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Anonymous Mom: I’m Disowning My Parents

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disowning parentsAnonymous Mom is a weekly column of motherhood confessions, indiscretions, and parental shortcomings selected by Mommyish editors. Under this unanimous byline, readers can share their own stories, secrets, and moments of weakness with complete anonymity.

My parents are both dead now. They died a month ago and I’m still grieving. The problem is they are both very much alive, a 20 minute drive from my house.

Yes, now in my mid-30s, I had to disown my parents. Having a mother with borderline personality disorder had finally taken its toll.

This was a long time coming, but when it happened – when I finally told them, “I have no parents,” – I don’t think it was any less painful than actually losing your parents to sickness or a car accident. I think losing a parent is always painful.

I hate when people say, “People can change,” Or, “They’re old!” or, “How can you just cut them off like that?”

I’ve also asked myself these questions numerous times. But the truth is, my parents made me feel as they have always made me feel. Like I was drowning. I have always felt that even if I were actually drowning, depending on my mother’s mood that moment, she may or may not try to rescue me.

I had to disown my father too, because after all these years, especially during my childhood, he didn’t step in to “save” my siblings or I from my mother’s vicious streak. He, too, was under the roof of borderline personality disorder and was probably just as scared as we were — and still is.

I’ll be brutally honest: I feel like I hate my mother and I have no respect for my father. I have all the symptoms of an adult child of a borderline personality disorder parent. These include, but are not limited to, huge self-esteem issues, panic attacks after talking to or seeing my mother, and I’m wary of trusting people.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I told my parents I had a serious medical issue and asked if they could they please help out with my children for a couple of weeks. They said they couldn’t until May.They are both retired and their excuse for not helping out was so pathetic, it’s heartbreaking for me. For years, before I disowned them, I asked myself, why do I walk into this?

I haven’t been able to look my parents in the eyes for over a decade and when I used to see my mother, shivers immediately went up my spine. To grow up with a mother who never once told you she loves you is only the start of my upbringing. The lack of love affected both of my siblings, too. One tried to kill himself when he was younger and the other moved half way around the world because in his words, “I couldn’t stand mom and dad.”

I didn’t move. I didn’t try to kill myself. I disowned them instead.

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193 Comments

  1. Someone

    April 11, 2013 at 11:51 am

    Thank you for this. Having a Borderline mom is indescribable to people that don’t have one themselves, and the guilt over saving yourself from their behavior can be crushing. You and yours will be better off, I know me and mine are.

  2. parentless by choice

    April 11, 2013 at 11:59 am

    everything will be okay. i promise you. i know. and you will be good to your children because you know exactly what NOT to do. you know how it hurts. your explanation will simply be “i do not have a relationship with my parents” and people generally don’t ask why. be confident when you say it, because you mean it, and you need it. never feel guilty. ever. explaining to your children will be the hardest, but explain to them why in the most simple terms, and they will understand. you are not alone.

  3. survivor

    April 11, 2013 at 11:59 am

    Good for you! I too had to disown my mother as a result of her borderline personality disorder. I made the choice 3 years ago, and to this day, it remains the hardest choice I have ever made. When I try to explain to people why I had to do it, most give a blank stare and just can’t understand. The hardest part for me is how celebrated mothers are. They are put up on a pedestal and made out to be a hero. I spent 27 years of my life caring for her every emotional need. With the weight of her life on my shoulders as my responsibility. I am a happier person without her in my life. Though she still tries to suck me back in every few months, I have stood my ground. Doesn’t make it easy, but I have a great support system around me.
    Stay strong and make sure you keep a good support network around you. All BPD’s are different, but if your mom is anything at all like mine, she’ll eventually try to weasel her way back into your life.

    • Lola

      December 14, 2013 at 4:45 pm

      Agreed. Mothers are celebrated, which is great when they are nurturing and responsibly have children that they are willing and able to care for. But nobody wants to even think about the dark side of motherhood, when she is not capable of love and has children for selfish reasons. My nutjob of a mother had me in order to keep my father on hook to maintain the lifestyle she had grown accustomed to. She is a manipulative psychopath and ruined my life for many years. She is a soul-sucking, malicious leach that will drain all she can out of you. Getting myself together meant getting her out of life.

    • Lindsey Karau

      December 30, 2013 at 9:17 am

      I cut my “mother” out of my life by reporting her abusive history to CPS in a desperate attempt to protect my nieces. Severing that tie was one of the most long overdue but best decisions I ever made. I have no guilt or shame about it. Unfortunately, I often have recurring nightmares/dreams where I work through my struggle to retaliate by acting out in giving back to her all the physical abuse she made me endure. And it did however take me a long time to see her BPD was not normal, typical, loving mother behavior. It took me a couple years to get the guts to turn my sister in to CPS for her displaying the same patterns towards my still very young nieces. No one stood up for us growing up no matter how many times I wish someone would have saved us and despite how many times I tried to run away starting from the age of 3. And yes, I am the bad guy for standing up for my nieces and god forbid uttering the words “child abuse” out loud. I will forever be the black sheep despite the obvious fact that my brave, strong nieces will grow up into adults someday and demand from their their mom and dad why they left them alone with their spiteful, hateful, BPD grandmother despite their repeated protests. It’s very sad and frustrating to see in real life the villain prevails.

  4. CMJ

    April 11, 2013 at 12:03 pm

    My husband is going through this now so while I can’t completely understand what you’re going through, I do not think you are cold and I’m sure you have tried everything. Sometimes everything just isn’t enough.

    My husband always had a complicated relationship with his mother…the final straw for him was our wedding. After our wedding – which my MIL tried (?…we could never tell if it was on purpose), unsuccessfully, to ruin – my husband vowed he would never speak to his mother again…and he hasn’t. I don’t think “disowned” has been uttered by my husband but I know it’s a challenge for him every day to get through his feelings of grief, confusion, and sadness.

    • alice

      April 11, 2013 at 2:12 pm

      what did she do at the wedding? sorry for the tangent! it just reminded me so much of my MIL at my first wedding. struck a chord.

    • CMJ

      April 11, 2013 at 7:10 pm

      I try not to talk too much shit – even mostly anonymously in comment sections. It wasn’t just the actual wedding day (I will say, she missed the actual ceremony) it was the entire wedding weekend. It was so hard…we were prepared for the worst and it was even worse than we could have imagined.

  5. Lilac

    April 11, 2013 at 12:44 pm

    What I don’t understand is why you would even ask these people to watch your kids when you were sick? A hired sitter would have been better.

    • once upon a time

      April 12, 2013 at 12:48 am

      I AM SO SICK OF PEOPLE SAYING JUST GET A SITTER!

      Sorry Lilac, you’re the straw that broke the camel’s back so you’re copping the brunt of my rage. I don’t know where all these people who throw out, “Uh, there’s this thing called a baby sitter you know? Duh!” are from but it’s obviously not my city. Here, a good baby sitter charges almost the same hourly wage that I make and needs to be booked months in advance, and an affordable baby sitter is my partner’s friend’s daughter who has already been busted smoking pot and having sex with her boyfriend while baby sitting other friend’s children.

      Times that by however long the OP was receiving treatment and you can see why she resorted to asking her parents.

  6. psykins

    April 11, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    I’m *still* struggling with trying to finally cut ties four years after my parents disowned me at age 19, for having (responsible, legal, monogamous) sex and refusing to apologize, and for not wanting to live with them anymore. Immediately after disowning me my mother kept trying to “get me back” – calling at all hours of the night and day, constantly sending nasty/hurtful/whining e-mails and just basically being a mega bitch. When I stopped responding (because I didn’t want to *also* be a bitch, and bitchy things were the only things I wanted to say) she accused me of hating her, cutting them off, being cold/unfeeling. This, despite my father not talking to his OWN dad for over a decade (oh, but that was “different”). I used to be scared that I’d run in to them at local stores, that I’d find another voice mail or e-mail or text. Since I moved a thousand miles away, my anxiety level has decreased, but it still ruins my day to get an e-mail from them.

    In my case, I have younger siblings (one killed himself shortly after I left home – but *my* depression and suicidal tendencies were all imagined, of course). One is still a minor, and the other is very much within the family fold (lives at home, goes to school 20 min away). The worst part about not talking to my parents is also pretending my younger siblings don’t exist, because otherwise it’s just so painful.

    There’s nothing mentally “wrong” with them, per se, although I do think my mother has a serious victim complex/paranoia problem – she thinks EVERY negative interaction with someone is about them screwing her over. Their biggest problem was that, although they were good parents when I was young, they just COULD NOT deal with me growing up, becoming more independent, and having ideas (particularly about religion) that are different from theirs.

    • anon

      April 14, 2013 at 1:51 pm

      What I do is filter the emails so hers automatically go in another folder. This way they won’t “ambush” me. I read them when I can deal with them. You can also have someone else look at them for you and decide if they should be responded to.

    • psykins

      April 15, 2013 at 6:47 am

      Thanks, I have done the filter, and I used to have my partner read them before I did. The problem is when she changes e-mail addresses, or decides to text instead of e-mail, or my dad randomly decides to write

    • NeuroNerd

      April 15, 2013 at 12:59 am

      I don’t know your specific situation, but it sounds similar to a blogger that I follow. I would suggest checking out the Love, Joy, Feminism blog when you have some time.

    • psykins

      April 15, 2013 at 6:47 am

      Thanks! Will do

    • madrigorne

      April 16, 2013 at 6:40 am

      I have a hug for you, its not much help – but over the internet its the best I can do.

    • psykins

      April 22, 2013 at 11:33 am

      Thank you 🙂 I appreciate it

    • psykins

      April 22, 2013 at 11:33 am

      I just wanted to thank you for sharing LJF with me. I have really enjoyed reading Libby Anne’s story and, although there are some differences in our experiences, there are also many similarities. Thank you for recommending it!

    • chomps

      May 24, 2013 at 10:23 am

      My MIL has both (undiagnosed) Narcissistic and Paranoid PDs and your parents sound a lot like her. I can’t find the criteria online anymore since the DSM was recently updated, but she hit every mark, and my husband’s therapist told him she can’t diagnose someone who isn’t a patient, but she basically said as much in so many words. There are many blogs that are about coping with cutting these toxic people out of your life.

  7. Tea

    April 11, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    My mother is mentally ill as well, and I wish I had your strength. She goes silent for months because I have done something to ruin her life, then she comes back and acts like everything is great, and she’s fine for a while. She has what is likely either BPD or Bipolar disorder, and was on hardcore seizure meds for years to treat headaches, which made her even more volatile.

    I finally had to come to terms with the fact that she will never be pleased with me, and that I’m always a threat to her. I graduated college in the top 4 of my class, she suddenly enrolled in an excellerated online non-accredited masters and bachelors program because she “Needed a degree” two weeks after I graduated. She alternates wildly between being the PFLAG crusader, and guilt-tripping me that she will never be a successful and accepted minister (Her field of choice, HELP.) because her son is gay. She broke my wrist when I was little, and a few fingers. I didn’t even know this wasn’t normal until I told my boyfriend she dislocated my thumb one night, and I couldn’t fathom why he was suddenly terrified for my safety, because it didn’t feel like a big deal. Every achievement I make somehow has a bad side, or is less than what she does, and she goes berserk when I point out any flaws in her logic, or anything she does wrong. I’m still trying to bail out of this, but every time, I’m still tempted back by when it seems like she’s changed.

    Seriously, good for you for getting out of a toxic setting, it will be the best for you and your kids in the long run.

    • Alex

      August 4, 2013 at 12:32 am

      My life has been SOOOO much better since I got away. There was never any other option after I had a taste of what sanity and normalcy was like. Tea, please cut her loose for your own happiness.

  8. AS

    April 11, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    We are going through this same thing with my MIL. It isn’t borderline personality, but it is something. Probably closer to bipolar, possible with some borderline mixed in. Undiagnosed and untreated (this woman needs medication and a good doctor, there are a variety of issues). She can be sweet and loving, but it all has to be on her terms and what she views as loving can also be very selfish. When she decides she has been slighted somehow (usually made-up in her head) she can be very irrational and mean. Right now we haven’t seen them in several months. I finally set my foot down (it is amazing what you can do when you become a mother and not only have to think of your husband’s hurt feelings but your child’s feelings as well)…..we will not have a relationship until we receive an apology for the most recent blow-up. Of course, because she is still in the middle of her tantrum, we haven’t heard from them, but I know, as history has shown, she’ll be all ready to be “family” again like nothing has happened in another few months. That is just not going to fly. The only way I can have any faith that she might improve is if she can recognize that she has done wrong and more likely than not, this will not happen. I’m afraid my husband is going to want to give in, but I will not subject my daughter to that behavior if she can’t promise that she will try not to do it again. If we do get an apology and anything remotely like last time occurs, that will be it.

    • chomps

      May 24, 2013 at 10:06 am

      You should check out the differences between Borderline and Narcissism, because they can appear to be very similar, depending on the person.

  9. Amanda

    April 11, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    As a suffere of BPD, this is further discouraging me to have children. I really want children so badly, but from all I’ve heard, it’s just not a good idea.

    • Sara

      April 11, 2013 at 3:30 pm

      Amanda, if you are aware of your BPD, you are miles ahead of many others who suffer with the illness. Unfortunately, many people go without treatment or awareness of their illness – particularly because it is often misdiagnosed and unhelpful and even harmful medications are tossed at it. However, I am always hesitant when I read stories about people who diagnose their own family members or friends. Borderline Personality Disorder should only be diagnosed by a medical professional. Part of the stigma attached to the condition is because of people calling family members or friends “BPD” when the person is simply difficult to deal with, manipulative, or suffers from another condition. I was personally diagnosed with BPD in my late 20s. There is a lot of misconception around the condition – one of which is that it is “untreatable” because there isn’t a fix-all medication. People can live a productive life (with children) if they have BPD, as long as they are willing to take ownership of their condition, seek therapy, and realize the emotional and mental limitations it imposes. Also, many people’s symptoms dissipate as they grow older. Mine did – lots of therapy helped. I recently had my first child and while I have the same doubts all parents have about being a good parent, I don’t feel I will be any less of a parent because of BPD.

    • Survivor

      April 11, 2013 at 4:04 pm

      I agree with you that Amanda is light years ahead of many others – as she has been diagnosed and is seeking treatment. The first step to healing is recognizing there is a problem. I don’t know Amanda so I can’t say whether or not it would be a good idea to have a child – but I would say that if you are aware of your weaknesses, are seeking help to improve, and have a good support network around you, then there is no reason not to have a family.

      But Sara, please don’t make it sound like BPD isn’t that bad. There are many varying degrees of Borderline Personality Disorder and to state that for many, symptoms go away or subside with time, makes it sound like it is a cold that will eventually get better. I congratulate you on seeking help and treatment, and that you have found relief and are living a stable life. However, every person’s situation is different. It takes years of therapy to treat BPD and while it can lead to a better life for some, many people will never even be diagnosed because they don’t think they have a problem – they think everyone else has the problem. My mother was officially diagnosed only after being forced into therapy and a locked treatment facility as a result of suicide threats. Finding out she has BPD helped me to understand her better, but it doesn’t change the fact that I was emotionally abused by her my entire life, nor does it take away the scar that I will always carry.

    • Sara

      April 11, 2013 at 5:27 pm

      Survivor – you obviously went through a difficult time in life and your mother’s untreated medical condition obviously impacted you greatly.

      It was not my intention for anyone to take away that I was insinuating BPD is like a “cold”. But long-term studies do indicate that the disease has a natural progression of lessening symptoms, and even with limited treatment, the outward and most chaotic symptoms of the disease lessen over time. For reference, I would suggest the book “A Developmental Model of Borderline Personality Disorder: Understanding Variations in Course and Outcome”.

      While I also don’t intend to lessen anyone’s childhood experiences with parents who suffered from BPD, I do wish in general there was more empathy towards those with BPD. BPD is one of the few illnesses in which the family and friends of the sufferer are viewed as the victims as opposed to the sufferers themselves. One of the most common symptoms of BPD is lack of an emotional “skin”, often compared to an emotional burn victim. Many of the other symptoms – suicide attempts, alcohol and drug abuse, emotional issues, lashing out at family and friends – are the sufferer’s attempts to deal with that lack of emotional skin.

