Gwyneth Paltrow Is Trying To Get Women To Put $66 Crystal Eggs In Their Vaginas
It’s good to know that Gwyneth Paltrow will always be there for us. While stars like Chrissy Teigen and Jennifer Lawrence are out there being “real” or “likable” and doing things like falling down, eating fattening food, and drunk-posting photos of their stretch marks to Twitter, sometimes it’s good to know that the stars are not just like us, because Gwyneth Paltrow is trying to convince women to put $66 crystal egg in their vaginas, and they’re actually doing it.
This week Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop newsletter highlighted a new product in their shop: Jade vagina eggs. Goop’s argument is that putting a rock in your vagina helps improve muscle tone and make a person better at sex, while the healing crystal will “detox” the womb and restore hormone balance and “feminine energy” to that whole area.
“The strictly guarded secret of Chinese royalty in antiquity—queens and concubines used them to stay in shape for emperors—jade eggs harness the power of energy work, crystal healing, and a Kegel-like physical practice. Fans say regular use increases chi, orgasms, vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy in general,” Goop breathlessly explains on the ad copy for their crystal vagina eggs.
Goop’s expert source on the topic is actress and blogger Shiva Rose, who says that sticking crystals up our vaginas makes “intuitive sense” because “it’s where many women access their intuition, their power, and their wisdom. It’s this inner sanctum that we can access when it’s not in use creating life. Sadly most people use it as a psychic trash bin, storing old or negative energy. ”
I think I must be one of those people using her uterus as a “psychic trash bin,” because I’m pretty sure that I access intuition and wisdom with my head, because that’s where my brain is. This whole thing reminds me far too much of when women were crowing about the magical healing powers of putting tiny herbal sachets up their vaginas. At least the jade eggs seem relatively harmless. If they’re clean, they probably won’t cause burning infections the way the “womb detox pearls” did.
“Harmless” doesn’t mean helpful, though, and Goop suggests that putting an expensive rock in one’s vagina will cure a host of ailments and make everyone more powerful, wise, and attractive. Rose tells Goop that putting a jade egg in one’s vagina regulates hormones, strengthens muscles, improves chi flow, and makes a person’s skin look more beautiful. Some people even use them while pregnant “to prepare for childbirth,” but even Goop isn’t crazy enough to suggest that without telling everyone to check with their doctors before sticking rocks up one’s vagina while pregnant.
Goop is selling two versions of the egg, a nephrite jade one that is $66 and is recommended as being by far the better vagina egg. There’s also a rose quartz egg that is “more gentle” and $55. Both are very tiny, though. The site says they’re just 1.7 inches tall and 1.2 inches wide. On top of all that, they’re sold out.
Somehow the fact that they’re all sold out makes this story even better. Now every time I see a fancy-looking woman on the street, instead of envying her designer bag, I’m going to wonder, “Is she carrying around a crystal egg in her vagina?”