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The Thing That You Will Hate Most About Pregnancy Is Being Sober

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I promise that I am not an alcoholic. (What a great way to start an article, eh?) But I really, really enjoy drinking in moderation. For me, moderation is one glass of wine or beer a day with the potential for more fun on the weekend.

Sure, I partied quite a bit in my early twenties, but I can live without alcohol. I just don’t want to. To be completely honest, the only beef that I had with being pregnant was that I couldn’t get crunk for nine long months.

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It wasn’t the sweating, or the fear of impending labor, or feeling constantly uncomfortable in the eighth and ninth month. No, it was the fact that I couldn’t have more to drink than a tiny glass of wine twice a week, and I felt deprived. I felt like I had nothing fun or relaxing to look forward to, and I wouldn’t get my true love—wine—back until I had my baby.

I know sanctimommies harp on about how easy it is to give up everything “bad” for the sake of the growing baby. After all, isn’t it only nine short months? Doesn’t the life and health and development of your baby matter?

I get what you’re saying, I really do. I just wished I didn’t have to give up all of the so-called bad stuff because it made pregnancy epically boring. It also made me sad on the inside whenever I would volunteer to drive my husband home from a social gathering after a few drinks. Being the pregnant DD sucks.

I told my husband when I was pregnant that I wished there was one free day where I could get totally shitfaced, and it wouldn’t harm the baby. That would be the best kind of pregnancy reward, and maybe I wouldn’t have minded nine months in the wilderness so much.

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Just one short break, one day where you don’t feel like a virtuous pregnant person that can’t look at sushi or espresso, one day to drink five beers in a sitting, and then I promise I’ll be good from now on! (For the record, I did have sushi and wine and espresso while pregnant. My pregnancy philosophy was MODERATION.)

If you’re newly pregnant or are trying to conceive, you’ve been warned in advance. Pregnancy is a wonderful time and a beautiful gift and all of the other stuff that you are supposed to say to prove you are happy about carrying a baby. But it also sucks because you are way too sober.

(Image: kitty/Shutterstock)

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