    • jessica

      April 11, 2013 at 6:07 pm

      I know. I get what you’re trying to get across. And I appreciate fully that you have a lot of empathy for both the BPD person and those around them. I just want to explain that I do try really, really hard to empathize with my BPD mother and help her but it is just so hard to because she is capable of such cruelty and completely lacking in self awareness. And worst of all, at least with my mother, nothing ever changes. Despite decades of intensive treatment there has been no lessening of her symptoms. Rather, things have gotten worse. Try to understand that as much as I, and others like me, are aware that our person with BPD is suffering and that is why she or he acts this way and does what he or she does (and even more importantly, that he or she can’t control these behaviors), it gets to a point where you really can’t be there for them or even concerned for their feelings because they are just too destructive and hurtful to you. This may sound overly dramatic but it feels like it has become a choice between my own survival and hers for me. If I don’t separate myself, I’ll never ever have a chance to be happy and have my own life because she literally demands every second of my time and every ounce of my energy and if she doesn’t get it then she goes on a rampage against me, often including physical violence or other inappropriate behaviors such as calling my boss 15-50 times a day trying to get me fired from my job. The whole situation gradually becomes too much for a lot of people.

    • Survivor

      April 11, 2013 at 8:45 pm

      You hit the nail on the head Jessica.

      Sara – I have plenty of empathy for my mother. I would love it if she would get the help that she needs, but she doesn’t want it. She is still in counseling, but only because it is mandated and because she can’t understand why I won’t have anything to do with her. Not because she is trying to get better. I understand that she herself was abused as a child, and that she is suffering. I spent 27 years of my life trying to “fix” her – to help her, be there for her. But at some point, I had to choose between living my life or taking care of my mother – which included continual abuse. It wasn’t an easy decision and it took many therapy sessions to understand that my safety, health and well-being were important.

      I get that she is a victim, that she doesn’t know how to handle her emotions, etc. She is also really good at playing the part of a victim. But don’t you dare try to make it seem like the family of the BPD sufferer is not a victim as well – because we are. You recognized a problem and sought help – and I congratulate you on that. But I had a problem and sought help too. 27 years of emotional abuse is not okay. I don’t care if it is because my mother has a mental disorder – it doesn’t change the fact that I was abused. A mental disorder does not excuse abuse – end of story.

    • Madrigorne

      April 16, 2013 at 6:35 am

      I agree your mom needs help. I also agree you are not the one who can help her. You will get mightily hurt. Get out of harms way, and be kind to yourself love.

    • guest

      July 5, 2013 at 2:49 pm

      Survivor, I have BPD and am well into recovery. I am sorry what Sara said hurt you. When you are discussing child abuse no-one should be telling people to empathize with the abuser. No child, or adult child, should have to sympathize with a parent, no matter what the diagnosis. ALL children of abuse are victims, including children of people with BPD.

      BPD is a complex disorder, a mix of trauma, environment and genetics. But people with BPD are a 100% responsible for the abuse they inflict on their kids. Everyone is. Having BPD is not an excuse for abusing your children .

      I have been lucky enough to get excellent therapy and have educated myself, done a lot of self-therapy and learned coping mechanisms. But I will never have my own children because I cannot take the chance that I will abuse my children and pass on BPD. Both my parents have NPD, they are responsible for what they did to me. They were also abused as kids, but chose to become abusers. Just like parents with BPD do. We are all responsible for how we treat innocent children in our care.
      I would advise anyone with a parent with BPD to keep a safe distance and take time to heal.

    • Kat

      April 13, 2013 at 11:13 pm

      Sorry for the useless comment, but holy crap this sounds like my mother, and I agree completely.

    • shandy

      October 5, 2013 at 10:24 am

      Hi I wondered if you wanted to chat to me I read this and it is v similar to my experiences

    • anon

      April 14, 2013 at 1:42 pm

      I have a mother with symptoms and behaviors of both BPD and what was formerly known as NPD. One one support board, I heard someone make an excellent analogy to the burn victim comparison. We have sympathy for burn victims until they show up at your home trying to douse you in gasoline and are holding matches.

      And if these parents are so ill they have no control or choice in abusing their children, then perhaps they should be in a psychiatric hospital or other controlled setting.

    • Nirvana

      May 4, 2013 at 1:10 am

      I agree …my BPD, histrionic, narcissistic momster had no control and had no business having children. She is a pox on society, mean spirited, cruel vengeful….I lost my sympathy for her and others like her.
      She should have been and should be at this point hospitalized ..when my father dies I don’t think anyone will take her in…she has alienated everyone

    • Spiderpigmom

      April 11, 2013 at 10:22 pm

      Hm, the author says: “the problem with having borderline personality disorder is that you can’t recognize that you have it”. So if what the author says is true, you actually don’t have BPD since you recognize you have it /sarcasm.

      Seriously, I understand where the author is coming from, but generalizing that much is meaningless. The prevalence of BPD is around 5 percent of the general population — that’s a LOT of people — and since you only have to present 5 symptoms out of 9, it’s also very diverse in what it entails. You can’t demonize that many people just because they share the same diagnosis. If you’re aware you have a problem and you’re getting help, you’re on the right track.

    • faifai

      April 12, 2013 at 10:08 am

      Just wanted to say that quite a few articles out there state that a lot of BPD sufferers lose their symptoms as they get older. (http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis/p20-pe05.html, http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder/, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder#Prognosis) You might just want to wait a few years and see if your symptoms are getting better.

    • anon

      April 14, 2013 at 1:46 pm

      Having dealt with a personality disordered parent, they don’t get better, just more subtle with the abuse. Many folks on support forums have experienced the same.

    • anon

      April 14, 2013 at 1:48 pm

      I kept trying for years because of all of the well meaning people who made excuses for her. That did a lot of damage to me which I’m now working on in therapy.

    • faifai

      April 15, 2013 at 8:30 am

      Everyone’s situations are different. People are different. People’s brains are different. Just telling a woman w/ BPD who wants to have kids that she might want to hold off a bit. Don’t think I’m a bad guy for saying “wait”! *shrug*

    • Jaxlegaleagle

      August 9, 2013 at 2:45 pm

      My father has actually gotten much, much worse with age…fun.

    • Katherine Handcock

      April 30, 2013 at 1:15 pm

      Amanda, only you can decide if having children is right for you — possibly with help from your doctor and family members, if their advice IS helpful to you — but the very fact that you are debating it gives you better odds than BPD sufferer who refuses to acknowledge their situation. If, in the end, you decide that having children is not the right choice, please know that there are lots of ways to be important in children’s lives without being a parent. I know several people who love children but don’t feel like parenting is the right decision for them who have “adopted” the children of friends and family — they can participate in much of each child’s life, but bow out and return home to quiet when they can feel their emotional situation becoming too intense.

  10. AnnH

    April 11, 2013 at 4:38 pm

    I don’t know if any of my parents had BPD, but as an abused child, the question to disown them has been a recurring one for me (although it’s my mother who first gave me the idea to disown my father ; without her suggesting it in the first place, I probably still would come back to them. It’s funny because she never realized I had reasons to disown her too, talk about dysfunctional…). It’s something that took more or less ten years too, but eventually it was so worth it. The last conversation, when I announced them my decision, was the worst, including but not limited to emotional blackmail and threats of physical violence. I finally left, I spent the next few hours crying, but since then, I have never felt better. The relief is huge and I never looked back since. The main issue for me was to decide what I would do with my sister, because she is very close and loyal to them ; in that, Anonymous Mom was lucky enough that her siblings are on the same page.

  11. Kelly

    April 11, 2013 at 4:48 pm

    Even if your parents were alcoholics, you still wouldn’t get much support. My mother is an alcoholic who regularly has temper tantrums where she throws herself on the floor, pulls her own hair and digs garbage out of the trash can to throw it at me while screaming obscenities. The last disagreement that triggered her rage was her claiming that Bruce Campbell (the actor) had just murdered his entire family with an axe and I laughed and said, “no, he didn’t.”

    My father is a drug addict who has murdered animals in front of me and beat me with their corpses (puppies and kittens). He has also held me and my siblings at gun point and threatened to murder us. Once because a stray cat was outside making noise and we couldn’t magically make it stop.

    People have still told me I’m a horrible person for cutting them off. Too many people in our society seem to think parents own their children, even as adults, and can therefore do anything and everything they want to them. It is insane and unacceptable.

    • Kat

      April 13, 2013 at 7:14 pm

      It’s the whole they-raised-you argument, which I don’t find to be an argument at all. If we’d had more power to refuse their “help” when we were younger, we would’ve.

    • Jane

      February 28, 2014 at 1:09 pm

      I completely agree.
      But now thanks to graparents rights groups they have the authority to force themselves on your children, destroying thier child hoods as well.
      Be ware the wrath of the Grandparents Rights Association.

    • Sadierose Dobson

      March 5, 2014 at 4:40 am

      My grandparents on both sides were looney tunes…where do you think parents get their bad acts from. I finally “divorced” my remaining family, mother and siblings (father is deceased) about a year and a half ago (at the age of 59…don’t wait that long). I don’t think they have noticed since it’s been a one way relationship on my part for decades.

    • Danii

      June 12, 2013 at 1:41 pm

      Wow, Kelly. My heart really goes out to you. I am so impressed with your strength to get through that xx

    • Alex

      August 4, 2013 at 12:29 am

      OMG, Kelly. That is terrible. You would be crazy to let those people in your life for one more second. They are despicable. Run away and don’t look back.

    • M

      January 17, 2014 at 6:03 am

      Many times, substance abusers are self-medicating to deal with an underlying emotional illness or personality disorder. For years I though my mother’s violent, cruel behaviors were a result of her alcoholism (that “it was the liquor talking”). She finally stopped drinking completely when I was 17 and though her stumbling, vomiting and passing out went away, her particular brand of “Crazy” stayed.

      What is really insane is that Society turns a blind eye to mental illness when it is couched in the sanctimonious guise of “Motherhood” (or “Fatherhood”).

      We aren’t horrible people for asserting our right as adults to choose what we could not choose as children–a safe, emotionally and physically healthy, environment in which to live.

  12. Eryn

    April 11, 2013 at 5:15 pm

    Look, the greatest part of being an adult is realizing that WE define our families. Family doesn’t mean “blood” to me. Family means the people who are there for us, lift us up, walk this journey through life with us.

    You’re an adult, you get to decide what comes “into” your house. Your kids don’t deserve to have a stressed out, anxious, hurt mama & if being the best mama & wife you can be means putting yourself (& your kids) first & taking your parents out of the equation, then that’s okay. If some day you want to look at the relationship again, that’s also okay.

    No guilt over this. We do what we have to do in life. And as a mother, I feel like growing a relationship w/my kids that they’ll want to continue into their adulthood is largely my responsibility. Stay strong.

    • Nicole

      April 16, 2013 at 2:56 pm

      Eryn,

      This hit home so hard for me. Thank you. We are dealing with some insanity from my husband’s family and this is exactly what we need to remember going forward.

    • Nirvana

      June 20, 2013 at 9:33 pm

      Sometimes it leaves you so broken you really can’t define your own family. I became a shell that oes through the motions. I’m lucky my kids turn out ok in spite of me

    • Jane

      February 28, 2014 at 10:43 am

      Unfortunately you do not get to decide who comes into your life an who does not.
      The Grand Parents Rights Association can help your parents obtain court ordered contact with you children, thereby forcing your parents back into your life in a big way.
      Beware the wrath of the Grandparents Rights Association.

  13. faifai

    April 11, 2013 at 6:26 pm

    *hugs*
    my mother also had borderline personality disorder. i’ve never been able to actually attach to anyone–every single person in my life, from my brothers to my husband, i could just walk away from, tomorrow, if i had to–and i can’t trust anyone, and these are the things they do to us. and the only way i could actually love my mother, actually stand to hear her voice, was by living hundreds of miles away. this way, when i couldn’t stand to hear her voice anymore, i could just hang up the phone, or turn off the computer. i know she was mentally ill, i know she did the best she could with what she had, and i don’t hate her. not anymore.
    but you know, everyone handles things differently. everyone’s a different person. and if you have to cut her, and her enabler, out of your life completely, then you do that. if you need to go to therapy and need to keep talking about it, then you do that too.
    just remember this, ok? everyone has scars. everyone. it’s up to YOU to decide how long you want to carry those scars.

    • Nirvana

      May 4, 2013 at 1:01 am

      I am the same way..I even built a wall between me and my kids. I am a few steps detached from just about everyone in my life. I don’t think I could ever let my guard down enough to bond with anyone.
      I don’t hate mother dearest anymore but I do dislike her completely

    • SOCIOPATHS

      July 18, 2013 at 12:06 pm

      your a sociopath and inherited through pre disposed genes and bad childhood… the other clown nirvana who posted below is also a sociopath haha, your even more disturbed and disordered then people with BPD

    • faifai

      July 18, 2013 at 12:13 pm

      *you’re

    • Jimbo

      March 23, 2014 at 6:58 pm

      You’re a piece of crap.

  14. SadPants

    April 11, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    Lets get this straight. You describe your parents as so terribly damaging, but your final straw was them not watching your kids? If you wanted to subject your kids to them, it sounds like the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree.

    • CMJ

      April 11, 2013 at 7:05 pm

      The worst part through all of this is most of the time (with my husband anyway), you still LOVE those people. And that’s why it is so hard and hurtful. You keep thinking it will be different, the next visit will be better, and the next time they’ll change (Because they have to, right? They are your parents!)…but they don’t. It’s kind of hard to knock someone for the straw that broke the relationship’s back. It’s different for everyone.

      I can’t speak for the author but even after everything my MIL has done my husband still loves her and worries about her and thinks about her…he just had to cut her out of his life for his health. Does the reason he did it meet everyone’s approval? Probably not. Might you think it trivial? Maybe. But it’s ultimately his decision and, trust me, he’s not happy about it either.

    • Kelly

      April 11, 2013 at 7:23 pm

      I don’t think you realize how much pressure there is in our society on adult survivors of child abuse to give their abusers access to their children. I have mental health professionals sympathetically listen to stories of my parents’ physically and emotionally abusive acts and then tell me I have no right to deny my child a relationship with his grandparents.

      Abused children don’t just hit 18 and magically become healthy adults who make great decisions. We were raised in a dysfunctional world, that was our normal. So we’re raised to think the abuse is normal, then when we do realize it was wrong, our society tells us to shut up, get the f*ck over it and honor your parents and let them have access to their grandchildren.

    • Victoria

      April 13, 2013 at 2:56 am

      Dear Prudence did this article about how adult survivors of child abuse are pressured by their families, partners and guilty consciences to “forgive” their parents. Of course, if they do this, they have to give their parents access to grandchildren, open themselves up for more abuse, etc. When I got pregnant, my mom (undiagnosed either BPD or some mix of mental illness) tried so hard, so long to get back into my life. No one (outside of these comments, apparently) realizes it’s about survival. Anyway, I thought the article was kind of related, so I’ll link to it.

      http://www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2013/02/abusive_parents_what_do_grown_children_owe_the_mothers_and_fathers_who_made.html

    • willow33

      September 21, 2013 at 9:09 am

      Victoria, I just want to clarify that forgiving your parents or anyone else does NOT mean that you have to let them back into your life. Forgiveness is cancelling the debt and setting yourself free. I haven’t seen my family for two years and know that letting them back into my life would be disastrous, but I made the largest stride in my healing process when I forgave them. Forgiving them was soooooo hard and it took me a long time to get there. It’s just a choice. Forgiving them allowed me to gain perspective and be kinder and more forgiving to myself. Forgiveness has such a bad wrap because there’s the misconception that if you do it, you’ll have to throw yourself back into the lions den. Believing that lie is the reason it took me so long to forgive. That’s not true, forgiveness is a show of strength. It didn’t take away all the pain of everything that happened, but it was the one thing that really helped lessen my ties with past pain.

  15. zeisel

    April 11, 2013 at 6:40 pm

    You’re a very strong person and many go through similar situations. I don’t know if my husband’s family all have a borderline personality disorder, but something is very off. The drama that is dealt with at every gathering is felt but in a very passive/aggressive way. His sisters (in their 40’s) take turns being the unhappy, selfish, childish adults and his parents seem to be unemotional for the big things in life that you would congratulate someone on. No one will admit or discuss any concerns with anyone’s behavior, but perhaps my husband and I’s behavior in trying to distance ourselves. When we lived 900 miles away it felt good and now that we’re just a drive away- our life seems to have taken on their negativity and I feel the cut off would be great. How can one do that to family is what you can ask of yourself, because you’re suppose to have this unconditional love for them, but when is enough, enough??

