. And let’s face it- sometimes when I am in yoga pants and sweat shirts it’s the best feeling ever. I wouldn’t complain that I don’t have the time for make up/feeling good. For those who choose to be permemtnaly comfortable- that’s okay! If you feel good doing it, so be it. Just don’t bitch out those who don’t choose that.

    My sisters have told me I won’t have time after the baby comes- and somehow I sense they’re basically saying “unless you choose to look like you just got out of bed and haven’t had a haircut in 4 years, you are a bad mother because you chose your looks over your child”.

    Whatfuckingever. I can do my face in 5 minutes, throw on a nice dress and flats, pull my hair back in a donut bun, and viola! Instantly presentable. The whole process is 10 minutes start to finish.

    I think the point of your article wasn’t to say “hey you shouldn’t look frumpy” but rather pointing out- you don’t HAVE to if you don’t want to.

    • Guest

      May 28, 2014 at 9:51 am

      It takes the same amount of time to put on jeans and a tee as it does sweats and an old ratty shirt. It takes no time to brush your hair or throw it in a pony. If you’re doing makeup and it takes more than a few minutes you are either doing it wrong or doing it effin amazing. I say continue to look awesome!

  48. the_ether

    May 28, 2014 at 12:36 am

    You talk about not throwing in the towel after having kids…I threw in the towel years ago. I get maybe two haircuts a year. I wear jeans almost always, or stretchy dresses if I need to look like a Lady. I stopped shaving my legs. I only wear makeup to job interviews or if my acne is particularly hideous. I’m a low maintenance, 80s model dork, whose collection of pop-culture-referencing t-shirts could cover a tennis court. Somehow, my husband still manages to be attractive to me, because we make the effort to develop our relationship in ways that aren’t visible. I do hope we can continue that when our baby arrives, but I hope even more that I don’t turn out to be as sanctimonious as you about it.

  49. the_ether

    May 28, 2014 at 12:42 am

    AND ANOTHER THING. My husband doesn’t like it when I wear makeup. He hates it when he can’t see my freckles. So keep your makeup and judgement to yourself.

  50. Elizabeth Licata

    May 28, 2014 at 3:05 am

    Public pajamas, messy bun, and makeup-free face? If Sofia Coppola can do it and be a style icon, I’m going to do the same.

  51. Sofia Caden

    May 28, 2014 at 3:47 am

    I used to struggle with being the frumpy housewife when what I really wanted for my family was the old fashioned supermom.. So I did some searching for some old fashioned advice, I was able to find some hilarious older books at my local library… It inspired me to try putting on makeup and getting dressed in the morning, it boosted my confidence immediately, but was taking too much of my time in the morning. So I came up with a very quick version of my normal routine, instead of a full face of makeup, I rub ‘BB Cream’ all into my face, which is amazing its like primer foundation in a moisturizer that you can rub in your hands and lather on for a seriously flawless face. Then I throw some blush and if I have the time, mascara.. I tried to find clothes that were comfortable, easy to throw on and look good.. http://bit.ly/1tN1vPY

  52. Sara610

    May 28, 2014 at 6:07 am

    I agree with your general point, and I’m the same way. I do think the tone is a little bit judgy, but I get what you’re saying. I don’t think you’re saying that women HAVE to do XYZ after they have kids or else they’re unattractive hags whose husbands are going to leave them. Rather, I think the point is that if taking care of yourself is important to you before you have kids, it’s usually more attainable than a lot of people think to keep doing that after. Which I think is generally true (with the caveat that there are always going to be those times when you’re just trying to survive each day and anything else is icing on the cake that you didn’t have time to bake).

    For me, there are certain things that I’ve pared down–my haircut is more low-maintenance, I don’t wear high heels nearly as often as I used to, etc.–but it’s still as important to me to take care of myself now as it was before. But I think everyone’s version of “taking care of myself” is different. For some it means putting on makeup and a really cute outfit; those things are important to me but if I have to choose, I’d much rather spend that time working out because exercising makes me feel better and controlling my weight is really important for my sense of confidence. For some, it means meditating, or reading, or taking a class, or praying, or whatever. And that’s fine–I think the point is that maintaining yourself and seeing to your own needs so you can be confident and happy is just as important after motherhood as before.

    • Guinevere

      May 28, 2014 at 10:39 am

      “icing on the cake that you didn’t have time to bake” I LOVE THIS!!!

  53. keetakat

    May 28, 2014 at 8:55 am

    The “frumpy” mom vs. primpy mom is too stark a contrast for me….how about presentably groomed mom? Brushed teeth, clean clothes, minimal make up to freshen up, clean hair (who cares if it’s in a bun, ponytail or loose), and clean hands/feet & nails? You can be as comfy as you like and still remain confidently presentable?

  54. ginkgoleaf

    May 28, 2014 at 9:12 am

    I have never been what my daughter calls “fancy”. My personal style is a cute T, earrings, jeans and cute shoes. For a while after having kids I didn’t take care of myself: no exercise, skin care, regular trips to the hair salon. Now I do and I feel better. When I present myself at my best (which is geeky cute but make up free) I take care of myself more, thus feeling better. I find Valerie’s premise to have merit, we just need to remember each person’s pulled together style is different.

