1. When they start blowing their own noses
I do not enjoy being used as a human Kleenex.
2. When they figure out how utensils work
We are in the awkward zone right now where my 14-month-old daughter wants to eat with a spoon, but is not yet coordinate enough to wrangle food onto that spoon herself. Most meals take a lot longer now as I have to put food on the spoon for her before every bite, although sometimes she is content to just hold an ornamental spoon in one hand while feeding herself with the other.
3. When they stop taking their shoes and socks off in the car
Oh, your feet are cold, honey? I wonder why.
4. When they've gotten all their molars in
There is no more miserable creature than a toddler cutting two or three giant teeth at a time. Except maybe that toddler's parents or babysitters.
5. When they allow you to eat food in their presence without having a meltdown
My kids love bananas, apples, and oranges, possibly more than they love me. My fruit consumption has dropped dramatically in the last several months because I can't take a banana out of the fruit bowl without either having to share or triggering an epic shit-storm. Hopefully we reach this milestone before I develop scurvy.
The tricky part of going to the bathroom at my house is actually the going out of the bathroom part, because both of my children will be plastered against the bathroom door, waiting and wailing. Good luck opening the door wide enough to squeeze through! I dream of the day when a quick potty trip won't require five minutes of gently jiggling the door to dislodge the kids.
7. When they lose interest in other people's teeth
I am 95% sure my kids are going to grow up to be dentists. At some point they're going to stop trying to pick at my gums with their fingernails and poking my canines, right? Right?!
8. When they start putting away their own toys
Don't get me wrong, I love putting away 8,918,219 Mega-Blocks every day! Wait, no I don't.
9. When they realize the dishwasher is not a toy
Or at least when they stop making a bee-line for the sharpest knife in the silverware basket every time I try to put a dirty dish in there. Dishwashers just are not that exciting, kids, I promise.
10. When they stop getting sick every other week
I'm fairly sure that my children have had every variety of common cold known to humankind. I was promised by science that this was good for their developing immune systems, so when do I get to start benefiting from that?
(Image: Iakov Filimonov/Shutterstock)