Everyone Wants A Hot Wife, As Long As They’re Not ”˜Too Hot’

A few years ago, a friend of mine told me that her husband asked her not to wear such tight-fitting clothes. And this after they’d been married for all of two months. Now, my friend is gorgeous and has a body that reminds me of the Jessica Rabbit line “I’m not bad, I’m just drawn this way.” She was not pleased. If anything, she said, such a request only made her want to dress more provocatively.

Even though my mom is a pastor’s wife, she has always had a strong sense of style. And my dad, God bless him, has always encouraged her to dress as she sees fit — high heels and short skirts and all. So that’s how I was raised. My own husband errs on the side of not actually noticing what I’m wearing as opposed to telling me what to wear. We had a major breakthrough last week (after five years of marriage, mind you) when he told me that there was a tear on the back of my dress. It practically made me cry that he noticed what I was wearing. (Don’t worry, he affirms me in many other ways!)

Anyway, even though I’m completely unfamiliar with the idea of a husband telling his wife what to wear or how to present herself, I actually sort of understood what the husband was saying. And, further, I thought my friend should try to work with him. Why? Because what we wear says a lot about what we want others to think of us. Fashion is important and should be thought through. Obviously most of that is an individual issue. But in the same way that you wouldn’t want your husband wearing sweats to a job interview at a bank or the hipster-ironic-crude T-shirt he picked up in Key West when he’s visiting your grandmother, it’s not unreasonable that — should someone need guidance — they might get it from their spouse. I’m sure there are a few women who haven’t, at times, suggested their husband wear different shoes or a better shirt, but probably not many.

In the case of my friend, she was pretty sure he simply wanted her to be more modest and covered up than she was in their dating years. What’s hilarious about this is that it was of course her hotness that first attracted him to her. So if that’s what he likes in her, why in the world would he want it covered up? Talk about a classic bait and switch, eh? Why not show her off to all of his friends, proudly noting that he was the only guy who was good enough to land her? I kind of wish he would take that approach.

But I got a clue about this phenomenon from an encounter the other day at my gym. I heard two dudes talking about an attractive young woman we work out with. This is Crossfit so we tend to see the same people at the same classes. Anyway, apparently she’s married, which was news to me. Somehow I didn’t notice any ring on her finger while our instructor was yelling at us do as many reps as possible in 20 minutes … of 10 burpee box jumps and 10 sandbag clean and jerks and 200 meter rows after a Wendler round. But also, she in no way acts like she’s married. I mean, she acts like she is on the hunt for a dude. She’s very flirtatious and she dresses in about as suggestive a way as is possible at the gym.

So they didn’t know I could hear them but the one guy says he wouldn’t want a wife like her. And the other dude was all “Are you kidding? She is BANGING.” At which point the first dude was all, “Yeah, that’s the problem. She has it all out there and she acts like she’s not satisfied at home.”

If the way you dress reflects on you as an individual, it stands to reason that the way you dress reflects on both you and your spouse. The Book of Genesis describes the conjugal relationship as “the two becoming one flesh.” When two individuals unite together, they need to think about how their attire and presence reflects on the spouse. Now, maybe dressing like you always have is very important to you. But rather than react to your husband’s request to tone it down with a pledge to tramp it up, instead use it as an opportunity to have a discussion.

What’s the underlying reason the husband doesn’t want the tight-fitting clothes? Is he insecure about whether she’ll be faithful? Well, address that issue. Is he hurt about the way his mom cuckolded his dad? Address that issue. Was he under the impression that marriage would act like an invisible shield against other men finding his wife attractive? Well, talk it out and explain how it works! Does he worry that people will think she’s not satisfied? Well, assure him that there are other ways to publicly convey how important she holds her marriage vows. Or maybe he really just doesn’t like that one sweater? Who knows? Healthy communication alone will solve this problem.

And perhaps it’s worth your time to think about why you dress the way you do and whether you’re getting what you need out of a relationship. Every woman is different, of course. For some of us, clothing is a way to simply shield ourselves from the elements. But for others of us, we may use fashion to show off our tremendous sense of style or our ability to make some type of statement with what we’re wearing. Perhaps we want to show our independence, our confidence, our power or even our sense of humor. Maybe we seek admiration or validation. And here’s where it becomes even more important — maybe we’re not getting those things from our partner. [tagbox tag=”marriage”]

No offense to my friend’s husband, but my friend knows much — much — more than he about what’s appropriate. She really knows how to dress well and in a way that flatters her assets while respecting social conventions. So while I would trust her a million times more than her husband about whether what she’s wearing is good, that’s not the point. The point is (to go all Nigel/Stanley Tucci or Miranda/Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada), that fashion isn’t some meaningless thing. It’s the way we express our hopes, fears and aspirations. When people respond to that, they’re also telling us something about their hopes and fears. We should respect them enough to take the time to work through these things together.

The bottom line: Good communication is the foundation of a healthy marriage, and what you choose to wear says a lot. You may be right about what you’re wearing, but at the very least you can respect your spouse enough to explain what you’re going for.