  16. Bpd survivor

    April 11, 2013 at 7:11 pm

    This could have been written by me. I made the decision yesterday to cut my bpd mom out of my life. Good for you for doing what you have to do. No judgment here.

    • HungryDub

      July 23, 2013 at 1:35 pm

      I’m in the same boat and currently deciding whether to do the same as you. I’m an only child in a a big family raised by my mother who I’m certain from my own therapy is a borderline witch, with no love in her. No one else knows the truth about her and there is no point trying to explain to them.
      Well done you

  17. Cliff

    April 11, 2013 at 7:14 pm

    A good friend of mine was asked recently why she didn’t speak to her mother.

    ” She’s a psychopath.” She explained.

    Of course this resulted in a titter of amusement and a rolling of eyes ” Oh I know my mom is a total pain in the ass too.”

    ” No seriously she’s a diagnosed psychopath. She tried to kill me twice.”

    I don’t think people who haven’t experienced it really get that these people do exist and are capable of horrible things.

    • Kelly

      April 11, 2013 at 7:28 pm

      That’s the same reaction I get when I tell people I was abused. They laugh and roll their eyes at me because for some bizarre reason they think I actually mean that I had a curfew or didn’t get a nintendo the year it came out.
      That’s why I just tell people they’re dead now.

    • Erika Meyer

      April 11, 2013 at 7:50 pm

      it sucks that when you’ve been physically, emotionally, and/or psychologically abused, and dare to say so out loud, people don’t want to hear it so bad, YOU turn into the bad guy for opening your mouth. Insult upon injury. Unfortunately abusers as well as BPD/NPD sufferers are often very charming and can make you seem like the ‘crazy’ one.

    • Lisa

      April 12, 2013 at 12:12 am

      I finally told my uncle that my mother used to hit me when I was a child. She was a bipolar alcoholic rage-addict who would throw screaming fits on a regular basis, and occasionally escalate into slapping, punching or kicking me.

      When I told my uncle, his response was “Well, I think if you look back and you’re honest with yourself, maybe you did something to provoke it.”

      Yeah, no, f**k you, Uncle. There is nothing an eight-year-old can do that justifies them being repeatedly slapped in the face or shoved onto the floor and kicked by an adult.

      You’re completely right, Erika, Kelly and Cliff. If you haven’t been through it, or you’re not really close to someone who’s been through it, you just don’t get it.

    • dan

      May 11, 2013 at 2:19 am

      haha lisa i am laughing at your uncle’s response that is just too crazy. i know what it is like i told my friend i have this serious problem i am in a relationship with a bpd so he says “okay dan, what you need to do is sit down and have a serious talk with her about how you feel.”

      people who haven’t been involved with a bpd just don’t understand.

    • Sarah

      January 14, 2014 at 7:29 am

      This past August I finally told my Aunt about the abuse my father did to me when I was younger. 30 years I have kept it from family. The response, I have a mental disorder, I am sick, I need to be committed for making up such horrible lies, ect. My parents have been in denial for years. They like to live in this fantasy life where their family is perfect and if someone or something tried to prove them wrong or mess up their life then they are sick and need help. My parents will deny the abuse until the day they die because of their delusional ways of thinking. It makes me sick when children are abused and nothing is done. It makes me sick to have parents who continue to deny their abuse and who now have just recently kidnapped my daughter claiming that my lies are a sign of my mental illness and me not being mentally well enough to take care of my daughter.
      People will believe what they want. I didn’t expect my Aunt to believe me, because my parents are very good at playing this perfect family role. But to then be accused of being mentally unstable and mentally unfit to care for my own child…..I don’t think that pain will ever go away.

    • MomInWA

      August 16, 2013 at 12:37 am

      Yeah! I got turned into the bad guy for opening my mouth too! I “shamed the family name” and “embarrassed them”. Me, for talking about it, but not her for what she did!

    • Della

      September 3, 2013 at 1:24 pm

      On the charming issue, absolutely. A clerk recently started telling me about this bubbly, vivacious, SWEEEET older woman she thought must be my mother. On her description, I said, “Oh, no, that’s not my mother.” Then she said the name. I was shocked, said, “Oh. It is.” She and I were BOTH embarrassed. But I figure if my mother had ever treated me with such bubbly, vivacious, sweetness, the incident would never have occurred.

    • Nirvana

      May 4, 2013 at 12:42 am

      Mine chased me with a knife in front of one of my friends. This woman 40 later still brings up the knife incident. I know what you mean, Cliff. My mother is a mentally ill psychopath. A typical borderline she was o charming so most people thought he was wonderful…she is far from it

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  18. once upon a time

    April 12, 2013 at 12:19 am

    Oh honey. My grandmother had borderline personality disorder and you sound exactly like my mother. I can’t make my mother believe me, but hopefully you might.

    My mother disowned my grandmother when I was fourteen. As far as I was concerned, it was fourteen years too late. My grandmother was awful. And I was the only grandchild that she actually liked (much like, from the sounds of it, your daughter), so I can’t imagine what it was like for anyone she didn’t like.

    Mum said the same things that you’ve said after she disowned her, “How can I deny my children grandparents, I’m a mother now and I’d feel awful if you kids did the same thing to me.” I don’t want to trivialise your feelings, but it’s utter bullshit. For your children and for yourself, this is the right thing to do. It’s the *only* right thing to do.

    My mother and her brothers and sisters also worried about inheriting these traits but not a single one of them has shown any signs of it. I have absolutely no medical or scientific qualifications or research to back me up but I do wonder if awareness of the possibility of developing borderline personality disorder offers some type of prevention?

  19. PiperPixieDesigns

    April 12, 2013 at 12:37 am

    That’s rough, dude. I kinda get where you’re coming from though. It’s easy for people to judge when they haven’t experienced BPD first hand.

  20. Been There

    April 12, 2013 at 1:15 am

    I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. My mother is also mentally ill. She actually “disowned” me just a few weeks ago. In a few months she’ll call me crying and apologizing for everything she’s put me through. It doesn’t matter because I stopped having a mom a long time ago. Even when we’re getting along I don’t get my hopes up that things will stay that way because she always ends up doing or saying something awful. It doesn’t even hurt me anymore. I’ve learned to appreciate the good times and just walk away during the bad times.

    • jessica

      April 12, 2013 at 10:00 pm

      That, for me, is the hardest part so I congratulate you on being able to deal with all of that. I personally can take it much better if someone is constantly mean. It is the alternating periods of sweetness and meanness that hurts me so much. I realize that since this is the case I probably should just take a huge step back from the relationship with my mother but at this point in time I’m not ready for that. I guess I still hope that something can change though realistically I realize how ridiculous it is to think that after almost 40 years all of a sudden there will be some kind of miracle 180.

    • Been There

      April 18, 2013 at 11:26 pm

      I understand, my siblings are like that with our mother. They’re still holding out hope that maybe this time our “real” mom is here to stay, or that maybe THIS time she isn’t lying.

      I’m not a lovey-dovey person, possibly because I was raised by a mentally ill woman who did nothing but criticize and abandon me. This makes it very easy for me to simply “turn off” any feelings for my mother when she’s trying to emotionally abuse me. I’ve been able to do it since I was a teenager. If she’s happy, I’m happy. If she’s angry, I’m out the door and she won’t see me again until she’s in a better mood. That’s what works for me and it doesn’t cause any pain on my end.

      But if the back and forth is painful for you, I would recommend you avoid it all together.

  21. helllllll no

    April 12, 2013 at 3:22 am

    A related word of caution for people who are thinking about giving their crazy parents access to the grandkids. My mom is bad. Really, really bad. My siblings and I cut her out of our lives as fast as we could, although she remained lurking somewhere in the shadows. She loves babies and toddlers more than anything, so when we started to have kids, she butted back into our lives all sunshine and rainbows. She will do literally anything to get access to babies and toddlers (not in a creepy way, it’s more like a crazy cat lady but instead a crazy baby lady…if that makes sense). Anyhow, I was like ‘hellllllllll no’ and wouldn’t even let her see my kids. My sister, however, bought into her game and even let my mom babysit the kids regularly. Well, lo and behold about a year into this arrangement my mom reported my sister to CPS on utterly bogus charges, and tried to get custody of the kids for herself. Fortunately the child welfare workers saw though this and didn’t take my sisters kids, and in fact BANNED her from allowing my mom to watch them! My sister can be naive so I was really happy about this banishment, since it ensured my sister’s kids would never be in the hands of our whacko mom again. My mom’s next move was to sue my sister for “grandparent’s rights”. It’s not like my mom ever abused the kids or was mean to my sister directly durring this time, but never the less she’s made quite the mess for my sister to deal with. A record with CPS and a visitation lawsuit are unpleasant to say the least. Even if your psycho parents won’t abuse your kids or harass you as an adult, they can still find ways to totally screw with your life…so think hard about the possible consequences vs the “pros” of having a grandparent in the kid’s life. Save yourself the trouble and “adopt” a senior from the old folks home for your kid to bond with, which is what we have done. Most cities have a program to connect families and seniors, or try contacting a church or nursing home.

    • AP

      April 12, 2013 at 3:51 pm

      It’s also not harmful for kids to have no grandparents. Three of mine died before my third birthday, the fourth was an utterly angry, undiagnosed mentally ill grouch. My mom grew up in a large extended family and lived with her loving grandparents for a long time, and so it was a HUGE sore point for her that we went alone to Grandparents’ Day at school, or had no one to make Grandma and Grandpa cards for in art, or no Grandma to interview for a class project. She’d go as far as to complain to the teacher that these projects were unfair and exclusionary to kids without grandparents.

      I didn’t really…care. Nor did my sister. It was just a fact of life for us that we didn’t have grandparents. We didn’t feel left out, or like we were missing out. It was just how our life was, and we were happy with our families as they were.

    • chomps

      May 24, 2013 at 8:45 am

      This! We luckily discovered my MIL has both narcissistic and paranoid personality disorders (undiagnosed of course) before we even started trying to conceive a child. My husband knew that I wasn’t going to allow any child of mine to be a part of the cycle of the physical, emotional and psychological abuse that his father sat by and let happen to him, plus I was scared that she would try to pull a stunt like this. I cut them out of our lives after my first trimester with my first pregnancy, and he went to therapy for a few months after the birth to help finalize the process for him. He has now declared that this is the happiest he’s ever been, which is amazing considering our daughter is now a year old.

      We maintain good relationships with most of his extended family, so our kids will have lots of great-aunts and uncles to make up any difference that might be felt. Kids aren’t born knowing what they are missing, good or bad, unless they’re told. Our plan for when discussion leads to their disowned grandparents is to say that they are very sick and we don’t see them because we don’t want them [our kids] to get sick too. This is all technically true, but allows the kids to fill in their own assumptions while still maintaining good relationships with the other relatives.

    • Lola

      December 14, 2013 at 4:49 pm

      Wow. My psycho mother who lashed out at me with vengeance and hate when I hit puberty, is also a “crazy baby lady”. She likes infants because she can have total power over them and they don’t have a much of a mind of their own yet. I always thought it was creepy as helll. It’s interesting that someone else has noticed this too in their psycho mother.

    • Albert8184

      December 14, 2013 at 5:59 pm

      Yep. You have to be tough. My mother has never even met my children. And one is grown and the other almost. I wouldn’t let my kids within 1000 miles of her, literally. She’s dangerous.

  22. Melissa T

    April 12, 2013 at 4:39 am

    I wish I could hug you. Bravo for being brave.

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  24. Mora

    April 12, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    My ex-husband has Schizotypal Disorder, and people thought I was terrible for divorcing him over it. Don’t get me wrong, I loved him, and I tried my best with him for years, but in the end he wouldn’t take his medication and decided he liked his delusional self better than his ‘normal’ self. After he threatened me repeatedly with violence I left, but you try telling people you left your mentally ill ex, they look at you like you are some kind of monster. I mean, to them I should have stayed with him through thick and thin, who cares if he tried to stab me, right? I imagine that the lady who wrote this probably has the same issue.

    People don’t understand you can’t help people who don’t want to be helped.

  25. Faye

    April 12, 2013 at 3:16 pm

    I recently had to remove my father from my life too. It was such a hard thing to do but I honestly felt like my dad had died and a similar stranger had taken his place. There was a lot of pain and I decided I couldn’t spend the rest of my life trying to have a relationship with someone that was almost my father but not really when his actions repeatedly brought me pain. It’s a hard thing, and to many it may seem selfish but you deserve to live your life as you want to, for your peace of mind and happiness. It’s still a loss and there’s still sorrow but hopefully peace will follow.

  26. cady

    April 12, 2013 at 9:59 pm

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with cutting toxic people from your life, blood related or not, and don’t ever let anyone try to convince you otherwise.

  27. Kelly

    April 13, 2013 at 5:09 pm

    My mom has undiagnosed NPD and I went no contact 5 years ago and felt very guilty about it at the time. The guilt has lessened over the years, and now I realize it was the best decision I’ve ever made. Stay strong.

  28. Charlotte

    April 14, 2013 at 10:46 am

    You know, your claims and alleged research that people with BPD can’t recognize their own sickness and cannot be cured is false. I have BPD, am 26 years old and have made amazing leaps and bounds towards recovery. Using something called Dialectical Behavioural Therapy by Marsha Linehan. It’s kind of weird that you make these claims without coming across DBT at all..I’m sorry your mother treated you that way, and I’m sure your experiences are valid and horrifying as my sister has BPD and my Mother has BPD too. The difference between their behaviours, as with ANY mental illness, is that my sister got help and is doing great, and is very respectful. And our Mother did not get help….I know your pain in a way, as my Mother is very heart breaking, abusive whenever we speak. She is always saying how much of a bad daughter I am (you know the drill I’m sure), or saying that I am a failure and finger pointing that everyone else is the reason for her pain/problems. I really wish you wouldn’t group all of us together, there is a way out. Also it often (not always) takes great abuse to have someone fall ill with BPD, or abuse exacerbates it. Before I got help, I was in a world of pain thinking that childhood sexual assault or rapes through my teens was normal because I was a woman. That I should hurt myself to get attention because no one had ever believed me or validated me so I needed to act out to have people come to me. This is a common symptom and one I am thankfully free from because I have valuable long term goals that were solidified by Dialectical Behavioural Therapy. Oh and one last thing, even “older” adults can learn DBT, I’ve seen a man in his 50’s come out of the 1 year BDT program. Thanks for reading 🙂

    • lana

      May 2, 2013 at 12:33 am

      I am also 26 yr old female, diagnosed BPD and it’s sad to see how negatively it’s perceived among people and there is this thought that we are always violent towards other people and like, helpless or something.. I just started therapy again and have reconized that I need to work hard and put in real effort in order to get better and be able to control my emotions.. but I am also considering disowning my family in an effort to rid my life of negativity and bullying. My mother was diagnosed BPD and also Bipolar, except I don’t think she really wants to get better and seems to use it as a crutch or an excuse for most of her behavior. I havent spoken to her in two years now, and before that it was on and off. I was actually raised by my maternal grandma and step-grandpa with their bio-daughter who was 5 years older than me. They fought alot while I was growing up, I also had alot of emotional problems from my mother moving in and out of their house (my home too) without really considering how I would feel about it. I met my bio-dad when I was 19 and he seems okay, he seems stable and is pretty nice to me. My grandparents, I know they love me deep down but they treat me like I’m inferior and it’s caused me alot of distress, I dont really feel like they respect me or see me as an adult even though I’ve been on my own for years, their bio-daughter bullied me alot growing up saying how they didn’t love me as much because I wasn’t their “real” daughter, but they still act like she is perfect and can do no wrong.. My grandma has called me names and was emotionally abusive when I was growing up, whenever I would cry I was put in my room and told that it’s not okay to cry and my feelings were never validated, which I’m sure has done long term damage to my self esteem.. When I broke down (for me this just means a lot of crying/tears..) in front of my grandpa he told me I was going to be just like my mother and wouldn’t be able to make any friends.. They caused me alot of pain growing up but now act as if none of that stuff happened and I can just have a normal adult relationship with them… but I don’t really want to have anything to do with them anymore.
      The other thing is, I also have four younger half-sisters (all by the same mother)..we were all raised by different family members of different sides of the family and none of them were ever raised with me, so it’s hard to feel like we are really family.. but unfortunately the youngest who is ten still really wants a relationship with me who still lives with my mother, and it just like…makes me start to panic right away thinking of even trying to have a relationship, because of how it’s gone every single time in the past, and it really saddens me that I am unable to explain all of this to her, when really I shouldnt’ have to becaues my mother gave away her parental rights and I feel like I was basically adopted only… I wasnt…but I do feel very guilty for not being able to be there for my sisters and pull us together, I felt that the responsibility fell to me because I’m technically the oldest, but the emotional weight of it all is unbearable and I just hope that someday she will understand and I hope that sending her cards would not be too emotionally disruptive..

