Pregnancy

Forget Adoption. I Decided To Keep My Baby At The Last Minute

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I was 18 years old. I had just walked across my high school graduation stage. I had college applications out to all of my favorite universities.

Two weeks later, I was in the bathroom at my parent’s house about to take a shower. It was a casual decision to take a pregnancy test. I didn’t really think I was pregnant but my boyfriend and I were sexually active and I was late for my cycle. I decided to take the test, just in case. I got into the shower, washed my hair, got out and there it was: two lines. Positive. My heart sank. Actually, my whole body sank to the floor. I cried and cried and cried and begged God for this to not be true. “Please be negative. Please be wrong. Please, oh please, oh please.” I called my boyfriend over. When he got there I was in a ball at the top of my parents stairs. He walked in and ran up the stairs. “What’s wrong? What is wrong?? Talk to me!” I just took the test out from the tight grip of my hand and he said, “Oh no. No, no, no.” After collecting himself, he reassured me that “everything would be ok.” I just sobbed. I thought about all of the things I would not be able to do, all the plans I had, what my family would think. It just seemed so impossible. 

As Michael and I talked more he made it clear he would not support a decision that involved abortion. At the same time, others were saying things like “Lindsey, you always think of others, now you need to think about yourself.” What they meant was get an abortion. I had other friends offer to take me to the clinic themselves. This all sounded very tempting to a vulnerable, scared 18-year-old girl. This could all go away. I could go off to college as planned. I could return to the life of a normal, 18-year-old girl and no one except a few close friends and Michael, would ever know this happened. But there was a different voice in all of that.  One of my best friends knew of a crisis pregnancy center in town. She knew I needed some direction. My mind was all over the place and fear was taking over. I went to the center and met a sweet lady who counseled me. She talked to me about all of my options. After listening to her, I knew that as “convenient” as it seemed, I could not end this child’s life for the sake of my own fears and plans.

The director of the center and my counselor vowed to stand by me and help me through things. I accepted that life was not over — it was just going to be a whole lot different than I planned. I sat my parents down and told them. I cried. And cried some more. I knew I disappointed them but they still loved me. I didn’t understand how they still loved me but now that I’m a mother, I completely understand it.

The Women’s Resource center helped me explore my two options: parenting vs. adoption. They put me in contact with an open adoption agency in my home state and I spent the next several months consumed with this decision. The seven months of walking through the adoption process was anguish. The more I saw the value of this life growing inside of me, the greater the pressure to make the right decision.

I would spend many days and nights with the two workbooks that the agency sent me: “Is Adoption Right for Me?” and “Is Parenting Right for Me?” Every single question forced me to think about where I would be in a year, in two, in ten. If I chose adoption would I want to see him before saying goodbye? Would I want to have contact with the adoptive parents? If I parented him, how would I provide for our needs? What would our budget look like? How would I finish school? The questions on both sides engulfed every second of every day. I would picture my routines each day with my baby involved in them, then I would picture my routines without him in it but knowing he was with a wonderful family.

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22 Comments

  1. Jen

    September 27, 2011 at 9:34 am

    Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad that you had the CHOICE to do what was best for you and your family and it sounds like you are committed to making your life work for you. Was your now ex-husband supportive of the adoption when you were considering it or did he want to raise the child? Don’t feel obligated to answer if that’s too personal, I’m just curious.

  2. Brittney America

    September 27, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    wow very moving story, thanks for sharing. i hope the best for you and your children.

  3. Annellyse Mathison

    September 28, 2011 at 9:43 am

    girl i support you 100 percent it is against God’s will to commit abortion.YOU MADE THE RIGHT DECISION DON’T MATTER WHAT PEOPLE SAY.some people don’t have the courage to do what you did.

    • Heather

      October 12, 2011 at 11:13 pm

      Hmm that’s funny. God’s will, eh? Where exactly does it say THAT in the bible?

      Some people don’t have the courage to think outside of their god-fearing indoctrination and make up their own mind’s for themselves.

    • Z

      October 14, 2011 at 2:47 pm

      LOL. Troll much, Heather?

  4. nichole

    September 28, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    That was beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

  5. Melinda

    September 28, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    I really enjoyed this article. It’s so good to hear that you kept your baby and you’re doing well, and I’m so glad that you didn’t resort to abortion when so many young women would have. That takes courage and strength beyond belief.

    • Heather

      October 12, 2011 at 11:11 pm

      …and it doesn’t also take courage and strength to actually go through with an abortion?

