Facebook Parenting:The Hot New Parenting Style You Have To Try
Like a brave adventurer, I continue onward in my quest to find the ultimate parenting style. One that fulfills all of my needs by allowing me to be lazy but look awesome. This weekend I was cruising Facebook, looking for people’s ideas to steal, when I stumbled across a post someone had put up about how their child had recently learned to recite the entire Epic of Gilgamesh in its original Akkadian and I wondered, how can that be? The most I’ve ever seen this child do is eat handfuls of dirt and scream if you change the channel when Bubble Guppies is on.
That’s when, very suddenly, I realized that perhaps not everything you read on the internet is true. Perhaps not everything you read on Facebook is true. It further occurred to me, at just that moment, that I could definitely use this to my advantage when it comes to deciding on a parenting style, because it allows me to do whatever I want and then say I did something entirely different. You probably already know people who practice Facebook Parenting, because they are crafty, crafty mofos.
1. In the first few months of your child’s life, never let on that having a baby is anything other than a #blessed experience. Post lots of sickly sweet picture memes to show how happy you are while you grind your teeth from exhaustion and pretend not to hear your baby screaming.
2. Worried about your child not hitting milestones on time? Not as a Facebook parent, you’re not. Sorry regular 18 month-olds. My 18-month old can read. See, here’s a picture of him with a book and a totally true story that I couldn’t have possibly made up about him reading the whole thing out loud while two rainbows appeared in the sky.
3. Tantrums can be hard to deal with, amirite? On top of the challenges of dealing with them, there’s always the added stress of feeling judged by other moms. So be that mom. The one with a child who never throws tantrums. It doesn’t have to be true. You just have to say that it is.
4. No time to clean your house? Not a problem. You have two options. You can post about how only neglectful monster robots clean their houses while their children scream for hours, just wanting some love, or you can clean a corner, take a picture, and put it on Pinterest.
5. If you’re having a few marital issues due to to the stress of rearing children, just ignore them. Post four or five times a day on your partner’s wall about how much you love them. Buy yourself coffee. Photograph it. Throw a filter on it and tag it #besthusbandevar or #shelovesme.
6. Project any concerns about your own parenting on to other parents. Wonder how a mother can leave a child in a grocery cart while she dashes in the restroom to take a wee and gloss over the part that you’ve been on Facebook for 6 hours since your child woke up.
7. Mothers sometimes feel like they’ve lost their air of mystery. But you don’t have to. Vaguebook. Write “Grrr so mad right now but my little Apricot makes everything alright #hatersgonnahate #momlife”
8. Potty training can be frustrating. But it’s true what they say: misery loves company. Photograph your child’s bowel movements and post six or seven albums dedicated to the Bristol Stool Chart. Make comments on texture.
9. Make sure that everyone in the world understands that your life is about your child now. It will do wonders for any insecurity you are feeling to reject all of your friends, post bad ecards about Sluts McGee moms, and wrap yourself in the protection only a blanket of self-affirming untruths can provide.
10. Do not, for one moment, allow your child to do anything without your phone or camera shoved in their face. You never know when you’ll need another picture to complete your carefully fabricated web of lies.