      Sometimes I wish I would have been adopted into a different family who wanted and were able to care for children and I wouldn’t have had my biological mother disrupt my life so much, and my grandma definitely enables her to do it..beacuse she’s her mother I guess…
      I really feel like no one in my family is supportive to me or understands what I’m going through or why I’m even struggling… So basically I’m seeing a therapist, and trying to get some help, I’m diving into DBT next week but I’ve already been reading about the skills and trying to practice some in order to be able to stay stable enough to continue to work full time still and keep my apartment and the life that I want for myself…
      I also recently got out of an abusive relationship that lasted two years (physical, mental, financial) but have met someone new who I have been seeing for about 6 months now, who is very kind and who I feel like I’m truly falling in love with, and his family is very nice to me and I hope that I get the chance to get to know them better and maybe my own family will not be able to hurt me as much as they do now. I am still hoping for the best and I know I have strength & greatness in me to overcome these obstacles and make the right decisions.

    • infertilemyrtle

      June 15, 2013 at 10:05 am

      I question the BPD diagnosis. You sound too thoughtful of and concerned about others to have BPD. Regardless, the therapy will still help you. No one ever diagnosed me as BPD, but I believe I had BPD behaviors because that was what I was raised with. Years of therapy and getting an education were my saving graces. Maybe you just have a lot of bad learned behaviors that you just need to unlearn and validation that you are not crazy and your instincts are accurate. Maybe you need to essentially re-parent yourself. The children of women with BPD are very traumatized. You have had an entire childhood formed and molded by someone who is seriously mentally ill.

      It is hard to let the little ones go when you leave a situation like this. You may not be able to save them. I was also the oldest and I was unable to save my siblings. One is in a grave partly due to my mother’s neglect and the other is just like mom. She can’t maintain a relationship or a job for any length of time. She’s lied and manipulated so much, its a wonder she isn’t in prison. She’s been put through drug treatment and mental therapy, in patient, out patient, everything in between. She chooses her behavior, as does my mother. However, I chose something different and by saving myself, I was able to be here healthy and able to help my nieces and nephew and I was able to help rescue them. Staying around for the drama will further damage you. You can’t help anyone without helping yourself first, so try not to let those thoughts weigh on you. You would be responsible if you were in a position and able to help, but you are not right now in that position, and through no fault of your own.

      Charlotte’s post offended me. I think it was her getting on to this writer while talking about her BPD and acting out. It just didn’t feel sympathetic or apologetic for the pain BPD causes the innocent children of untreated BPD people, which is what this article is about. Her post that treatment is possible is a good point though.

      I strongly encourage you to couple your therapy efforts with a university education in anything that earns a good living. I wonder how much all of this really has to do with criminality and poverty, and the best cure for those things is an education. My incredibly wonderful husband and I have been together over 20 years. We have a beautiful. well rounded, happy, healthy child and nothing but a bright future. If I can do it, so can you. You absolutely do have strength and greatness in you. The soul searching in your post makes me feel certain you will overcome these obstacles and make the right decisions.

    • Carmen

      August 1, 2013 at 9:08 am

      “You sound too thoughtful of and concerned about others to have BPD.” – Not true for all. I was diagnosed as bipolar at first, but they later discovered that I had BPD. Yet I am still thoughtful of others. Always have been. But sometimes, I say things I don’t mean, but apologize, unless I am in a manic mood.

    • infertilemyrtle

      June 14, 2013 at 9:21 am

      What you forget is the extreme pain people with BPD cause. As is typical with BPD, its all about you. It may be possible to treat BPD, but extremely few people with BPD are even willing to admit there is a problem, let alone put any effort into resolving it. If your parent beats you with a stick and people tell them there are alternatives, but they refuse and keep beating you with a stick, well, it becomes difficult to forgive. Don’t beat up on the victims. You have already caused enough pain.

    • Charlotte

      June 14, 2013 at 6:54 pm

      “as is typical with BPD, its all about you.” When people often describe themselves, their disorder or how it came to be, well gee it sure does have something to do with themselves. My abuse matters too.

      ” It may be possible to treat BPD, but extremely few people with BPD are even willing to admit there is a problem, let alone put any effort into resolving it.” Could you back that up with sources please? As in literally state how you have quantified this, because I am pretty sure you have not gone to each group and sat in to see how wrong you are.

      I mean where exactly do you think BPD comes from? Do you think it honestly manifests in the same way for every person, and that we should dehumanize everyone with BPD? It sounds like you are being extremely judgmental and have a chip on your shoulder. I don’t beat up on anyone ever, and I have never caused you any pain. I’m sorry you read a Wikipedia article on BPD and may have had a bad experience, but that doesn’t make you knowledgeable to the degree you are being nasty for.

    • infertilemyrtle

      June 15, 2013 at 6:50 am

      Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. That’s all people with BPD ever think about. I was raised by a woman with BPd. I suffered. See, that’s the problem with people with BPD. They always think everything is all about them.

    • Charlotte

      June 17, 2013 at 8:42 am

      I highly doubt that. You just seem to be a very judgmental person who thinks she knows everyone and everything. You seem to be the one making everything about herself. You like mentioning this as if you’re an island unto yourself, while I simply mentioned we aren’t all the same and have unique personal/experiences.

    • Kittycookies

      June 17, 2013 at 10:52 pm

      Thank you for speaking up and wording it the best way I’ve heard for those of us seeking help.

    • ashley

      August 27, 2013 at 10:20 pm

      Agreed. Charlotte is absolutely right in saying that those of us with BPD are not all the same. I am bipolar and borderline and am also the mother of a lovely 4 year old girl who is my life. If it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t be here or striving to make myself healthy.

    • infertilemyrtle

      June 15, 2013 at 8:49 am

      One other thing, Charlotte, I looked this article up because they say my mom has BPD and I can’t have her around in my life because of the damage she causes and yesterday was her birthday. Everything is not about you. If what she has is BPD, then people with BPD are some of the most selfish and self absorbed people in the world. I don’t believe BPD is an illness. I believe its just a name for a behavior people have chosen. There is nothing in my mother that requires her to act this way. She is clearly well aware of her behavior. But, she is consumed with lies and manipulation. She lives and breaths lies and manipulations in order to gain money, favor, or just to feel better about herself at someone else’s expense. A dozen marriages, moving constantly, faking illnesses, verbal and emotional abuse far worse than the physical abuse doled out. Instable lifestyle subjecting her children to abuse, child molestation, drugs, and murder. I don’t care anymore “where BPD comes from”. I had all kinds of terrible things happen to me because of her, and far worse than anything that ever happened to her. But you don’t see me using these life experiences as an excuse to put my child through a living hell. It should be negatively perceived. People with BPD are monsters who need to own the pain they cause.

    • Charlotte

      June 17, 2013 at 8:56 am

      Lumping people together won’t do a darn thing. That’s backfired on most people. Guess if you had a bad experience with a gay person it means they are all bad? That you don’t believe it’s a real sexual orientation at that it is a behaviour chosen? Same with any race. I’m sure I can find many articles saying blacks or gays are “monsters”, but we know not everyone is the same. It’s the individual. There are tons more of articles out there saying the opposite of BPD that it is real and people and can heal, and they do. Do not judge me, you do not know me. I am not your Mother, sweety.

    • infertilemyrtle

      June 18, 2013 at 6:20 am

      You are the person who jumped on an article and called out the author. People with BPD never know how to behave. You’ve proven that.

    • Charlotte

      June 18, 2013 at 8:29 pm

      Comment: a criticism or interpretation, often by implication or suggestion.

      Section: a distinct part or subdivision of anything.

      By your definition, and your comment history on your profile, you’d have a symptom of BPD. Calling out authors and such on articles where anyone else can comment freely. Good grief.

    • infertilemyrtle

      June 19, 2013 at 9:31 am

      You need all the therapy you can get. BPD freak. You are having a lot of trouble owning your pain. You need all the help you can get. BPD people are monsters. You are living, breathing proof.

    • Charlotte

      June 19, 2013 at 12:46 pm

      Not the greatest to know this conversation has devolved into name calling on your part. If that’s all you got then you might need some help yourself. I’m sorry if you can’t understand what I was trying to say, or what you might have erroneously perceived from my comments, but I do not condone any pain or bad behaviour caused by someone with BPD (concerning the author or anyone else) I was simply offering a viewpoint. Neither is it factual, decent or appropriate to call me a monster. Listen, I can see you’re having a hard time with whatever you have went through, and it has turned you into a seemingly very bitter and judgmental person. A person who seems to think she knows everyone, everything and that it’s all out to get her like some “monsters” in the dark.

      Best of luck,

      and P.S. for the umpteenth time, You do not know me:

      “1. The five of nine criteria needed to diagnose the disorder may be present in a large number of different combinations. This results in the fact that the disorder often presents quite differently from one person to another, thus making accurate diagnosis somewhat confusing to a clinician not skilled in the area.”

      http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=By_Illness&Template=/TaggedPage/TaggedPageDisplay.cfm&TPLID=54&ContentID=44780

    • infertilemyrtle

      June 20, 2013 at 1:18 am

      My GOD. You are still here? Obsess over me much?

    • AnonThinker

      July 24, 2014 at 4:50 am

      Game over for you infertilemyrtle — thanks for exposing yourself here! Projecting much? This entire thread between you and poor Charlotte was a great example of emotional abuse, where you cleverly used invalidation and gaslighting to hook her into more abuse. Way to go, Troll.

  29. A

    April 15, 2013 at 11:18 am

    My mom and I have a close, loving relationship, but your relationship with your mother sounds a LOT like my mom’s relationship with her mom (my grandmother). My grandmother died years ago, and my mom said she felt a massive weight lift after the funeral. My mom has scars I can’t even begin to understand from a childhood spent with a parent who, rather than love and protect her, verbally and physically abused her and made it clear that her only role in life was to serve her parents and brothers. I honestly think she would have been happier had she cut her parents out of her life years before their deaths, but hindsight is 20/20.

  30. Amanda Stanley

    April 15, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    Thank you for posting this. I’m going through something extremely similar and am trying to decide how to handle it. I know it’s not my mothers fault why she act’s the way she does, but when it disrupts my family’s lifestyle so brutally something has to be done.

  31. Sunshine

    April 22, 2013 at 12:33 am

    I’m so glad I found this entry. I’m 24 and I cut my mom out of my life four years ago while my parents divorced and i went through therapy. Now I’ve made the mistake of letting her back in and am trying to find the strength to end it once and for all. It’s one of the hardest things to do but it gives me courage to know that others have also had to face this. I’m not alone.

  32. Cat85

    April 22, 2013 at 10:17 pm

    My mother is borderline personality with some psychopathic tendencies, and I can’t count how many times she beat me black and blue, starved me, burned me, tried to shove my face into a running stove burner, locked me outside naked (when I was 4 years old), and many other things. She tried to kill me multiple times, in really disturbing/sick ways. After my father had a car accident, I had to take care of/protect him from her while he was recovering (and I was 15 years old). I repeatedly reached out for help as a child, and as a teenager, but got none. Teachers, neighbors, friends, turned a deaf ear. The police just laughed at me… laughed at me. Because of people like these, I didn’t get help getting out until I was a grown adult.

    And something similar happened with my husband’s family. They tried to take away everything he held dear, and proved themselves to be very dangerous people (we know they’d try to take our children away if we were to have any). But, of course, my husband’s the villain for disowning them, and they’re using the opportunity to play the martyred family who are “only guilty of caring too much.” It’s just sad.

    It’s too true… I agree with everyone on here about how other people (even close friends sometimes) just don’t seem to get it… to the point of telling you that you’re the bad guy for leaving/disowning your unreasonable, abusive, and (in a lot of cases) downright dangerous parent(s).

    • dan

      May 11, 2013 at 2:38 am

      cat that is quite the dramatic childhood. i am impressed with how you are honest and straightforward but not whining about your problems. you seem like a cool person to me. i am curious how well adjusted are you to being a normal person? based on your childhood one would think you’d be a loony toon but i get the feel you are a regular person who gets by okay.

    • Carmen

      August 1, 2013 at 9:12 am

      I would like to note that what you stated was psychopath behavior, and not BPD behavior. As a mother with BPD, I have never done any of those things. Because I don’t have psychopath behavior.

  33. not so crazy

    April 23, 2013 at 8:42 pm

    your my hero!!! dealt with this my whole life….

  34. dan

    May 11, 2013 at 2:45 am

    OP, please don’t feel guilty you don’t have to explain yourself to people. Anyone who has experience with a BPD in serious relationship will understand and even be jealous of what you were able to do. You should be PROUD.

    Just think about your dad he was trapped in a relationship with a BPD person and he never got out his whole life, he couldn’t protect himself, and he didn’t even bother to protect you. In contrast you got out and protected yourself and by protecting yourself you are protecting your kids.

    I know how you feel as my mom was crazy for many years and my dad didn’t do anything about it. I have a friend who told me about his parents it is interesting his mom is a lying coke head whole stole money from my friend to buy more coke and his dad didn’t do anything to protect him and he told me he felt exactly the same way and just wondered why his dad didn’t do anything to stop it?

  35. Poorpoppy

    May 12, 2013 at 6:42 am

    Wow. This is exactly where I am right now. And god I needed to read this now – it’s Mother’s Day and I was feeling guilty about my decision – until now. Thankyou for reminding me this is not my fault

  36. Emily

    May 14, 2013 at 9:03 am

    Thank you for sharing your story. I cut both my parents and sister out of my life a few years ago. All borderlines. I get it, I hear you, no explaining needed. Take care and wishing you peace and happiness.

  37. Kat

    May 16, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    You’re not alone. It’s been 10 years for me & she’s never once tried to contact me let alone “get me back”. Which, in it’s own way, hurts. But I have zero doubt that my life is so much better without her. No matter how many people don’t get it, please know you are not the only one.

  38. VDE

    May 23, 2013 at 5:48 pm

    I’ve disowned my Mother. She allowed our next door neighbor to molest me from the age of 4 to when my Dad finally found out and then her new husband from the age of 9 to when I moved out. She basically whored me to her husband to keep her nice house and her new cars. I’ve forgiven her and had a relationship since, but she’s only in it for herself. She doesn’t care about my son. She doesn’t care about me. She’s selfish and miserable. My therapist agrees the healthiest thing to do is to avoid any relationship with her. I know it’s hard and there are things you miss, but it’s the idea of a Mother you miss more than your actual Mom.

  39. Damien

    May 30, 2013 at 11:12 pm

    Darlin I so sympathize with you, I’ve had to deal with a passive-aggressive mother with a borderline personality disorder for years.
    I’ve seen families talk about how they love their mom and I just can’t relate, to be honest my mother has never uttered those words to me ever in my life, written on a card sure, but not said them.
    I can’t recall how many countless times I’ve walked thru a room where she stares blankly at a wall utterly non responsive. You want to help you try to help you bend over backwards, and as they always say no good deed goes unpunished. They are often extremely reactionary, and if you offer a slightly alternate concept to what they have preconceived all hell breaks loose.
    I more than anyone know how hard it is to walk away from that situation, stay strong.

  40. product of bpd mom

    June 14, 2013 at 4:24 pm

    Wow, like I’m reading the story of my own life! I just wish I had the courage to cut all ties. I hate her. I hate her for all the years of manipulation and drama. I hate her because I can’t seem to have normal human relationships, even with siblings (especially with siblings!). Thank GOD for my husband or I’d literally be alone in the world. I hate her for turning my sweet sweet dad into this codependent monster that he is today. And now I feel like my blood pressure has already tripled just thinking about her…..

  41. nancy

    June 16, 2013 at 4:49 pm

    I have made the decision to only comunicate with my mother via Email , I was frightened when I first ignored her phone calls and some times I feel guilty, but I desperatley need space from her. The result of having no contact with her (she won’t Email me as she finds it harder to manipulate me ) is that my confidence is slowly growing, I feel as if for the first time in my life I have permission to be alive and to enjoy being alive.

