We've already established that stock photos exist in an alternate universe. It's a place where everyone is laughing and smiling, moms are universally thin and blonde, and breastfeeding almost always happens in a field of wildflowers at sunset. Reality doesn't apply when it comes to stock photography, so naturally common sense parenting practices and safety advice don't either. Here, straight from the land of rampant crib bumpers, are ten stock photos that would reduce sanctimommies and the American Academy of Pediatrics to tears:
1. The poster child for safe sleeping.
(Anton Kudelin / Shutterstock)
Bumper? Check. Heavy bedding? Check. Fuzzy robe? Check. The only way this could be better is if they turned the baby on its stomach, surrounded it with stuffed animals, and wheeled the crib out into oncoming traffic.
2. Gun Safety Baby.
(Alexander Smushkov / Getty)
Well, check out this little maverick. He's ready to head down to the sand box and challenge some suckers to a duel. I hope he doesn't put the hat on before he starts shooting. It looks kind of big, like it might throw off his otherwise impeccable aim.
3. This kid crossing the street.
(Photobac / Shutterstock)
I mean, really, what could go wrong?
4. These party animals.
(Kiselev Andrey Valerevich / Shutterstock)
What is even happening here? This feels like the best possible sarcastic response to every concern troll on the internet. I might print this out and put it in my wallet to pass off as a photo of my kids whenever a nosy stranger asks who's watching my babies or if I'm still breastfeeding.
5. This brave explorer.
(Jack F / Getty)
This came up when I searched for 'child playing.' Lots of kids play with irons and light sockets, right? Maybe she's really into appliances. You don't know. Don't judge.
6.These screen time enthusiasts.
(Inara Prusakova / Shutterstock)
The AAP recommends waiting until age four to give kids popcorn. See if these baby badasses care. They're catching up on Game Of Thrones so they can review it on their TV blog.
7. This healthy eater.
(Ivanikova Tatyana / Shutterstock)
Nutrition guidelines, what? This was basically my kid on Easter. Who am I kidding? It was basically me on Easter too.
8. Car Seat Safety Baby Doesn't Give A Shit.
(Igor Sokolov / Shutterstock)
Tightened straps are for losers. I feel like he's probably facing forward too. This kid is obviously in a car seat we don't use in the United States (no chest clip), and it's also just a stock photo, but who cares about that? Post this on Facebook and watch people lose their minds.
9. This kid playing with matches.
(Anneka / Shutterstock)
Only you can prevent playground fires. Confession: when I was a kid, my mom found me eating matches. Talk about going against recommendations...
10. This certified lifeguard.
(Vasilchenko Nikita / Shutterstock)
"Mommy's going to go inside and fix us a couple of margaritas! Call me if you need anything!"