    • Heather

      October 12, 2011 at 11:11 pm

      It doesn’t take a whole lot of courage and strength to give a baby up for adoption???

    • Melinda

      October 14, 2011 at 2:43 pm

      *eye roll* Whatever you say, Heather. I’m sorry that you are having such a shitty day. Would you like to talk to a therapist about your piss poor attitude instead of being an argumentative bitch?

  6. K ayers

    September 28, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    Praise God! Bless you!

  7. Lucinda

    September 28, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    So basically you were brainwashed into keeping an unwanted pregnancy by an ignorant religious zealot at a crisis pregnancy center… which are staffed by anti-choice assholes, not medical professionals. Good for you?

    • Melinda

      September 28, 2011 at 6:34 pm

      How about we just respect her choice, seeing as it was HER choice to make–not yours, and continue on with our lives, hmm?

    • Canaduck

      October 1, 2011 at 1:16 pm

      @Melinda

      No, she’s right. CPCs are not staffed by medical professionals; they are staffed by people who have a zero tolerance stance on abortion and an aim to prevent it at any cost, through lies or insults or whatever. They have basically stalked women who leave without agreeing to stay pregnant. For years after having visited a CPC, one woman received an annual “bloody” birthday card from them on what would have been the approximate birthdate of the child, had she kept him/her.

      But they don’t tell anybody that they have an agenda–they claim to be exactly as impartial as Planned Parenthood.

      Like you, I’m glad that the author made a choice that was the right one for her, but CPCs are deceptive and should be illegal. Look at sites like CPCWatch or just google it.

    • Wow

      October 3, 2011 at 5:37 am

      @canaduck, Most of those hotlines you see are abortion centers wanting to make $ on killing babies, you call them and abortions usually the first “choice” they mention not what you mention. I’m glad this poor young girl wasn’t pushed into aborting her baby, he got to grow and she’s happy, end of story.

      Pro-choice-The radical idea that babies are human too.

    • Melinda

      October 8, 2011 at 4:44 pm

      @Canaduck

      Where did I say anything about CPCs, or that Lucinda was wrong?

      Exactly. I didn’t.

    • Heather

      October 12, 2011 at 11:10 pm

      Great comment, Lucinda. This article rubbed me the wrong way as soon as she said “crisis pregnancy center”…and of course when she followed it up with the fact that she decided not to “I could not end this CHILD’S life for the sake of my own fears and plans,” as if she wasn’t just a child herself. I’m glad she made the right “choice” and that things worked out for her, but this rhetoric is definitely pro-life i.e. anti-choice.

    • Melinda

      October 14, 2011 at 2:37 pm

      Heather, I don’t know about what country YOU’RE from, but here in the United States, you’re legally an adult at the age of 18. She had every right to make the decision she made, regardless of whether you like it or not. How about you stop putting words in the author’s mouth and over analyzing the article and just continue on with your day?

  8. Laura

    September 28, 2011 at 8:32 pm

    Very nice article. I’m so glad you made the choice that was right for you and for your child.

  9. Ploums

    September 28, 2011 at 11:48 pm

    Nothing can ever be rosier than the path you chose… You labored hard, and should be very proud!! Congrats, tough cookie, on being at peace with yourself, you beautiful babies, and your smiling Father. Grace and happiness to you. Always. 🙂

  10. rachel

    January 10, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    Crisis pregnancy centers are a joke. For the woman in thisarticle they seemed to have helped, but often this is not the case. They are not medical professionals & give very questionable information to those vunerable woman looking for information. I worked at an amazing abortion clinic for many years and our goal was not to “kill babies” but to help a woman make a choice that was right for her. For some that meant ending the pregnancy & for some it meant continuing, the pregnancy to raise a baby or giv e it up for adoption. Signed ProChoice Mommy of an amazing 3 year old boy!

  11. Nix

    January 20, 2012 at 5:28 am

    Awesome stuff, just one thing that is not awesome at all is the people who have come yet again to banter about religious this and brainwashing that…let’s all just accept the fact that she chose life over a million other possibilities and she did it without taking a major stance on the pro life or pro choice side, she made a choice, a good one, It was her good choice so lets just congratulate her on the fact that she found the faith and courage to become a mother and do a damn good job of it. Perhaps those of you that have nothing better/helpful or more intelligent to say than you can’t stand people who love God or love their religion should get over your childishness, religion is a choice and for so called Choice – loving people you cannot seem to stand people who don’t like what you like or who don’t agree with the things you think should be done, hypocritical much?

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