  42. jj

    June 25, 2013 at 9:39 am

    I just found out that my mom had the same disorder. As soon as my therapist broke down all the symptoms, I realized that my mom would never bevthe mom I wished and hoped to have. I felt wonderful cutting her off knowing its her, not me.

  43. Zoe

    June 27, 2013 at 9:32 am

    I can relate to this so much, my mother has borderline personality disorder and I cut her out of my life six months ago. It was very difficult thing to do, but even more difficult growing up with her.

  44. NEDC Mom

    July 8, 2013 at 7:19 pm

    I recently cut our my borderline mother (and alcoholic father) and am currently working on figuring out who I am. I am trying to heal from the decades of abuse. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. Today I was feeling particularly guilty and found your article. Thank you for posting.

  45. fred

    July 12, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    No one in their right mind would maintain a relationship with anyone who treats them like crap, and no one would begrudge anyone for ending such a relationship, unless it’s “FAMILY” then you’re expected to put up with all sorts of shit, and are called “home wrecker, trouble maker, screwball. F**ing bleepity bleep, whatever. I say that Parents especially should be given much LESS slack in bad treatment than any other Joe Blow, because they are your F**ing parents for chrissake! Why should they get any kind of a pass? It’s your life, not theirs. F**ck them! I had to eliminate my parents, and a sibling, because they continually made me choose between them and my own life and marriage and they damned near won. IT was one of those pivotal points where It litterally came down to it’s either them or me, and I chose me, for once, and HOLY SHIT did they not like it at ALL! FYI, I don’t think my Mother or Father had BPD, but probably something close though.

  46. Carmen

    August 1, 2013 at 9:05 am

    I have BPD. It seems like your mother doesn’t receive treatment. I’m receiving treatment and always tell my children that I love them. I was emotionally abused my own father which caused me to develop BPD. I always told myself that I would never abuse my children and would always tell them I loved them. Regardless of my mental illnesses.

  47. alex

    August 4, 2013 at 12:27 am

    Dead on. Good for you. I did it when I was 23. She died last year, right before I turned 40. I cried about it for a few days, because there is always that part of you that thinks they might have an epiphany, get help, and be the mother you never had. And now there was no chance at all. Being honest, there never was any chance at all when she was alive. I am finally allowing myself to feel anger after years of feeling guilt or nothing at all. So far, anger is better.Screw the people who don’t get it. Unless you have lived with a parent who has BPD, you have no idea what you’re talking about so just move along.

  48. MomInWA

    August 16, 2013 at 12:36 am

    I thought I was the only one. I cut off my mother a year ago last May, so 14, 15 months? I saved some of her last emails to me, so that whenever the child in me misses her “mother” I read those emails to remind myself of the sickness and why I don’t want her in my life. She said so many horrible things, and the abuse…I don’t want to talk about it. It’s so humiliating.

  49. Bebemom916

    August 20, 2013 at 9:35 pm

    I read all the comments, because I am so glad that I am not alone. My mother is undiagnosed NPD and she has put me through Hell. I cut her off twice, once for six years and then again 3 years ago, this time for good. She occasionally sends birthday cards to guilt trip me into contacting her, but I know better than to fall for her tricks again. Fool me once……Stay strong and don’t let them come near your kids!

  50. Lee Chisholm

    August 21, 2013 at 11:30 pm

    I have t

  51. LEWWWIE

    September 1, 2013 at 11:02 pm

    i understand ur pain.

  52. Mousetail

    September 7, 2013 at 8:41 pm

    I have a bipolar, abusive dad and an enabling mom. While I’ve set a lot of boundaries, I can’t make myself cut off my mom, and she won’t leave my dad. I applaud you for taking such a difficult step.

  53. Rosie

    September 11, 2013 at 11:26 pm

    I wish you peace with your decision. When I read your story, I was looking in the mirror. I have disowned my entire family as they are poison. I hope you feel the freedom you so richly deserve. Best wishes xo

  54. Nonia

    September 19, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    A lot of what you guys are saying I can agree with even though I’ve not had the experience. I mean, extreme abuse, being chased with a knife and so on is very evil and of course you are right to distance such parents. However, being hit or spanked as a child, well that was normal in our countries not so long ago, and legal too. I was spanked sometimes too and I knew at the time that I did deserve it. Sometimes just screaming at children or trying other more psychological methods does not work. Although, I don’t know about you, but when I was hurt it was only my feelings; I wasn’t hurt physically by the spanking.
    And the thing about being cut out of the will is not just a symptom of a parent with personality disorder. Parents in the normal range who are just either very hurt, very angry, or very narrow minded (often a generational thing) could also do that if they were told they were no longer someone’s parents. They’d be pretty shocked to say the least, and many older parents don’t want to admit their part in a problem or try to change (and as you say, she most probably can’t change, and your father supports her and keeps the peace probably since he doesn’t want to break up a long term marriage and sees it as the lesser of the possible evils, not to say that it is a good thing but how he might see it). So they may not see it as a reason to stop short and modify some behaviour, get professional help to do so, etc, since their pride and generational thinking would get in the way and they’d maybe just not see it that way. I am certain if I did that to my mother, she’d also do something in retaliation, and her only problem is her narrow-mindedness in some areas. Also, I’d not want to shock her in any case.
    Of course I do not agree with staying in a situation that makes you feel abused. But on the other hand, I’d feel for them to some degree, and I’d want to show kindness so I’d find a way to distance them perhaps even a great deal so as to protect myself, maybe even saying that this is until they got professional help and proved that they had changed to some extent, but I’d not cut them off. I’ve an older relative who I believe has a personality disorder, and I also haven’t disowned him but only really distanced him with some very minimal contact since I feel bad for his loneliness and I know that some other family members have done what I have done.
    Sorry if I’m not totally agreeing with everything. Maybe it is true that not having been there I don’t completely understand. But I also believe that caring gives out more positive vibes to the person, and totally cutting someone off and disowning them sends out the opposite and would be extremely shocking no matter how they try to hide it. It also affects you, not just them, and at the very least it hardens you or causes guilt. I’d find a compromise, even if it were the barest minimal one. Also, no psychological problem is totally genetic in its roots. There is always an environmental element. If the environment is negative, the situation develops more. Therefore, prisoners of war and those experiencing shellshock for example suffer from reactions they’d not even known they were capable of had they not been in the situation. And sensitivity to one’s environment differs between people.
    I’m also talking from personal experience, although I won’t get into the details.

  55. willow33

    September 21, 2013 at 8:28 am

    My breaking point came two years when my mom became crazily emotionally abusive to me towards the end of my second pregnancy. I developed PTSD. I haven’t seen my parents for 2 years now. A couple times over the past two years I tried to call to reason with my mom…there is no reasoning with BPD. I would get off the phone with her and vomit every time. When you finally wake up and let go of all your delusions that things will ever change and that you can make it better, there’s a lot of grief. I feel like I lost my whole family of origin because my BPD mom turned everyone against me. It’s like they all died. The price has been high, but I feel like a fully functioning human being now. I did almost a year of therapy but now I have hope for the future. I never had hope before. All of my energy went to my BPD mom and it was NEVER enough. Now I have energy for my husband and children and was even able to get a couple dogs. BPD is sad. The thing is, once I rehashed and processed all the pain and anger from my childhood and adulthood and forgave them; I realized I love my parents and I always will…but trying to have a relationship with them was killing me and hurting my children. I legally changed my first and middle names which helped a lot and am now taking steps to move out of state away from the home I’ve always known. I pray for everyone who is going through this. It’s so very hard.

  56. Stephanie

    October 10, 2013 at 11:35 pm

    Good for you Anonymous Mom. My sister and I had to disown our borderline mother and our silent father over a year ago and it is still difficult as she continues to lash out in any avenue she can possibly reach us through. The hardest part is dealing with the public reaction when I tell them that we don’t have a traditional family, and that I can’t have a relationship with my parents. People won’t understand, but they don’t have to. Stay strong, hang in there, the happiness you will gain will far outweigh the pain you are giving up, even though the wounds will take a long time to heal.

  57. Newby

    October 14, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    This is so helpful for me to read. I was raised by an abusive alcoholic father who committed suicide & a mother with what my Therapist & I believe to be BPD.
    I’m in my 30s now. And, just last week, in a fit of rage, my mother disowned me via text. She did it as a form of punishment saying that she’ll let me back in when I’m ready to give her the respect she deserves. I’m very hurt by this, as I have spent most of my life trying my best to care for her emotional needs. Deep down, I know that staying away from her is the right thing. For years, my Therapist has told me to distance myself from my mom, but I wasn’t strong enough.
    I feel scared that she’ll hurt herself or others. And, I feel shame. I haven’t told anyone but my loving husband and one friend. Both have my back. But, I feel so scared about the people who won’t understand. They’ll think I did something bad. Like many of the other comments below, she is very charming & loving toward people who don’t know her. But, she is manipulative, dishonest & emotionally abusive to our family. She has screaming fits that appear to be provoked by nothing. She lies constantly (even lies about me to the rest of the family). She’s an adulterer. She throws & kicks things…sometimes at me. She blames others for anything that doesn’t go her way. She threatens the rest of the family when they don’t agree with her (She has threatened to divorce her husband over & over. She threatened to lock him in the house & burn it down.). She puts people down, especially me. When I was a kid, I was a regular size…not fat, not skinny. She would tell me how obese & disgusting I was. And, how pretty she was. She once made me wear maternity clothes when I was 12 years old as punishment for being so “fat”.
    She used to laugh & joke with people about how afraid of her I was. I still am.
    Even though I know I’m better off without her, I’m sad & scared. But, I’m lucky enough to have a strong support system in my friends & in-laws.
    Thanks for posting your story. It gives me hope.

  58. Mindy

    October 14, 2013 at 11:36 pm

    My BPD mother has been the bain of my existence. My sister died at age 40. My brother is a sociopath, my father was an alcoholic and drug abuser, and my step-father was a violent physical abuser and emotional batterer. People don’t have a clue about these adversities unless they have experienced the hell of growing up in this environment. My mother decided she did not like her neighbor so she took a jar, filled with her own urine and poop, and then put it on the neighbors door step. She has been sent to jail for shop lifting and continues to do it. I divorced her for about eight years because my therapist said I could not expect to make much progress with her toxic behavior. I’ve had fifteen years of therapy and she still hooks me. She is 75 now and demanding every bit of energy I have. My boundaries are much healthier than earlier but she still terrorizes every one around her.

  59. Lorraine

    October 19, 2013 at 12:35 am

    thank you for writing this…. Its so difficult to explain whats wrong when you have a parent with this problem (borderline personality disorder)… Its like dealing with a dead person. I tried to heal my relationship with my mother recently, after cutting her out of my life for 8 years. I thought I was strong enough because of the relationship I am in but I realize that he is my family. Not these people… I really related to the article above. Thank you for writing it!!!! so much. Its given me the courage to do what I have always needed to do.

  60. Reach

    October 21, 2013 at 10:36 am

    Wow, I am so glad to read the stories of others who can empathize with the decision to let go of a parent with a personality disorder. I got off the carousel earlier this year and truly no one understands the pain of having a mentally ill mother like others who have shared the experience. Thank you for your stories and comments here, they encouraged me!

  61. Lizza

    November 1, 2013 at 8:26 pm

    Hurrah! Thank you for being brave and bold and validating me. You’re not alone. I’m not alone. Anyone who suffered with a bpd mother gets it, anyone who didn’t doesn’t. I”m sending this to my friend who gets it.

  62. Shelley McNamara

    November 2, 2013 at 7:12 pm

    I’m just running across this article in an absolute desperate attempt to understand, make sense, stop the hurting and sadness that I am feeling right now. I read this article and am completely dumbfounded that this woman has described my mom perfectly, my dad is an alcoholic to add to the chaos, and in the last 6 months my mom has been in and out of mental hospitals atleast 3 times. They can’t keep her because she is not a physical danger to herself or anyone else…What about the mental abuse I take daily??? I’m at the end of my rope, both of my parents are hateful, cruel and as my brother put it…We pretty much raised ourselves. I feel so sad and empty that I am making the choice to actually consider saying “my parents are dead” …The whole things makes me sad, sick, and very much at a loss right now. Amazingly like this writer, I have two grown gals 25 and 21 and just like her…I tell them daily how much I love them, how wonderful they are, and how I have no idea how I got so damn blessed to have them considering how my siblings and myself were raised. Uncertain, and confused but so sick of the hurt they bring to my life…

  63. What I know

    November 7, 2013 at 4:47 am

    I would be interested to learn how many people worship their horrible, mean parent(s) – for fear of getting more abuse. My mother was a bully, who intimidated my dad. My sisters are all bullies, who after my mother died, then turned their nastiness on me and my dad. I for one never treated my mother badly, though I had plenty of reason to. You see, I was afraid of what she would do if I stood up to her. As it turns out, after she died suddenly, my nasty sisters all had mean things to say to me about what “mom said about you” (meaning me).

    My sisters are all horrors and their kids (who are all grown) think they are the greatest! But, wait, I used to tell people my mom was the greatest, too. She wasn’t. She was a narcissist who was jealous of everyone and spiteful to the core. I’m the outcast of the family because I refuse to “fall in line” and take their abuse. More than the outcast, I would call myself the family scapegoat. After all, they have to blame their abuse on someone! They would never take responsibility for their own nastiness.

    What’s sadder? I married a man who was just like my mom (and sisters). We were married for nearly 30 years and he has successfully turned even strangers against me. I have children who are just as bad as he is. He is personality disordered and kept his diagnosis a secret for 15 years before I finally divorced him. That was 10 years ago and he is STILL abusing me. Now he is using our children to do it for him. My mother used to call me horrible names or stop talking to me when I wouldn’t go along with her hate campaigns against my dad (or who ever). My ex belittles and bullies our children and they have witnessed what he’s done to me (which included a skull fracture) and they don’t want to feel his wrath. They somehow feel his abuse is justified? Yes, he is very charming and also gets people to feel sorry for him.

    It’s a terrible situation to be in, but I am learning to move forward because life is too short to waste on people who are nasty and self absorbed. I wish everyone peace.

  64. Ce Couture

    November 17, 2013 at 10:26 pm

    Omg i thought it was only me. I’m 22 still live home, everything u stated i have gone or going through as we speak one of the main reasons im on here. Smh if its ok i would really would like to tlk with yu n email or something. I’m so damaged

  65. Peter

    November 26, 2013 at 8:11 pm

    It’s hard for people to believe that there are moms who actually abuse their kids, since moms are supposed to be, supportive and caring. Disowning them is much easier (like I did) and you won’t have to hear negative objections or slanders for hating your mom. They seem like the most caring person in public (the use of crocodile tears and public displays of niceness). They especially like to “spread” news of their love and concern for humanity, in public of course but only for the sake of publicizing their good deeds just to prove how wonderful they are. Everything good my mom does in public just seems so fake and intentional, and what happens at home, everyone here already knows about.
    So, stop complaining to people about your narcissistic parents (unless they also had narcissistic parents) cause they won’t believe it and will probably scorn you for thinking in such a way. This in turn makes you the bad person, overwhelmed with guilt, probably filled with extreme remorse and regret which makes you go back to want to “love” your chaotic mothers again, then the process starts “again”.
    Disowning them is much easier, seriously, they know how to play the game and you will never win. You will forever be the scapegoat

  66. Lola

    December 14, 2013 at 4:38 pm

    I am in almost exactly the same situation. They do not change with age. They just get more manipulative. Give yourself the love they never gave you and run far, far away and don’t look back.

  67. Albert8184

    December 14, 2013 at 5:55 pm

    I haven’t talked to my mother in over 25 years. After my parents divorced when I was two, I wanted nothing to do with any of her six subsequent husbands. And my dad? Well, he loved wife 2 and her daughters more than his own son. Apparently it was just KILLING him to walk a tightrope between being loyal to them and sticking up for me against their abuse and catty evil. So…. I let him have his choice. My father died never knowing why I just packed up and left in the middle of the night one October. And my step monster made sure I was totally cut out of any share in his estate.

    I’m afraid I’ve transferred my rage to American social culture in general… this country treats children like crap. From before birth (in some cases) to adulthood. In every way imaginable. So many kids are destroyed by the whole divorce blended family evil stepchild inheritance fight thing. It’s pitiful. Children are garbage in America.

    Being a step child, over and over and over again, is like being a dog adopted from the pound by people just looking for a junkyard dog. They feed you because they have to, and they’d just as soon not have to deal with you but they can keep you out of the way..

