Fred Durst Parenting: The Hot New Parenting Style You Have To Try
You might have guessed already, but I’m a little bit obsessed with particularly ridiculous parenting styles. I think it’s fair to say that I missed a great opportunity to screw with my kid by keeping her on weird schedules and chewing her food for her. I guess I see parenting styles in the same way that I regard bonsai trees; it’s a lot of work that’s designed to make sure that your kid comes out just so and only really dedicated people can stick to it because the rest of us will just fall asleep.
I figure it’s never too late for me, I can always start now with any kind of parenting style I choose, whether that’s paddlin‘ or answering every question my daughter throws at me with a “NO” and possibly a “Booyah!” or “In your face, kid!” Of course, these haven’t had any sticking power as of yet.
First, you get weird looks if you ask around for a paddle “which will instill in my youngling a most hearty godfearing nature and discourage future vainglory.” Second, my kid caught on to “no” parenting really quickly and started asking me if she could do stuff like fold laundry and dust the living room.
So this week I’m trying something new. I actually have my husband, who has a Fred Durst impression that he uses when he wants to try his luck with how likely I am to divorce him that day to thank for this. This, coupled with my daughter nonchalantly telling me that she “had to get some shit out of her room” for the yard sale we were having, led me to wonder how Fred Durst Parenting, or Dursting, might benefit my family. So I reread the Gospel of Bizkit, and took the most poetic nuggets to use in my new parenting style.
1. Start early, by teaching your children some basic hand signs to nurture their communication skills. We Dursters call this Baby Bizkit Sign, or more simply, “Stinkfinger”.
2. Once your child begins to talk you should start teaching them their numbers using the soothing cadence of your voice. We suggest: “Right about now, It’s time to get busy. One, two thrizzy. Shut the fuck up!” The kids love it.
3. As your children grow, give them plenty of incentive to make correct decisions, and avoid using food as a reward. For instance, you should be shoving any and all cookies up your ass.
4. Ensure that your children remain abstinent by providing them with the most effective chastity belt available: flat billed douche caps. Preferably a dashboard’s worth.
5. Give them the tools they need to interact across the generation gap and respect their elders.
6. Make sure they get plenty of exercise, and keep them safe by dressing them in below-the-knee jorts to protect their knees.
7. Let your children know that “Just Keep Swimming” is for “fucked up cops” with “fake ass titties” and tell them to Keep Rollin’ instead.
8. Dursting is all about being real. Like really real. So don’t be afraid to tell your children about the harsh realities of the world.
9. If your child questions your authority at any time, you should remind them who’s in charge.
10. Finally, remember that parenting is a big responsibility, and if you fuck it up Big Daddy Durst will remind you that “I hope you know I have a chainsaw, I’ll skin your ass raw.”
Happy Dursting, everyone. Don’t drink the hot-dog flavuhd watuh!