I love school. I loved it when I was little, and I love it now, when it brings with it the promise of eight hours of relative solitude and pantslessness. My daughter also loves school, which means that I have little to do in the way of pretending to get amped up in order to get her amped up. She's so sick of my face right now and so bored of chlorine that she keeps asking me how many days are left until school starts. Five, child. Five long, never-ending days until we are out of each other's hair for the next nine months, which is long enough to gestate this food baby I'll start working on as soon as you hit the books.
1. It's Time To Start Waking Up At The Asscrack of Dawn
This is when shit gets done. If you're the type of person who loves to languish about until noon then you deserve a crowded grocery store and that sleep-in headache/joint ache combo that only lazy people get to enjoy. Early to bed, early to rise, mofos.
2. Make That Nine Hours
Oh, you help your kid with their homework? That's ADORABLE. You can't build character without struggle, so go struggle with those times tables while mommy gets dinner ready with that extra hour. We leave the Pinterest-perfect shoebox dioramas to the other moms.
3. Sandwiches Sprinkled With Love
Why did you even have children if you didn't want to make beautiful bento box creations with the entire Taj Mahal sculpted out of sticky rice? I mean, I guess you can whine about it. IF YOU DON'T LOVE YOUR CHILDREN.
4. I'd Rather Spend Money On School Supplies Than Bronzer
I'm so sorry if your name starts with a 'V' and ends with an "E" and rhymes with Shmalerie and you would rather spend money on mascara and slut paint. The rest of us actually care about our children's preparedness for the school year. Crayola is way cheaper than Sephora anyway, just sayin'.
5. My Kid's Taste In Clothing Is Bitchin'
I don't have a picky child. I have an awesome child who insists upon wearing black crushed velvet and lace overlay quarter-sleeve dresses paired with Doc Martens and galaxy leggings. Back to school time is the only time of year that I can justify buying this stuff, so I just sit back and enjoy her excellent taste in '90s throwback clothing.
6. Wait, Make That Ten Hours
After school activities are the best. I can squeeze a nap in between that afternoon nap I took and the nap I take while she does her homework. Not my fault if you don't see and subsequently take an opportunity for naparifficness during Abrakadoodle, Shmalerie.
7. Mmmm, Cookie Dough.
Wait, you're supposed to sell this stuff? I've just been eating it, suckers.
8. I Actually Care About Parent Involvement
Unlike SOME people. I don't mind throwing in a few hours at the school library every month if it means my kid can forego therapy later.
9. I'm Not A Regular Mom, I'm A Cool Mom
I want to hear all about what that little snit Sophia said to Ava G. at the lunch table. Don't leave anything out. OMG she did NOT say that to Mykenzy! She did? Hang on, let me get some popcorn.
10. At Least One Of Us Thinks Teachers Deserve A Little Appreciation
I'm so sorry if you don't believe that underpaid, under-appreciated teachers need a gift card to Chili's or Starbucks tossed their way once in awhile. And by sorry, I mean not sorry. And by not sorry, I mean I'll be the one at the Christmas party with a loud running commentary on your lack of contribution to the gift card tree AND your lack of commitment to Sparklemotion.