Along with their requirements for food, diapers, and affection, it turns out that babies also need to be clothed. The way we as parents choose to meet that requirement tends to say more about our outlook on life than it says anything about the baby himself; and in the case of these ten Etsy onesies, it says, "I am jaw-droppingly tacky and have opinions about gender better suited to the Dark Ages than the year 2015."
As we all know thanks to Science, men are inherently unable to match colors together, because testosterone. (Little known fact: the existence of male fashion designers like Ralph Lauren and Michael Kors are actually just a worldwide mass hallucination.)
This onesie also gets bonus points for being extra-annoying, because there's literally no color of pants that doesn't go with black-and-white.
Ha ha! Pretending our daughters will never grow up to have relationships, let alone The Sex, is a hilarious and totally healthy thing to do.
I don't know what I did to deserve to live in a world where things like this exist.
"Provide me sustenance and reduce me to my aesthetic usefulness to others!" I'm all for telling young women that they're pretty in the face of the repeated insistence from mass media that they are not and that they need to buy 9,000 products to make them acceptable for public consumption. I'm not so much for the ridiculous over-value placed on prettiness, though, and I don't see any baby-girl shirts out there that say "Feed me and tell me I'm strong/clever/kind/brave."
I changed my mind. The "tell me I'm pretty" onesie is 900 times better than starting in on a body-shaming campaign for your three-month-old.
Deciding baby's sexual orientation when baby is still a baby, policing female sexuality, blah blah blah. WHY. IS THERE A PICTURE. OF HANDCUFFS?!
I have seen a lot of wildly unnecessary things in my time on this planet. This is one of them. Let's have a moment of silence for the dignity of the child crammed unceremoniously into this outfit, as well as for the man who has been reduced to a competitor for his wife's boobies--excuse me, I mean BOOBies.
... Was Urban Dictionary down the day this shirt was printed? Do people not understand what MILF actually stands for? It does not stand for "Mom I Love Fondly". It suggests that the wearer of this shirt would like to do unspeakable things to her own mother. After seeing this onesie, I feel like I need to enclose my computer in a Ziploc bag and send it to the FBI for processing.
To be fair, if you're going to spend $10 plus shipping on a single screen-printed onesie, that might not be far from the truth.
I like to imagine that any child dressed in this monstrosity will grow up to exclusively wear ripped denim, leather, and Doc Martens.