  68. survivor of mentally ill moth

    December 27, 2013 at 11:11 am

    I think there is an ingrained bias to view motherhood / mothers as saints. Most mothers are rather saintly, but there are mothers who are too mentally ill, or disordered, or addicted, or narcissistic to be raising children.

    My mother was emotionally dysregulated, violent, paranoid, jealous /envious of most everyone, very controlling / domineering / perfectionistic, and blamed me for “trapping” her in a marriage she felt had been a bad choice. I was basically resented, and punished for existing.

    She nearly neglected me to death when I was an infant; I required emergency surgery related to being dehydrated. God knows why I wasn’t removed from her care, but I guess if you were married, lived in a respectable middle-class neighborhood, and kept the property values up, it was OK to abuse your children behind the privacy of the closed front door and solid brick walls.

    I learned to disconnect from my feelings in order to endure the atmosphere of disapproval and unpredictable rages and batterings. I still have lingering PTSD symptoms in late middle age, and have never had a long-term adult relationship & never had kids. I was told I was “loved”, then treated like I was dog crap. Dad wasn’t abusive, but he rarely, RARELY ever intervened or protected me.

    I wish that people who think they want to be parents could be screened first; those with severe personality disorders or other mental illnesses or addictions could then be monitored 24/7 or something, be supervised constantly to reduce the amount of psychological trauma to their children.

    • RaisedbyCrazy

      February 14, 2014 at 4:07 pm

      Your life sounds identical to mine. The only satisfying long term relationships i have managed have been with golden retrievers. My mother died last week peacefully (lucky her) from old age and I am finally free to live my own life but I am afraid it’s too late for me. To others in my situation: get off the sinking ship. Unless you have a lot of support, relationships with borderline people will suck the life out of you. Sorry to anyone who is borderline and getting help but you are in the minority.

  69. shill1

    December 30, 2013 at 8:10 am

    My mother, I am convinced, had Borderline Personality Disorder. She wouldn’t seek professional help to get a diagnosis, so it has been up to me to research and this is what I have concluded from what I have read about it. My father didn’t know how to deal with it, so I, an only child, ended up being in the middle of two very volatile people as I grew up. When I became an adult in my 30’s, I had had enough and cut them off after trying to talk with the both of them frankly about the abuse I had endured from them as a child. I just wanted closure and to be able to sort it out in MY mind as to what I had done to warrant their often violent and unpredictable behavior. My dad was willing, but my mother, mocking me, fell on the ground and began to kiss my feet for “forgiveness” in her usual kind, understanding manner. When they took me to the airport the next day for the flight home, she chased me through the airport to my gate, loudly begging me for forgiveness (where everyone ELSE would think that I was the heartless SOB) until I boarded the plane. In short, the SOS I had dealt with from her since about age 7. (At least, that’s when I began to NOTICE.) I didn’t speak or communicate with them for the next 2 years. Finally, my wife (loving woman that she is) convinced me to resume relations with them, much to her regret as for the next 25 years my mother’s behavior resumed. My mother’s last words to me before she died were that it was MY fault she was in a nursing home (this because I didn’t let her move in with MY family which WASN’T going to happen!), that I had spent and mismanaged all of her money (of which she had very little to START with), and a few other things about my daughter that I won’t mention here. Borderline Personality Disorder, I am convinced, cannot be dealt with in any other way but to totally avoid the person who has it unless they receive professional help and proper meds. Otherwise, these folks are broken beyond repair.

  70. Survivor

    January 6, 2014 at 10:28 pm

    Everyone’s situation is different, so I can see where cutting off BPD parent(s) may be the best solution for some. But for what it’s worth, here’s how I deal with mine.

    As background, looking back, my mom has all the hallmarks of undiagnosed BPD, and two therapists I’ve seen have suggested as much. I could tell you horror stories. I think the stress of being a single parent 24/7 combined with constant financial worries, while not an excuse for what she did, surely exacerbated it and she hated me for ruining her life (she said so many times during her rages). After one of these times, when she made me grind my foot on her smiling high school graduation picture when I was 11, I finally tried to kill myself. Thankfully I was unsuccessful in that attempt and the several following. While things improved for me after I was out of her direct control, she impacted me in many ways into my mid-30’s.

    But now that I have reached the “ripe old age” of 44, I have started to deal with it in a few ways. First, while she has definitely had a negative impact on the course of my life (I never did get married or had children, somewhat out of fear), she has also in some ways made me a very strong person and gave me several good qualities — a strong ethic of honesty, a love for animals, etc. I try to focus on those while I continue to try to undo the damage as needed in therapy.

    Secondly, I haven’t cut her out of my life but I’ve put a firm emotional yardstick in between us. I recognize now, that she’s mentally ill and when she “gets her crazy on” that’s simply her and is not reflection of me and let it blow over like a bad storm. It’s not pleasant, but I know it (and her “threats of abandonment”) will pass and then it’ll be like nothing happened. And I try to glean what I can from the good times–she’s not evil, she’s just sick, and when she’s behaving normally we can actually enjoy the time together. But only in small doses–it’s too exhausting to avoid the land mines for much longer than a day or two in person, and I’m not always successful. The other advantage is we now live very far apart and so I see her maybe once a year or less. So we have a phone relationship where we occassionally talk and enjoy the topics we CAN talk about, and can exit pretty easily if needed. Any discussion about the past is futile and will lead nowhere good.

    And I can’t tell her I love her. She seemed to have mellowed a little so I started to tell her I loved her at the end of calls a few years back and she reciprocated, until about two years ago, when she said she wished I wouldn’t do that anymore because it only makes her feel like she has to say it back, and that she doesn’t know what love is. Wow. Okay then! I won’t lie, it hurt, and let me know in no uncertain terms that the volcano was only sleeping. But I also realized that it’s just another symptom of her mental illness, and even if she can’t say it, she does love me (now that I’m no longer “ruining” her life).

    And for what it’s worth, I’ve slowly ventured being respectfully assertive with her as needed to protect myself, and waited for the other shoe to drop, and while it still does, it drops less often and less hard. She always circles back around eventually. The irony is that it’s her very fear of abandonment that causes her to threaten the same to me–to her it’s the worst of the worst you can do to someone–and it’s that very same fear that will never let her actually “abandon” me because she’s afraid that one of these times I may make her put her money where her mouth is and abandon HER. So when I don’t bite and just leave it alone, back she comes. Even if she did ultimately “abandon” me for good, well, she was just sick. Sad, but true.

    I just treat the situation as if she has a certain brain injury or a dementia that causes her to be this way, because that almost what it is. And I feel sad for her, frankly, that so much of her life was ruined, not by me as it turns out, but by her mental illness, to where she couldn’t even enjoy the blessing of a lovable and worthwhile daughter, and still can’t truly engage in a normal, loving relationship.

    So I glean what I can as I can, because I do love her. At the times that she says something to try to be hurtful, I feel sad for her and for me that we can’t have the relationship that I have seen others have. But I don’t internalize it–I will never again put my emotional eggs in her basket to carry because she is sure to drop them, and they are way too precious.

  71. Sarah

    January 14, 2014 at 7:18 am

    I found this because I was looking up if you can disown parents at 30. Our parents sound a lot alike and because of their recent choice, my fiance and I have decided to cut them off. Years of physical and verbal abuse from my father when I was little and the verbal abuse has not stopped. My mom knew about the abuse, but didn’t do anything “I have your father’s side always.”-My mother told me that when I was 14. My whole life everytime things are going great, my parents would step in ruin anything they possibly could. 30 years I have lived a non stop roller coaster and everytime I spoke to my mom I would get panic attacks because I didn’t know if that would be the day she would fall off the deep end and start the abuse to me again. She has always been great with my daughter, but I still stayed strict on my daughter’s visits and phone calls. This past Christmas they made a huge mistake, they kidnapped my daughter and filed for custody. While my daughter was with them, my mom told her that we did not love her or want her anymore. It has only been 2 weeks since I brought police to their house, but the pain, the betrayal, the distrust, and heart ache are still going strong. I do not feel like I can ever forgive them for what they did and I know I will never be able to fully trust them. I feel ashamed to call them my parents, I feel ashamed to call them ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad.’ As soon as they made the decision to keep my daughter and fill her head with horrible lies, they lost their right to call themselves a mother and a father to me and they lost their right to call themselves grandparents to my daughter.
    Back in August I told my mom that I would be civil when it comes to matters involving my child, but when it comes to me, they have lost me as a daughter. That was not an easy step for me to take. Me looking into disowning them is not any easier. I agree that no mother wants to face the scare that their daughter wants to disown them, even at 30. But I have lived 30 years with abuse, low self esteem, in fear of what they may do next, lies they spread about me, ect. I do not and will do whatever I can to protect my child so she will not have to live anymore years of her life going through pain from what my parents have caused. I want to live a long and happy life and I want that for my family. My parents have made it clear that we will never have that and our daughter will never have that as long as they are in our lives.

  72. Jenn

    January 30, 2014 at 6:39 pm

    It makes me cringe when some ignoramous tells me i should love my mother or “awe, she’s your only parent”. No, living with my borderline mother was a hell i’ll never get over. And fwiw, “i wish i had an alcoholic parent” is just grass is less horrifying. They are very similar to borderline parents. They are horrifying too. They throw the same trantrums, the same rage, the same self pity, the same arrogance, the same ugliness. Unfortunately for me, my borderline asshole mother was also an alcohilic. I wouldn’t wish an alcoholic mother on anyone, let alone myself. : ). I hear what you’re saying but trust me, alcholics are ugly ugly people. At least with bpd they can’t be cured. Alcholics are just self absorbed a–holes who could change but choose not to. Ugly ugly ugly people. really.

  73. Jamie

    February 3, 2014 at 8:31 pm

    Thank you for writing this. I am amazed at how your story is almost identical to mine. The only difference is my mom smothered me with love as a kid. Everything else is right on. I am in the midst of getting a restraining order against my mother. This is a very turbulent and painful process. Your promise of calm waters ahead is inspiring to say the least. Though I don’t fully believe it, I have glimpses of a freedom that in and of itself would make life worth living.

  74. Jennifer

    February 19, 2014 at 1:20 pm

    I get it. I totally get it. I have been struggling with this decision for years.
    I’m still not sure what I will do. But I know exactly what you mean when you talk about feeling like you are drowning.

  75. Jane

    February 28, 2014 at 10:08 am

    You are in Danger From the Grandparent Right’s association.
    The moment you try to keep your parents out your life they can apply for court ordered contact with your kids. The second you have children they can force themselves back into your life in a big way. They can get free council as members of a ” special interest group” and the whole weight of the grandparents rigths organization can come down on you.
    Mounting a defense could cost 10’s of thousands of dollars as you desperatley try to prove that they are dangerous persons. Unless you can prove without a shadow of a doubt that your parents are dangerous, they can and will get access to your children.
    This group has consistantly placed violent and abusive grandparents with children under the guise of protecteing child rights. They play the victim and in turn earn the right to court sponsored child abuse. Be aware, you could be in danger if you have children.
    You may need to move to another country in order to keep you family safe.
    Be ware the wrath of the Grandparnets Rights Association.

  76. Anne

    March 2, 2014 at 7:17 pm

    I can completely relate to and empathize with everything you have experienced in your life. I myself am an only child of a borderline mother and a father who has tried his best to compensate for what my mother lacks. He is a very patient and kind hearted man who has put up with my mother for almost 30 years, initially because he thought it would be best for me to be raised in a two-parent household. Now that I’ve been out of the house for over 10 years (I am 29 years old and engaged to be married next year), I can’t for the life of me understand why he doesn’t get out. My mother is a miserable woman who inflicts constant pain and heartache to those around her and my father suffers her wrath on a daily basis.

    I have, for the most part, spent the last decade trying desperately to avoid contact with her, but it is difficult since she and my father are still living together, albeit miserably. I too hate my mother for never being able to be genuinely happy for me, although she denies this vehemently and thinks I am being dramatic and there must be something wrong with me for feeling this way. Whenever I would bring up my feelings of sadness and emptiness over our lack of relationship, she would attack me and tell me I must have depression issues because there’s nothing wrong with her.

    It’s becoming harder and harder for me to respect my father, who fluctuates between telling me to manage her and show more compassion towards her and then complaining to me about how depressed he is that he’s wasted his life in a miserable, unfulfilling marriage. As much as I feel horrible for my father, as he really is a very good person, I find it difficult to understand why he chooses to stay (he says the reason is purely financial and that my mom would destroy them financially in her spitefulness and irrationality, if he were to ask for a divorce) and I find myself resenting him for allowing her to destroy the remainder of his years (he is 67). If it weren’t for them being together, I have no doubt that I would disown my mother as you have, but I can’t imagine not having my father in my life, as I love him dearly.

    Now that I am engaged, my mother has made some half-hearted efforts to be involved in the planning and I am extremely stressed because I know my mother will make every step of the process excruciatingly difficult, as much as she wants to be involved and wants us to get along. Sadly, I know in my heart that we will never get along because of her illness. I know if I want her to attend my wedding, which I suppose I do (mainly because of my father), I have to manage her and try to be as accommodating as possible, since she takes everything so personally and can become offended by the smallest thing. Essentially, I learned very early on as a child that if I want to avoid a scene, I have to swallow my words and “act” in a way that will not provoke her, since she has no patience and is completely unpredictable and has no regard for shaming her family in public. This is a very phony way to live and I hate her for not allowing me to be myself, for fear of what she might say or do.

    It hurts tremendously that all of the joyful events leading up to my big day and the wedding itself will be tainted with the stress and sadness of having to deal with a borderline mother who is unable to truly share in my happiness. I’m almost 30 years old and the thought of my mother and the relationship we lack brings me immense sorrow. I truly feel for you and understand what you’re going through. I guess we have to try and make the best of the unfortunate hand we’ve been dealt and follow our happiness, however that may be. I’ve learned to seek and find what I lack with my own mother in friends and extended family/in-laws, etc. and try to create our own happiness. I wish you the best!!

  77. Anne

    March 2, 2014 at 7:27 pm

    I can completely relate to and empathize with everything you have experienced in your life. I myself am an only child of a borderline mother and a father who has tried his best to compensate for what my mother lacks. He is a very patient and kind hearted man who has put up with my mother for almost 30 years, initially because he thought it would be best for me to be raised in a two-parent household. Now that I’ve been out of the house for over 10 years (I am 29 years old and engaged to be married next year), I can’t for the life of me understand why he doesn’t get out. My mother is a miserable woman who inflicts constant pain and heartache to those around her and my father suffers her wrath on a daily basis.

    I have, for the most part, spent the last decade trying desperately to avoid contact with her, but it is difficult since she and my father are still living together, albeit miserably. I too hate my mother for never being able to be genuinely happy for me, although she denies this vehemently and thinks I am being dramatic and there must be something wrong with me for feeling this way. Whenever I would bring up my feelings of sadness and emptiness over our lack of relationship, she would attack me and tell me I must have depression issues because there’s nothing wrong with her.

    It’s becoming harder and harder for me to respect my father, who fluctuates between telling me to manage her and show more compassion towards her and then complaining to me about how depressed he is that he’s wasted his life in a miserable, unfulfilling marriage. As much as I feel horrible for my father, as he really is a very good person, I find it difficult to understand why he chooses to stay (he says the reason is purely financial and that my mom would destroy them financially in her spitefulness and irrationality, if he were to ask for a divorce) and I find myself resenting him for allowing her to destroy the remainder of his years (he is 67). If it weren’t for them being together, I have no doubt that I would disown my mother as you have, but I can’t imagine not having my father in my life, as I love him dearly.

    Now that I am engaged, my mother has made some half-hearted efforts to be involved in the planning and I am extremely stressed because I know my mother will make every step of the process excruciatingly difficult, as much as she wants to be involved and wants us to get along. Sadly, I know in my heart that we will never get along because of her illness. I know if I want her to attend my wedding, which I suppose I do (mainly because of my father), I have to manage her and try to be as accommodating as possible, since she takes everything so personally and can become offended by the smallest thing. Essentially, I learned very early on as a child that if I want to avoid a scene, I have to swallow my words and “act” in a way that will not provoke her, since she has no patience and is completely unpredictable and has no regard for shaming her family in public. This is a very phony way to live and I hate her for not allowing me to be myself, for fear of what she might say or do.