  55. NYCNanny

    May 28, 2014 at 9:38 am

    All the negative comments, woah. You’re all missing the point! You’re misreading a lot of what the author wrote in a very defensive way.
    1. She didn’t say that you have to have a full face of makeup and a perfect blowout. I think the exact term was “a swipe of eyeliner and perfume.” I’m guessing her total beauty routine takes 10 minutes in the morning…like most people. (Mine takes 8 minutes.) Everyone has 10 minutes to rub in some tinted moisturizer and swipe on some bronzer/blush/whatever. Your kid can handle sitting in a bouncy chair or in front of the TV for an extra few mins.
    2. She’s not saying that you have to BECOME this glamorous person after having kids… If that’s not what you were before kids, no need to become it after. If you didn’t wear makeup before, fine… don’t start now. BUT… if you, like many women in America, wore makeup and jeans and shoes that weren’t flip flops before kids…. there’s no reason for you to be any less after.
    3. Your husbands (partners) prefer you put in an effort. I know, I know… feminism rah rah…but seriously… men like makeup and dresses. It’s not torture.
    4. The author isn’t shaming anyone… In fact, she’s defending herself against all the frumpy mom friends who told her she’d lose herself when she had kids…which is crap. Saying, “I have kids” or “I don’t have the time” or “Kids come first” as an excuse to look like crap is just that…an excuse.
    I think everything the author wrote is 100% spot on and if it works for her, great. 🙂

    • Kelly

      May 28, 2014 at 9:53 am

      Men are individual human beings, just like women. They don’t all like the same thing. I’m so sick to death of hearing women who have never met my husband tell me what he’s attracted to sexually.

      Get the fuck over yourself.

    • guest

      May 28, 2014 at 4:43 pm

      Why are you always so ready to tell people to fu*k off? Your comments would be far more valid if you weren’t so angry in every response. Literally you are the reason I want nothing more to do with comments, the second someone disagrees with your or posts something that you don’t think is applicable to you your response is ‘Well, FU*K YOU”/ “sit on it”/ “get the fu*k over yourself”. YOU get over it geez.

    • Sara610

      May 28, 2014 at 10:01 am

      I think EVERYONE’S spouses prefer that they put in an effort. If my husband stopped showering and brushing his teeth and started walking around in sweatpants all day, I’d be grossed out. I would still love him and admire a lot of his attributes that have nothing to do with his physical appearance, but I wouldn’t be physically attracted to him the way that I am when he takes care of himself.
      A lot of the things that I find most attractive about him–his intelligence, his work ethic, the fact that he’s a wonderful husband and father–are things that have nothing to do with his looks. But that doesn’t mean the physical just completely doesn’t matter at all. The difference is that everyone finds different things attractive, and what one spouse considers totally sexy is a complete turn-off to someone else.

    • Kendra

      May 28, 2014 at 10:30 am

      I’ve acknowledged before that I understand what Valerie meant from this article, but I feel that it could’ve been written better. I think that’s fair, and any criticism I’ve given her is only to help explain why I didn’t read it how she intended it.
      That said, as an FYI, my husband hates makeup and dresses, so way to perpetuate a stereotype.

    • Upsilon

      May 28, 2014 at 11:07 am

      “men like makeup and dresses” How do you know? Maybe your man does, mine doesnt give a shit

  56. personal

    May 29, 2014 at 12:58 am

    This.

    • personal

      May 29, 2014 at 1:00 am

      Ha! Not where I’d planned.
      My husband generally prefers me without makeup. My hair is usually in a ponytail and I’m dressed in a way to best be able to sit in the sandbox or push a swing or ride a bike.

  57. Shelly Lloyd

    June 1, 2014 at 7:23 am

    Before I had kids I was always the girl who never wore make up, who always had their hair back in a pony tail and was seen in jeans and t-shirts. Now that I have kids I’m still the same. Why should I care if I am all dolled up or not? The actives I like do not go well with getting dressed up. Why in the world would I be all prissed out in make-up, high-heals, and perfectly done hair just to slough several miles through a marsh to my favorite duck blind to watch birds? Are the birds going to care?

  58. Beastmode and mommyhood

    July 12, 2014 at 11:53 am

    I think a lot of mommys out here are misreading this x10,000. The way I see it, this post is more about not having to entirely change just because you had a kid – or a new priority of any sort. She was the kinda gal, who did her maintenance before and sees no reason to stop now either…there is a huge expectation almost, that when you are a mom, you should give up on any attempt to “groom”. Some even say it is unorthodox for a mom to seek out sex-appeal. I have always been kind of a relaxed dresser, but definitely one to love my “beauty”-time and fit lifestyle. Taking care of yourself doesn’t have to mean a ton of make-up, which can sometimes get in the way of parenting (think beach and poolside activities), but rather give yourself the time and effort of hair care, massages, exercise. fancy-pants moisturizers, manicures or designer clothes—whatever it is that makes you feel good. It is not the same for everyone, but I bet every mom out there has a trick that makes them feel good and beautiful in or out or both. Just because you are a mom, does not mean you have to sacrifice entirely on your self- quite on the contrary. The better you feel, the better you can be as a mom and a partner. No one would like to sit around with a martyr or a depressed person…Valerie might be talking about jeans and make-up, but the message between the lines is even more simple. Frumpy can also be just grumpy, just saying…

  59. Pingback: I Refuse To Let Myself Go After Having Kids

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