    It hurts tremendously that all of the joyful events leading up to my big day and the wedding itself will be tainted with the stress and sadness of having to deal with a borderline mother who is unable to truly share in my happiness. I’m almost 30 years old and the thought of my mother and the relationship we lack brings me immense sorrow. I truly feel for you and understand what you’re going through. I guess we have to try and make the best of the unfortunate hand we’ve been dealt and follow our happiness, however that may be. I’ve learned to seek and find what I lack with my own mother in friends and extended family/in-laws, etc. and try to create our own happiness. I wish you the best!!

  78. GoodDadWI

    March 3, 2014 at 10:44 am

    I feel sorry for your Dad. Getting a borderline diagnosed is hard enough, my ex-wife has BPD, several therapists acknowledge it but are unwilling to diagnose it (because she isn’t the patient), and the courts, and therapist then just point fingers at each other and absolutely refuse to protect my children from it (claiming, that she is just going to “change”). After 10+ years (we have been divorced over a decade, she isn’t going to change… Not without help, and she just recently quit family therapy for the third time, (where she still won’t acknowledge she has a problem). Unfortunately for my kids this began when they were 2, (they are 14 now), and they still have attachment issues and haven’t figured out that something isn’t quite right with Mom yet. I pray they make it through these teenage years when they hit that stage where living in a house hold with no rules, no responsibilities and no supervision don’t put them in more harm’s way.

  79. Emmy

    March 3, 2014 at 10:35 pm

    I have always questioned if my mother has BPD or not. I’m 18 years old, and my mom was a single parent ever since I was born. Now she has a boyfriend that we now both live with (They met at work, he was married and the affair went on for three years until he finally left his wife). My mom isn’t how you described in every way, though there are many similarities between the two. She has mood swings, disregards my feelings completely, never admits she’s wrong, used to be violent with me until the day I fought back (I don’t regret it, she hasn’t laid a hand on me since), overreacts to everything (for example, if you try talking to her while she’s cooking she will scream at you and tell you how you’re stressing her out). There’s many more things she has done to me and our family. Her three sisters cut ties with her and yet she still can’t see that she’s an obvious problem if her own family wants nothing to do with her. Now here’s the tricky part with my mom, she does say she loves me and she can be affectionate when she’s in a good “mood”. I’m a senior in high school and I’m planning on getting the hell out of here when I graduate. She knows that I’m moving out and she’s extremely upset about it. She believes I’m “abandoning” her and that I won’t ever talk to her again, which will most likely be the case because I feel the exact same way you do, like I’m drowning. She can say the most hurtful things to me, but when I say something like “Well, you had an affair with a married man for three years, I don’t think you have a right to judge me” I get called a horrible selfish little monster (happened just a few days ago when she began saying terrible things about my relationship with my boyfriend, and we have a very healthy relationship so the things she says are untrue and just hurtful). Now, the most difficult part for me in that when she’s actually normal (about 2% of the time) it makes me feel bad that I think stuff like ” I’m going to cut off ties with my mom when she’s gone”. Now, her “boyfriend” is no help what so ever. He never stands up to her (unless she’s acting a certain way towards him, only sometimes though). But when it comes to me he sides with her, probably because he doesn’t want to deal with it. From the outside (unless you know about their affair) they both seem like perfectly normal people, great jobs, big house and my mom can put on a show (only for so long though). My very close friends and boyfriend of a year have seen my mom how she is, not to the worst extent though. So, I was just wondering if her behavior are signs of BPD or maybe something else, because I know she is certainly not normal.

  80. hovah

    March 13, 2014 at 1:53 am

    As someone who suffers from BPD, this is the exact reason why i would never have a child. i simply could not put them before myself. i doubt that i could really even love them.

    Also, my spouse had Antisocial Personality Disorder, and frankly, he’s a bigger sociopath than i. Our children would be disasters.

  81. sarah7867

    March 24, 2014 at 7:09 pm

    i am thanking Dr. Ekaka from the [email protected] for the love spell he did for me, he brought my ex boyfriend that i love so much that i have tried everything i can to get him back he brought him back to me within 24hours after i contacted him i am really happy with the love spell he did for me all thanks to him for taken his time to help me and to give good result that i really need to me without taken my time and without any delay my heart is really filled with joy and excitement that i got the love of my life back

  82. RYN

    April 3, 2014 at 8:16 pm

    I disowned my parents for the exact same reason when I was 15-16 years ago. I had NO idea what borderline personality disorder was until I just ended an intense relationship with one that was like my mother and lead me to the info on this disease. The reason I cut my mother out of my life was basically my instinct; she was toxic; she wasn’t good for me. AND to this day NO one understands and they judge me for being so cold; but it was the best thing I ever could of done. AND I have the same strength to walk away from my recent intense amazing relationship with my ex because she is a full blow high functioning borderline that was so toxic it was causing me health problems; which have suddenly vanished since cutting ties for 5 weeks.

    Good on you for cutting ties, it’s your life and your family now. You don’t need people that hold you back in life; even if they don’t know they’re doing it. It’s up to you to recognize and walk away.

    Keep it up!

  83. Sara

    April 16, 2014 at 11:16 am

    This post has really spoken to me. I am going through this exact same thing. After a lifetime (I’m 33) of what feels like torture from my mom, I feel the only thing left to do is disown her. I am so terribly sad about this but yet just want to get it over with so I can get on with my life and try and mend all the damage that has been done. My husband and I want to have children but I am so petrified that I will pass along what my mom did to me that even though I desperately want to have a child I am scared to. Just reading this post has made me feel better in what I am going through.

  84. Henry Nancy

    May 8, 2014 at 11:13 pm

    After being in relationship with my husband for nine years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email is ([email protected] } tel.+2347053977842) you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything.

  85. Melissa Lopez Melissa Lopez

    May 18, 2014 at 5:20 am

    MY NAME IS melissa lopez FROM HOUSTON,TEXAS.I NEVER BELIEVED IN LOVE SPELLS OR MAGIC UNTIL I MET THIS SPELL CASTER ONCE WHEN I WENT TO AFRICA IN DECEMBER LAST YEAR ON A BUSINESS SUMMIT. HE IS REALLY POWERFUL AND COULD HELP CAST SPELLS TO BRING BACK ONE’S GONE,LOST,MISBEHAVING LOVER LOOKING FOR SOME ONE TO LOVE YOU, BRING BACK LOST MONEY AND MAGIC MONEY SPELL OR SPELL FOR A GOOD JOB.I’M NOW HAPPY & A LIVING TESTIMONY COS THE MAN I HAD WANTED TO MARRY LEFT ME 2 WEEKS BEFORE OUR WEDDING AND MY LIFE WAS UPSIDE DOWN COS OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN ON FOR 2YEARS… I REALLY LOVED HIM, BUT HIS MOTHER WAS AGAINST US AND HE HAD NO GOOD PAYING JOB. SO WHEN I MET THIS SPELL CASTER, I TOLD HIM WHAT HAPPENED AND EXPLAINED THE SITUATION OF THINGS TO HIM..AT FIRST I WAS UNDECIDED,SKEPTICAL AND DOUBTFUL, BUT I JUST GAVE IT A TRY. AND IN 7 DAYS WHEN I RETURNED TO TEXAS, MY BOYFRIEND (NOW HUSBAND) CALLED ME BY HIMSELF AND CAME TO ME APOLOGIZING THAT EVERYTHING HAD BEEN SETTLED WITH HIS MOM AND FAMILY AND HE GOT A NEW JOB INTERVIEW SO WE SHOULD GET MARRIED..I DIDN’T BELIEVE IT COS THE SPELL CASTER ONLY ASKED FOR MY NAME AND MY BOYFRIENDS NAME AND ALL I WANTED HIM TO DO… WELL WE ARE HAPPILY MARRIED NOW AND WE ARE EXPECTING OUR LITTLE KID,AND MY HUSBAND ALSO GOT THE NEW JOB AND OUR LIVES BECAME MUCH BETTER. IN CASE ANYONE NEEDS THE SPELL CASTER FOR SOME HELP, HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS:[email protected] ……HOPE HE HELPS YOU OUT. HURRY NOW AND CONTACT HIM NOW VIA EMAIL ADDRESS>[email protected]

  86. CJ Set

    May 22, 2014 at 10:25 pm

    I have a similar situation with my father. However, I have a mother whom I love and who has done the best she could to make mine and my sister’s lives ones of quality. While being an enabler, she knew not the harm she was doing, keeping him (unemployed, violent, rageful and alcoholic) in the house. She didn’t have the heart to kick him out, and feared the financial repercussions that might stem from it. This was not selfish; she paid for us to attend good high schools and helped with our tuition at good universities; she herself lives modestly. My father has never once told me he loved me. He constantly utters “Fuck you God” to himself, or sometimes chooses some other rage-filled utterance, directed towards people I can only assume are myself and my mother. Throughout his day he does nothing productive, but becomes terribly angry upon any mention of his lack of productivity, or at the suggestion he do my mother or me a favor. He sneaks alcohol and hides it all over the property. Though he can no longer scare me quite like he did when I was a young child, he definitely affected my ability to create relationships. When I left for college, the symptoms of BPD became evident in my actions. In high school and before, I had no ability to be self-reflective. In college I began to realize I had a problem, but had no methods of coping. I became a pain-killer addict and overdosed twice, both times too afraid to mention it to my mother, who was stuck with my emotionally-abusive father. The fear was self-induced; I know now she would have helped me. The first time I paid the hospital bill with my food money for the school year; the second time I woke up alone and couldn’t move for about a week without vomiting. I have some social graces so by then I had a couple friends who would bring me food and water, along with encouraging words; to them though, I had just “partied too hard.” They couldn’t quite understand because I wouldn’t let them (defensiveness related to BPD and shame of my father/family life). Due to a mixture of lack of funds, and inspiration from a peer who became somewhat like a father-figure, I was able to avoid painkillers, but became a black-out artist with alcohol in my reach. Strangely enough, my alcoholism wasn’t a day-time thing nor did it get in the way of my school-productivity very often, but it served to dampen the social anxieties which either stemmed from or co-habitated with, BPD. So while I was spending many social events blacking out, I was actually doing a lot of thinking during my days. I couldn’t figure out why I had so little passion for things; I couldn’t figure out why my relationships with women were so short-term; I couldn’t figure out why school had become so hard for me when my younger life had been filled with effortless academic achievement. I scored a 2160/2400 on the SATs but couldn’t pass my classes. I got kicked out of school and re-admitted by the beauty of some administrator’s soft heart. I didn’t realize that numbness is the same thing as being an emotional wreck. My freak-outs and spontaneous tears seemed far apart, after all. Basically, I didn’t realize I was constantly depressed, and anxious in response to social stimuli. I finally got to feeling so low, and so scared for my status as an enrolled student, that I let my mom help me. Years of defensiveness had pushed away a woman who truly loved me, but who I couldn’t trust because I viewed her as the person who allowed my father to stay involved in my and my sister’s lives. Now that I am older, I can employ empathy. I can see that she is an ally; not a “secretive enemy” like my father. These are realizations that have become more and more clear to me since I let her help me. We sought treatment for what we thought were my only problems: depression and ADHD. This was ~3 years ago. Obviously, things didn’t change overnight; it took some work and a willingness to deal with rough patches in our relationship, instead of ignore them like before. As I dug myself out from under the weight of poor grades and a disconnect with my sister and my mother, I began to grow, rather than shrink. It was a while before I began to come to the realization that my underlying condition was BPD. It was only at the suggestion of my mother (who told me she thinks it’s what my dad has) that I researched it and concluded, with psychiatrist input, that I also suffer from it. While these things got better, my relationship with my dad did not. Truly, there is nothing to respect about him. He thrives in fear-tactics and lives like a territorial dog, refusing to leave my mother’s home but also refusing to contribute. For some reason she feeds him and gives him clothing/use of her car, but I digress. I guess one moment that sums up our relationship is that he didn’t so much as smile or hug me the day I graduated. He seemed unhappy at my happiness. This is not uncommon, but it’s a great example. I have been living back at home while trying to find a job, and he has done nothing but hamper my progress. For example: he has kept our garage horribly filthy and cluttered, filled with the tools of a man who refuses to work. It is where he does most of his secret drinking/chewing (my family once had to move out because he got violent and wielded a knife one night while drunk, when I was about 7, so he doesn’t want the police coming back, or to be judged by my mother). Like a dog, he has made the garage his territory, a place so vile my mother can’t bear to go near it. I went to clean it and he became furious. He told me lies, cursed at me, stood around shaking his head and muttering curses on my soul, etc while I cleaned the garage for my mother. As if it somehow was an offense against him. I cleaned up the dog poop the other day, and put it in a hole I dug to let it dry before throwing it away. He got angry for God knows what reason, and put it “back where he keeps it,” right near our back door so we have to avoid stepping on it, and can smell it when the wind picks up. When I pointed out it was ridiculous he became furious and dismissive of my logic. When I pointed out it was ridiculous that we were fighting over dog poop he became angrier, cursing me my mother and anybody else he ever knew, basically. He truly lives like a territorial dog; he has taken over one of the two living rooms in the house, and it is now de facto his bedroom, ruined leather couch and all. He doesn’t want people cleaning the messes he makes while rage-fully looking for things he can’t find because he is so messy. When I was little, my mom used to try to defend me from these situations, but couldn’t always do it as she worked/s full time. Now, I’m too self-realized, and too happy with my relationship with her, to let these situations damage me like they did. I just feel bad for her and want to help her deal with him. I’d love to help him, even, but he is honestly so in denial and so scary when angry, that we still feel we are drowning. We may have to kick him out; I feel so similar to how you must have while writing this article. It is a relief to sort of “bask” in the pain BPD causes. “No daddy wasn’t absent.” “No, I’m not a child of divorce.” It’s actually as bad or worse, depending on the case…

  87. She Loves To Craft

    June 2, 2014 at 3:13 am

    My mom was a terrible mother. She slept with my friends, she used narcotics with me when I was only 14 … just a couple of the shitty things she did. I had a lot of anger towards her. Until I realized that her mother had borderline personality disordee and had royally messed her up. My mom would do anthing and everything so that people, especially her daughter, liked her or valued her. Even if her actions actually de-valued her. All because her asshole of a mother never made her feel loved. My poor mom, I wish that her mother had hugged her and told her she was worth something to someone. Even just once.

  88. Mark Sonia

    June 8, 2014 at 8:12 am

    My name is Sonia, and i live in uk.I have been through hell and
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  89. Mark Sonia

    June 8, 2014 at 8:12 am

    My name is Sonia, and i live in uk.I have been through hell and pain,looking for a good and real spell caster who can help me get my husband back.I have been scammed so many times,by some who claimed to be real spell casters.until i found the real and great spell caster ADAGBASPIRITUSLTEMPLE who helped me,and solved all my problems concerning my boyfriend who left me since eight months ago.and after that i also took my friend along,who was also having the same problem concerning her husband,who left her since five months ago,and the problem was also solved by the same ADAGBASPIRITUALTEMPLE”. Can’t you see! the real and great spell caster is here,all you need to do now is to contact this same address whenever you are in any problem related to spell casting.It took me a very long period of time,before i could get this real and great spell caster.So right now “[email protected]” is here,and the best for you to solve your problems…….
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  90. anonymous 23

    June 10, 2014 at 6:00 pm

    I’ve recently started researching online about children of mothers with BPD and the neverending fear, the constant underlying evil that has always existed in my life is finally beginning to make sense. Your article brought me to tears. I am a 23 year old young woman who, although was able to escape to college for 2 years, has had to move back home with my parents and have needed to return to regular therapy and once again trying various medications to handle my depression and anxiety. I am working from home, my mother is unemployed and I spend most of my days alone there with her. I lock my door at night because I know that she hates me and someday she may actually try to kill me. She has already done everything she could to try and ruin my life when I was about to move away to school and pointed out her inappropriate, terrible behavior towards me and my new boyfriend. She is terrified of looking like a bad mother and breaking the illusion she’s created for herself of being a perfect, pleasant person. I have to hide my psychiatric medications from my parents because whenever they find them they either throw them away, try to “return” them to the pharmacy, or say I’m a drug addict and take me to get drug tested (and when the results come back negative they say that I used someone else’s urine), when of course the reason why I need them to begin with is to deal with my crazy family. They treat my younger sister completely differently than they treat me, especially my mother. She is obsessed with her, and acts as if I’m just in the way of her having a perfect life with her perfect daughter. While I am the highest functioning person there, living the most normal life, which I guess makes them look crazy and wrong. I’ve been going to therapists and psychiatrists since I was 12 years old, and aside from the doctors who just wanted to put me on as many pills as possible to make money, they have told me that there is nothing wrong with me, that I have problems at home and my “condition” has existed since I was an infant. Of course my father just tells me that I should be taking responsibility for my own happiness and condition. I guess it makes them feel that things with the family are under control if they’re sending me to doctors. When in reality, they’re the ones who need help, I’m just suffering the effects of their illnesses.

    I’m not going to go into all the ways that my mother has psychologically, emotionally and financially abused me, or the ways that my father refuses to take responsibility for it, when he rarely tried to stop her and isn’t totally mentally well himself. Plus it’s hard for me to figure out what actually did or didn’t happen to me when I was a child based on my memories, since my family has always made it seem like everything at home is perfect and well and f I complain I am ungrateful. I understand what you guys are saying, about how people don’t want to hear about it. And how it would be nice if our parents were alcoholics or something more obvious. It’s hard to prove when someone has psychologically abused you when they seem like good people and they’ve “done everything for you”. Just because parents have paid for most of your things doesn’t mean that it didn’t come at an even higher cost. Or that they even gave you the option to be independent from them.

    Anyways, sorry that this comment is long and I’m sort of rambling. But I’m spending every day working as hard as i can to get my career on track so I can get out and never need my parent’s help for anything again. It’s getting hard for me to keep focused when I am so depressed being in their house all the time, I can’t sleep, I’m now suffering from side effects of psychiatric meds, and it’s impossible for most people to see what I’m dealing with every day. Each day I am trying to keep my head above water.

    I can’t tell which nightmarish parts of my childhood were real. We rarely had people over so there were no witnesses. But our neighbor at the time had told my friend’s mother “I don’t know what goes on in that house but those little girls always seem so scared. I can hear them crying at night.”

  91. Jones Nicole

    June 25, 2014 at 8:58 pm

    i have been married for 4years and i have a break up with my husband 3months ago and i was worried and so confuse because i love him so much. i was really going too depressed and a friend directed me to this spell caster Dr.OLOKUM and i made all my problems known to him and he told me not to worry that he was going to make my husband to come back to me and in just 48hours i receive a call from my husband and he was appealing that i should come back to the house. i have never in my life believe in spell and but now it have just helped me and i am now so happy. All Thanks to him and if you also want to have your Husband back to yourself here !! his email Address [email protected] , i am so happy to testify of your work and kindness.THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  92. Laurie

    June 26, 2014 at 12:53 pm

    I was just discussing this very thing with my therapist this morning. My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder and Schizoaffective Disorder and my father is an alcoholic. The therapist literally said to me, “At least your father’s behavior was predictable.” Absolutely 100% the truth. I understood precisely what you meant in the essay about alcoholics. There some sense of normalcy there, in the midst of the raging chaos that is a living breathing Nor’Easter of a mother.

    I’m learning to cut my mom out of my life right now. I think people are so opposed to the notion because they’re terrified of losing their relationships. “Look, if this lady and her crazy mom can work it out, then my mom and I can handle anything that comes our way.” It’s comforting for people if personal relationships are permanent. The reality is that sometimes we don’t have happy endings, sometimes we don’t have needed resolution, and that’s okay. We have to learn to not fear the downs of life. They help us to respect and appreciate the ups so much better.

    I hope, since a year has gone by since you wrote this, that you’ve found some healing. I’m 35 and a mother of two and I’m just stepping on that path right now. The bridge is really wobbly, but articles like this are the railing I cling on to steady my feet as I move forward.

  93. nikki

    July 9, 2014 at 9:23 pm

    My mom is also a BPD. To avoid explaining to others why we’re not close or why I don’t go home for holidays, I just tell people my parents are dead. As much as I try to distance myself from them they still hurt me. I’m in college and I need their money (as long as I keep up the appearance that we are a happy family they help me pay for my college) so I can’t cut them out of my life yet. Please can somebody tell me, does it ever get better. some days it’s just too much!

  94. florence James

    July 19, 2014 at 4:06 am

    I am out here to testify of your great DR.AIRIOHUODION LOVE SPELL, my husband is back to me with the kids and leave the other woman at his working place, with your spell and he is in love with me now as you said, and he said there is no need for divorce and he apologized for all the pains he cost me and my kids thanks to DR.AIRIOHUODION, if you need his help his email address is [[email protected]], your spell work fast and I am so happy to share your testimony

  95. Susan

    July 19, 2014 at 11:53 am

    Why did u want to leave your children alone with them? That’s confusing to me. I also have a BPD mother and would never leave my child alone with that witch. Not for a single second. You need to guard and protect your children because the PBD wishes to destroy you and your children. It’s hard to wrap your mind around it, but you really need to comes to terms with this and become more guarded. Don’t put your children in harms way. Cutting the ties is probably for the best. Doesn’t sound like u have a good handle on the situation yet. I know it’s hard, I’m living the same nightmare.

  96. Katherina

    July 21, 2014 at 11:50 pm

    Hello to every one i want to testify of what a spell caster has done for me,i was in a relationship for two years happy with my partner few months to our wedding she left me and went after another man she never came back home again, i cry all day looking for help i have contacted so many spell caster but no result one day i was on the internet when i came across a testimony on how Dr OLOKUM helped some one to get back his lover so i gave a try and it work out for me am so happy to have my lover back to my self again thanks once again Dr ehiagwina for helping me to bring back my lover if you are passing through the same problem or any kind of situation and you think all hope is lost my dear is not. contact Dr OLOKUM on his email:[email protected] is better you call him +2347053977842

  97. Mullar Sharron

    July 26, 2014 at 10:26 am

    Hi everyone act there.. my name is MULLAR SHARRON i am from germany. i will never forget the help DR.TRUST render to me in my marital life. i have been married for 5 years now and my husband and i love each other very dearly . after 3 years of our marriage my husband suddenly change he was having an affair with a lady outside,i notice it then i was praying for divine intervention the thing became more serious i told my pastor about it we prayed but nothing happen. my husband just came home one day he pick up his things and left me and the kids to his mistress outside at this time i was confuse not knowing what to do again because i have lost my husband and my marriage too. i was searching for help in the internet, i saw many people sharing testimony on how dr.trust help them out with their marital problems so i contacted the email of dr.trust i told him my problem and i was told to be calm that i have come to the right place were i can get back my husband within the next 24hours.he told me what went wrong with my husband and how it happen.that they will restored my marriage. to my greatest surprise my husband came to my office begging me on his knees that i should find a place in my heart to forgive him,that he will never cheat on me again. i quickly ask him up that i have forgiven him.friends your case is not too hard why don’t you give Dr.trust a try they work surprises because i know they will help you to fix your relationship with your ex partner. i thank god for using dr.trust to save my marriage. contact him via ([email protected] OR [email protected]) tel +2348156885231 ,.

  98. Mullar Sharron

    July 26, 2014 at 10:26 am

    Hi everyone act there.. my name is MULLAR SHARRON i am from germany. i will never forget the help DR.TRUST render to me in my marital life. i have been married for 5 years now and my husband and i love each other very dearly . after 3 years of our marriage my husband suddenly change he was having an affair with a lady outside,i notice it then i was praying for divine intervention the thing became more serious i told my pastor about it we prayed but nothing happen. my husband just came home one day he pick up his things and left me and the kids to his mistress outside at this time i was confuse not knowing what to do again because i have lost my husband and my marriage too. i was searching for help in the internet, i saw many people sharing testimony on how dr.trust help them out with their marital problems so i contacted the email of dr.trust i told him my problem and i was told to be calm that i have come to the right place were i can get back my husband within the next 24hours.he told me what went wrong with my husband and how it happen.that they will restored my marriage. to my greatest surprise my husband came to my office begging me on his knees that i should find a place in my heart to forgive him,that he will never cheat on me again. i quickly ask him up that i have forgiven him.friends your case is not too hard why don’t you give Dr.trust a try they work surprises because i know they will help you to fix your relationship with your ex partner. i thank god for using dr.trust to save my marriage. contact him via ([email protected] OR [email protected]) tel +2348156885231 ,..

  99. Sue

    July 27, 2014 at 3:02 pm

    I am late to the discussion, but this helped me tremendously. I am disowning my own parents for the same reasons and feel like you put my life on paper. Thank you for sharing and understadning.

  100. Hansford ann

    July 30, 2014 at 12:49 am

    My name is Handford Ann,i base in canada.i want to share my wonderful testimony on how i got back my ex-lover of my life back, who i sworn to be with until when he left me to another woman for no reason and i try to make things work for both of us yet things where getting worse and i love him so much and there is nothing i could do to get my ex back until i met a testimony share by Maria from USA on the internet talking about a powerful spell caster who brought his ex lover back within 48hours and i decide to give it a try and to my greatest surprise he also did it for me just as he did for Maria and i have a lot of people complaining of fake spell caster but this one i met was a real spell caster who help me to solve my problem i have no solution to,i introduce many of my best friends that have a similar problems,and their problem were solve with the great help of dr.Trust.they get back their ex within 48 hours.i am so happy that my ex is back to me again,and the most surprise,is that our love is very strong,every day is happiness and joy. and there is nothing like been with the man you love.i am so happy my love is back to me with the help of Dr.Trust.if you have similar problem i will advice you to contact him ,he is there to help you and put a smile on your face ask he did to me and others.contact email([email protected] or [email protected] call +2348156885231) what will i have done if not the great help of dr.trust. Thanks Handford Ann from canada.

  101. HPM

    August 11, 2014 at 2:25 pm

    I’m trying to sum up my situation into a tidy single paragraph, but I just realized that the madness I’ve witnessed from my BPD ex-wife would fill a book.

    The main reason for adding my comment to this piece was that I identified with the poor father who was also disowned because he didn’t “SAVE” his daughter from the BPD Mom. My 12 year-old daughter is currently under the spell of a BPD mom who has her convinced that I’m a horrible abusive father. Under her mother’s care she has missed most of 6th grade and will have to repeat. The only contact I get from my daughter is a weekly text asking for child support to be sent early. Or the parroted words of her mother blaming me for something.

    I’ve written letters to my daughter trying to explain what a normal life is without bad-mouthing her mother. And just to let her know that I miss her and wished she wanted to see me. All I get in return are angry emails, texts, and voicemails from her mother berating me for even trying to communicate with my child.

    Today, I wrote my daughter another letter to let her know that I can’t save her by myself. That she has to use her own smarts and common sense to let me save her. She’s a smart kid. And hopefully, as she becomes a teenager, she might see through the insanity of her mother’s BPD, parental alienation, and just plain selfishness.

    And yes, our school system and PCS are aware of the situation. Unfortunately, there are cases with greater priority – my ex-wife, in true BPD fashion flies just below the radar of true whack-job nuttiness when the spotlight is on. So sad for my child…

  102. Linda Schillinger-Spiegel

    September 11, 2014 at 8:32 pm

    Unfortunately kids don’t get to pick and choose their parents. None of us are chosen in some sadistic way as if to say..”give that one the cruel parents and that one the loving ones!” When we are born into families it is all a gamble either way..the cards are dealt and wherever they fall..they fall. I think it is most brave to remove toxic people from our lives whether they are family or not. We have to see ourselves as individuals in this life; some of us just don’t get the stable and loving upbringing that every child deserves, however, when we can grow above this .. and turn the situation around with our own kids, then this is when life really begins. It is easy to mimic our parents bad behaviors and just blame that behavior on them, rather than trying to learn from it and be better than they chose not to be. In life we are given a choice whether to be kind and loving or just plain evil. What we don’t know or understand…we find a way! There are so many self help tools we can find in books and online. There is no excuse for abuse! BPD people usually like to pride themselves on being evil. These are the kind of people who feel more comfortable with anger and chaos rather than stability..this is all they know. Their hate protects them from their own past and pain that they have never chosen to deal with in their lives. If they refuse to get help and they refuse to take responsibility for the way they have treated others…than good riddance. Walk away and don’t look back. Our parents have us but they don’t own our lives…we own our lives…we own our lives and only we can decide who we want in it!!!!! BPD Moms are absolutely toxic people and they will never change…very few do…so unfortunately when we are young we sometimes get thrown a bad hand of cards…but there comes a time in our lives…where we can just fold, and we don’t have to fear their emotional hate games any more. Done, over, enjoy life..be happy and make your kids happy…our past makes us stronger people and we are our best teachers; so take a deep breath, be proud of yourself for your unbelievable strength and determination to make life a better place for yourself, your children, and the generations yet to come! Bravo!!!

  103. Pauline

    September 29, 2014 at 3:22 am

    I really do empathize with anyone who has to run from their “families”. My parents, despite their craziness at home, put on a great face to the
    world. Plus, I have 2 older siblings who in their 50s are still under
    our parents control. My older brother and sister follow our mother’s
    orders to a Tee, including moving right next door to her, and including
    stalking and harassing me on her orders. So, of course, they look like a
    really tight family and I look like the deadbeat who skipped out on our
    “poor old mother”.

    Growingup under parents who do nothing but belittle and abuse you, has a huge
    impact on one’s self image. Both of my parents were mentally-ill
    addicts. My mother is a manipulative, cold, sociopath who delights in
    crushing people that she can’t control. She couldn’t manipulate me, so I
    became her scapegoat and bore the brunt of her abuse. She abused me
    physically and sexually as a small kid and then mentally and emotionally
    after that.

    My father was a drunken weakling who couldn’t find a willing woman to
    start a family with, so he went on a vacation back to the “old country”
    when he was 35, and screwed and married his 20 year old 2nd cousin (my
    mother), brought her back to the US, and got her a green card in the US.

    He was also very belittling of me and every little accomplishment I
    earned at school and in life. He was a weird guy who on one hand was
    very judgmental and moralistic, but on the other hand was kind of
    perverted, almost pedophilic, in violating normal father-daughter
    boundaries. When I heard he died recently, I felt nothing but numbness and relief.

    I wasn’t allowed to have friends or do much outside of the
    house. Neither of my parents had any empathy. I was deathly ill alot as a
    kid, but rarely went to the doctor, and never got any nurturing or care
    from either of them. I basically ran from their house when I was 18 and
    they stalked, threatened and harassed me for almost a year, just
    because I told them to go to hell and I left.

    It was a very bizarre childhood, and it scarred me until I was in my
    late 20s. As a teen I was unloved, withdrawn, suicidal, and miserable.
    At 28, I decided to hell with them. I decided they could drop dead and
    that would be fine with me. I changed my name, made sure they couldn’t
    find my address, or how to contact me. And I dropped off the face of
    their earth. It was easy to do really, they never offered me any
    emotional or financial support. So I wasn’t “losing” much.

    ….And that’s when I was able to take control of myself and my life.
    And things got so much better. I felt empowered and I was finally able
    to realize my potential to do something with myself. I still ABSOLUTELY
    “blame” them for what they did to me and for their selfishness and
    abuse. But I’ve realized that I deserve to succeed and have a good
    life, and I am responsible for that.

    Escaping from an abusive family (even if the abuse is limited to
    psychological/emotional) is alot like escaping a cult. People who
    haven’t been thought it, can’t understand it. And when I have tried to tell people, I become the bad guy…..either because they don’t believe me. OR, they do believe me but vilify me for opening my mouth and airing the family’s “dirty laundry”. Abused kids are supposed to shut up and “forgive” their abusers. That’s stupid. That’s like telling a rape victim that they should “forgive” their attacker and forget about it. Noone does that…..so why are abused children supposed to forgive parents who violate them physically, sexually, or emotionally.

  104. James

    November 1, 2014 at 11:09 pm

    very much sympathize with your sufferings of friends and family being like, “How can you cut them off completely? They’ll always be your mom and dad. You owe them so much. You’re so spoiled, look at kids in Africa” and other bullshit red herrings. You’re right. You gave me a lot of hope when you said “Most adults aren’t strong enough to cut ties” and you’re right. It encouraged me. I had cut my mom off a couple months ago, when I brought up an issue between us and got it shoved down my throat, and then when I complained to a sibling and it got back to her my mom threatened a lawsuit against me. Two weeks later she tells me she loves me. The fuck ??? No one ever understands I tell this to. So I stopped telling them. I go to ACoA and it helps, a lot of them have been through similar shit, but with alcoholics. Like you, if my mom were an alcoholic I’d be able to sit in those meetings, enjoy hundreds of immediate friendships and a full unerstanding into the library of literature. But no one understands BPD and no one really wants to, because it’s so fucking insidious.

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